WIBU, a long time ago but now I worry about it (absent father thread)

(54 Posts)

To cut a verylong story short--er--, there are bits of this that I am not proud of and don't need anyone to make me feel any more guilty than I already do. When I was young I had an affair with a married man, I knew he was married and make no excuses for myself at all. It didn't last long and we seperated. I then found out that I was pregnant (I am against abortion for ME, so it wasn't an option). I told him and he was shock. My parents threw me out and I was housed in temporary accommodation. (Not complaining, trying to give a picture). I then found out that ExP (easiest way to describe him) wife was also expecting a baby. He showed very little interest in my pregnancy. When my DS was born he came into the hospital to visit. He brought him a cuddly rabbit and a second hand car seat. He visited several times that week. When we were discharged (after a week), my DS was referred for a kidney scan at 15 do. My ExP rang to see how the scan had gone, obviously no results yet. We talked about "access" and "contact" and ExP said (something along the lines of) "I'll drop in when I can". I replied that that wasn't good enough, I wanted him to commit to seeing my DS on a regular basis, I didn't want any money off him, I could arrange for a neutral person to liase with the contact (as I guessed that ExP's wife wouldn't be happy for us to spend time together - justifiably so), I was happy for him to see DS as often as he liked but it had to be a regular commitment, several times a week, once a week/ fortnight/ month or even 2 months but if he couldn't commit to at least once every 2 months then I felt it was better if he walked away as I didn't my DS growing up not knowing where he was. We never heard from him again. My question is not about my wisdom stupidity in having the affair, but WIBU to insist that he made a commitment to seeing my DS on a regular basis? I feel like I was wrong, as I have deprived my son of his father, although my DH has been a "real father" to him all his life and adopted him as soon as he could.

Less importantly, I gave the cuddly toy rabbit to a charity (with a huge pile of other cuddly toys) and have felt guilty about it ever since, as it was the only gift he ever gave my DS.

TheYoniWayIsUp Sun 28-Jul-13 12:52:10

2rebecca, and what about the 18 year old mother who still needs time to grow up? Do you think social services would take kindly to her dumping the child but reappearing 2 years later to 'play mum'?
Shocking double standards!

OP, he sounds like a piece of scum, and I bet your son has better self esteem than the child he had with his wife. You made a god decision 20 years ago. Do not feel guilty.

Got to go to work now, thank you for all your comments. Will catch up either later or tomorrow smile

2rebecca Sun 28-Jul-13 13:08:27

That's partly my point, babies can't lose inadequate mothers but easily lose touch with inadequate fathers unless they are living with the mothers.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 28-Jul-13 16:05:07

Yes they can 2rebecca.

When the lone parent mother is inadequate the child tends to get placed elsewhere often permanently.

And society is a lot harsher on bad mothers than it is on bad fathers.

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