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...to think it's not such a big deal that DH has had the snip?

(193 Posts)
HowlerMonkey Sat 27-Jul-13 20:28:05

We've got 2 DC and are pretty confident we don't want anymore, so he's just had it done. Yet when I mention it to people (family/friends) they seem horrified. And it's not just because I am daring to discuss it!

Our reasoning follows thusly:

1) We don't want any more kids, so a long-term no-fertilisation solution is required.
2) Our choices seem to be: a) no sex ever ugh b) condoms every time c) I stay on hormonal contraception for 15-20 years d) I get tubal ligation e) he gets the snip.
3) Of all those options, the snip seems to be the least risky and most effective.

So what's the problem with these people?!

If it upsets you too, please come and explain to me why. If you've been in my position, please tell me your best ripostes grin

meditrina Sat 27-Jul-13 20:29:59

"I'd prefer not to discuss my DH's testicles, thank you"

(How do all these people know, anyhow?)

HowlerMonkey Sat 27-Jul-13 20:37:38

He got drunk on multiple occasions and told people (i.e. all our friends) he was doing it. They looked startled!

Then a few months later my parents came up to help me look after the kids while he recovered from the op. Friends asked where he was when I went to a kid's party and I saw no reason to lie about it. One of the men (a friend's husband) made a comment about DH being less of a man now, which I thought was rather an odd remark. It was definitely earnest, not joking. My dad made similar remarks.

I just find their attitude odd. I acknowledge their right to state their opinions, but that doesn't mean I can't disagree with them!

HowlerMonkey Sat 27-Jul-13 20:37:38

He got drunk on multiple occasions and told people (i.e. all our friends) he was doing it. They looked startled!

Then a few months later my parents came up to help me look after the kids while he recovered from the op. Friends asked where he was when I went to a kid's party and I saw no reason to lie about it. One of the men (a friend's husband) made a comment about DH being less of a man now, which I thought was rather an odd remark. It was definitely earnest, not joking. My dad made similar remarks.

I just find their attitude odd. I acknowledge their right to state their opinions, but that doesn't mean I can't disagree with them!

BridgetBidet Sat 27-Jul-13 20:40:05

I worked in an Assisted Conception Unit. You would not believe the about of couples being treated there because the man had a vasectomy in a previous relationship which then broke down.

I do think it's rash to be honest. Unless you're absolutely certain that you will never want any more kids even if your relationship breaks down I think that it's a bit of a risk to take TBH. I've seen it happen with friends as well, bloke has vasectomy, relationship breaks down, wife goes on to have kids with someone else but he is severely limited in his relationship options because he's effectively infertile.

It's strange isn't it, it seems that women getting tubal ligation is far more acceptable to people than vasectomy seems to be.

A friend of mine recently underwent a vasectomy, and a few (female!) mutual friends commented to me how wrong it was of her (his partner) to 'make' him have it done, because, get this
"What if they break up and he wants to have kids with another woman. It makes more sense for her to have it done because she's had her kids." hmm

Can't get why it's anyone else's business but your own! So much weirdness around it.

2rebecca Sat 27-Jul-13 20:46:00

I agree with Bridget. Oftenthe woman is the one pressurising the man into a vasectomy because she doesn't want more kids. Fine if the bloke is sure he doesn't want more kids even if the relationship breaks down but too many blokes still have difficulty seeing their kids after separation and then can't have more kids either.
I think with the Mirena coil vasectomies should be very rarely done.
My husband had a vasectomy shortly before his first marriage broke down. He did it hoping their sex life would improve as his ex used that as an excuse. It didn't. (There were other problems as well but the very rare sex was a big problem).
I had kids already so was happy not to have more but the vasecomy a year or 2 before separation seems very common.

GoodTouchBadTouch Sat 27-Jul-13 20:46:27

I think because so many people change their minds. Also because most men are too pussy to do it.

Your DH is lovely to do it. And I think you are very sensible to avoid any accidents.

I DO think there is a 30% chance you might change your mind later though

cardibach Sat 27-Jul-13 20:47:15

Bridget wouldn't the same be true of tubal ligation in the woman, though? In fact isn't reversal of vasectomy more reliable? It is a simple operation and a healthier alternative than loads of hormonal treatment.

mamapants Sat 27-Jul-13 20:48:47

I don't think its a big deal. But when I spoke to people in work about the subject a few of the women were all 'oh I couldn't possibly make my poor DP/DH to do that' I was completely confused by the attitude.

HollyBerryBush Sat 27-Jul-13 20:52:16

Again , seen it several times where the bloke has been pressurised, the relationship breaks down and the woman goes on to havea more children with another partner.

I'll be shot down in flames but as its the woman who carries a baby and will undoubtedly pick up 18 years of child care, it is a woman responsibility for her own fertility.

We didnt want any more children. Another pregnancy would have killed me. I got sterilised. I took control of my own health. I wouldnt pass the buck and expect someone else to do it for me.

Jojay Sat 27-Jul-13 20:55:15

Are you both fairly young? Could that be why people are surprised?

DH had it done this spring. I'm 36, he's 42, we have 4 children including naturally conceived twins. ( we were planning dc3, we got dc3 and 4)

Nobody seemed surprised when we went for it!

WafflyVersatile Sat 27-Jul-13 20:57:10

Good for both of you for talking about it. the more people who do the less machismo fear of it there will be.

It totally has to be the man's decision that he does not want more kids regardless of what may happen in the future.

milbracat Sat 27-Jul-13 20:57:25

"Also because most men are too pussy to do it."

This comment needs treating with utter contempt. It is the man's body to decide on effectively irreversible and therefore entirely his choice.

Contraceptives have given women control over their fertility, why should a man be pressured to relinquish control over his?

WafflyVersatile Sat 27-Jul-13 20:57:56

An old boss of mine had it done. I think because they had 4 kids already and his wife liked babies best....

TheCrackFox Sat 27-Jul-13 20:57:58

Depends how old he is really.

revealall Sat 27-Jul-13 20:58:24

Well women will naturally loose the ability to have children.
Men can reproduce for another 20 plus years after women. So I do understand the reaction that it is a bigger deal.

I also have a friend that is with a man who had the snip after two children and the marriage broke down. It was a horrible decision for my friend as to whether she wanted the man she loved or children. She's hoping the reversal will work.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Sat 27-Jul-13 20:59:47

If he's 22 then YABU.

Jojay Sat 27-Jul-13 21:00:03

And after an emergency caesarean under GA with the twins, an episiotomy and forceps delivery with dc1 and and a horrid 2nd degree tear with dc2, I'd had enough of being messed around with - his turn!

Viviennemary Sat 27-Jul-13 21:00:05

I've seen a few people in second marriages being sad because they couldn't have a child after one partner had a vasectomy in a previous relationship. I think it is quite a big decision.

WorraLiberty Sat 27-Jul-13 21:00:12

These people are horrified about this extremely common procedure?

Do they form the local amateur dramatics society?

thebody Sat 27-Jul-13 21:01:00

hi op, we have 4 kids and are over 45.

we have tons of friends our age and all the men without exception have had the snip.

amazed its a debate to be honest.

WorraLiberty Sat 27-Jul-13 21:02:33

I don't think its a big deal. But when I spoke to people in work about the subject a few of the women were all 'oh I couldn't possibly make my poor DP/DH to do that' I was completely confused by the attitude.

You're confused as to why they wouldn't make their DP's/DH's have an operation??

mrslaughan Sat 27-Jul-13 21:03:26

I think it's a cultural thing. In NZ it's very common when your done having your family , that the DH ha the snip .... My brothers did, and DH organised it without me asking.
But here people are very touchy about the subject and amazed he's had it done. I have only mentioned it once, amongst pretty good friends everyone had had a little to drink and someone made a comment about contraception..... I said we had no need to worry as we had it covered.... Tbh I thought the reaction weird, far more intimate stuff had been alluded too...... But obviously people here (sorry huge generalistion) can't cope, which I find strange......they would happily talk about other forms of contraception, but a mans testicles are sacred?!

Silly people. Don't listen to them.
You push a melon sized head out your fanjo, the least he can do is have his balls shaved and get the snip.
Dh got it when ours was 6 weeks old, I'd had two c-sections, and didn't want to go there again. He got no sympathy from me sitting watching TV with a bag of frozen peas on his manhood. I was still recovering myself.

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