...to think it's not such a big deal that DH has had the snip?(193 Posts)
We've got 2 DC and are pretty confident we don't want anymore, so he's just had it done. Yet when I mention it to people (family/friends) they seem horrified. And it's not just because I am daring to discuss it!
Our reasoning follows thusly:
1) We don't want any more kids, so a long-term no-fertilisation solution is required.
2) Our choices seem to be: a) no sex ever
ugh b) condoms every time c) I stay on hormonal contraception for 15-20 years d) I get tubal ligation e) he gets the snip.
3) Of all those options, the snip seems to be the least risky and most effective.
So what's the problem with these people?!
If it upsets you too, please come and explain to me why. If you've been in my position, please tell me your best ripostes
DH says he wants to get the snip when DC2 is born next year. He will be 27. He says that even if we should split up one day, he wouldn't want anymore children.
I have never ever put these ideas into his head but I keep telling him, I'd prefer him to wait til he's 30 in case we change our mind about DC3.
My BIL wants the snip because between him and my sister, they'v had 5 kids, 3 together, they dont want anyone.
Btw, they refused to sterilise my sister because shes too young, shes 32 and done with the baby thing.
No one elses business over your own fertility, it dont effect them, so they dont need to ask about it.
Why no sympathy SquinkiesRule?
Do you not like him very much?
But hollyberrybush, surely it's a decision you make as a couple....? If I had had to have a c-section I would have had my tubes tied (and I have friends who knowing they were going to have hysterectomies have organised for this to be done at the same time a delivery)....why should the women in a relationship have to have more invasive surgery , a GA (which carries its own risks) , when for a man it is not invasive, involves just a local - yes if us painful and uncomfortable afterwards - but I am sure it is the same level of discomfort for women.
I find it strange that people feel the need to comment at all on your (or my, or anyone else's) fertility. Seriously, mind your own business. I get asked all the time if I am going to have any more children (got 5), I always say that "my husband isn't so if I do I'd better have a damn good excuse ready" I didn't want my DH to have the snip but he was adamant that he didn't want any more kids, I still struggle with that decision as he didn't listen to me and just went ahead. I had to decide whether I was prepared to stay with someone who a) didn;t want another baby (I'd have one tomorrow!) and b) was prepared to ignore what I wanted to that extent. I'll admit that it wasn't an easy decision, but it sounds like you were both happy with the decision OP, so YANBU and they are!
I think it depends how old you are - if you are in your 20s, then it's probably fairly unusual. If like us, you are approaching 40 and have four children, then it's more common among our peer group! We talked a lot before he had the snip about what would happen the relationship broke down/I died and he wanted to marry again, but he decided that 4 children is enough!!
TBH, it's not a conversation that has come up much though - it's a fairly personal choice, surely?
DH had it done a few months ago when I was pregnant with our DC5. People constantly ask us if we're 'finished now' and I find myself telling them that DH has had the snip to avoid the 'oh yes but I bet you'll have another' type comments when I tell them that our family is complete now. I kick myself every time I say it though. I wish I felt brave enough to tell them it's none of their fucking business.
The only horrified person I have encountered when DP had his vasectomy was his mother, but she thought it was the same thing as being castrated.
Sensible option for us, DP is 10 years older than me, mid 40's & under no circumstances would he want more children as feels he is too old.
I had two high risk pregnancies and was very unwell so wouldn't risk another pregnancy.
The concern for me would be if yous changed your mind (I wouldn't even entertain the 'less of a man' comment!). Dp and I would stop at 3 dc for financial reasons but I would be concerned about him getting the snip just incase one day our circumstances changed and we decided to have more.
I think it's because sorting out contraception is seen as women's business. Including by a lot of women like HollyBerryBush.
It's a couple's business. I'm glad to see that, in some countries at least, there's a better attitude about it.
But here is the thing, often couples decide for a vasectomy because the can't afford to add to their family anymore. This would certainly be the case for us after 2 DC. We'd love 3 but the funds aren't there. Now imagine, DH and I divorce and he meets someone else who would like a child with him. He'd still not be able to afford the 3rd child. There are so many threads on here where there are conflicts about money because people go on to have children in second marriages they can't afford and then the first set of children suffers.
Of course there are people with huge incomes who can afford to have 3 families but I think for the majority, this is not the case.
I do think DH will be very young to get the snip, and I would prefer him to wait a few years so we are 100% sure our family is complete but I really respect him for his attitude of saying that once he's reached the number of children he can afford, that's it.
We both knew we didn't want anymore children after DC3 so DH had the snip when our third baby was two weeks old. He says it was easy-peasy and was back to normal the following day. I had just turned 30 and he was 32.
If you're both in agreement that you don't want anymore kids I don't understand why the male partner wouldn't get a vasectomy, tbh (barring medical reasons). Surely it's the proper thing after your partner has been pregnant/given birth multiple times?
DH had a vasectomy the day before Father's Day (which worked out quite nicely as he got some lovely presents that weekend from DS and me). We both decided that we only wanted one child, are both very sure, and are in a loving, stable relationship. DS is 2, the doctors were fine about our decision. I think it makes him more of a man rather than less of one. Some people are just opinionated arseholes.
Dh has had one, I have 4 dc's - 2 by dh.
It was entirely his choice but supported by me. Neither of us wanted any more children.
Dh is very decisive though and so highly unlikely to suddenly want more dc's in the future
DH made the call to book his as a father's day present to himself.
He's anti large families, anyhow and having two boys with SN crystallised his desire to not add to the family any further, as much as mine.
He's still very much a man, btw.
DP is 10 years older than me, mid 40's & under no circumstances would he want more children as feels he is too old.
That's us, pretty much! He's just turned 40 and hates the thought of having more when he's any older. I'm 31 and would have more if we had an unlimited income and full-time free childcare available. As we don't, we have BOTH decided the best option is not to have any more.
As for the 'passing the buck' comment hollyberrybush, DH says he completely agrees with you and that's why he did it in the first place since he got sterilized, surely I don't need to go do it as well!
I know we're unusual for openly discussing these things but that is just what we're like. Ours friends/family are used to TMI and I presume we make up for it in other ways....
Worra - my dad was actually horrified, in that he looked taken aback and stammered a bit before he could reply. Ditto my friend's husband. Does that meet your stringent definition or should I consult a dictionary to make sure I'm using it right?
DH had a vasectomy 15 years ago when DS2 was a year old. We already had DS1, and he had DSS from his first marriage who we were paying maintenance for. Even if our marriage had have broken down there would have been no way he would have been able to afford to have had more children and support the 3 he already had.
I had had 2 horrific pregnancies and BF for 18 months, so we, moreso he, decided that he would have the vasectomy. I can't see what the problem is with it tbh. My dad had it done, my SIL's DH and my DSis's DH have had it done.
I just think it's weird to be horrified over something so run of the mill OP, that's all.
Ah, well in that case I agree with you Worra! I don't get their reaction at all. My dad at least has the 'old-fashioned Arabic man'
flimsy excuse but my friend's husband's response was a surprise.
DH and I have been discussing it today - we're TTC #2 and don't want a third, and he's already said he will have a vasectomy after.
He's decided he won't want any more children (after Dc2) regardless of whether I die/we divorce etc, he's 40 next year, and knows I don't want to be on hormonal contraception for the next 20 years/until menopause hits.
I've said to wait a few years, and if he changes his mind we'll figure it out, but I'm glad he's planning it already.
We have two children (twins) and have decided we don't want anymore. We've discussed the snip- DH is convinced that if we were ever to break up he wouldn't want any more children
I think twins have done him in
The way I see it is that I have had years of either the pill or implant, awful hyperemisis during pregnancy and very painful joints from carrying a twin bump
and stretchmarks , and an emergency C-section which I found very painful to recover from and lost a fair amount of blood.
I have done my bit! Seriously, I would never expect him to have anything done to his body that he wasn't happy with, but I very much think he can take responsibilty for this one.
It's not a big deal that anyone has had permanent contraception. I was sterilised age 23 at the same time as a c section. Haven't regretted it for a minute and no one has said anything either way about it.
Perhaps they were more horrified by DH's (drunken) manner of announcing, rather than the actual issue?
Permanently removing the option of fertility is a biggie for either sex, and should only be done when absolutely sure it's the right option. And although vasectomy does not breach the abdomen as a tubal ligation needs to (though I think Essure goes transvaginally?), it's still surgery with potential for side effects.
Strangely we've been discussing it too, we have 3 kids. I'm almost 40 and my husband is in his early 40s and we don't want any more children.
I haven't discussed it with anyone and no one has ever commented really on our contraception methods . I've been asked a few times if I'm "going again to try and get a boy?" I've 3 girls but a quick fuck off usually deals with that
My dad had a vasectomy
never ever go to a hen night with your Mother so I've never seen it as that big a deal.
I was sterilised this week and spent most of my appointments convincing gp's, consultants and the nurse at the pre-op that it was what we wanted to do.
But it wasn't the fact that we were making a big final decision but that it was me rather than dh having it done. Health professionals def feel that there is less risk for the men and its much easier etc.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.