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to think DH should help me round the house

(39 Posts)
skyblue11 Fri 02-Aug-13 08:08:51

You see I work part time (30 hours) so I get a day off in the week so I think he thinks that I should do everything in my free time. OK, but I now use that day to support my mum with dementia.

I really hate the ironing, I occasionally leave his shirts and although he doesn't say anything I can feel his annoyance.

He works full time, and he might empty the dishwasher or run the hoover round very occasionally but I can't think of anything else that he does. I do everything like cooking, cleaning, ironing as well as all the finance stuff (he just lets me know if he draws out money, if he remembers). I have always done childcare but now shes older it's not an issue. All he does is come home from work, eat his tea and watch TV. How can I motivate him without 'nagging' it always results in rows but I feel like I have a bad deal. I even sort the car, garden and DIY out!

Well why doesn't he go part time?

skyblue11 Fri 02-Aug-13 09:07:19

Jan Yes his Mum did it all and he moved into my house (yes MY) after we married, I guess that hasn't helped.

Password I wished we could afford that we aren't high earners by any means!

arethereanyleftatall Fri 02-Aug-13 09:11:19

My DH is a bit like this, well not quite so bad, but no where near the level that other posters enjoy.
I feel the same as you that I don't want to nag him to do it, but my options tend to be nag, or do it myself.
His defense is that he doesn't care if the house is clean or not, so if I want it clean, I should do it. He doesn't care if he eats takeaway or dinner, so if I want dinner, I should cook and clean away etc etc
(By the way, disclaimer, I like and love my DH, apart from this bit!)

So, this is the way I manage it;
1. I never do anything that helps him and does nothing for me. For example, his laundry. Don't wash it, don't dry it and don't iron it. It's not your job to do it.
2. With the cooking thing, I have turned this to my advantage (sort of) in that we eat what I want every night, and if I don't want anything, I don't cook.
3. I do my half of the cleaning, he pays for a cleaner to do his half.

chesterberry Fri 02-Aug-13 09:15:38

I think it's reasonable of him to suggest that as you work one day less than him then you might do more housework than him. You have 3 days off a week and he has 2, so it might be fair to suggest that you do 60% of the housework and he does 40%, with each day off being worth 20% of the work. It doesn't sound like he is doing anywhere near that much and I think you need to put it to him that it is very unreasonable for him to expect you to do 90% of the housework in your one day off!

Also if you are supporting your mum on your day off and don't actually have your day off as a day off IYSWIM that needs to be taken into account and maybe the share of housework does need to be closer to 50/50.

I think you need to sit down with him and have a talk, and as others have said you shouldn't be requesting his 'help' as that suggests it is your responsibility, rather you should be asking when he is going to do his share of the housework and agreeing on which chores each of you will take responsibility for and on which days. If it's agreed that you will be taking a slightly greater share of the housework then this needs to be fair - a 55/45 or 60/40 split might be reasonable, an 80/20 probably isn't.

As others have said housework is not automatically a female job and he needs to start taking an equal responsibility for household chores. Good luck in talking to him and dividing things in a more equal manner.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 02-Aug-13 09:16:48

I am sure he wouldn't care but to counter this ridiculous idea that you work less than him, you have the option of detailing your working week and his.
Your 30hrs, plus x hours ironing, x hours cooking, x hours cleaning, x hours.... etc etc

And detail his. X hours working.

I bet you spend more hours working than he does. Many more.

It would be interesting to hear him try to tell you that nothing done round the home is of value to him.

Cos that's how he feels.

Its your duty to skivvy for him.

He's wrong.

skyblue11 Fri 02-Aug-13 09:20:14

arethereany I was just wondering how the cleaner does his half?

He also doesn't care if the house is a mess, I don't clean down 'his side' of the bed, it's got piles of clothes and his bedside is just stacked with crap. I leave this because no one else sees it, the whole house would be this way if I didn't clean and tidy and I have my pride. Perhaps too much.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Fri 02-Aug-13 09:27:13

Keep a record of all the work you do – your job outside of home and all the work you do at home and for your mum as well.

You may both be surprised at how much you do. It's just that housework etc is STILL not generally seen as work that needs recognising or paying.

Capitola Fri 02-Aug-13 09:31:21

He shouldn't be helping you as it is his responsibility too.

I never do my husband's washing or ironing and I work pt, he works ft. We share cleaning and he does all of the cooking because he enjoys it, he also enjoys food shopping, something I loathe.

Stop being your husband's servant. I have some friends like you op - they took on the role of mother when they moved in with their partner and now they resent their useless, lazy husbands.

DuchessFanny Fri 02-Aug-13 09:31:57

That would be my issue too Sky. If leave it to the kids and DH and let them wallow in their own filth, but I can't live like that. I like a tidy, clean house !!
I don't work, all my DC are at school, however I never iron DH's shirts and he does a lot of cooking in the week.
The rest of the chores we do together as a family, because we ALL live in the house. I do a 'proper' clean once, maybe twice a week and then the every day stuff we all keep on top of. I have been known to nag, but they all know if its not done we have less 'fun, family time' and it seems to work for us.
Good luck, as I know making the initial change to your existing routine will be the hardest bit.

BabyMakesMyEyesGoSleepy Fri 02-Aug-13 09:40:08

He sounds impossible and tbf I would just stop doing everything for him. No cooking,cleaning washing or ironing. Something needs to change before you end up run ragged.

arethereanyleftatall Fri 02-Aug-13 09:48:24

Hi Sky, to answer your query, my 'half' would be the day to day cleaning of emptying dishwasher, surfaces etc and his 'half' is the cleaner who comes in once a week to do bathrooms, floors and dusting. He earns far more than I do, so the cleaner is paid out of his money, once all the bills are paid. As it is, we're ok financially anyway, but if we weren't, he would sacrifice eg his night in the pub for a cleaner. For example.

ElephantsAndMiasmas Fri 02-Aug-13 12:22:28

Have you asked him what percentage of house stuff he would consider "fair" for him to do? It might be interesting because unless he's a really cheeky fuck he's not going to say 5% or whatever it is he's doing now. Then you could draw out how much time everything takes and decide how he can fulfil his bit.

Doesn't he feel guilty sitting on his fat arse while you cook for him EVERY NIGHT?

specialsubject Fri 02-Aug-13 12:25:19

my usual question: you have sex with this man because...

the answer should include: we respect each other, we enjoy each other's company, we are a team to support each other.

does it?

PomBearArmy Fri 02-Aug-13 16:03:37

He's had it easy way too long OP, and the fact that he's a whiny brat about ironing shirts when you do everything around the house is taking the piss. Six foot babies are very unattractive.

He needs a rude shock. I hope you give it to him!

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