More of a WWYD really - nephew and Facebook

[FairhairedAndFrustrated]

Hi, am after a bit of advice, have found my 12 year old nephew by accident on Facebook.

No big deal in general, am friends with most of my nieces & nephews (older) who have accounts.

The problem is that my sister (his mum) doesn't know about it & actually doesn't 'allow' him to have it.

He has had his mobile removed for misuse & sending dodgy images to friends (not porn, think borat type stuff) & my sister was called into school over it. He later got a mini iPad for his birthday & the account on fb says it was opened the same month as his birthday.

As I say, I liked a page of a local restaurant & it popped up names of people who liked it too, there was nephew, bold as you like, no privacy settings etc so I could easily look at pix of his baby sisters. (he's the eldest)

Thing is, it seems boys in his school who aren't friends are commenting on his teeth/hair/weight etc... He hasn't his privacy settings done so they can basically do what they want. (thinking about this, it must be pics he's tagged in, school team pics etc)

What do I do? I know my sister doesn't want him on fb, she is very protective of him in general, no sleep overs, trips etc..

I was thinking of messaging nephew on fb & telling him to change his privacy settings, otherwise he's going to get in bother. Do I mention it to my sister (who has just had another baby & life @ home is pretty tough but that's a whole other thread.)

I text another of my sisters who hasn't hot back to me yet. The timings of his posts are all after 1am when I assume his parents are asleep.

[MalcolmTuckersMum]

Unless I've missed something I cannot begin to imagine why you wouldn't tell his Mum? That's what I would do anyway.

[MalcolmTuckersMum]

Oh - ok - she's not having a good time (Sorry, did miss that bit) - well - in that case I'd probably report the account to Facebook. They'll take it down because he's underage.

[attheendoftheday]

I think you should tell your sister. It's not unreasonable for her to decide when or if he's allowed on facebook.

[AViewFromTheFridge]

I would forget you've ever seen it. Or at least, if you say something to him, do it in person so there's no electronic trail.

If your sister is that protective and she finds out you knew, she'll feel really betrayed.

A separate issue is the name-calling. Are they doing it to all the lads (I.e. "banter"), or does he seem to be being singled out?

I really don't know what you should do, sorry! I've got a year 7 form and the way they use Facebook scares me, frankly.

[littlewhitebag]

I would tell his mum. She may not be having a great time right now but she still needs to know.

[CSIJanner]

Report the account to FB - you don't upset your sister, her wishes as the parent are upheld for her son (a minor) and next year, he can rejoin and you can show him how to lock his account down.

Oh - and by reporting, he won't know it was you!

[mrsravelstein]

ds1 is 12, and doesn't have a FB account. i would want to be told if it turned out he had set one up against my wishes and was posting public pictures of our home and family on it. definitely tell the mum and report to FB too.

[Finola1step]

Tell your sister. He's actually too young to have a fb account. Your sister needs to know that he is accessing the internet in the early hours which she probably has no knowledge of. Just tell her and let her deal with it - that's her job.

[CSIJanner]

Actually, I missed the bit lout about public pictures of his siblings. Does he also have anything on there where his area could be identified? I've done work with CEOP - this is a no no and his mum would need to be told.

[thismousebites]

I would PM him and ask him about the remarks from other kids, as it could be cyber bullying. If not and just general banter then advise him to close the account.
I know a lot of my DS's friends are on FB and it seems like the "in" thing atm to be on it, so he probably just wants to copy his mates.
How would your sister react if you told her?
Also, being on it after 1am is not good

[FairhairedAndFrustrated]

Yes, I'll report it! Why didn't I think of that!! Can I do that on iPod or will I need to log on laptop?

Re: name calling, it's cruel taunts, nephew had accident last yr & knocked a tooth out - they're calling him on his teeth, taunting him for his hair (telling him to get it cut) calling him a freak for having his baby sisters pic on there.

Thing is, my sister really trusted him when she bought the iPad, she scraped & saved for it. Last night when we were talking she said her H had told son he was using a lot of broadband & she was upset with her H, said what was point of ds having the item if he couldn't play games, use google etc.. The iPad was given 6 months after the phone confiscation, but it seems he didn't learn a thing :(

[SoupDragon]

If you report it he will just set up another one which you may not find.

Is it better to monitor it without him knowing and keep an eye on things?

[SoupDragon]

The bullying is a slightly separate issue I think - the taunts etc would be happening if he didn't have FB.

[emsiewill]

I think if it was me, I would go down the route of messaging him & telling him to change his privacy settings, also perhaps (innocently) feigning surprise at his mum letting him set up an account. Perhaps tell him that you want him to add you as a friend & let him know that if you see anything "untoward" you will have to bring it up with his mum.

I had a (sort of) similar situation with my niece, who had been moaning about my brother not buying her a new phone & using some vile language. I don't really like to be a "grass", so made a comment saying how shocked I was and what a spoilt brat she sounded. My brother did find out, but I was happier that it wasn't me who had dropped her in it.

[FairhairedAndFrustrated]

Yes, he has the name of the village where they live. I know I'd want to know if it were me.

In fact I just searched for my own 11 year old to make sure she wasn't on there!!

Dh says I should just report the page & not tell my sister. I don't know why I feel so torn, if it were me I'd like to be told!

[CSIJanner]

Tell her. His dad has noticed the BB usage going up and they won't be pleased if they find up out he posted pics of his siblings without privacy settings. Unless
A) they confiscate the iPad and
B) they ban FB from the firewall or router (it can be done!),
he'll just open a new one.

If you tell her, they can talk to him about the bullying, speak about putting information online and help him with the other kids.

[Kiwiinkits]

Tell your sister. Her kid. Her job.

[FairhairedAndFrustrated]

I don't know how he would react if I requested him as a friend, but I see he has added our cousins son. That cousin us very close to my sister so I'm very surprised she hasn't told her.

Sis definitely doesn't know, it's ironic we had this conversation very recently!

[WeAreEternal]

I would report the account as DN is too young to have a FB anyway.

I would then tell DSIS.
I would take screenshots of the page and show them to her.

Looking at it from her POV, as a mother of a DS (he is only 6 ATM) I would want to know if DS had gone against my wishes and opened a FB account.
I would also want to know if he was being bullied using it.

I would then advise SIL to have security setting put on her wifi, blocking usage after a certain time and certain websites.

[FairhairedAndFrustrated]

No, my sister wouldn't tell her dh. There are problems in their house that having baby after baby isn't helping, she won't tell him as he goes over the top in discipline, but she keeps a lot from him because of it.

I don't want to tell her business all over mn, it's not a happy home life & I worry my nephew is seeing & hearing too much, so am reluctant to land more shit on them.

So it's not as straight forward as telling me, or in fact any of my other sisters.

[Cakebaker35]

A no brainer, tell your sister, today. As others have said also too young to have an FB account so report it.

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

Dd set up a Facebook account when she was 11 without permission. I did not know about it.
She was bullied, teased, started posting very innapropriate pictures of herself, got into conversations with older boys, didnt know how to cope with it. She also had the bloody name of her school on there, so any of the strangers she was talking to could quite easily have waited outside for her.

I wish my aunt, who knew she was on Facebook for 3 months, had told me. Then I could have dealt with it earlier.

Please tell your sister. There's a reason she doesn't want her DS on Facebook.

[FairhairedAndFrustrated]

Yes, he has the name of their school on there too. I'm trying to compose a text that won't send her loopy.

With 5 children it's easier for her to pick up a text than for me to ring & have her try to talk in front of them, particularly her oldest boy.

[Suzieismyname]

Tell your sister. Take screenshots too so she knows how public he was. For his own safety!

[cocolepew]

Tell her. He's too young, you know she doesn't want him on it and he's being bullied on it.