to want to strangle my 11 year old dd

(110 Posts)
BellaTalbert Tue 30-Jul-13 19:50:30

Need to vent as would happily like to strangle my dd as she is currently screaming and crying in the kitchen as well as trying to make herself vomit.

My dd has just had a friend around for dinner and after her friend left I asked her to help me with the washing up. My dd then totally lost it screaming that she has "bloody children's rights" and that its slave labor.

I am apparently a child abuser and the worst mother in the world. I warned her that if she continued to shout etc then she would lose her phone which now as she has lost.

My mother would have killed me if I every spoke to her like this at this age. Where did I go wrong???

Euphemia Wed 31-Jul-13 10:51:39

We're in Scotland so DD doesn't go up to high school until next year. She's developing what we teachers call "P7-itis" already. hmm

I pity her new teacher, who's an NQT. P7 for your first year of teaching is not easy!

I also have an 11yr old DD.
Yesterday I told her if she was so determined to sit on her arse and not help, that's exactly what she could do, but there'd be no phone, no friends over, no sleepovers and no camping trip at the weekend.

She soon decided to help me--and I had a few beers--

colettemum3 Wed 31-Jul-13 11:09:53

Humm she's back. Had to repeatedly shout to get her up as it's 11am and she said it was summer holidays and she's not doing anything. Errr yes you are. You still got chores, studying and martial arts.

Just gave her a bed time.

daisychicken Wed 31-Jul-13 11:43:30

Im shocked it works Netto - ds just whinges and moans but seemingly doesn't care when I take phones, screen time, playing out etc away.. He whinges yes, but when I remind him of why he lost X.. he shrugs his shoulders and walk off hmm

freddiefrog Wed 31-Jul-13 11:46:05

My DD doesn't care when I confiscate stuff either.

The only thing that seems to bother her is grounding her, but then I get so fed up with her under my feet stropping and whingeing that it feels more like a punishment for me than her

ImperialBlether Wed 31-Jul-13 12:16:36

Valium, I'm laughing so much at:

Ds honestly thought he was classed as a 'young carer' and filled out a form at school staying he was as he had to do jobs round the house for me.

Oh, and he has child line on speed dial on his phone

shotofexpresso Wed 31-Jul-13 12:24:31

I would struggle not to laugh actually, perhaps make her see how ridiculous she is being?

ItsDecisionTime Wed 31-Jul-13 12:29:21

My friend's daughter has always been like this, since she could walk and talk. She's now 10 and her mother has now resorted to seeking professional help as she cannot take the abuse and tantrums any longer. Her mum thought it must be something she couldn't control but she doesn't act the same way at school which proves she only does it when there are no consequences. Good luck.

Beastofburden Wed 31-Jul-13 12:32:02

Laughing my head off at the young carers form. I blame all these PHSE lessons at school.

They are weird hybrids at this age, like gryphons: half adult, half toddler. They feel they must have the last word, even if it is walking away looking cool when they are angry inside.

I can only suggest two things:

Change your wifi password everyday and do not hand it out until it is earned by good behaviour of whatever kind you are encouraging.

If DD wants a dinner party, do not do the cooking and shopping for her in return for her clearing away. By the time the party is over, she has nothing to lose. No, she does the shopping and (supervised) cooking and tidying and laying the table. if she doesnt, her party is a failure. you wash up afterwards as your sole contribution.

Groovee Wed 31-Jul-13 13:25:09

Dd hates having something removed. It causes another tantrum. But ds is almost 11 and is starting on some mood swings.

valiumredhead Wed 31-Jul-13 13:35:47

Yeah these phse lessons have a lot to answer forhmm

BabyMakesMyEyesGoSleepy Wed 31-Jul-13 16:22:40

My 14 year old offered to mind dc3 and dc4 this afternoon whilst I lay down (had awful period cramps). I got up to find she had given them lunch and was doing colouring in with them.

I'm being buttered up,this is not my usual stroppy drama queen. I'm guessing either a concert or a new phone. But I'm going to milk it while I can.

CoolStoryBro Wed 31-Jul-13 16:30:02

I blame it on Proms for Primary school kids!!!

grin

Wuldric Wed 31-Jul-13 16:37:10

I've properly cursed it now haven't I? She'll be slamming doors and swearing at me tomorrow

You mean there are people out there whose daughters don't slam doors and swear at them? Where?

tedmundo Wed 31-Jul-13 16:46:26

These stories are funny and terrifying in equal measures.

I would love, love, love to know what the childline advice would be to the DCs phoning to report you all for making them do chores!

How very dare you? grin

<sets the countdown clock for when ds1 turns 11>

Wuldric Wed 31-Jul-13 16:54:38

The reason that a simple request to chip-in results in eye-rolling, door-slamming, swearing and calls to child-line is that the children in question have been waited upon hand and foot. Then all of a sudden they get a request (an unnatural request) to pull their weight. Well, not their weight exactly, more the weight of a chihuahua, and they object.

Train em early folks. We molly coddle them to ridiculous extents. Get them setting the table, tidying their rooms, washing up, pulling up weeds, hanging clothes out, cooking. Start young. 3 is not too early.

<voice of experience>

Sadly I cooked for my children for far far too long. I am seriously worried that DD will go to university incapable of boiling an egg. Get weaving.

valiumredhead Wed 31-Jul-13 16:56:34

I had to have strong words with ds about how it was his decision to ring child line BUT that he would be tying up the line for some one who actually needed it. He then told me not to be silly as it wasn't just one line it's a call centre. Which leads me to believe he has actually called them at some point which I'm horrified at. I hope they bollocked him the little toe ragangry

valiumredhead Wed 31-Jul-13 16:57:53

Wuldric-but that's not true, ds has always, always had to chip in, it's just know he's complaining about it!

valiumredhead Wed 31-Jul-13 17:01:04

Ds has done all that from 3 including tidying toys and putting dirty clothes in wash basket from when he was 2!

valiumredhead Wed 31-Jul-13 17:03:04

Wrt cooking, he can knock up a bolognsise, lasagne, white /cheese sauce,a lemon drizzle cake, muffins. This is why he thinks he's a young carergrin

JCDenton Wed 31-Jul-13 17:05:46

^The reason that a simple request to chip-in results in eye-rolling, door-slamming, swearing and calls to child-line is that the children in question have been waited upon hand and foot. Then all of a sudden they get a request (an unnatural request) to pull their weight. Well, not their weight exactly, more the weight of a chihuahua, and they object.

Train em early folks. We molly coddle them to ridiculous extents. Get them setting the table, tidying their rooms, washing up, pulling up weeds, hanging clothes out, cooking. Start young. 3 is not too early

<voice of experience>

Sadly I cooked for my children for far far too long. I am seriously worried that DD will go to university incapable of boiling an egg. Get weaving.^

This was the case for me as a child/teen. I wouldn't have got a summer job on pain of death, only managed to get out of bed under my own steam when I got a job and only really learned how to organise myself without my mum doing it when I got to uni.

I cringe at my 11-17 year old self, I really do. And I'm probably going to get it back double in the future.

"Put the kettle on? Has she gone nuts? I'm trying to watch the Weakest Link, damn it!"

DD actually is a young carer, but she still is a lazy, stroppy arse at times.
Also, one of my closest friends works for Childline, so if DD ever says she's going to call them, I tell her to phone E instead!

This thread has made me feel so much better.

DS1 has always been so responsible and well behaved. But this summer he is almost 11 and has developed attitude.

He hates DS2 and everything, no matter what, is his fault.

Everything is "not fair", especially the fact that I insist he comes in at a reasonable time (8.00-8.30) and don't let him play out until it gets dark.

He has developed selective hearing when asked to do chores, despite having been doing them for years.

He goes into meltdown if the clothes he wants to wear aren't in his drawer, despite the fact that he wore them yesterday and I have only just pegged them out on the line to dry.

Today he went to a swimming lesson without his swimming shorts. He had left them on the back of the sofa when he was packing his bag. Which was initially my fault, then he decided it was DS2's. But it was me who had to fork out £10 for a new pair when he realised 5 mins before his lesson (thank goodness for the shop in the leisure centre).

I keep signing him up for sports sessions. He thinks it because he loves sport and I am indulging him by paying for his interests. But really it is because it buys me 2hrs of peace and quiet to do stuff with poor DS2 and DD!

zatyaballerina Wed 31-Jul-13 17:12:22

There's only a few more years and it gets much worse, it's hormonalgrin

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 31-Jul-13 17:14:16

"I've come to the conclusion, it is an avoidance technique that distracts me from the job I want doing and draws me into a confrontation. Glad to hear it is not just us"

That is EXACTLY what it is mumofthemonsters. My DSs will say the most outrageously unfair things to get a rise out of me. Not biting (much) grin

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