Am ready for a flaming but here goes

(37 Posts)
Micklinge Sat 20-Jul-13 14:13:18

It's started already started 6 weeks holidays and kids issues!
We live on a new estate and its great ad there are lots of kids for my children to play with. DS is autistic so I'm hoping it helps with his social skills which are poor.
We had an incident last week with a child who was being mean to my DD who is 8. My DS jumped in an called this child the a b**ch.
I spoke to DS about it and computer time was lost. After he calmed down (huge meltdown) he went around to the child's house with a real apology (instead of a forced - I'm apologising because I have to).
I also spoke to the child's mum and explained that although his autism is a reason it's not an excuse.
She came across as lovely and understanding. Fast forward to today. All children are playing but the child lets call her child A is under specific instructions not to let my DD or DS into the garden with the rest of the children off the estate.
I had such high hopes for my DS and last week was the first time I had allowed him further than in front of my kitchen window where I could see him.
I'm not sure i am strong enough to survive the holidays :-(

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Sat 20-Jul-13 22:17:09

I wouldn't let her in personally Mick. I'd take her home myself or send her back with the message "Mick says to check if I'm allowed to play at theirs because her DS isn't allowed in ours."

Micklinge Sat 20-Jul-13 16:59:58

Neo- yes I totally get that but not sure what to do when child A comes into my house to play, like she did Thursday.

Micklinge Sat 20-Jul-13 16:56:04

Kids are in my garden now having a water fight. Child A is not here but they seem to be having lots of fun. :-)

hotbot Sat 20-Jul-13 16:43:15

Ah, one summer does not a swallow make.
Perhaps 11 yr old boys and 8 yr old girls don't mix.
Don't worry, perhaps instead of being taken advantage by the children you could invite mum round for a coffee or wine.
As you are new to area let the kids sort themselves out, why don't you try and make some neighbourhood friends?
Hotbot x x

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Sat 20-Jul-13 16:39:34

I do feel so much for you...but I also wouldn't let an 11 year old boy in to play with my 8 year old if he'd called her a bitch. She's very innocent and hasn't had kids do that type of thing....it would upset me and her...and while I would have sympathy, I just wouldn't put my daughter in that situation again in her own garden...or risk it.

catinabox Sat 20-Jul-13 16:33:27

It's difficult. High functioning ASD is invisible. I am not personally entirely convinced it is always a disability either. It is a difference and the difficulties are compounded by an unforgiving world that doesn't adapt well to anyone that is outside of the 'normal' box. Whatever that i

Yes, those groups don't suit everyone and your DS probably doesn't need to identify his disability in the same way as a child with a different condition (i hate that word)

you could start off with getting some kind of parent support group get-together and then go from there. You can be very specific about what you want. I.e, you could say you want to meet parents of children with adhd, high functioning autism and work out between you what you need. You and DS will feel lots better when you start meeting other parents and children.

Micklinge Sat 20-Jul-13 16:18:51

Catina - we have tried every scheme on offer in our area and unfortunately the schemes are not tailored to meet an individuals needs. Basically it is a wide variety of disabled children in a room doing arts and crafts. But your idea of setting up a group myself is a great one.
He is high functioning and I think that's why loads of people have trouble getting their heads around his additional needs.

catinabox Sat 20-Jul-13 16:02:00

Micklinge in my area there are summer play schemes for children with additional needs. I know one that have a big group of boys with ASD (High functioning) They are a fantastic group of lads, far more interesting, insightful and fun than the 'mainstream' children.

I would personally be more that happy for your DS to play at my house!

Perhaps you could find a group in your area or even try and set one up. I bet there are loads of other parents in your position all feeling frustrated and isolated that would jump at the chance. You could then at least have a network of understanding parents rather than narrow minded, precious people that don't understand.

CockyFox Sat 20-Jul-13 15:33:07

My DS's friend only comes here, nobody else will have him. He is a lovely little boy though. I think it helps that DBIL has some sort of problem along similar lines but has never been diagnosed so we are not frightened of it or of DS 'catching' autism or anything else silly like that.

I hope your son finds an understanding friend.

Micklinge Sat 20-Jul-13 15:13:41

Cockyfox, your lovely for giving the child a chance. Despite my best efforts my DS is never invited back but people are quite happy for their children to come here and be taken to the cinema, bowling etc. I just hope my DS can find one or two kids (and parents) who will understand him. It breaks my heart to see him so lonely.

Micklinge Sat 20-Jul-13 15:08:55

Ah frouby if it was as easy as just taking him for a walk to help him forget, but it's not. Really it isn't. I don't expect other people to understand and I really appreciated this mum for actually listening to me instead of how people normally behave towards my DS.

CockyFox Sat 20-Jul-13 15:04:06

Ds's best friend is autistic, I am happy to have him around our house but he can be hard to handle. So, as wrong as it probably is, if we have DD's younger friends around I ask DS to pick a different friend to invite, as the nature of the best friends problems make him unpredictable.

froubylou Sat 20-Jul-13 14:53:47

Personally I won't have kids in my garden or home that can't or won't be well behaved. I know if your son has genuine issues that may be seen as harsh but my dd is just 9 and I can let her and her friends play with minimal supervision which means I can get on with something else not be babysitting them all. Probably something assimple as that.

He's said sorry and you have explained to his mum. Nowt else you can do lass!

If he's moping around take him for a walk or to the park or something. He will forget about it all quicker that way.

Viviennemary Sat 20-Jul-13 14:50:17

I think the other mum is being mean. OK your son shouldn't have called this child a bitch. But it's only a word. Hitting and bullying is much worse in my opinion. And after all the other child was being mean to your DD and he only saw it as defending her. I'm sure it will all blow over soon.

catinabox Sat 20-Jul-13 14:44:31

Hmmm. This is a shame. I feel a bit sad for your DS.

It sounded like you handled the incident brilliantly though.

I don't really know what to suggest other than trying to become friendly with the Mum too.

Perhaps next time her DC come and play in your garden / have an ice pop etc you could say

'oh, i hope you don't mind your DC played in our garden the other day. I know you weren't to happy with them playing together after the incident' 'It all seems to have settled down'

If she is pleasant, perhaps you could talk to her about your DS Autism a little bit.

A bouncy castle sounds like a great idea. Maybe later in the summer when the parents will be more than happy to have someone else anyone!! supervise the children for the afternoon.

Groovee Sat 20-Jul-13 14:41:34

Hopefully it will blow over and it's just the children being odd. If not I would pull mum up about it.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Sat 20-Jul-13 14:40:42

She might, rightly or wrongly, be worried that your DS is a bit of a bad influence IF she heard her DS call your DS a knobhead in retaliation. It doesnt sound like that at all to me, but that could be the thought process going on in her brain.

She could just be as a pp said just giving everything a bit of space and time. It will all blow over then they will argue over who has got the sword/gun/football/doll etc

Micklinge Sat 20-Jul-13 14:38:50

Thanks everyone for your support and kind words. Worry it does feel like a WW and you are a legend on here :-)

DialsMavis Sat 20-Jul-13 14:38:13

My DS currently hates next doors kids with a passion and is never, ever going to play with them ever again. It will blow over.... The other mum shouldn't have got involved, but are you 100% sure that the mum has banned your DC, rather than the other DC not wanting them to play?

Mintyy Sat 20-Jul-13 14:35:48

I am afraid I would be a bit precious about protecting my 8 year old dd from someone who called her a bitch.

WorraLiberty Sat 20-Jul-13 14:35:14

You're allowed to write bitch too grin

WorraLiberty Sat 20-Jul-13 14:34:28

I agree, time will probably see it blow over.

That's what kids are like, these things blow over until the next row that causes WW3.

HotCrossPun Sat 20-Jul-13 14:33:00

You don't need to censor swearwords.

You are allowed to write knobhead.

HotCrossPun Sat 20-Jul-13 14:31:01

I can understand why you are upset.

The other mum has to respect her little girls feelings though. If she is a bit younger than your DS, then she may be scared/upset still.

I'd give it a bit of time.

Micklinge Sat 20-Jul-13 14:30:29

The other girl is 8. In retaliation her big brother who's also 11 did call my DS a n*bhe*d. But I was hoping that they could become friends with having the same interests (computers).

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