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to feel hopeless and weepy after another horrid day with my daughter

(122 Posts)
wearyandweepy Mon 29-Jul-13 21:16:23

I love my daughter beyond description and feel very blessed that she is healthy and so am I. However, since she was born 13 months ago I feel like I've been waiting for her to get to the next stage and be happier but it just isn't happening.For eexample, when she was newborn she wanted to be carried 24/7 and I thought it'd get better when she could sit up. It didn't. I thought she might be more content once she started solids. She won't eat. I thought she might sleep better when a bit older. She doesn't. She is attached to me literally 24/7 all day every day. I have a constant headache from her whining. She won't eat any food despite me reducing feeds dramatically. I can't go anywhere, do anything or talk to anyone because of her constant whining. The past few weeks I've been thinking it might get better once she can walk independently but I think I'm just kidding myself. It's not as if I could even put her in nursery to get a break from her because she won't eat. I feel absolutely hopeless and dread another day of the same tomorrow. AIBU to feel miserable despite having a much wanted and loved child?

thewhitequeen Mon 29-Jul-13 21:19:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emeraldgirl1 Mon 29-Jul-13 21:22:11

Oh dear I am so sorry to hear you are having a miserable time sad
YANBU it is really tough.
My DD is only 5m and I have had a day like yours today, she is teething and I couldn't even go to the loo without her screaming the place down for me.
DH doesn't get it, he knows the days are tough but he has no idea how tough!!
I can't really offer any advice, like you I keep thinking DD will be more settled when we do this or that... However she is only 5m so not at your stage yet.
I am sure it WILL get easier, hang in there, you sound as if you are doing wonderfully xxx

McNewPants2013 Mon 29-Jul-13 21:23:33

Could you get someone to have her for a few hours to grab some rest.

HollyBerryBush Mon 29-Jul-13 21:23:37

No child starves them self .... is it the hot weather that is making her more fractious than usual?

TBH, I would put her down and just not pick her up. I would put fruit and veg chunks in a bowl and not fret over set meal times. And I would be arranging for her dad to take her for an hour of an evening whilst I went for a walk round the block. But I'm very old school.

Have you seen the HV?

Roses12s Mon 29-Jul-13 21:25:07

Hi sorry you feel so blue. I had a hard time with my first child. I was the first of my friends to have a baby, my dh worked away, I was new to the area and my family live aboard. Sometimes I wouldn't leave the house for three days. It was horrible. Please know that how your feeling is valid. You must find some help. If you can afford to put your child in nursery then do so. Don't worry that she won't eat there, it's more important that you have respite. Just knowing you have a few hours a week to yourself will help you cope with the rest so much better. Don't feel guilty ultimately it will be better for your baby.

Faithless12 Mon 29-Jul-13 21:25:43

She won't starve herself. Let someone look after her for a little while so you can get some downtime, everyone needs a little down time.

RandomMess Mon 29-Jul-13 21:25:45

sad that sounds such such such hard work and I have for dc, had three in three in years so I've had it tough at times!!!

I would honestly try taking her to cranial osteopath just to rule out that she has any headaches from pregnancy/birth. Going to work to have a break does sound like it would help you enormously!

Mitzyme Mon 29-Jul-13 21:25:59

Yanbu I had my DD sobbing down the phone this morning about her own DD. 2 1/2. Hitting, tantrums. It will get better, I keep telling her that. Unfortunately no one knows when! Sorry not much help to you.

SisterMatic Mon 29-Jul-13 21:26:24

You need a break.
Everything seems so much harder when you are immersed in it 24/7.

Take a break, do something for you, and come back to the situation feeling a bit refreshed. It really does make a difference.

Have you got anyone around you to help?

McNewPants2013 Mon 29-Jul-13 21:27:01

There is light at the end of the tunnel, dd is a crier always has been. She is now 4 and I can reason with her a bit.

I can now tell the diffrence within her crys. It also helps that she goes to school in September ( has been in public nursery for a year) she doesn't cry when in nursery so it just seems to be me.

Roses12s Mon 29-Jul-13 21:28:27

Forgot to say ds is now a well adjusted 16year old who's gone camping for a week. Packed and organised himself all I had to do was give him money. So yes things get easier. Baby steps. Each stage gets a little easier eventually.

She won't eat? Was she a windy baby? Quite unsettled?

I'm speculating but wondering if she's got silent reflux/tongue tie/food intolerances which will impact on solids and sleep...

Lonelybunny Mon 29-Jul-13 21:29:14

Mmmm sounds like my 12 mo DD. she gets to the point where I can't even unload the dishwasher/hang up washing without her holding into my legs screaming , I can't even go to the toilet alone , it is very very overpowering isbt it , and I thought she would be easier being my third abd all. I must say tho she is usually better wheb we are out and about within reason such as a soft play place or swimming , I'm sure she will grow out of it , but u may find she will always b a bit clingy. Is she breastfed ? I'm just wondering as mind is but my other 2 weren't just wondering if that was the cause ?

ACtually, assuming that you are 100% certain that there is nothing wrong with her, i think you really need to set some guidelines for yourself. If she whines, you know what? Let her whine. Don't pick her up ever time, just give her something to play with and leave her in a playpen/ travelcot or wherever, somewhere safe obviously. It's honestly ok not to make a fuss everytime they winge for something and nothing. I was a single mum for several years and my DS was a nightmare, in the end I had to accept that nothing I did was going to make him happy and so I would put him in his cot and go and listen to music in my room for 20 minutes.

KingscoteStaff Mon 29-Jul-13 21:30:28

Oh my goodness you are not being U AT ALL, that sounds more than most people could cope with.

No solids at all at 13 months seems unusual in my experience - I'm guessing that you have already asked HV and doctor for advice?

There must be someone who could give you a couple of hours break - to sleep or just do something for yourself for a bit?

Lonelybunny Mon 29-Jul-13 21:30:59

Also my DD doesn't eat a lot either , some days she will go with almost nothing , I'm so seeing if that's adding to them shinning and just being blooming miserable

MisForMumNotMaid Mon 29-Jul-13 21:32:37

YANBU. You need a sanity break. To buy time for this phase to pass. It will. I'm mum to three and I stand firmly behind the saying what ever it is its a phase.

My DS1 is autistic so I know a little about challenging behaviour, DS2 didn't sleep and just clinged onto me his early years. At 7 he's still my little monkey climbing up me like a tree for a cuddle. DD, my youngest, slept through from day one and is very laid back. This sort of reassures me that issues with DS1 and 2 weren't down to poor parenting.

You mention you can't use nursery because she won't eat. Is this a medical concern? Have nursery refused to have her? Could half days work, to buy you that little bit of sanity and getting things done time? If she didn't eat for half a day, if no medical issues exist she'd survive.

DS2 went a couple of mornings at 18months having firmly previously stated no child of mine would be sent to nursery. He absolutely thrived. So did I. By two I upped him to three full days which allowed me to work the same.

Do you have a friendly health visitor you could talk through the eating thing with?

Lonelybunny Mon 29-Jul-13 21:33:15

Whinning not shinning , I agree with the above , leave her to cry , it can be a bit distressing but u need to get things done and you do need a break. Sometimes I don't get anything done because I can't deal with the crying but we can only do so much

Carolra Mon 29-Jul-13 21:33:23

If you can afford it, I would give nursery a try... I went back to work when dd was 9mo and she wouldn't sleep during the day anywhere but on me... I was worried she wouldn't sleep at nursery but they managed to get her down most days. Kids do things at nursery that they don't do at home (like eat broccoli) and you sound like you could use a regular break. Maybe try 2 mornings a week rather than a full day so you can feed her if you're worried.

Good luck, my dd was incredibly clingy so it was hard for us both when I had to go back to work. She's 18mo now and can still be really clingy but other times yells "bye bye mummeeee" as she runs away in the park.

invicta Mon 29-Jul-13 21:33:50

I'm sorry to hear that you are finding things difficult. However, are you unconsciously encouraging her whining? Do you always give in when she whines? If so, she may have learnt that if she wants something, then all she has to do is whine. If her whining is her demanding something, then you may have to go 'cold turkey' and refuse something. She will probably scream and shout, but when she gets used to you being firm, then she will know the ground rules.

This isn't a criticism. I know I have been sucked into the demand/whine cycle in the past. It's easily done.

xylem8 Mon 29-Jul-13 21:36:19

Is she bored? I used to find mine at that age needed a change of scene and different activities to satisfy them

Twattybollocks Mon 29-Jul-13 21:36:28

Echo others, sounds like you need a break. Is she gaining weight and growing, if so, don't worry about what she will and wont eat, I have a daughter who eats like a dustbin and a son who seems to exist on fresh air. He is 9yo and today has eaten a bowl of readybrek, 2 slices of toast and half an egg, and about half a bowl of spag Bol for tea. He is a skinny little bugger but not excessively so, and is the picture of health and vitality. He has always been like this with food. I've given up worrying about it.
Do speak to your gp about it as you do sound quite down, and that old chestnut "happy mum happy baby" really is true, if you are depressed and feeling trapped and resentful (who wouldn't in the circumstances) then she is likely picking up on it and is looking for reassurance in the only way she knows how.

jenbird Mon 29-Jul-13 21:38:56

YANBU. That sounds tough. It will get easier. She will soon be able to communicate in a way other than whinging and you may start to find out what is going on. FWIW my ds2 (dc3 of 4) did not eat properly for a long time. He had quite a severe tongue tie but because he put weight on fine nothing was done about it. It didn't stop him from crying though as when he fed he took in enormous amounts of air and had terrible wind. When it came to solids it was almost as if he couldn't use his tongue at all and so therefore never bothered.. I don't think he ate solids properly until about 18 months. I would just put a variety of food items on his tray and hope he would become interested at somepoint.
I really hope things get better. Def have a chat with your HV if you haven't already.

Whereisegg Mon 29-Jul-13 21:42:42

Man oh man was I smug with my first born.
Slept through at a few weeks old, weaned beautifully, literally never naughty.
Then I had my second.
He cried and threw up for 6 months solidly.
Didn't want to be in his stroller. Or car seat. Or basket. Or cot. Or on a playmat. Or under a gym. Or in the bath. Or in a sling.
Jesus, it was honestly horrific.
He didn't sleep through until almost 18 months.

It is literally NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING YOU ARE DOING.

If you know she isn't ill, wet/dirty or starving, leave her somewhere safe and read the paper with the radio turned up.

Enlist anyone you trust for an hour here and there so you can sleep/clean/shower/cry in peace.

I would chat to mine as in a ridiculous sing-song voice as he screamed bloody murder at the kitchen door baby gate, which bizarrely seemed to help.

You are not alone x

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