to be fed up with this and to have really lost respect for dh.

(80 Posts)
martini84 Thu 25-Jul-13 08:48:50

I posted on here before re dh for shouting at the dc for no not putting rubish in bin etc etc.
We had a gentle discussion about this which didn't go brilliantly but I thought at least its out in the open.
However, nothing has changed.
Every night he leave a mug or glass where sits. I have to move these as we have an exploring baby. One night he left his tablets within baby's reach.
If he has a beer he leave empty bottle, lid and bottle opener on the side.
Whenever he does a diy he leave drill, socket sets etc wherever he was doing job.
I can clean the whole kitchin and within minutes he will cut a pizza or bread and create more crumbs.
Clothes get thrown on floor after wear. I ignore ones in our bedroom but I am now finding socks etc all over the house.
I am so fed up.
Aibu to ask how on earth can I get him to clean up after himself.
I largely sahm so do the housework but this is just making life impossible and I am feeling resentful.

MrsKoala Fri 26-Jul-13 05:35:30

Sadly no space for him to have his own corner of crap. Altho it if he did and i did that, it would mean all the plates, cups and glasses would disappear and he would just wear dirty clothes. So not so great for me really.

WaitingForMe Fri 26-Jul-13 05:36:23

I once read on MN that if someone didn't lose his temper at work then it was an entitled abusive arse issue not an anger issue.

I decided to see whether DH (then DP) cared about being slovenly at work so I told him all rubbish and abandoned socks would go into his briefcase.

I have never lied to the man yet he was surprised to find apple cores and socks spilling out at a meeting. He had to explain why that was.

He got a lot better grin

devilcakes Fri 26-Jul-13 08:32:52

Ltb-leave the bastard bob

Whothefuckfarted Fri 26-Jul-13 08:49:45

Someones Mummy didn't teach him how to clean up after himself. Now it's your job! Everything he leaves lying about put in a place that's his, that he needs to use a lot (his side of the bed/office)

Didactylos Fri 26-Jul-13 08:49:48

the other thing is modelling for kids, because if this is what they see him doing and getting away with theyll do the same thing when they are older and you will end up cleaning up after everybody.
and this behaviour and mess will probably drive him mad too when it happens
could you frame the argument that way

Didactylos Fri 26-Jul-13 08:53:16

goodness, went back to your post there and hes already shouting at them - for similar things eg not putting stuff in the bin

? would it be worth a try to get all the untidy kids in the house (kids and DP together and work out some ground rules, make it a universal problem and therefore responsibility

Almostfifty Fri 26-Jul-13 08:58:51

Put it all on his side of the bed. It works.

ernesttheBavarian Fri 26-Jul-13 09:04:24

I have this situation. My dh is exactly the same. unfortunately so are my 4 dc. I cannot keep on top of it. I cannot battle against 5 people. we talk, distribute jobs etc, but it never changes.

I am stressed and depressed by my house. I start work again (after 14 years as SAHM) in a few weeks. Dunno if it will make any difference. Dh wants me to get a cleaner. But frankly the house is way too messy for a cleaner. I tell him that we have to get tidy first but he says getting a cleaner will make us tidy. sigh.

S op I know exactly how you feel. but no magic solutions. but if you dont fix it it will get worse as the kids get older, I find sweet wrappers on the floor, pants on the table, wet towels on the stairs... And that was just last night. sad

diddl Fri 26-Jul-13 09:20:49

Jeez-have these men no respect for you or themselves?

Dirty clothes, wet towels-on the floor?

What do they expect to happen to these things?

I do housework.

Not picking up after lazy arses.

Beastofburden Fri 26-Jul-13 10:24:04

ernest- get a cleaner. it might shame them into doing something and even if it doesn't, its one less job for you.

DC may get better once they are of an age to bring back GF/BF or even older friends. Once they get embarrassed at the state of your house cf their friends' houses you are nearly there. As in, "X is coming round this evening, do you really want him to see the room like this? and btw your bedroom smells."

IJustWoreMyTrenchcoat Fri 26-Jul-13 10:35:13

I have sympathy for you. It is so hard not to be resentful. My boyfriend is the same and it is beyond frustrating. It is really stupid, it means nothng to him it is just laziness but it really does feel like a lack of respect for me and our home.

He just doesn't seem to care, drops socks, boxers and towels wherever he is, leaves plates and cups lying around and is seemingly incapable of taking his cup or glass through to the kitchen and using it again. I find the dirty dishes just left, not even rinsed or put with bits of food/sauce on them in a washing up bowl full of water hardest to deal with.

I know he works hard, but so do I! I am embarrassed when somebody visits so end up whipping around like crazy moving it all. Apparently I will have more time to clean when I am on Maternity Leave hmm

MrsKoala Fri 26-Jul-13 14:28:04

Earnest - We got a cleaner for a while which was nice after she came for a day or 2. But it meant i would spend 3 hours the night before she was due in a state running round tidying up. She would also keep asking where she should put stuff as she found it difficult to clean around the clutter. The house didn't help either - tiny with no storage.

Diddl - What do they expect to happen to these things?

Well in my DH's case nothing. He is quite happy using the wet towel from the floor (in fact he cannot feel or smell the difference between a damp towel which has been left on the floor for days and a fluffy dry clean one and thinks i'm making it up that other people can confused ). When i met him he ate out every night and if there were no clean dishes or dinner he would quite happily do that again - but we'd be broke. He can actually get a bit annoyed sometimes if i retrieve a stinking item of clothing off the floor and wash it. Asking 'what have you done with x? i was going to wear that today' Erm, not going out with me you weren't! It's not a case of expecting anyone else to pick it up, just a case of being happy with it on the floor.

kerala Fri 26-Jul-13 14:37:18

To counter balance my dh is fab I am the one who gets told off for messing up his shed....

ernesttheBavarian Fri 26-Jul-13 15:18:20

Ah yes. We have had a cleaner in the past. She left. The kids and dh weren't shamed into anything. But I was a stressed out nervous reck before every visit. And ashamed after.

It was honestly so stressful.

Again now, 3 kids shoes and 3 kids bags in the hallway. Right next to the shoe cupboard and bag cupboard in the hallway. I dream of the day when I can open the front door without dreading someone walking past and seeing in. So now I have a bee in my bonnet about the shoes and bags. They still leave them out. But every time now I call them back to sort it. Sometimes I have to call several times. So I am just naggy moany mum. They eventually put them away. But only after they have been told.

They will help with tidying up. But they argue and fight so much about it in the mean time that by the time it's done everyone is furious with each other. And in 2 seconds it's a tip again anyway.

grrr

Dahlen Fri 26-Jul-13 15:40:20

I think you need to read a copy of Wifework and then have a chat with your DH. It will help explain what you mean in a why that he'll find harder to brush off (unless he's an entitled chauvinist).

I think the debate about picking up after someone depends on two things: the level of picking up required, and how equally balanced it is. For example, if you can't leave a book you were reading lying around, or an empty cup you've just had a drink from without someone screeching at you about cluttering up the place that's unreasonable. However, if one person is always leaving empty cups/plates lying around and the other person always has to clear them away, that's equally unreasonable. If both people leave the odd thing lying around and equally take turns to pick up after each other, that's the ideal compromise. (As an aside, approach to 'mess' is one of those things that it's a really good idea to be on the same page about with a partner before moving in.)

The cutting up a pizza example given in the OP, plus the leaving of wet towels and dirty clothing is just laziness. I wouldn't tolerate that for a minute.

The other thing to think of here is that there are children involved. If they grow up believing they don't have to put anything away or pick up after themselves because good old mum will do it the place will be unliveable in by the time they're teens and their future partners probably won't be too impressed either. Good parenting starts by example and the father isn't setting a good one.

valiumredhead Fri 26-Jul-13 15:44:19

Big box-scoop everything in and dunno it on his side of the bed.

Dahlen Fri 26-Jul-13 15:44:39

MrsKoala - I think you should let your DH wear his stinky dirty clothing. I suspect a few negative reactions from people will soon sort out his sense of smell. wink

What gets me is that how do these men expect to get laid? Having to wash someones skidmarked undies that have been left on the bedroom floor, or their smelly socks deposited by the sofa, or cleaning up their messy attempts at making a sandwich or cutting a pizza would make most people feel like they're looking after a child. That's not great if you want someone to view you as a sexbomb.

Almostfifty Fri 26-Jul-13 17:35:14

ernest

Keep calling them down. Every single time. I just shout them to come down to me in the hall and tell them to sort out their stuff immediately. Yes, they roll their eyes, but they do it. If you don't know whose mess it is, make them all come down and share it out. It'll mean they'll notice who drops it and it'll stop.

Mine didn't get pocket money till their rooms were clean, either.

You must get your DH on board, even if it's only with the children.

Honestly, keep at it. Over and over during the holidays, it works.

MrsKoala Fri 26-Jul-13 17:45:45

Dahlen - Sadly it doesn't affect him at all. He is utterly oblivious. All his mates say to his face he lives like a pig etc. My mum mentions it and he just shrugs and thinks everyone has OCD confused . TBF when i met him he was like this and i had to go to the shop and buy cleaning stuff and clean his bathroom before i would have a bath. I don't think he's that bothered about sex enough to change. He's very much take it or leave it in that dept too. So I have no carrot to dangle for him.

And to people who say to me 'i would just tell him he has to do it' i always laugh. People can say no, and he does. If i say you have to do x he just laughs and says no. There is no progression from there really is there?

MrsK

Fine he doesn't want to do it then don't do it for him. Don't wash his clothes; only wash plates for yourself he can eat off a dirty plate or not eat at all; tell him you will assume anything of his he leaves on the floor is rubbish and bin it.

TigerSwallowTail Fri 26-Jul-13 17:58:57

Dp is like this, but we've just had another baby so I'm already kept run off my feet without having to clear all his mess too. I kept asking him to help me out by clearing his mess away which he never done so eventually I stopped doing all his washing and told him this was his way of helping me out. He lasted 2 weeks with hardly any clothes before apologising profusely for not doing more and now he picks up after himself.

MrsKoala Fri 26-Jul-13 18:04:25

I may as well just file for divorce then Chaz! If i threw his stuff away he would go mad. If i don't cook he goes out and spends ££s every day on food and we have no money. So it's me do it or leave really. Which is why i don't go out to work.

MrsK

What are you actually getting out of the relationship that makes his behaviour worth putting up with?

All partners irritate each other a bit with silly habits e.g. DH leaves apple cores on the floor in the evening and forgets to throw them away before he goes to bed and have a habit of tucking a tissue under the pillow in case I need it and then forgetting its there blush. But neither of these are at a level where they make the other persons life a misery; where they make someone else feel uncomfortable in their own home.

MrsKoala Fri 26-Jul-13 19:48:12

Chaz - i live in a nice city and don't have to go to work. I've told him there has to be a pay off. I do love him. I actually suspect he has aspergers. He literally cannot do this stuff. He gets very frustrated and doesn't 'get' a lot of things.

FadedSapphire Fri 26-Jul-13 20:02:59

Snap Mrskoala...
Gets me down though.

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