Am I being an unreasonable bridezilla or is DM just up to her old tricks?(203 Posts)
Am a regular but have NC incase IABU, don't wanna ruin my street cred and all that <preens>
DP are getting married next year. We're doing it on the cheap as we don't have much money and don't wanna get into debt. When discussing venues my parents suggested the country pub they play darts in, as it has a nice garden, restaurant and has had weddings there before. It is close to where I was raised so I already know the majority of people who work there. Perfect, I thought.
Told DM I would give the landlady a call. Don't worry she said, I'll talk to her. DM told me that the landlady was very excited at the prospect and to pop in today and see her. DP and I arrange to go in and DM informs me that her and DF will come too. I told them not to worry but they insisted, saying I'd get a better deal if they were there. I said fine, providing they didn't start saying "no, you don't wanna do that, what you wanna do is...".
The reason I said that is DM has form for being VERY controlling, and aggressive when I don't do as I'm told. A few examples are kicking me out of the house when I was 16. Disowning me when I refused to drop out of university after losing my job (DP was supporting me, but supposedly it was 'shameful' and 'dirty' to rely on a man...She hasn't had a job in 10 years). Saying that I was nasty and thought I was better than her because I refused to wean DD onto purees at 3mo. Telling me "you think you're really pretty, but you're not" when I booked holiday off my minimum wage job at 18 to do some modelling.
Anyways, I digress. When we get there it seems like noone is expecting us. The chef comes out utterly oblivious to what we want or what we're doing so I ask to speak to the landlady. As expected, DM and DF start going "what we want is...". I sit there silently until they have finished before saying "No, what we want is...And it's our wedding so". The landlady is very enthusiastic and happy with our plans. We don't want anything special, just a band and a big piss up really.
After the meeting, landlady and chef go away (appearing) happy. DM then starts with "you don't want your wedding at that time, you want it at this time because...", "you don't want your band inside, you'll disturb people trying to have a relaxing drink (in a different room!) it's give and take you know, you're being very selfish and they'r doing you a favour". Tried to explain to DM that they are a business, we are paying them a fair chunk of money for food and drinks and they'll be making a fortune on the bar. The landlady was practically rubbing her hands with glee when I told her how many guests we were having and accepting all their prices. I apologized for getting frustrated at the beginning and the landlady apologized to me for not knowing that this meeting was taking place.
But nope, I am "selfish and an embarrassment. Think you're better than everyone else and everyone should just bow down to you." She stormed off shouting that she couldn't stand me for another second. I went home and cried. I'm supposed to be excited about my wedding and she has shit all over that.
She has just text me saying I'm bloody horrible and that I never used to be like that, what has changed me?
I dunno. Am I being a bridezilla? Should I be a bit more laid back and let others have their way on bits of my wedding?
Sorry for the essay?
I know shes your DM but she sounds like a childish bitch. I'll help you plan :D I love a wedding lol
I dont understand why you took her - you present people with a fait accomplis not invite their opinions
Your mother is toxic. You are not being a bridezilla.
I would have serious doubts about inviting her to the wedding tbh. Do you want to run the risk of her ruining yours and DP's day?
God I'd cancel the venue & book a totally different one or she might go in there & change all your plans
Have to say, that although I would really guilty about doing it to the very nice landlady who is over the moon at hosting your wedding, I would be tempted to change the venue
or just tell your DM that you have . If you decide to stick with the venue, then i would go back down there and make sure that the landlady is aware of whose wedding this is and who is calling the shots. That whatever your DM may say to her, there are to be NO changes without your personal say no.
Sounds like she can't stand you being a grown up
Unless you suddenly start writing shit poems or demanding money with menaces you are not a bridezilla. Your DM is an idiot.
Why not give the landlady a call to get her email address, then write to confirm all the things you want. Slip in a bit about your mother being very - erm - enthusiastic, so any changes should be confirmed by you via email.
Should have said that YANBU and that you are NOT being a bridezilla! Hope you have a fab wedding day, and an even better marriage!
Your mother is awful! (Sorry).
I'd re-book somewhere else and not invite her, TBH. I'd have a lovely day with friends who loved me, doing what I and DP wanted to.
And I wouldn't have the fear of mother being a cunt and ruining the day hanging over me.
I know! Send her a Save The Date card but don't actually invite her to the wedding. THEN ask her to help you decorate the venue at short notice.
Don't use that venue. She thinks she 'owns' it as its her local and she made the introductions. She could well change your bookings but from the sounds of it she'll definitely disapprove of anything you choose independently. YANBU by I fear she'll make your life a misery anyway. Choose somewhere she has no involvement at all and don't tell her until the invites go out. Even then I would warn the venue to only change things with a code word.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Your not inviting her are you?
Sorry, I know she's your mum but sounds like you've worked hard for this wedding overcoming lot's and why should you invite someone who is likely to upset you?
It's not you, it's her.
Agree with either going somewhere else or making sure the landlady is aware that you are calling the shots and not to agree with anything your DM might try to change.
YANBU - change the venue. Seriously, do it. Find somewhere that's significant for both yourself and DP. If you don't, she'll be sidling up to the landlady during the darts match and speak with seeming authority as if its coming from the brides mouth herself and change a shit load of things. It's not worth the hassle.
If you can't change THE VENUE, TALK TO THE LANDLADY AND make clear nothing and no one but you change the plans. Scuse random caps. Tell her you won't pay for anything not specified by you. Put all plans in writing and by email and tell the landlady you're doing that because you know your mother will interfere.
Then tell your mother it's a week after.
You know nothing you do in relation to your wedding will be "right" for your mother,
or in life for that matter, change the venue and don't invite her. Have a fab day just how you want it
ah thanks for the reassurance everyone! I really don't know whether I'm coming or going with her as obviously this sort of behavior has been going on my entire life. It's only since I met DP and got to know his family that I see that mothers sometimes just smile & nod, instead of having a full on meltdown when they don't agree with their children.
On the drive home DP said I should call the landlady and just say that unless she hears it from me, it's not true. I have no idea how to get this across without making me seem like a stroppy kid though. Well at least that's how I'll feel. She probably sensed the tension.
I'm ashamed to say I text DM back. I never do arguements, least of all by text. I usually just ignore her til she calms down, then try & brush it under the carpet. But as she said, I've changed!
Yikes she sounds bloody awful!
Stand up to her and remain firm on this. She will hate it, and she will punish you, but do not back down.
She has no business behaving this way and she has got away with it for long enough.
Famzilla - On the drive home DP said I should call the landlady and just say that unless she hears it from me, it's not true. I have no idea how to get this across without making me seem like a stroppy kid though.
Just be polite and explain your DM has different ideas to you and you would simply prefer she confirm things with you before changing anything. You don't really need to go into detail, especially as you are the ones paying.
Oh and no poems or requests for money. Just a donation to the local animal shelter
as our wedding is so cheap it would be shameful to ask for more than 20p!
Famzilla, I like your style!
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