To not go into debt even for a good friends hen party

(127 Posts)
Chocolatehunter Mon 22-Jul-13 20:40:57

I'm getting married in under two weeks, it's final bill time so the most expensive month. We only booked it at the end of May so not had long to save.

I have a friend who is a bridesmaid, and I am hers, when she gets married in Feb, she's an old school friend but we don't see each other all the time.

She didn't come to my hen do, or help plan it in anyway, but all of a sudden I've had an email saying I have to organise her hen do for October along with the other bridesmaids, apparently she wants the whole experience to be a surprise. I've tried to explain that It's a very expensive time for me, i still have a mortgage to pay and childcare on top of these wedding bills, but the other bridesmaids seem to be dripping in money because they are picking out huge country cottages and a weekend packed full of activities.

I have about 10 emails a day from them about different venues/prices/activities which is really distracting at work. I have said that I'm feeling skint and basically on a beans on toast diet this month, I need to wait until my next pay to get any money at all.

I'm really proud that we haven't gone into debt for our wedding but now I've been told that I should 'borrow money' to pay for the hen do, and because I've refused to pay until my next pay day, I've been 'reported' to the bride and have had a series of sh*tty texts today asking why I am ruining her happiness!! Would IBU to tell them to stick their hen do? Or should I just smile and get on with it?

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Mon 22-Jul-13 20:43:21

If you like, give me their emails and I'll tell them to stick it for you.

YANBU

Morgause Mon 22-Jul-13 20:44:23

I'll help.

Katisha Mon 22-Jul-13 20:46:22

Just explain in plain words that you have managed not to go overdrawn with your own wedding and that therefore you do not want to have to go overdrawn for her hen night. Its awkward timing for sure though. But you need to have that conversation with her, and not by text.

Sparklyblue Mon 22-Jul-13 20:47:10

Oh for god sake. What is wrong with an evening on the town with friends. Why all this cost for a hen do, I don't understand the need for these expensive affairs.
YADNBU. Definitely tell her to stick it.

summermakesmesneeze Mon 22-Jul-13 20:47:54

I can't believe she'd make a big deal when she didn't go to yours! Can you make it for (a cheap) part of this magnificent event? If that's not viable, personally I would turn it down politely and perhaps offer to help out with something else. Will you all be getting ready in the same house on the big day? Perhaps you could organise wine and nibbles for everyone (but get them to chip in if champagne is demanded!)
YANBU

Yika Mon 22-Jul-13 20:50:25

Never go into debt. But it sounds like the issue is about more than the money.

sudointellectual Mon 22-Jul-13 20:51:08

Just turn it down. She sounds like a nobhead.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Mon 22-Jul-13 20:52:07

What ever happened to a night out at a club and a kebab on the way home as a hen do? Total spend - about £30 per person including taxi home.
I honestly can not understand hen do's and stag do's that cost £200+ to attend, then weddings that cost silly amounts like £300 to attend (my friend and her partner spent £900 to attend a hen, stag and wedding for one couple to wed - and that does not include gift, travel and clothing!).

YANBU.
But being involved does give you the chance to argue for something cheaper. Is it only the bridesmaids and bride going?

Chocolatehunter Mon 22-Jul-13 20:52:32

It's difficult to have that conversation because the bride refuses to know anything about the hen party, refuses to pay for herself and has already told me that, me giving her reason to have to speak to me about it, is 'threatening her happiness'.

My mother was with me this morning at my final wedding dress fitting when I was receiving these texts and nearly threw my phone out of the window. I've shown df as well and I think he's feeling slightly smug that he's got away with planning a wedding in under 3 months and I've only had 1 stress out session (three days in-I was worried that I hadn't booked everything)

maternitart Mon 22-Jul-13 20:53:39

YANBU, I don't understand why hen dos have to be so expensive. Maybe offer to arrange a 2nd hen in your town (just cocktails & maybe a meal?) for anyone who can't afford make the other one.

prettybird Mon 22-Jul-13 20:53:49

No-one should be guilted into going into debt for a social event.

"I don't have the money and can't afford it so sorry, I'll have to give the Hen Night/Weekend a miss if that is the cost of what is being planned"

And repeat as necessary.

LemonBreeland Mon 22-Jul-13 20:54:08

YANBU just tell them you are not taking part in any of it.

londonrach Mon 22-Jul-13 20:55:17

I'd question what sort of friend she is. My hen night was a meal out in prezzo cost a tenner at most. My sisters was a meal with her two bridesmaids at lunchtime in local Italian. Why does it have to be expensive. Everyone at my hen night at a good gossip and we had so much laughter. It's spending time with your girlfriends that matter....

saulaboutme Mon 22-Jul-13 20:55:52

Yanbu. I hate this kind of attitude.

You have to tell her you're not getting into debt which is what will happen if you buckle under their pressure.

I'd opt out if I was you.

maternitart Mon 22-Jul-13 20:57:07

Oh my god x-post, she sounds like a dick.

Maybe the other maids are getting into debt & think you should too.

What are you doing for your hen btw?

PoppyWearer Mon 22-Jul-13 20:57:10

Don't even think about her wedding until YOURS is over. Enjoy YOUR moment.

Ignore ignore ignore. Say you are too busy with your wedding preparations.

Chocolatehunter Mon 22-Jul-13 21:01:41

My thoughts exactly, but the other bridesmaids won't have it. I've tried arguing for cheaper options but I am just being ignored. My own hen party was amazing, I had an amazing time. It was 2nights away in a city, lovely hotel, meals and dancing and came to £90 each and I was so worried in case that was too much for everyone.

laeiou Mon 22-Jul-13 21:02:00

In less than 2 weeks she is due to be your bridesmaid? Tell her you are too busy to think a wedding happening next year. Also, if they can't agree a budget for the hen do that suits then feel free to arrange one (when you have time to join in with the arrangements) but not attend said hen do.

SkinnybitchWannabe Mon 22-Jul-13 21:02:16

YANBU. shes being a cow. Tell her straight that you cant/ wont pay to attend whatever OTT plans the others have organised.
If she sends you bitchy texts, block her number and the same goes for emails.
Good luck and congrats on your wedding

Amibambini Mon 22-Jul-13 21:03:17

Urgh, it's annoying how insensitive people can be when it comes to money and joint events. I'm always surprised how easy it is for people with cash to forget how hard it is when money is tight.

YANBU. I don't think you even have to go into such depth when explaining your financial situation and wether or not you want to go into debt. Your finances and choices around debt are YOUR business. I would be livid if a friend suggested I borrowed for their hen, I would also feel that they are a selfish, shallow person and would forget about attending in any shape or form.

All you have to say is "sorry, I can't afford the hen you have planned and I'm not borrowing money either, end of."

Seriously, your mate is cheeky and her mates sound insensitive.

Enjoy your debt free wedding! flowers

TimeofChange Mon 22-Jul-13 21:05:31

Ignore the texts and emails.
She is being horrible.

Do you think she is doing it because she is jealous of you getting married in two weeks? Does she want the attention you should be having right now?

Don't answer the texts or emails.
Delete before reading - though I am very nosey and would find that difficult!

Have a wonderful wedding day. Don't let her spoil these two weeks.

Amibambini Mon 22-Jul-13 21:06:11

I can't believe she is moaning that you are 'threatening her happiness'. What a twat.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Mon 22-Jul-13 21:06:26

Why is she a/ having her hen do FOUR MONTHS before her wedding, and b/ suddenly demanding that it's organised RIGHT NOW, just two weeks before your own wedding. hmm i'll tell you why - she's trying to piss on your parade.

Just tell her you can't afford it and won't be attending. Whatever you do, don't get into debt just for a glorified night out.

myfirstkitchen Mon 22-Jul-13 21:06:57

Don't borrow money for her hen! Wtf! Telling someone else to borrow money to spend on frivolities for yourself and having a hissy fit when they won't?
What a cow.
What sort of friend pins their happiness on another friend getting into debt?
Tell her to get stuffed.

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