TidyDancer's bridezilla thread part 2(1000 Posts)
I think the best way to reply to the sister would be to send her a link to these two threads. She may be unaware that you had not been asked prior. When you 'rely' on someone to do something for you, you don't ask them four weeks before and in such a rude manner (ie expecting you to save the date to decorate, not to be invited).
I think that you should keep it simple - and include the whole STD saga, as it's pretty pertinent.
Something along the lines of "I didn't realise that STD cards were sent out now to get people NOT invited to the wedding to keep the day free for decorating the venue - as it is, on not receiving an invitation, I stopped saving the date and am not available".
I can't BELIEVE she was "relying on you" to help - WHAT A FUCKING CHEEK! If she classed you as that important in her wedding plans, perhaps she ought to have thought about who she included in her guest list a bit more fucking carefully!
Presumably the decorating is due to take place the day before the wedding though? So the 'no longer available, on that date' line is not relevant.
I think something along the lines of "I really dont think BZ understands how rude it is to uninvite a group of people to a wedding when they have been asked to save the date and made plans accordingly. To be honest I was astonished to be then asked to help decorate the venue - particularly as she said it was so the actual guests had a nice surprise! Again, she doesn't seem to realise how rude this is either. At no point prior to this had I said I would help decorate the venue so I'm not sure how on earth she could have been relying on me??!. I do hope she has a lovely day but it's simply not possible for me to involved at this point."
But at some point Gluezilla and Tidy must have vaguely talked about decorating the venue, although, presumably, this would have been months ago - before the dis-invitation happened?
So it's quite staggering that she can't make the connection between the dis-invitation and Tidy's non-availability now.
I do think the whole save the date card is entirely relevent.
I agree keep it factual and clear you had not been asked prior to being refused an invitation to help and that Gluezilla should not rely on someone who never agreed to help in the first place.
I like the idea of us all gatecrashing-we could throw pombears instead of confetti :-)
(NB said in lighthearted manner and I am still catching up on the thread in case this has already been suggested)
This is very strange though - that she is SO determined that Tidy does the decorating.
Unless you're a professional decorator OP - then I think the point she is labouring is that you're not doing what she's telling you is your job.
This is one side of the bridezilla coin...on one hand they feel a huge burden of responsibility in making the day (whatever constitutes a 'day') 'Perfect'. Its literally like being God for a day, in their minds.
On the other hand with being God comes an expectation that everyone will bow to your commands. You're not playing ball, Tidy. She is SPECIAL because she's getting married. You have to recognise this and do ANYTHING (coming from Australia, leaving hospital after a caesarean, without your baby who will no doubt cry, abandoning a sick parent) to make it all happen because it's her special day and this is your chance to be there for her/part of it/etc etc.
If you fail to do these things, you are failing to demonstrate that you care about her AT ALL or will ever be there for her again or ever have been, truly, in the past. She will cry, she will be offended. She will get other people to contact you with whom you have never spoken.
She has, in other words, got it really bad.
Gosh. I've been away for a week and return to find that gluezilla is still at it. <happy face>
It has to stop soon or we'll need a new thread
Or if the sistermail hadn't arrived, we wouldn't
Forward your initial email to the sister, with a one liner saying the sister may want to point out to the bride that for future reference, it's very unlikely people not invited to an event are ever going to want to help her.
Merrie, this from Tidy's first thread might explain her determination :
"I think she has asked me because outside of my normal job (I work in the NHS (non medical)) I am an amateur artist and am okay at interior design. This has never been employed in a wedding setting though, so she's stretching things anyway. But that combined with the fact that I am near to the venue is probably all she thought when she asked."
Presumably a combination of Tidy's skills and sheer convenience. I'm still convinced, once she's finally realised she's getting nowhere with Tidy, she's going to start pestering the other dis-invited local friend.
Ohhh yes that makes a lot of sense Fruola, totally agree that she will pester the other 'convenient' one after all this - that is, if she hasn't already tried and got nowhere.
God it is so insulting!!!
I would have had to rearrange time off work (which I had cancelled once I knew I wasn't invited) and expensive childcare in order to do so.
Are these things actually true? For example, did the OP arrange time off work to attend the wedding and then cancel it?
What I simply don't get (and what I've said before) is what on earth was she thinking when she decided to dis-invite Tidy knowing that she wanted Tidy to decorate the venue? Because she must have written on her planning list "ask Tidy to help decorate".
I would not reply to her but reply to her sister saying that you stopped saving the date on the save the date card once you found out you weren't invited so you will not be helping. Maybe make it clear you never agreed to in the first place.
Gosh tidy, you must have awesome decorating skills for them still to be flogging this one!
Another vote for Hecsy's reply, plus the bold bit from Waffly
I think you must have mis read the original card..instead of save the date, it actually said Slave the date!!!
It is a shame that Gluezilla is getting herself upset over her wedding plans but it has nothing to do with me.
She originally implied that I was to be invited to the wedding, but when the invitations went out I was not included on the list. I therefore conclude that I am not one of the 80 most important people in her life. Fair enough, that's her decision.
After demonstrating how little she values me as a friend, she then asked me to do her an enormous favour which would have been a big inconvenience to me. To compound the problem, the favour was in connection with the wedding to which I was no longer invited. So the request was both presumptuous and staggeringly insensitive.
I declined. I never intimated that I would do it. I had to decline again because she kept asking (and therefore compounding the rudeness). It seems that she is now using you to ask, yet again.
The answer remains the same and will do, no matter how many times she asks. I would be grateful if you persuaded her that it would be a better use of her energy to ask someone else because I am not going to reconsider. She needs to change track, and fast, because the later she leaves it, the more difficult it will be to find someone.
Sorry that this is so long-winded but I feel that the family needs to hear my side of the story because GlueZilla does not seem to be taking my e-mails on board.
Hmmm. To my mind it says "hurt feelings" and goes over the top in places. Something with less emotion and being more concise would be better.
I like parts of your response Senua but I think the language is too emotive in places and when reading it the sister/bride would become defensive. I think it's better to stay factual on these things.
A long and involved reply will make you look deranged and obsessive. Just say that what was asked of you was really the kind of favour that it would only be appropriate to ask of an invited guest; that you found it upsetting - and rude - to be asked to perform a service out of friendship when you are not part of the group of friends who will enjoy the occasion.
Looks like we're going to need a third thread Tidy...
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