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Friend on the brink of an affair

(34 Posts)
Caryfakes Tue 23-Jul-13 13:35:32

That's it really. My friend has been in touch with an old school friend, they have met up for coffee twice and now plan on meeting in an hotel on Sunday evening. She's been confiding in me and although I haven't condoned her behaviour I haven't condemned it either although I think she's being very selfish. She has 4 dc, her dp is lovely, she admits this but says she's bored. She's asked if she can use me as an alibi for Sunday evening which I'm not happy about. Just writing that down has made me realise that I'm not BU actually! I feel really cross with her for jeopardizing her family for a bit of attention. I don't want to cut her out of my life as our ds are friends but its made me look at her in a different light. Has anyone else been put in this position?

YouTheCat Tue 23-Jul-13 13:37:08

You have to tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you will not be her alibi.

It will all come to bite you on the arse if you are.

StuntGirl Tue 23-Jul-13 13:41:26

Does she recognise that what she's doing is the start of an affair? Or is she in denial about it?

I would absolutely not be her alibi, I would tell her so in no uncertain terms and I would not lie if asked.

Caryfakes Tue 23-Jul-13 13:42:11

Thanks. After writing that it helped me clarify my thoughts. I've texted to say I'm not happy with being her alibi and don't want to be a part of what is clearly becoming an affair rather than a mild flirtation

SirChenjin Tue 23-Jul-13 13:44:37

I wouldn't be her alibi, unless she was married to an absolute bastard, had fallen very much in love and was meeting to discuss their future and her way out of the marriage - and it doesn't sound like she is. As Stunt says, does she know she's on the verge of an affair?

happystory Tue 23-Jul-13 13:45:27

i had something similiar, I wasn't asked to provide an alibi as my friend was single, but the guy was married and I just couldn't condone it. When she wanted to talk about it I metaphorically put my fingers in my ears and went 'La la la.'

Caryfakes Tue 23-Jul-13 13:46:44

She's gone from realizing it's wrong to now rationalizing it by saying that he is the next big thing and what a catch he'll be (mmm) for her and her children. No mention or concern for his partner. It's left me feeling rather grubby just by association actually.

StuntGirl Tue 23-Jul-13 13:48:40

That's really sad.

Are there problems in her marriage? Is this a way for her to avoid them instead of dealing with them?

Caryfakes Tue 23-Jul-13 13:48:56

Her partner is lovely, even she admits he adores her and her dc, she's just bored. It's made me view her in a different light tbh

kinkyfuckery Tue 23-Jul-13 13:50:39

Good for you. She's on dangerous ground and I'd rather be right out of it.

Tittypulumpcious Tue 23-Jul-13 13:53:06

Does your friend realise that there's 2 people in her marriage that if she's bored it's also up her to either decide marriage is no longer what she wants and be honest with her husband or do her bit to make it less boring.

If my friend did this I'd have to shut down the friendship sorry.

DontmindifIdo Tue 23-Jul-13 13:54:20

She's already having an affair.

I'd also say if her DP asks you you won't lie, so she needs to make sure you're not in a position to be expected to lie. Her affair, her problem.

quesadilla Tue 23-Jul-13 13:56:49

What SirChenjin said. I wouldn't automatically condemn anyone who has an affair - I am myself the product of an affair which turned into a 45 year marriage. Sometimes people find the person they are truly meant to be with etc.

But from what you have said this woman is just having a minor mid-life crisis and basking in attention in a way which could have devastating consequences for her dcs.

You can't control whether or not she embarks on a full blown affair with this guy but you can make it clear you aren't going to support her subterfuge. Hopefully this will put some things into perspective for her.

Caryfakes Tue 23-Jul-13 13:58:38

Titty, I'm thinking the same. It's always all about her and this is a huge example of this. Her dp's business is failing, it's not the life she envisaged for herself and so she's jumping ship to a galleon in full sail (om is v wealthy), that looks awful written down. No reply from my text to her yet.

Caryfakes Tue 23-Jul-13 14:03:46

Quesadilla, this is why I was prevaricating as my long term friend had an affair 15 years ago, they are now married and very happy. No dc were involved though and we were all much younger and more naive/forgiving back then. But this feels very different. They have already spoken about getting married, him relocating etc but I guess they would be red flags for me so soon into the affair

mynewpassion Tue 23-Jul-13 14:07:48

Your friend seems to be a gold digger.

Crinkle77 Tue 23-Jul-13 14:10:18

OP don't act as an alibi for her. If she wants to have an affair that's up to her but she is not being fair dragging you in to it. Say you will have nothing to do with it and if her husband rings you to find out anything then you will not cover for her.

cuillereasoupe Tue 23-Jul-13 14:12:51

They have already spoken about getting married, him relocating

After two coffees? shock Boy is she in for some trouble.

PasswordProtected Tue 23-Jul-13 14:13:38

How does anyone with 4 children have the time, never mind the energy, even to think about having an affair, let alone arrange trysts in hotels on a Sunday evening?
I assume from the references to her "DP" they are not actually married? This may well be part of her "boredom" or even immaturity.

StraightJacket Tue 23-Jul-13 14:33:47

Talks of marriage, after 2 coffees? hmm

Stay well out of it, and definitely don't provide an alibi. Car crash waiting to happen.

thebody Tue 23-Jul-13 14:38:24

her business but defiantly your right to not be involved or implicated.

she sounds calculating rather than naive.

take steps back.

Will her DP be minding her four DC while she's 'meeting' in the hotel?
She sounds quite shameless and more than willing to use people.
You sure you want her as a friend?

Boreoff Tue 23-Jul-13 15:06:59

Has she considered her children at all? Glad to hear you are not getting involved.

This will not end well for her, have seen it before with a couple of friends. They end up begging for their husbands back.

I know she's behaving awfully, but I kind of feel for her in spite of that. She's deluding herself that this can be healthy, exciting and harmless and it will be anything but. I guess she wants to be swept off her feet and feels that her husband won't do it for her like an illicit affair with another man will.

Definitely stand your ground: you won't be a part of this affair, not even by being an alibi as you say you are (understandably) not comfortable with it.

justmyview Tue 23-Jul-13 15:10:12

Definitely don't agree to be an alibi

In your shoes, I'd make it very clear that I don't want to hear anything about it.

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