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To be a bit miffed by what my best friend got DS for his Christening?

(113 Posts)
PaperandNuts Tue 23-Jul-13 12:36:53

She gave him 2 x £1 toys from Poundland.

Now I know it's not about the money, it's the thought that counts - but that's the problem, there doesnt appear to have been any thought!
The toys are cheap tack and one is definitely more a girls toy.
It just seems she has gone for the cheapest, easy option, not thought about what DS might actual want/need/like, they weren't even wrapped and there was no card.
And just for the record, she could afford to spend more on him if she wanted - she is in a very good full time permanent job, pays very little rent on her own pad, owns a house which she rents out, and has no other responsibilities (no partner, children, pets, car, etc.).
She could have also put more time / thought into his gifts - I would rather her have made him something which would have been more personal or quite frankly not even bothered as what she did give just seems a bit pointless / pathetic (sorry, I know I sound ungrateful but I just know she could - and maybe should - have tried a bit harder as she knows it means a lot to me).

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not materialistic or a snob (there is nothing wrong with Poundland - I shop there myself occassionally and that's how I know the gifts were from there!!). I'm by no means loaded either, I do like a bargain, am sensible when it comes to money, come from a working class background etc etc. but this has just upset me a little.

She has been my best friend for years and I have helped her out in many ways in the past including financially (I have lent her money when she really needed it), practically (ie. when she moved house), emotionally (when her relationship broke down), etc etc. - all of which I of course don't mind doing, that's what friends are for.

I just feel a bit miffed about this, plus she didnt even come to the Christening in the end saying she had family stuff to do instead (even though the date had been in her diary for weeks).

AIBU?

LimitedEditionLady Fri 26-Jul-13 20:55:20

Justforlaughs you prob didnt offend them.Different friendship circles do different things.In mine we dont buy each other christmas gifts but we buy the kids,in my friends other set of friends they buy the adults and not the kids.I think we expect our friends to do what is the norm around us and when it isnt its confusing.

Oh dear, i think I probably offended my DS and DBil, and my DB and my DSil, their children (my DNs) weren't Christened but had a dedication ceremony and I didn't give a gift at all. I didn't see the need tbh. I don't think it sounds like the friend was giving a Christening present at all, it sounds like she went round and took a small gift, much as I might if I dropped round a friends/ relatives that I hadn't seen for a while.

LimitedEditionLady Fri 26-Jul-13 19:15:42

If you cant afford a present youd just send a card,a cards better.

LimitedEditionLady Fri 26-Jul-13 19:14:49

No i dont think YABU.i would expect my best friends to attend if they could and definately a card.As for the girls toy I wouldnt expect someone to buy my boy a girls toy?why would they?she must have a secret bee in her bonnet.

hollyisalovelyname Fri 26-Jul-13 01:21:50

Yanbu

zatyaballerina Fri 26-Jul-13 00:56:49

How can you be sure she's not struggling financially? Appearance wise everything can look good to others but privately she could be in serious debt or just not have anything left over at the end of the month.

The truth is we don't know what is going on in other peoples lives, no matter how well you think you know them. She could be in serious financial trouble, having personal difficulties, mental health issues, physical health issues that you don't know about. There is likely something going on if she missed the Christening.

As for the bad present, apart from possible poverty, she may not have a clue what to buy a baby and just went for something that he could play with.

kali110 United States Thu 25-Jul-13 22:56:17

You say that you have helped her out financially? How do you know she is not now struggling? Maybe she didnt come to the christening and bought crappy gifts because of this?
I lost my job a month ago and still havent td my closest friends

PaperandNuts Thu 25-Jul-13 11:44:59

Thank you for all your responses - well most of them! wink

A lot were pretty predictable actually; going off on tangents, not reading the thread/post properly but still feeling the need to contribute, trying to debate the wrong thing (ie. this was not about whether a child should be Christened or not, or whether there is such a thing as a girls or boys toy!), etc etc. Typical Mumsnet.

MrsKeithRichards summed it up perfectly actually (thanks!) smile

I (obviously!) agree with those of you who are also nice, normal, sane, rational people who said I was not being unreasonable - I knew this, it's just nice to have back-up! smile

For the record, the invites did not mention gifts at all and they of course were not asked for or expected. However, a lot of people asked us for ideas on what they could buy DS. When we said we didn't expect anything they replied along the lines of 'of course we're going to get him a gift', 'we want to get him something', 'it's tradition'.
All those who were invited (except this friend) gave beautiful, thoughtful cards & presents which were gratefully received and mean a lot.
I guess it's the same with occassions such as weddings, birthdays, retirements, engagements, etc. - the main reason for having them / celebrating them is not for a party or for presents, though the majority do end up including them.
Besides, I said from the start, I would rather her got him nothing or maybe made him something which could have been cheaper but much more personable and thoughtful than give him what she did which suggests no thought, time, or effort was spent so to me is pointless.

I have been thinking about the friend in question a lot actually and I can think of a fair few occassions where she has upset / disappointed me, let me down, been selfish, and/or unreliable (and no, not all these were about gifts!!). I do think she can be thoughtless sometimes, and a bit of a miser!!
Everyone is different though, and I guess some of what is important to me is not important to her.

Anyway, thanks again for all your reponses; I knew I was right and not being unreasonable!

Case closed! smile

Emilythornesbff Wed 24-Jul-13 19:53:08

As she didn't attend the Christening or wrap the toys maybe they weren't a Christening present, just toys. IYSWIM.

Davsmum Wed 24-Jul-13 19:19:11

She didn't go to the Christening! The OP DID sat that.
So she got a gift even though the friend did not go.

I would either accept it or ditch the friend. No point in moaning about it.

NobodyPutsTomArcherInTheCorner Wed 24-Jul-13 16:00:26

Yanbu. And how they were presented seems odd too; no card, not wrapped. Did she get them on the way there?confused I would always at least take a card to a something like a christening.

But as usual on MN thou shalt not expect regarding gifts blah blah..has anyone said you're entitled yet?wink You're not btw. I'd be hurt and confused too.

Agree with MrsKeith's earlier post.

Hehe Blonde I read that as "cheap sex toy" grin

I was unaware that it was expected etiquette to give a present at a Christening unless you were the Godparent. She may not have thought that she was expected to bring anything, but did make an effort to bring a token gift in apology for not attending rather than giving a "Christening Gift".
You don't say what the "family stuff" was OP, but is there any chance that it was something really important that she wasn't aware of before, say a relative in hospital?

maja00 Wed 24-Jul-13 13:37:10

Did the invitation make it clear that gifts were expected? Maybe another guest told her at the last minute so she just nipped into Poundland and grabbed the first thing she saw?

RonaldMcDonald Wed 24-Jul-13 13:35:26

As a God Parent I'd only buy a silver spoon/little silver dish or rattle
Only because this is what my parents did and I still have mine.

Davsmum Wed 24-Jul-13 13:33:16

People are different. If you have a friend for many years then surely you know this side of their personality?
Or is it a new trait?
Whichever - if it bothers you and its a friend, you should be able to talk about it with her?
Its only hurtful if you dwell on it and let it bother you.

I went to my twin nieces christening but did not buy them anything. The godparents bought small commemorative gifts but no one else did!
We had bought gifts when the babies were born - You cannot keep buying gifts for every occasion, especially if you know lots of babies!

RonaldMcDonald Wed 24-Jul-13 13:32:59

I was unaware that one was obligated to give christening gifts unless you held the role of a god parent.

Therefore it was £2 more than you would have received from me

YABU

Oh god christenings are a bleedin minefield. We fell out with OH's best friends of 20+ yrs because we declined invitation to theirs. We aren't religious and neither were they until they had to make a big hoo haa to get pfb into catholic school. I didnt want a 3 and a half hr trip each way and an overnight stay we couldn't afford at the time with baby and toddler who both hate car journeys. For that we were deemed no longer fit to be their friends.
If you value your friendship then let it go.

maja00 Wed 24-Jul-13 13:26:48

Maybe it's because I grew up Catholic, but baptisms weren't gift-getting events when I was a child.

I'm not religious now and don't have any religious friends, so haven't been to any christenings.

We had a naming ceremony for DS and certainly didn't expect gifts! Just wanted to get our friends and family together to celebrate. Some brought presents, some didn't.

squoosh Wed 24-Jul-13 13:24:54

YANBU.

She was clearly being a cow.

ElizabethHornswoggle Wed 24-Jul-13 13:21:23

YABU. So what if she 'can' (according to you) afford to buy him more? She might behaving a tight few months money wise for all you know.
She didn't have to get him anything at all. You're being ungrateful.

fedupofnamechanging Wed 24-Jul-13 13:17:20

I am surprised that so many of you wouldn't buy presents if you were invited to a christening. It's like going to someone's house for dinner and not bringing a bottle of wine or some flowers/chocs for the host.

I would unwittingly offend lots of you, I think. I am a god mother, despite being an atheist and I bought my lovely god daughter a dolls pram that she could play with when she grew up a bit, rather than something serious and meaningful.

Christenings are important to parents and a true friend would make an effort to attend and buy a gift that shows she has thought about the child in some way. It is hurtful if someone you are close to, can't be bothered.

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 24-Jul-13 13:09:19

so your bf doesnt turn up at your ds christening, doesnt let you know and then gives a cheap wrong sex toy

yanbu, i would be miffed tbh

but, you also say that you two are very open, hence you know her financial state of affairs etc, so maybe you need to say to her that you were upset she didnt turn up/let you know and choice of present

though course you wont wink hence why you posted on here to vent

piratecat Wed 24-Jul-13 12:58:02

cheap last minute gifts not even wrapped?
yanbu

she forgot till last minute.

Davsmum Wed 24-Jul-13 12:47:10

I think YABU
You are deciding what she could and could not do based on her job and her rent situation etc.
Yes, it would be nice if she put some thought into buying something but I don't think you should have expectations on what your friend does and doesn't do re a present.
Your friend obviously falls below the mark of what you expect so perhaps you should not have her as a friend and choose friends who meet your expectations in future.

AnnabelleLee Wed 24-Jul-13 12:39:15

"But inflicting your atheist dogma on a newborn innocent is just fine!?"

1)dogma is the wrong word in this sentence.
2) yes, it is just fine
3) its much the same as you telling your children that the flying spaghetti monster is not the Pastafarian Lord of the Universe.

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