To wonder if DH is having an EA

(204 Posts)
youvegotmail Tue 30-Jul-13 21:27:30

I've never heard of an EA before being on Mumsnet, but now I'm wondering if DH is having one.......

He's had a friendship with a woman he works with for over a year now, and I've never been totally comfortable with it, but I thought I was a jealous hag (she's young and bloody gorgeous of course)

She and my DH get on really well - they work in different offices for the same company, and he is senior to her. They met when he was doing her induction and he came home and told me they'd hired this great person for the role and how pleased he was, how lovely she was etc (so not hiding anything). Then their contact from then on is mostly through email although about six times a year they have to do presentatons together in the same place. I know they email a ton and it's not all work related - lots of jokes (like ones between just them - stupid stuff) and chatting as they like all the same things - I thought DH and I had shitloads in common but now I think they have more. I know this because his work emails come through to our iPad so are open for me to see - he's never hidden them. It pisses me off though to see a string of 10+ emails over the course of the day just chatting and making stupid fucking jokes. Theres an accasional Facebook message too.

I have said something about her a couple of times to him, when the friendship/EA/whatever really seemed to be taking off and the contact was high. I said that he was being unprofessional and inappropriate and that they were getting too friendly and I was uncomfortable and he didn't agree but both times he then totally toned it down for a few months and went all brusqueu with her, but then it builds again.

I've met her three times at work functions and I'm quite ashamed to say that I was not friendly - in fact DH afterwards said he was embarrassed and that I made it very awkward for no reason. She does seem really nice - but I can't get over the feeling she's getting too close to my husband and shouldn't be emailing him in a friendly way - he is her senior at work and they are both married (we have 3 DCs age 17, 15 and 11 and she has a very young DC not sure of exact age).

There is never anything at all flirty, sexual, suggestive or even much personal in their messages its more just the sheer volume of them and the fact that he clearly thinks shes really funny and clever - their banter really gets under my skin.

AIBU?

Beastofburden Sat 03-Aug-13 00:47:37

Hello YGM. I am not surprised you are feeling overwhelmed, as it is a big step to confront him when, as you say, it is so difficult to know the truest ate of things.

Perhaps if you start by saying that you KNOW (hope!) it's only banter and there is nothing to see, BUT he is thinking of her at 7am and last thing at night, that makes you very uneasy as it is not a normal level of friendship.... Then you could have a conversation about the dangers of this kind of friendship. Which means you can raise your fears without accusing him. This assumes he is basically a good bloke who loves you but needs a wake up call, which I hope is the case.

MysteriousHamster Sat 03-Aug-13 01:02:02

It's a tricky one because to confront him at this stage, he probably will tell himself he's being totally innocent and you're being ridiculous. He won't want to allow the possibility he was enjoying being flattered and that he was thinking about OW when he should have been thinking about and talking to and sharing with you.

You could always ask him 'do you still talk to X a lot' and take it from there?

Of course he will probably minimise, but this should be where he realises and pulls away.

MysteriousHamster Sat 03-Aug-13 01:02:29

btw I'd post in relationships if I were you

skyeskyeskye Sat 03-Aug-13 01:06:57

OP, if you report your own thread, you could ask them to move it to relationships for you.

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