To not want to see or speak to my Dad again?

(88 Posts)
WonderBarbara Fri 26-Jul-13 19:06:19

Once again, as per usual, a visit to my parents house has ended up in a huge row, my kids upset and me fuming beyond belief.
All had been going ok until lunchtime, when my complete insensitive cock of a dad, served up sausage and mash, to my Dcs, with complete knowledge that they do not eat pork, since DH is Muslim and we are bringing our children up (loosely) in the faith. Naturally this pissed me off, but I just took the sausages from their plate and calmly reminded my parents they don't eat pork. My Dad then started going on that there was nothing else and he wasn't going to cook them anything else. I said, that's absolutely fine, it won't do them any harm to have just mash and beans, they don't need meat. Dad went on that mash and beans wasn't a proper meal and they needed a meat. I told him that was rubbish, and they would be fine.
Cue then the age old arguement that practically ensues every time we go around (and the reason why we don't visit very often) right in front of the Dcs. Of course I can't write all down here, but to summarise, dad trumped his favourite line about how it's not fair that they can't eat pork because of DH, and it's not fair that we haven't let them choose for themselves, and that my dc are deprived of a normal life because I am letting DH rule over us and its not fair that "his side" always gets priority.
I told him that when the do are old enough to choses for themselves then that's fine, but for now out of respect to DH we are a pork free family and I would appreciate if he did not speak that way in front of the Dcs, while they were eating.
Dad then took some sausage and said to dd1 (7) "you want to try some don't you, you want to see whats it like?" To which dd replied no. He then started having a go at dd1 saying do you know why you can't eat it? You don't even understand why you can't eat normally do you? it's just sausage silly girl it won't kill you. Just taste it" and tried to force it to her mouth. She looked petrified.
At this point I lost it. i said to my mum are you gonna let him torment my daughter like that? As per usual my mum said she wasn't getting involved (she never does) and I told my Dad to get the hell away from my Dcs. He went on about the dc have to Learn when in Rome to live like the Romans and at our house they will eat what they are given. I told him that won't be a problem because we won't be back. We then left. When I got in the car, dd1 told me that when I was looking for ds's shoes, my Dad had given dd2(2) some of the sausage in her mouth.

I actually feel sick, i want to just burst into tears but I hate the DC seeing me upset. Me and Dad have never had a great relationship tbh since my teens. he has never really supported my marriage, always makes a huge effort with and clearly favours my Dsis's DH, and always makes snide comments about our parenting. He spent the first two years of DD1s life calling her by her middle name because he couldn't accept that we had given her an Arabic first name.

The only good thing I can say about him is that he is usually very good to my DCs, and he was good to us when we were young.

Anyway, I now have just been comforting DD1, who was went into her bedroom and cried as soon as we got in because "we are never going to see gran and grampy again", and she has asked me why we are always arguing, I don't know how to explain it to her.

I know it's probably extreme to ban the Dcs from seeing their grandparents, but I actually can't face speaking to my Dad again, until he gives a damn good apology, but I have never heard him apologise in his life.

So, for those of you who have had the perseverance to read to the end, AIBU?

Allthingspretty Fri 26-Jul-13 19:10:45

It just seems that your dad is struggling to understand that yoy have grown up and make your own decisions. YNBU to expect him to respect your choices OP.

petuniapickletits Fri 26-Jul-13 19:11:27

He forced pork into her mouth when you left the room?

yanbu- I'd be livid too.

DrSeuss Fri 26-Jul-13 19:13:57

I would limit contact. Tell them you will entertain them in your home, on your terms. You are not in the wrong, they are. Calmly hand them their bat and ball and invite them to take them home.

Twirlyhot Fri 26-Jul-13 19:16:34

He sounds like an arse. He chose to start this by deliberately cooking what he knew they couldn't eat, then wouldn't accept it when you removed the food and said they'd be fine with the rest and force fed your child something you specifically told him not to.

I wouldn't be seeing him for a long time.

harrietspy Fri 26-Jul-13 19:16:50

Yanbu.

His behaviour is appalling. I don't blame you for not wanting to see him again. I echo what DrSeuss says - he can see the dc in your home, on your terms.

Firstly, YANBU at all! Read it, and let it sink in. YANBU!
In your shoes, I would refuse to take my DCs to my parents house and only allow them to visit at your house. (If you are happy with that arrangement)
Next i would ONLY serve vegetarian food when your DPs come, after "when you are in Rome...." wink

Just to repeat - YANBU!

There is no way I would take the children back there until he has apologised, and shown clearly that he respects you and your beliefs. His behaviour was abominable and abusive.

When I have guests in my house, my aim is to make them comfortable and to ensure they have a good time. My dmum has a tiny appetite, whilst we have quite big appetites. Under your dad's 'when in Rome' guidelines, I should stand over her and force feed her until she has eaten as much as we do - but that would be rude and unkind of me, so I restrain myself because I am not a knob.

BendyBusBuggy Fri 26-Jul-13 19:18:42

He has to respect your choices, they are your children not his. How does your DH deal with this? It must be very hard for him

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 26-Jul-13 19:25:09

Yanbu your dad has behaved very badly and you mother has colluded with him.

MagicHouse Fri 26-Jul-13 19:25:20

I think it's really difficult, because your children obviously want to see you parents. But ultimately he is blatantly showing you and your dh no respect whatsoever, in front of your children. The way he is talking about your dh's/ your family's culture is offensive and the way he treated your children with the meal was unacceptable. So I would be waiting for that apology too. I would play it down with your children and say that he was rude at the mealtime, so you're not seeing him for a while.
Have you ever sat down and talked this through with your dad? Has he heard it from you clearly that you want him to stop disrespecting the muslim faith in front of your children, and that if he has anything to say they should never be brought into it, especially in the disgusting way he did it, over the meal time?

RussianBlu Fri 26-Jul-13 19:26:36

Your dad cant bear that fact that you aren't doing things his way, the English way, the right way. You've gone all foreign on him and now your children are being brought up like foreigners instead of like they should be, the English way. I'm sad for you. Some people cant accept that we don't all live the same way. I would also be tempted to limit contact, at least for some time due to all the stress being caused. Such a shame.

AnneNonimous Fri 26-Jul-13 19:27:15

YANBU at all.

That is an awful way to behave towards anybody let alone a child. Was he unhappy about you marrying a Muslim?

I'd say (if you want to maintain contact at all) definitely only see him at yours and on your terms if he can behave.

Hope your dc are ok

NatashaBee Fri 26-Jul-13 19:28:16

YANBU. I wouldn't be going anywhere near them until he'd apologized. If your children are really upset about no contact then I guess I would let them phone or Skype, with a pre-warning to your dad that if he discusses anything inappropriate the call will end.

Hissy Fri 26-Jul-13 19:36:25

I'd not see him again.

Don't see him until he apologises.

My crappy parents respected the fact that DS and I didn't eat pork for thé same reason. Beef sausages are tastier tbh, and my mum used to buy them.

This is about your DF, his bigotry and lack of respect, contempt actually, for you.

Don't expose those you love to him. Not until he learns to treat you properly.

His choice.

yegodsandlittlefishes Fri 26-Jul-13 19:55:06

YANBU, he is totally out of order in general terms regarding his attitude to Muslim people, but to treat you like that too, to disregard your life choices, and to set up and plan a situation like that is disgusting, You are rightfully angry.

It's ironic that your dad accuses you of 'letting DH rule over' you and then he goes on to try to force feed your DC, he can't see that one is right (your own choice) and one is wrong (his forcing his will on someone else). Perhaps your Mum can help him see things differently.

I doubt if you would get an apology out of him, but I would not meet up for a meal time at their's again.

Speaking from experience though, no matter how you try to cut a parent out of your life, they are still in your head, and your children grow up wondering 'why'....So I'd back off from seeing them for a few weeks, but think about meeting up on neutral territory, where food isn't involved. Maybe a walk or trip to a big park or a traditional English pastime that grandparents enjoy with their grandchildren - feeding the ducks?

Then later on, if you are able to, invite them around (after Eid, obviously) and have the sort of heated up, ready-made 'English' food that you all can eat in common, to demonstrate that he doesn't have to go out of his way at mealtimes and there was no need to make a family occasion into such a conflict.

MammaTJ Fri 26-Jul-13 20:00:55

YANBU!! I would go mad. It is worse than 'Hamwidgegate'.

I do not have any things I don't allow my DC to eat but I am damn sure if anyone was visiting I would stick to their rules. Vegetarians get meat free, people who do not eat pork do not get pork!

As for your DC not having the choice, well, them's the breaks. Children do have to follow their parents rules until they gain autonomy. When they are out and about with friends as teens they may or may not make different decisions. That is their choice. It is not for your Dad to force his decisions on them. Him forcing them to eat pork (or trying to) is worse than you not allowing it.

PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty Fri 26-Jul-13 20:05:16

Im horrified for you. How awful. You are 10000000% NBU!

SirBoobAlot Fri 26-Jul-13 20:05:30

Jesus what a complete prick angry

No, YANBU. AT all.

Trifle Fri 26-Jul-13 20:07:55

But they're not your beliefs though are they.

If your husband was a vegetarian would you all refuse to eat meat 'out of respect'.

You say you are bringing them up 'loosely' in the Muslim faith. It must be extremely confusing for everyone if you say allow them haribo sweets but not pork sausages. Do you/will they wear a burka, read the koran, be withdrawn from nativity plays etc or is that acceptable under you being 'loosely' Muslim.

I'm not surprised your dad is confused and from the sound of it your mum doesn't particularly support your decision either.

FacebookWanker Fri 26-Jul-13 20:10:43

I don't think it matters how confused your dad is/isn't. He just needs to respect your wishes.

inkonapin Fri 26-Jul-13 20:21:56

Not every Muslim wears a burka, you know, Trifle confused and where do Haribo sweets come into it? Is saying "we don't eat pork" really so confusing?

Neitheronethingortheother Fri 26-Jul-13 20:23:36

Wow that is terrible. Myself and dh converted to a very different faith to the one we were raised in and all my family accept that we don't drink tea or coffee and would never offer never mind force it on them. I think what your dad did was shocking. He obviously thinks his way is the only way. What does your dh think? Does your dad have any reason to be anti your religion or anti your dh or is it just ignorance and prejudice?

DanceLikeJohnTravoltaNow Fri 26-Jul-13 20:26:54

It sounds like your dad wants you to dance to his tune instead of your husband 'ruling over you' as he says, but he doesn't see how hypocritical he's being.

YANBU to cool off your visits for a while and see if he apologises.

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