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To not tell her...

(30 Posts)
VanitasVanitatum Tue 23-Jul-13 11:30:55

So I'd been dating this guy for a few months, seemed really nice, always took me out for dinner or days out, didn't rush things (didn't even kiss me til about the fourth date!), talked about things we'd do together in the next few months, generally not many warning signs except one - seemed to avoid inviting me to his.

Friend of mine decided this was odd, as was the fact that he hadn't added me on Facebook, so decided to track down his fb account (he wasn't searchable). Friend then calls me and says it looks like he has a girlfriend.. Checked it out and yep, seems he's happily living with a lovely looking girl, they look v happy together.

So of course, I have ignored him since, deleted his number etc. I didn't want to confront him because frankly I'd rather he think I just got bored, might dent his ego a tiny bit.. And I don't really want to waste energy on such a wankbadger. Hadn't considered saying anything at all to the girl, mainly because it didn't seem like my place, it might be for the wrong reasons, and it just generally seems distasteful.

However, my dilemma now is that a couple of my close friends have told me I'm wrong not to tell her, that she deserves to know, and that in her place they would hope they'd be told. I now wonder if I'm somehow colluding with him in keeping it quiet?

So, help please mumsnet.. AIBU to just draw a line and do nothing?

THERhubarb Tue 23-Jul-13 14:48:14

Your male friend sounds very caring, are you sure you don't want to look for love a little closer to home?

I would tell her anonymously. Mention that he had contacted you as a single man, that you had been in regular contact and had many dates and that you have only decided to tell her because a friend of yours discovered her Facebook page which linked to him as her boyfriend. Don't put your name on there but you can tell her what his email is etc so she knows you are not completely bullshitting.

It's then entirely up to her. She can either choose to believe him or do a little digging of her own and find out he's a scumbag. Either way you might just prevent her from making a HUGE mistake with him or even worse - if he is sleeping around behind her back, that does put her at risk as no protection is 100% guaranteed. On those grounds alone I think she needs to know that he is cheating.

DoJo Tue 23-Jul-13 15:13:42

I agree - if he is living with her and potentially putting her at risk of STIs then she deserves to know. You can give her the information you have and leave it at that and what she chooses to do with it is up to her.

VanitasVanitatum Tue 23-Jul-13 19:15:38

Rhubarb he is indeed lovely!! Unfortunately just a friend. I don't think I could tell her anonymously as I could only contact her on Facebook..

I think the kind thing is to let her know. Its really tough on you that's you've ended up in this position, but in her shoes wouldn't you want to know? If you do it as kindly as possible, she can see you aren't getting any kind of kick out of it, just passing on information that she can do what she wants with.

A couple of similar things happened to me in the past - a guy I met online dating (didn't ever get round to meeting but nearly did). I thought he was single, his wife got in contact with me, I passed on all the info to her. Another time I saw a guy from school on a site, he was engaged to someone else I knew from home. That time I didn't let her know - he asked me not to. I'm sure I did the wrong thing but I felt like I just couldn't face it. I guess I could so much better anticipate her pain and couldn't face getting involved. Maybe a bit cowardly, but so much harder when you know the poor woman involved.

CeliaFate Wed 24-Jul-13 09:34:16

Stay out of it. If you tell her you've no idea what the repercussions will be. He could turn nasty and harass you.
You're responsible for your decisions, he's responsible for his.

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