to think DH should help me round the house

(39 Posts)
skyblue11 Fri 02-Aug-13 08:08:51

You see I work part time (30 hours) so I get a day off in the week so I think he thinks that I should do everything in my free time. OK, but I now use that day to support my mum with dementia.

I really hate the ironing, I occasionally leave his shirts and although he doesn't say anything I can feel his annoyance.

He works full time, and he might empty the dishwasher or run the hoover round very occasionally but I can't think of anything else that he does. I do everything like cooking, cleaning, ironing as well as all the finance stuff (he just lets me know if he draws out money, if he remembers). I have always done childcare but now shes older it's not an issue. All he does is come home from work, eat his tea and watch TV. How can I motivate him without 'nagging' it always results in rows but I feel like I have a bad deal. I even sort the car, garden and DIY out!

PomBearArmy Fri 02-Aug-13 16:03:37

He's had it easy way too long OP, and the fact that he's a whiny brat about ironing shirts when you do everything around the house is taking the piss. Six foot babies are very unattractive.

He needs a rude shock. I hope you give it to him!

specialsubject Fri 02-Aug-13 12:25:19

my usual question: you have sex with this man because...

the answer should include: we respect each other, we enjoy each other's company, we are a team to support each other.

does it?

ElephantsAndMiasmas Fri 02-Aug-13 12:22:28

Have you asked him what percentage of house stuff he would consider "fair" for him to do? It might be interesting because unless he's a really cheeky fuck he's not going to say 5% or whatever it is he's doing now. Then you could draw out how much time everything takes and decide how he can fulfil his bit.

Doesn't he feel guilty sitting on his fat arse while you cook for him EVERY NIGHT?

arethereanyleftatall Fri 02-Aug-13 09:48:24

Hi Sky, to answer your query, my 'half' would be the day to day cleaning of emptying dishwasher, surfaces etc and his 'half' is the cleaner who comes in once a week to do bathrooms, floors and dusting. He earns far more than I do, so the cleaner is paid out of his money, once all the bills are paid. As it is, we're ok financially anyway, but if we weren't, he would sacrifice eg his night in the pub for a cleaner. For example.

BabyMakesMyEyesGoSleepy Fri 02-Aug-13 09:40:08

He sounds impossible and tbf I would just stop doing everything for him. No cooking,cleaning washing or ironing. Something needs to change before you end up run ragged.

DuchessFanny Fri 02-Aug-13 09:31:57

That would be my issue too Sky. If leave it to the kids and DH and let them wallow in their own filth, but I can't live like that. I like a tidy, clean house !!
I don't work, all my DC are at school, however I never iron DH's shirts and he does a lot of cooking in the week.
The rest of the chores we do together as a family, because we ALL live in the house. I do a 'proper' clean once, maybe twice a week and then the every day stuff we all keep on top of. I have been known to nag, but they all know if its not done we have less 'fun, family time' and it seems to work for us.
Good luck, as I know making the initial change to your existing routine will be the hardest bit.

Capitola Fri 02-Aug-13 09:31:21

He shouldn't be helping you as it is his responsibility too.

I never do my husband's washing or ironing and I work pt, he works ft. We share cleaning and he does all of the cooking because he enjoys it, he also enjoys food shopping, something I loathe.

Stop being your husband's servant. I have some friends like you op - they took on the role of mother when they moved in with their partner and now they resent their useless, lazy husbands.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Fri 02-Aug-13 09:27:13

Keep a record of all the work you do – your job outside of home and all the work you do at home and for your mum as well.

You may both be surprised at how much you do. It's just that housework etc is STILL not generally seen as work that needs recognising or paying.

skyblue11 Fri 02-Aug-13 09:20:14

arethereany I was just wondering how the cleaner does his half?

He also doesn't care if the house is a mess, I don't clean down 'his side' of the bed, it's got piles of clothes and his bedside is just stacked with crap. I leave this because no one else sees it, the whole house would be this way if I didn't clean and tidy and I have my pride. Perhaps too much.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 02-Aug-13 09:16:48

I am sure he wouldn't care but to counter this ridiculous idea that you work less than him, you have the option of detailing your working week and his.
Your 30hrs, plus x hours ironing, x hours cooking, x hours cleaning, x hours.... etc etc

And detail his. X hours working.

I bet you spend more hours working than he does. Many more.

It would be interesting to hear him try to tell you that nothing done round the home is of value to him.

Cos that's how he feels.

Its your duty to skivvy for him.

He's wrong.

chesterberry Fri 02-Aug-13 09:15:38

I think it's reasonable of him to suggest that as you work one day less than him then you might do more housework than him. You have 3 days off a week and he has 2, so it might be fair to suggest that you do 60% of the housework and he does 40%, with each day off being worth 20% of the work. It doesn't sound like he is doing anywhere near that much and I think you need to put it to him that it is very unreasonable for him to expect you to do 90% of the housework in your one day off!

Also if you are supporting your mum on your day off and don't actually have your day off as a day off IYSWIM that needs to be taken into account and maybe the share of housework does need to be closer to 50/50.

I think you need to sit down with him and have a talk, and as others have said you shouldn't be requesting his 'help' as that suggests it is your responsibility, rather you should be asking when he is going to do his share of the housework and agreeing on which chores each of you will take responsibility for and on which days. If it's agreed that you will be taking a slightly greater share of the housework then this needs to be fair - a 55/45 or 60/40 split might be reasonable, an 80/20 probably isn't.

As others have said housework is not automatically a female job and he needs to start taking an equal responsibility for household chores. Good luck in talking to him and dividing things in a more equal manner.

arethereanyleftatall Fri 02-Aug-13 09:11:19

My DH is a bit like this, well not quite so bad, but no where near the level that other posters enjoy.
I feel the same as you that I don't want to nag him to do it, but my options tend to be nag, or do it myself.
His defense is that he doesn't care if the house is clean or not, so if I want it clean, I should do it. He doesn't care if he eats takeaway or dinner, so if I want dinner, I should cook and clean away etc etc
(By the way, disclaimer, I like and love my DH, apart from this bit!)

So, this is the way I manage it;
1. I never do anything that helps him and does nothing for me. For example, his laundry. Don't wash it, don't dry it and don't iron it. It's not your job to do it.
2. With the cooking thing, I have turned this to my advantage (sort of) in that we eat what I want every night, and if I don't want anything, I don't cook.
3. I do my half of the cleaning, he pays for a cleaner to do his half.

skyblue11 Fri 02-Aug-13 09:07:19

Jan Yes his Mum did it all and he moved into my house (yes MY) after we married, I guess that hasn't helped.

Password I wished we could afford that we aren't high earners by any means!

Well why doesn't he go part time?

PasswordProtected Fri 02-Aug-13 09:04:21

Get a cleaner and a gardener?

skyblue11 Fri 02-Aug-13 09:02:56

Jan He simply thinks as I 'work less' so I should do more chores, end of.

I used to work PT when DD was younger and I have gradually increased, I was only FT for 18 months before I had DD, I can't remember what we did initially too long ago!

I have definitely decided I am no longer doing his ironing, trouble is I just feel so guilty, I need to get over that.

CelticPromise Fri 02-Aug-13 09:01:44

He sounds like an arse. I'm a SAHM mainly, DH works ft with a long commute. He does more than his share. No-one irons in this house. DH's shirts go out to the dry cleaners.

I'd stop doing his stuff- just wash and cook for yourself. Maybe draw up a timetable showing what you both do? Did his mother do everything for him at home?

Jan49 Fri 02-Aug-13 08:58:43

It sounds like he's got an excuse for everything. The cat's "yours" so he expects you to deal with that. You work less hours than him so he expects you to do all the domestic stuff. If you worked the same hours as him, would he do half the housework or would he decide your job was easier, your travel hours less, or it didn't need doing? IMO What it really comes down to is, he doesn't want to do any household chores so he's happy to find reasons why you should do them all.angry

Did you previously work full time? If so, what happened about household chores then?

I think I'd definitely stop doing any of his ironing and if he irons it noisily and you are aware of his annoyance, so what? Just let him.

skyblue11 Fri 02-Aug-13 08:58:09

UC no because he doesn't know I'm on here and he'd be annoyed I was bitching about him.

skyblue11 Fri 02-Aug-13 08:56:59

I am actually envious of you all who have partners that do their fair share. It's my fault though for being stupid I know.

I think he's really childish and selfish for example, he went to bed last night but was still awake when I took up the days washing. So I placed his undies on the bed for him to reach over and put them in his drawers at the side of him. To which he started tutting, why are you doing this now? I replied why are you moaning I washed and dried them for you? I wanted to throttle him with his socks he drives me mad sometimes.

UC Fri 02-Aug-13 08:52:37

Show him this thread.

madamecake Fri 02-Aug-13 08:51:03

30 hours is almost full-time. My full-time contract was for 35 hours, not far off what you are doing plus you are caring for your mum, so you are probably "working" as much as he is and he should be doing half of all cleaning, cooking etc.

Agree with other posters that you should stop doing his ironing. If he does say anything say you don't have enough time.

Can you and your dc eat dinner before he gets home once in a while? Say you were too hungry to wait for him and there wasn't enough to go around. He will then have to sort himself out or go hungry!

I'm now a sahm and my DH works full time, but he will cook dinner on weekends, tidy the house, put washing on etc.

Offer him a straight swap. He can go down to 30 hours provided he spends the day off work caring for your mother. On top of that he can do all the housework while you sit on the sofa and tut at him for not working hard enough. When he tells you not to be ridiculous point out if it really was such a good deal, he'd be tempted.

Don't iron his shirts at all. Tell him he's not remotely pulling his weight and that's the least he can do.

In my view you both work full-time given your caring responsibilities. But even if you didn't have those the housework split would be about 60:40.

MammaTJ Fri 02-Aug-13 08:36:35

I think the biggest problem you have is describing your working 30 hours as part time!! Tax Credits give people full time credit for working 30 hours.

You are also a carer for your mum.

He sounds like a total dick, tbh!

skyblue11 Fri 02-Aug-13 08:35:23

I have just realised my title was 'help me' and you're all pointing out to me what is obvious which is good, I am thinking the wrong way!

He does iron what he needs but in a noisy petulant childlike way. Then I have a blitz and may iron 15/16 at a time as I have left them on the pile.

I need to get him to change his attitude, it's just how after me being his skivvy for so long, it's an expectation.

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