Or is everyone's life like this?

(24 Posts)
skyblue11 Sat 20-Jul-13 11:00:05

I am finding it hard to keep it together right now for a number of reasons.

Basically, my Mum is in the early stages of Dementia and is being obstructive in accepting help from outside agencies, my brother is disabled and in supported living he goes from one crisis to another with his health and behaviour and I am the one who is responsible now Mum can't be, then we have my DH who need support as he is being interviewed for his job and may lose it next week, so he's stressed out taking it out on me, to top it all my job is insecure and pressured and I actually (maybe stupidly) turned down a good job knowing I had to support my family.

So I was wondering does everyone have issues to deal with like this, is this normal (whatever that is!) as I feel I am the one who has to stay calm to support everyone else with whatever their needs are, I know it's up to me to be stronger but I just feel weighted with all of this..

EatYourCrusts Sat 20-Jul-13 11:05:02

Sometimes life is like that. Life can be hard work.
flowers

skyblue11 Sat 20-Jul-13 11:08:11

Thanks for the flowers Eat your...
It wouldn't be so bad if it were sometimes but when it's been for a very long time it grinds you down..

WynkenBlynkenandNod Sat 20-Jul-13 11:11:03

You have a lot to be dealing with. I've had a nightmare with my Mum, Brother and jobs this week and have felt at times I have been losing my grip on things.

If have a moment and would like to talk to others going through similar things please join us over here

Dorris83 Sat 20-Jul-13 11:11:25

skyblue no my life is not as difficult as yours right now. O am lucky right now, but in the future perhaps i woll be on a similar position, i don't know.

It sounds like you are supporting a lot of people and I hope that you have someone in your life who can offer you some support if you need it.

It sounds like you are very pragmatic about it and I'm wishing you some good luck

Bluecarrot Sat 20-Jul-13 11:14:41

Is there any support for you as a carer available? Vague recollections of carers allowance? And are you able to get any help with physical day to day care of your mum if she deteriorates further?

I can't imagine the stress you are under right now and wish I could give you better advice!

WynkenBlynkenandNod Sat 20-Jul-13 11:17:06

Who had been involved so far with your Mum's care ? It's so hard when they won't accept help as you sit around waiting for a crisis to happen and you sound like you have enough of that with your Brother.

quesadilla Sat 20-Jul-13 11:18:37

sky I think life is like this for a lot of people. My mum also has dementia so I understand your situation.

Its the people like you - and my dad, who has suddenly been forced to care for my mum - who get dumped in the middle.

What I would say is make sure you are as easy on yourself as you can be, ask for help and don't be ashamed of this.

Have you considered counselling? You need as much support as you can get to deal with this stress...

Hope things get better.

skyblue11 Sat 20-Jul-13 11:20:32

Ah Bluecarrot..I don't think there is, she won't let anyone in her house as she doesn't want it but she's happy to let me shop, clean and wash for her. Financially Attendance allowance isn't available as she can (at the moment) dress, wash (in a fashion) eat do most other things for herself. I find the expectation hard that she knows I have a day off on Wednesdays but it always seems to involve doing stuff for others. The other week I had a day out with my friend, I can't tell you how guilty I felt...
TBH I try not to bore others (at work) with my issues and I don't have many friends.

magimedi Sat 20-Jul-13 11:21:35

The early stages of dementia are awful for the carers. It's a minefield as to which side of the line to tread to keep the sufferer's dignity & independence & still protect them. I think it's one of the hardest things to cope with & I can only offer you my sympathy (my mum had dementia) & echo wynken's suggestion about chatting to people on th eother thread.

(I am not there ,a as my mum died 15 years ago).

flowers

Teamjavert Sat 20-Jul-13 11:25:48

You may know about this already,but if not The Talking Point Alzheimer's forum]] is a great resource for carers. I found it very helpful when I was a carer for my grandmother. There's lots of good advice there,and it 's also a good place for venting.

LineRunner Sat 20-Jul-13 11:26:11

We have a massive load of crises going on in my family at the moment and the rule of thumb (so that we survive, basically) is: everyone treats each other as kindly and pleasantly as they can, and everyone takes as much responsibility for themselves as they can, and everyone asks for help when they need it.

Otherwise there is the possibility of everything being dumped onto one person, as seems to have happened to you, OP, and it's not fair and it's not sustainable.

And you need to ask for as much professional help as you can get. You deserve it. Good luck. flowers

skyblue11 Sat 20-Jul-13 11:27:05

quesadilla... I had CBT when Dad died of dememtia 2 years ago, I am still grieving for him too. CBT is expensive and TBH I need to take control myself only I can do it just sometimes I get down..do you get any support for you with your Mum?

Wynken....so far the GP has asked for a full needs assessment, she kind of had a rehabilitation type of assessment, all sorts of help was offered, hearing aids, help with someone to come and cook her a meal (cos she can't be bothered to do that), help with cleaning the house etc help with having an alarm if she were to fall but she can't cope and says it's all too much for her having strangers in her home, little things become blown out of all proportion with her, she refused a falls assessment yesterday....

absentmindeddooooodles Sat 20-Jul-13 11:28:35

I can sympathise. At the moment, ds is going through diagnosis for ADHD/as/autism. Dp has lost his job and having surgery this week so won't be able to even Cary on with his temporary job for at least 2 months. Can't keep up mortgage payments. My mum has been made redundant so trying to help out there.D's dad has quit work so no maintinence payments. Have an ongoing health issue myself which totally saps energy. Its all bloody hard work, but one day it will all get better.

I can't imagine how hard it must be for you dealing with your mum and brother. Try to be strong. If you can get away for an hour....just on your own, it may help your sanity a little. I find this helps for me on the very odd occasion that I manage it!

I really hope things improve for you. Its bloody tough when it all lands on you, but it will get better. Try and find some support with your mums dementia. There's are forums and people out there who can offer great advice. X

skyblue11 Sat 20-Jul-13 11:34:08

absentminded.....you too have so much going on flowers I know all about Autism, my brother has Aspergers also health issues (as do I forgot to mention that one, wonder if you have same as me I'm hypothyroid saps my energy too) Must be hard dealing with the finance stuff, speak with your mortgage provider asap. Hope the surgery goes well.

absentmindeddooooodles Sat 20-Jul-13 11:44:41

Thanks sky. Autism/as is such a tough thing to deal with sometimes. My ds is only 2.4 but already benn asked to leave 2 nurserys due to bad behaviour. Its ridiculous. He can't function that well bless him, but nobody seems to take you seriously even after top specialists have said what's what!

I'm still in the process of having tests for thyroid etc. But that's what's suspected. Again not very nice eh??

The thing I try and keep in mind is that all the bad bits seem to come at once....so even though its crap right now....things can only get better!!!

I'd send flowers and a big ol glass of wine if I knew how to ( useless)

Abra1d Sat 20-Jul-13 11:49:09

COmmiserations, OP. My father became very ill and my mother needed lots of emotional and physical support just as my husband lost his job and I had to take on more freelance work: all coming at unpredictable times with urgent deadliens. Some days I just felt as though my head would explode and couldn't understand how it had happened that I was the only person who could fulfil all these roles simultaneously. Things quietened down a bit, fortunately, but it was grim. I hope things work out for you all.

Shellywelly1973 Sat 20-Jul-13 11:51:27

I get where your coming from...

One day at a time. Sometimes its just a morning or afternoon at a time.

This will pass, it will change.

Take care of yourself.

WynkenBlynkenandNod Sat 20-Jul-13 11:54:49

There's so many people trying their best to deal with difficult situations at the moment, it's very sad.

Skyblue we're a bit further down the line with Mum than you are. She's in a flat in a CH awaiting a case conference deciding whether she can go home with in Live in Carers as she wants but she doesn't now have capacity in this area. I've fallen our with my Brother over this and it has all been a nightmare.

Things I would do are keep a diary of phone calls, things you'be been doing. I worked out when Mum was funny about the Carers, the more I did the more I was enabling her to refuse Carers so stepped back as best I could - easier said than done and not possible totally but I did a bit.

We then ended up in a situation where she fell/was I'll and wouldn't press the button as she only wanted me, this was recently. It is ok to not do the things your Mum wants, you have arranged support for her. My Mum now thinks I'm evil, plotting against her and doesn't want me involved in her care so I am taking a week off as she is in good hands for now.

The Psychiatrist said to me when Mum was diagnosed that he would be honest, it would be very hard for me and he often has to write prescriptions for anti depressants in my position. It was very hard to hear at the time but has made me realise I can't change the situation with Mum but I can protect my own mental health which I am doing.

quoteunquote Sat 20-Jul-13 12:24:40

I do think that everyone has these sort of things in their lives,

I think it is normal and just yet another part of life.

imademarion Sat 20-Jul-13 12:35:30

The other week I had a day out with my friend, I can't tell you how guilty I felt

I don't have direct experience of what you are coping with, but I went through a horrible time with a family member that had everyone swept up in crisis after crisis for almost three years. It was unspeakable.

The excellent family therapist said that we had one main responsibility and that was to look after ourselves. If we are not healthy and happy, we will do more harm than good to the people we care for.

It feels odd and wrong to start with as women generally have been brought up to put others first, but you sound as though you need to start caring for yourself.

Without guilt. Practice having nice days until they feel like normal and not wrong. I wish someone had good me that a long time ago.

Good luck.

PoodleFlavouredFreddos Sat 20-Jul-13 12:42:28

A lot of people have difficult issues to face in thier lives, but that does not make it fair nor easy, and having to sacrifice yourself for the health and to help others is difficult.

I am on another site, which has a forum for carers and the adage there is 'look after yourself first'. You cannot be expected to care for your mum, your brother and your DH if you are not attending to your needs, which range beyond just food and sleep - a social life and time away to recharge and restock is an extensive part of this. I do understand why you'd feel guilty having a day out with a friend but that guilt is unfounded.

Try and put time aside each day, if you can, for ten minutes with a cup of tea and peace and quiet just to acknowledge your emotions, and at least once a week have a few hours or the whole day off from the responsibility.

It is okay to put yourself first, and it will be very hard for you to continue to cope with the huge pressure you are under without it.

I am sorry there is so much going on for you right now. Just one of these situations would be hugely stressful, so I am not surprised you feel pretty awful with all of it at once.

Thinking of you, and I really hope your DH keeps his job

flowers

ariane5 Sat 20-Jul-13 13:10:15

I can sympathise. We have one crisis after another here and horrible day to day stuff to deal with as dcs are disabled.

You sound like you have a lot of responsibility just on your shoulders, do you have a local carers group and you should see the gp for a carers assessment.
Try to be kind to yourself and don't feel guilty if you have a day off-you need to look after yourself too.

skyblue11 Sat 20-Jul-13 14:37:59

Oh there are so many lovely people on here and as I see I am not alone in the whole caring/responsibility thing. I wondered as my colleagues seem to have lives where they don't have any family issues, mine have been going on for years.

Absentminded....seems we have a lot in common, I would say about the hypo the meds (when you eventually take them) take a while to work so don't give up on feeling better though I am never 100% so I am looking into trying some different medication which is successful in the US, I have a battle on my hands with the GP though, they know v little about hypo issues, if your blood range is OK then they think you are, it's about how you feel though.Oh, I forgot to ask, why do you keep a diary? do you think I should too?

Wynken....I understand your situation, hard to pull back I know but I do wonder what she'd do without my help, I know it would cost her a lot of her savings and I'd feel bad about that. She is stubborn as a mule but I do feel so sorry for her. She has withdrawn socially from everyone and I always feel like she doesn't want me there, waiting for me to go. We have an appointment with the memory nurse at home next week, she is adamant she has no problems but she is always struggling to find the right words and she scored low on the memory test not knowing what day/year it was. It makes it esp hard as Dad died from dementia 2 1/2 years ago and I know how bad that was and she was there for him so I don't know what we'll do, plus she has a lung nodule which they are montoring so we are not sure where she's at healthwise, she is always in so much pain.

Imademarion and poodle....really good advice, thank you re a carers assessment I am not sure as I tend to do lots of drop ins rather than hands on care and with working it's hard to attend groups. I will try to give myself a little time, thank you.

Thanks for all your kind words, it's helpful.

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