to think my dad shouldn't have done this (I don't know how cross to be!)

(199 Posts)
MorganMummy Sat 27-Jul-13 03:24:39

I'm genuinely not sure how cross I should be.

My dad has a convertible and my DS (2.7)loves cars. We were getting ready to go swimming when staying at my parents' a few days ago, and my dad took DS outside to sit in the car (which was on the drive),which he's done once or twice before. When I came out the car was in the garage and my dad told me he'd driven the car into the garage with DS in the passenger seat - no seatbelt, and obviously no child seat so even a seat belt not very helpful.

I was quite angry as I said even though it is a tiny tiny chance, what if my dad had a heart attack and car lurched forwards (or similar). It was literally a case of driving 10 metres or so on a sloping driveway, so I know the chance of danger was infinitesimal. However, I also believe in avoiding easily avoidable hazards. My dad clearly didn't think I would mind and wasn't secretive about it.

I told my dad he needed to promise me never to do that again. He didn't take me seriously and tried to make a fake jokey promise but I made him do a proper promise. Then I dropped the issue as we were all going out and I didn't want to have a big discussion.

I can't discuss with my DH as he would be furious and I don't want to put his relationship with his PIL under strain. But I know my dad and my mum think I was being OTT and as I've thought about it more I really don't know? Am I being PFB (I know I can be) or is it a generational thing but reasonable of me?

Mouthfulofquiz Tue 30-Jul-13 06:04:37

YABU

everlong Tue 30-Jul-13 02:18:28

There's some worrying stuff on here.

mathanxiety Tue 30-Jul-13 01:56:26

Her word -- her words -- were what I was going on. The words she said before anyone started noticing what she was saying. I noted her discomfort and effort to smooth it all away too.

I wouldn't have been comfortable talking about exH's temper about 18 years ago but it didn't go away and trying to keep him sweet turned out a fool's errand.

But heyho.

ilovesooty Tue 30-Jul-13 01:14:44

I am taking your word for what your H is like

It doesn't look like it from what I'm reading. The OP has said she's uncomfortable with what you're saying.

Cheeseatmidnight Tue 30-Jul-13 01:13:15

Don't you push the buggy faster than this in main roads!?!

mathanxiety Tue 30-Jul-13 01:05:16

This man would be furious if told some things.
Therefore he can't be told.
When he gets furious he seethes but people have to guess what he is mad about.

These are three things the OP told us about this man herself.

Either she means something completely different from the standard meaning by the words she uses or she simply doesn't want to discuss what a 'difficult' man her H is. Her choice of course, but this man doesn't sound too easygoing to me.

I don't think what she describes is reasonable. What she has described is walking on eggshells. She doesn't tell him things in order to control his mood. When people do that there is tension and anxiety. My guess is she went ott at her DF so that he wouldn't do anything like what he did ever again and so she wouldn't have to explain it to her lovely, gentle DH.

It is worth mentioning that someone who is abusive often tries to create a wedge between a spouse and his or her natural allies such as family members. If a DH can't be told things about what a FIL has done for fear of fury/sulking/seething then the daughter/wife sort of has to choose between her family and the DH.

Reference to the OED was flippant btw.

Goldmandra Mon 29-Jul-13 14:25:05

Gosh. I don't think there's anything about checking the OED definition before using a word, is there?

I completely get being furious but having to seethe instead of saying anything. My DM doles out hellfire and damnation to anyone who crosses her so I learned to seethe quietly very early on. It is most definitely not being passive aggressive.

I get what the OP means. He DH would be angry with her DF but it wouldn't be appropriate for him to raise the issue himself. She doesn't want to put a strain on the relationship between them. That's reasonable.

SarahStrattonIsBackForJustABit Mon 29-Jul-13 14:02:04

Not all of us are very good at expressing ourselves, it depends how you've been brought up. There is absolutely no way I could challenge anyone in my family, or tell them I'm upset, so I would quietly seethe. It's not passive aggressive, it's simply that not all of us are able to do so.

mathanxiety Mon 29-Jul-13 13:52:00

And it inhibits your nearest and dearest from telling you things because the quiet seething always carries with it the promise of less quiet fury.

mathanxiety Mon 29-Jul-13 13:50:55

It's passive aggressive. You sit there quietly grinding your teeth or tightening your jaw and throwing dirty looks at people, and they have to guess what they've done wrong.

Quiet seething is what makes others walk around on eggshells.

SarahStrattonIsBackForJustABit Mon 29-Jul-13 01:46:32

You can be furious about something, and quietly seethe. That's how I read it, that the OP's DH would be furious, but wouldn't say anything, just seethe quietly to himself, and the PILs would pick up on that.

mathanxiety Mon 29-Jul-13 01:36:52

I can't discuss with my DH as he would be furious and I don't want to put his relationship with his PIL under strain.

...
DH is absolutely gentle and lovely and his being furious would if anything result in a shortness with my parents next time he saw them that they would probably pick up on and be upset by.

...

Thank you for your reassurance, but 'furious' has a specific meaning in English, as does the suggestion that this incident would put his relationship with the PILS 'under strain', and 'being short' with people but not letting them know directly what he was angry about (so they would pick up on it but not be told directly) also describes specific scenarios that are a far cry from being gentle, nice, etc. Not being able to discuss something with a DH who would be furious if her knew means something specific too. What it doesn't mean is 'gentle and lovely'.

If none of this means what it looks like it means in English then I am a bit puzzled as to your choice of words.

I am taking your word for what your H is like. Trouble is your word apparently doesn't mean what is means in the OEDictionary.

MissStrawberry Sun 28-Jul-13 17:37:55

It looked like he was showing off but the kid nearly fell out shock.

He also liked to roar around with a kid on the back of his bike - no helmet.

He now has a much younger girlfriend and roars off in his jag at 3am. Maybe showing off to her? Next time he will feel the force of my yelling at him. It is bad enough when he revs the engine in the day for 15 minutes but at 3 in the fucking morning I was not impressed. He drives like a twat, really really fast and we live on a close so it is only a matter of time before he crashes the damn thing.

AgentZigzag Sun 28-Jul-13 16:57:46

Have to ask MissS, why in the boot??

MissStrawberry Sun 28-Jul-13 16:33:06

YANBU but then I am obsessed with car seat safety tbh.

Let it go for now. Hopefully you have made your point but if he does anything like it again then you should go mad.

I am still shock that my neighbour drove down the road with his child in the boot.

Pagwatch Sun 28-Jul-13 16:13:45

grin

yabyum Sun 28-Jul-13 16:12:41

I'm still laughing at 'Ford Zeffa'.

SarahStrattonIsBackForJustABit Sun 28-Jul-13 16:09:25

grin

I'd forgotten about that.

<whispers>

Actually, LittleDog isn't a dog at all, he's a dooman.

<shuffles off, embarrassed>

Pagwatch Sun 28-Jul-13 16:06:52

It is. It really is.

I wouldn't have pulled a plastic bag out of the arse of any of my children. They would have been on their own.

SarahStrattonIsBackForJustABit Sun 28-Jul-13 16:04:15

Not at all, Pag dulling, I totally understand. It's a heavy burden of responsibility, having Beloved Dogs. smile

valiumredhead Sun 28-Jul-13 16:00:40

Yabu grin

Pagwatch Sun 28-Jul-13 16:00:04

It affects the weight of my understanding that I can't do italics, doesn't it?

Pagwatch Sun 28-Jul-13 15:59:00

I do <nods furiously >

I have spent months saying to builders 'I know you are worried that I have locked the front gates and you can't get out but if several doors were all inadvertently left open at the same time and PenisDog suddenly woke up and had an urgent desire to run, he could run on to the street and be crushed by a bus.^it could happen^ no, I am not batty.'

SarahStrattonIsBackForJustABit Sun 28-Jul-13 15:54:13

You understand, don't you Pag? Please tell me you do. Lie if necessary.

Pagwatch Sun 28-Jul-13 15:46:21

<pats Sarah in comforting doggyesque manner>>

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