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to wonder why online dating isn't working for me

(95 Posts)
hadababygirl Fri 02-Aug-13 17:33:37

(Apparently) I am attractive. I am well educated, good job, own home, car, 33 years old.

One DD who is 14 months.

Not a jot of interest sad Plenty of messages from men 20 years older than me, usually one liners like 'you have a great smile' but nothing from anyone my age who seems to be up for a relationship. I don't think it's DD either as even before I had her I got no interest from the sites.

AIBU to feel unattractive and invisible to the opposite sex!?

Ms23 Sat 03-Aug-13 23:49:42

I think the trick is in finding the right dating website. My friends have had success on match. An older friend said she had no luck until she added a 'sexy, messy haired' photo to the more professional/business-like photos she had before.

Changebagsandgladrags Netherlands Sat 03-Aug-13 21:17:56

Ok, so I'm married to my Internet date. We've been together for 8 years.

Like you, I had a long run of n success. Those who did contact me were weirdos. Or if I went on a date we didn't gel. Or they were just after sex.

Here's what I learned:

1. Choose your site carefully. Sometimes free ones attract those looking for casual sex. Sometimes fee paying ones are better. I found DH on Loveandfriends, not sure if they are still going.

2. Write an interesting profile, something that relates to your personality. So mine was a bit jokey, but also serious.

3. Look at who is looking at you. DH looked at me, but didn't contact me. So I was like Oi, hello.

4. Email for a bit before going on a date.

OK, so I sound like a know-all. It took lots of time, there were lots of frogs and worse.

Also, try other things. I did singles wine tasting, I joined my local Ramblers group. I did conservation projects...

LackingEnergy Sat 03-Aug-13 20:08:13

I was offered a trip to Venice by a guy twice my age when I joined a dating site blush. Didn't stay on it very long, only attracted gamers and older men, I don't game and am not interested in a 20+ age gap

Went out with work a few weeks later met and old friend, got drunk and slept it of at his, 5 years later he's now my dh and we have a ds smile

Dating sites aren't the bee all and end all smile

DiseasesOfTheSheep Sat 03-Aug-13 19:52:20

OP, eharmony wouldn't even let me on their site as their software is "unable" to suggest suitable matches for me, on the basis of the personality quiz answers I gave.

I guarentee they were all honest too blush

You're doing better than me!

OP

its not you smile

Ive done so much online dating that its not even funny. I have had no success. Ive had more dates than anyone should ever have in a lifetime. Should it be a numbers game, i should have won, several times over.

Im 34, i have a child, a job, nice house, im a fab person and i look ok too smile
ive a ton of interests, and am nice. I have a lovely profile and lots of pictures.

Unfortunately, with online dating, you are fishing in a pool that only has a very few ' nice' men in it. As the recent bbc docu showed, lots of profiles are fakes, then you need to remember lots are married and looking for a bit on the side, a very very high percentage are looking just for sex, quite a lot of whats left are single for some very obvious reasons or have massive issues which only someone with no sense would go near. and that leaves very very few decent men.

Its not you, and there isnt really a lot you can do about it, other than be open to things happening in real life and maybe being a bit pro active about it. rubbish i know. but thats what a lot of people who have done it for any lenght of time have found.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 03-Aug-13 18:42:27

I'm in a similar place to the OP except I get some messages, however they are usually one-line perve fests hmm. Think my profile needs re-wording. If you wouldn't mind pm-ing me your profile wording please Folkgirl (and anyone else who's having some success), I promise not to plagiarise you smile. Just want to get an idea of the general vibe of those who actually get dates.

JessieMcJessie Sat 03-Aug-13 18:27:01

OP, do you live in a large city? Possibly you are being filtered by location? Maybe change your location to London and see what happens. Appreciate that means that going on dates would be hard, but if the response is better, maybe you have to accept you are in the wrong place to maximise your chances of finding someone, and consider a move.

BadLad Sat 03-Aug-13 16:52:44

Men have much the same feelings, for your information. Reading other fora's threads about online dating, it seems that most men assume that they outnumber women 20-1 or so, and therefore they message loads of women at once, thinking that they are wasting their time if they only message one, as chances are she won't reply.

I would be happy to give a man's opinion of your profile and keep it schtum if you like.

VelvetSpoon Sat 03-Aug-13 16:48:49

It is perfectly possible to do everything 'right' and still have no success with OD.

It is, as I said above, mostly luck. You
can't change that.

No need for the OP to be made to feel its her fault, chances are its not. I have been rejected time and again by men who wouldn't even have dared approach me in a bar. That is nothing to do with me, and everything to do with them, and their issues. OD is weird, and largely made up of socially inadequate men. Hence why I gave it up!

TroublesomeEx Sat 03-Aug-13 16:29:58

hada it won't be because you're too old (I'm older) or because you've got a child (I've got two and one's a teenager!) and it won't be because you're not beautiful (I'm reasonably attractive - but no more).

I made the offer upthread to C&P my profile to you in a PM and it still stands.

I wonder if 4thfloor has a point.

hadababygirl Sat 03-Aug-13 14:14:59

Nope, got several.

Flat - the thing is I've been trying for YEARS to meet somebody, I accept I may have a touch of cynicism now but certainly didn't back in 2008.

Nancy66 Sat 03-Aug-13 14:13:03

Do you just have one picture on your profile? That could be putting people off...

Everyone has one amazing, flattering picture of themselves. People who have only one photo are often only posting a picture where they look great but - maybe - it's not realistic.

Several photos offer a much clearer idea of how someone looks - and their body shape.

I have to admit that when I was internet dating I avoided the 'one picture' profiles as it was nearly always the case that they were a disappointment in the flesh.

yes, it's shallow but that - alas - is internet dating for you.

4thfloor Sat 03-Aug-13 14:00:46

hadababygirl why would anyone here critise, no one would.

I am wondering if maybe this is coming across in your profile and contacts you're making too? It sounds as if you're almost are accepting that no one will be interested possibly because you are at a low ebb yourself at the mo?

Sometimes our subconcious gives things away in our writing

So two questions

1) Do you really want a date/partner at the moment, for them, or is it to plug an emptiness

2) What would happen if you arranged a date? Would you turn up or back out at the last minute to avoid rejection?

No need to answer but thought I'd ask as this is how I felt once and looking back I thought my profile was great, but I can only now see where I was going wrong. I was putting subtle signals that I couldnt see at the time that were saying 'I'm know am unlovable' iyswim (really sorry if I'm way off the mark here smile

PasswordProtected Germany Sat 03-Aug-13 13:49:00

Well, to use that well-worn cliche, beauty is in the eye of the beholder ;-)
I was 47 (still just about) when I met toyboy, who was 41.

hadababygirl Sat 03-Aug-13 13:46:25

Nooo, I am not up to the inevitable criticism that would follow. I genuinely don't think there's anything wrong with it but I think it just isn't for me x

4thfloor Sat 03-Aug-13 13:43:26

hadababygirl would you like to share your profile, even with one poster here that you trust, and get some neutral feedback on it?

hadababygirl Sat 03-Aug-13 13:35:16

Lol. Obviously not that. My requirements are very general and broad. I honestly think I'm just a bit too old, that combined with not being beautiful and having DC maybe puts them off.

PasswordProtected Germany Sat 03-Aug-13 13:35:13

Should add, I met a charming older man online, some years ago, with whom I could easily have fallen in love, but I am too independent & competitve (his words, but put more diplomatically). He ended up remarrying (widower) after a whirlwind romance. I ended up with toyboy, good all round, but at the time I was not looking for a younger man!

PasswordProtected Germany Sat 03-Aug-13 13:31:04

OK, so if your profile is fine, what about your "requirements"?
Age range, appearance, location, interests?
Searching on: tall, dark, handsome prince, aged 35, with own castle and white horse, hobbies: dragon slaying & jousting, is probably not going to yield much.

TroublesomeEx Sat 03-Aug-13 13:17:58

Fairy Your profile sounds similar to mine. One of the dates I had said he really liked the fact that the photos were all so different and showed the real me. And didn't look like they'd been staged just to make me look 'attractive'.

My profile is also shows my personality and talks about what I enjoy. I agree it's good for the self esteem too wink

I don't really expect to meet 'the one' (although it would be great if I did!). I want to find out who I am, what I am, what my deal breakers are... Already, I know that level of education/intelligence and the field someone works in are more important than the amount of money they earn. Ethnicity isn't an issue, neither is height, but weight and the type of humour someone uses both are.

Maleview that's really interesting. I've made the initial contact with most of the men I'm chatting with and they've both said that a lot of men lack the confidence to actually make contact with someone!

I spent 3.5 hours chatting with someone last night who I would initially have thought was a bit out of my league. I contacted him at the beginning of the week in a real "he's too good looking to not contact him - if I don't ask, I'll never know" sort of way. We've chatted for a couple of hours every night since and, so far, he's the one I've clicked with the most!

I've maybe had the opposite experience to a lot of people with online dating so I'll offer my 2ps worth!

Went on match aged 30 following a marriage split and can honestly say I had a great time! I kept my profile fairly light hearted and put about 4-5 photos on - different things such as one of my riding my horse, out with friends etc. there were a couple of oddities well outside the age range I'd put on (think I said 29-39) but mainly most contacts seems fairly genuine and nice. I met one guy and went out with him for several weeks but it became clear that he didn't really want a girlfriend so we called time on it. The second guy was gorgeous but seemed to HATE my dog so that didn't go anywhere. Then I met my now fiancée and he's perfect!

He said that he liked the different photos I had up and also what I'd written because it was about my personality and what I enjoyed rather than a list of what I didn't want etc.

I realise I was extremely lucky with dating this way but I honesty did y enjoy it and found it very good for my self esteem - it was v low at the time. I can see that a prolonged period doing it would be immensely frustrating tho. OP maybe take a bit of time away from it and see how you get on?

VelvetSpoon Sat 03-Aug-13 10:47:15

It's interesting you say that re messaging men first maleview, back when I was OD-ing I sent lots of initial messages to men, barely got any replies back and those that did petered out after 2 or 3 exchanges, as the men seemed quite uninterested.

Re attractiveness, I find very few of the men who contact me attractive enough to reply to (maybe 1 in 30). Of course only a few of those result in dates - and of those dates there was only one I actually found attractive in the flesh (the others were ok, but not as good as their photos).

maleview70 Sat 03-Aug-13 10:03:53

Bit of a generalisation here but men in their 30's when given a choice of hundred or thousands will go for the prettiest
girls who are at younger. Clearly some of these men have got no chance but we blokes all think we are gods gift and
attractive to all women!

One thing that does appeal to men is if women message them first. Amazing how a man can suddenly become interested when he knows someone is interested in him!

Do you message plenty or leave them to contact
You first?

itchyandscratchy26 Sat 03-Aug-13 08:36:51

In my experience from 2004-2007 when using match and dating direct, I found that poor spelling and grammar was one of best indicators of time wasters or men after casual sex. One of the things that attracted me to DH was his ability to write a proper message with no text speak or 'lols' etc.
I used this to filter out quite a few.

WafflyVersatile Sat 03-Aug-13 00:39:27

vlevet I agree with you to an extent.

For instance I could play safer with my humour on mine but it's out there and no one reading it thinking 'she thinks she's funny but she'f not' is going to message me because who wants to spend time with someone whose humour you dislike. It maybe lowers the pool of men wanting to contact you but they would have been no good to you anyway.

OTOH. An ex of mine (met online but on on OD) I would never ever have gone out with had I met him at work. Would probably barely have spoken to him. So out of those ones dismissed for not being attractive enough there might have been someone that you would find attractive in another situation.

I've not had the 'over 40 have a look' experience. Maybe on POF, but they all seem to have a look whatever their age.

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