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To not go into debt even for a good friends hen party

(127 Posts)
Chocolatehunter Mon 22-Jul-13 20:40:57

I'm getting married in under two weeks, it's final bill time so the most expensive month. We only booked it at the end of May so not had long to save.

I have a friend who is a bridesmaid, and I am hers, when she gets married in Feb, she's an old school friend but we don't see each other all the time.

She didn't come to my hen do, or help plan it in anyway, but all of a sudden I've had an email saying I have to organise her hen do for October along with the other bridesmaids, apparently she wants the whole experience to be a surprise. I've tried to explain that It's a very expensive time for me, i still have a mortgage to pay and childcare on top of these wedding bills, but the other bridesmaids seem to be dripping in money because they are picking out huge country cottages and a weekend packed full of activities.

I have about 10 emails a day from them about different venues/prices/activities which is really distracting at work. I have said that I'm feeling skint and basically on a beans on toast diet this month, I need to wait until my next pay to get any money at all.

I'm really proud that we haven't gone into debt for our wedding but now I've been told that I should 'borrow money' to pay for the hen do, and because I've refused to pay until my next pay day, I've been 'reported' to the bride and have had a series of sh*tty texts today asking why I am ruining her happiness!! Would IBU to tell them to stick their hen do? Or should I just smile and get on with it?

pigletmania Mon 22-Jul-13 23:36:30

Why don't you arrange to meet her and talk about it

GW297 Mon 22-Jul-13 23:39:13

From recent bitter experience of being in a similar position just say no from the outset. Say you can't afford it because unless someone else is going to pay for you, there is no further response to that. I will always now say no straightaway from now on instead of worrying and stressing and the fact that she didn't come to yours means you can say no completely guilt free.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Mon 22-Jul-13 23:52:29

I like nobeer's reply too. Possibly losing "as it is happening before X's hen party".

"Before the engagements my friend was a lovely person."
Are you sure about that? You posted that "I know that when I got engaged she was fuming. Also when I text everyone before booking the date to see if they were free (because it was short notice), she got upset and made sure she booked her wedding the next day."
That does not sound like someone who is lovely. It all sounds as if she's jealous, and more than happy to take the shine off your wedding for you. It's two weeks until your wedding, why is she flinging all this shit and anxiety your way NOW confused?

Sorry OP, but it all just reads to me that it's about making you miserable rather than about making her happy, and doing it via her proxies, the other bridesmaids. Sneaky, underhanded, and definitely not lovely. I mean, "'threatening her happiness'" - WTF?

TheDoctrineOfAllan Tue 23-Jul-13 00:02:17

No beer 's email is great.

TheSecondComing Tue 23-Jul-13 00:06:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mimishimi Tue 23-Jul-13 00:14:27

YANBU. I've never heard of An individual friend fronting up all the money for a hen do! If anything, everyone comes together and throws a bit into the pot, if not outright payin for themselves at the time. Just say no.

MerylStrop Tue 23-Jul-13 00:38:34

Who has a hen do 5 MONTHS before the wedding?

That's enough time for them to split up and get engaged to someone else.

Ridiculous

Don't respond to the email. Rise above. Enjoy your own wonderful wedding.

Afterwards, try to speak to your friend, in person, without anyone else there and tell her this : "I am not getting married as some kind of competition".

MerylStrop Tue 23-Jul-13 00:43:39

I have been publicly given a deadline to pay in full

Who do these people think they are?

OP these are not nice people, they are bullying you and do not care if they endanger your old friendship.

MidniteScribbler Tue 23-Jul-13 03:57:29

Send her an email saying that you will put in exactly the same amount of effort and money as she spent on yours.

Hissy Brazil Tue 23-Jul-13 07:22:09

She's deliberately making this an issue to spoil YOUR day.

Hit reply all, say that you'll be declining her invitation and leave it at that.

Please don't spend another single moment of anguish on this very sad, spiteful and jealous woman.

ZillionChocolate Tue 23-Jul-13 08:00:57

Having rude pushy texts from your other friends and being bullied into spending money I don't have a fortnight before my own wedding is threatening my happiness. I think it's best if we miss each other's hen dos and have a catch up just the two of us closer to the time.

And then I'd refuse to talk about it.

Back2Two Tue 23-Jul-13 08:26:35

I have only browsed the thread but I'm just amazed that this is actually happening.

Please don't let this issue take away from your own wedding any longer...jeez, this is just a bloody hen do.

I would suggest being very polite and stating that, as it IS your wedding very soon you are distracted with your own arrangements and financially you are very restricted. Consequently, you would like someone else to take over the organisation of this hen do as you are obviously not the person who can give it the attention that it needs.

You could add that feel a bit stressed by the pressure and really just want to focus on your own actual wedding day for now.

Say it all nice and politely and bow out gracefully.

Let some other shmuck do all the bloody work and fork out loads of money....you just go along to the hen if you still want to after all this selfish, greedy and horrible behaviour.

FriedSprout Tue 23-Jul-13 08:59:20

These women are not nice!
I agree wire Snazzy's post, think it says it all:

"Yes, reply to all and say clearly that you need to put the record straight - you are weeks away from your own wedding and can't afford to commit to the kind of money being asked for, and that you don't appreciate being publicly criticised for being short of money"

Then I would have nothing more to do with any of them, including the bride!

Hope your wedding is everything that hers won't be, ie full of real friends, that care about you - have a lovely day smile

specialsubject Tue 23-Jul-13 09:26:21

tell her that if her whole happiness depends on one pissup, she is tragic.

whatsonyourplate Tue 23-Jul-13 09:33:23

If the hen night is in October but the wedding is not till Feb, I'd bet she's going to want a second hen night nearer the time. Better start saving....

HerculePoirotsTache Tue 23-Jul-13 10:48:03

Nobeers email suggestion is excellent and certainly hit Reply All but I would add that you disagree with being 'shamed' by a circulating email suggesting you are a 'no payer'. They are coming across as complete bitches grin

This thread has meant I'm sitting looking at my PC with mouth wide open.
How bloody rude.
Agree, she is trying to steal your thunder. Don't let her.

How much is the hen do going to cost in total anyway?
No you should not get into debt.

Have you sent your reply yet???

CSIJanner Tue 23-Jul-13 11:47:47

Seriously - after all of this flak, vitriol and attempts at public email humiliation just weeks before your own day, do you think you still want her as BM without a bad taste in your mouth? It's a difficult one as you don't want to appear the vindictive bitch, but after her happiness texts during your dress fitting, you'll be a far better woman than I if you didn't tell her to fuck right off.

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper Tue 23-Jul-13 11:54:01

She is going to spoil your wedding day with this hassle. Boot her as bridesmaid and distance yourself.

Oh I want you to do as biscuit suggests and get pg before her wedding, far enough in advance that she needs to accommodate the bump in your dress and all the grannys flock around you. You do owe it to MN as we can then get a whole new thread from jealous bridezilla, see how that ruins her happiness.

Don't feel you have to go into debt for her, look at what the package is and isn't including, will there be food on top where you will have just a salad and water while they have 3 courses with champagne and split the bill equally etc?

Most importantly enjoy your own day, and ban discussion of her wedding on your day!

LemonBreeland Tue 23-Jul-13 13:53:56

You absolutely need to reply all. Thst is incredibly rude to send an email to all slagging you off.

Amibambini Wed 24-Jul-13 15:15:02

Chocolatehunter - update?

CalamityJ Wed 24-Jul-13 19:34:32

Why would you want to spend time and money with a) bridezilla or b) 19 other hens who now think you're a tight arsed trouble maker?

I gently enquired to the bridesmaids about the £300 cost it was going to be for a friend's hen do only an hour down the road and for three nights. The hen's mum phoned me and told me I was cheap if couldn't afford that (three weddings/hen dos that year) and when I suggested 4 or even 3 star hotel instead of 5 star I was told "I must have the best for my daughter!" Well yes but she's just one of many friends of mine getting married. I suggested cava instead of champagne; she said "no daughter of mine drinks cava!" Pfffft. Anyway her bridesmaids finally got real and refunded all of us £75 at the end of the hen do as they'd been able to do some 'economising'. I'm glad I spoke up but it did make the first day of the hen do frosty and I got the shit room However when they got to know me they realised I was just more practical than them and that they hadn't needed to go all out as others have other hen dos to attend.

If she didn't go to yours I wouldn't go into debt to go to hers, holiday or no holiday that she was on. To ask you to go into debt weeks before your own wedding is ludicrous. I would never ask that of anyone! She may have been Norma, before this but her wedding as definitely gone to her head. No words of advice for how to reply but something along the lines of 'I have other commitments such as my own wedding and can't afford this too unless it's scaled back'.

Wbdn28 Wed 24-Jul-13 20:03:20

Hi friend,

Thank you for inviting me to help arrange your hen do.

I'd have loved to have been involved, but unfortunately won't be able to afford any of the options suggested by the others, and they're not willing to be flexible at all.

Had I realised there was going to be a consensus to choose such expensive activities and accommodation, I'd never have agreed to be involved.

I'm disappointed that your other bridesmaids aren't being very pleasant about this, and have chosen to "report" this to you as if not having enough money is a crime. Obviously that was bad manners on their part, as you shouldn't be needing to worry about the arrangements.

You've now said I'm "ruining your happiness" which is wrong and hurtful as naturally I wish you all the happiness in the world. I'd say it's certain others who are stirring things up here - I don't know what exactly they've said to you, but it doesn't sound as if it was fair or reasonable.

I hope that whatever is chosen will be a wonderful surprise for you, and you all have a great time.

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