to think their grandson should come first?

(59 Posts)
ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 00:45:26

More of a wwyd than an aibu!

ILs have a dog. A big one, a lovely big thing but who is big enough to knock me over, gets up on furniture and growls if people are cuddling :/ We have a baby due in November and we discussed between ourselves what we should say in order to reach a compromise when we visit. We understand that the dog is in his territory and needs to get accustomed to the baby etc. ILs have told us it is best we don't visit them when baby is born as the dog is there (they have a dog gate but won't use it) and it is also isn't hygienic in their house (clean it maybe?...sorry). AIBU in thinking this shouldn't be how it is? They have made it clear we aren't involving them enough in this pregnancy (they are buying the pram and we fill them in on all appointments/scans etc) but they are putting a barrier up to us visiting.

The other issue is that MIL won't be able to visit us as she is having a knee op fairly close to the birth and won't be able to climb our stairs for a while (6 flights).

I am really worried that this will result in arguments and I don't want that, it is upsetting me but at the same time I want to say it is their own fault if they can't see their grandchild for a while. I am happy to meet up out and about but can't say how long it would be until I would be able to go and sit in coffee shops, with my son I could have been out the next day but you never know.

I am getting so worked up over this. What would you say? TIA

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 11:58:50

Cocolepew. My immediate thoughts were the same but OH said I'm stubborn so I'm trying hard not to be lol. Although I may have just been even more stubborn instead, hm :/

I think I look for problems so I can fix them right away rather then at the time, which is a time I'll want to enjoy.

cocolepew Sat 20-Jul-13 11:54:26

I would leave it as it is, you and DH have been more than accomodating. I would be pissed of at the comment about not being involved enough.

I wouldn't be rushing out to meet in coffee shops either tbh. If they aren't willing to put the dog out of the room for an hour why should you go out of your way for them to see the baby?

After MIL knee is better she can visit.

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 11:53:30

Sorry, missed a bit off. I said before they want more involvement. We have been giving them scan photos, texting or ringing after appointments, talking to them about home birth etc as they had questions, they are buying us a pram and other bits so I do want to include them. I don't want to not involve them in any way smile

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 11:53:13

Sorry, missed a bit off. I said before they want more involvement. We have been giving them scan photos, texting or ringing after appointments, talking to them about home birth etc as they had questions, they are buying us a pram and other bits so I do want to include them. I don't want to not involve them in any way smile

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 11:48:35

Hen, I am over thinking it, it's what I do lol. Major flaw sad

However, I haven't said I don't want them to visit, we get on ok and the plan all along was they would be here asap once we had the baby but then MIL got her op date through and so we said that it's ok, we would just take baby over there for meet and cuddle (recovery permitting). They said no due to the dog and cleanliness. That's all the issue is.

Which when I read it back is a straightforward, that's the decision. I just don't want any upset at the time I guess smile

HenWithAttitude Sat 20-Jul-13 11:41:08

OP it does sound a bit like you are over thinking this and looking for a problem. It sounds as if you will make it an issue.

They don't want you to visit immediately. You don't want to go. What is the problem?

You don't want them to visit. They can't. Where is the problem?

Skype them? Text them. E-mail pictures. Involved with minimal fuss. I can see that you're not comfortable with them and that's fine but don't blow it up bigger. Just relax and go with the flow

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 11:37:34

It's 3 floors so is that only 3 flights? Two sets of 6 or 7 for each floor. Either way, not the issue on this thread smile

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 11:34:58

Ninani. Thankyou. All points we have thought about. We won't get another mortgage at the moment which is why we are considering a buy to let option. I have known plenty of people manage on the top floor with not even a car to keep a pram in.

Don't want to derail this with our pram issue though.

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 11:28:25

MidnightScribbler, thankyou. They were my thoughts too, esp thinking the dog would be happier without a screaming baby and me not wanting a dog jumping up next to me when I'm Bfing lol.

They know their own dog though and it's their decision. I'm just worried about upsetting people I guess smile

ninani Sat 20-Jul-13 11:23:58

OP, I would be more worried about how on earth you could climb 6 flights of stairs with your baby! We "only" have 2 and I find it a huge problem.

-Personally I would not be able to open the car to take the buggy out and open it while I hold a baby with the other. Especially on a rainy day.
-I would not be able to bring heavy shopping and the baby upstairs without struggling.
-In a sling a baby is not as covered as it would be in a buggy: no umbrella or other cover against the sun or even worse would get wet in winter when it constantly rains. You can hardly put a jacket on your baby as it gets restricted on the sling. And you wouldn't be able to cover your baby with a blanket and/or a raincover against the wind. I had bought one but never used it for the same reasons sad

I do hope that you can get a better mortgage for a ground floor property!!

Growlithe Sat 20-Jul-13 11:22:31

Well they can do what they want in their own home. It's up to them how often they clean or where they let the dog. They won't have a newborn, you will. They have told you not to bring the child and the reasons why.

I'm sure they have worked out their limitations in seeing the baby, and are happy with what they have decided. It's a win win as far as I can see.

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 11:08:21

Growlithe, it's not that I particularly wanted to, just that we thought it would be easier for MIL rather then her struggling up our stairs or missing out on the first few days. It honestly was thought of with our best intentions.

Christmas was just a further conversation OH and I had. I asked him what we would do on special occasions if they don't think we should visit. That's all. It was brought here as a tongue in cheek comment about me being unreasonable, which I said myself.

Growlithe Sat 20-Jul-13 11:01:01

I can't see why you would particularly want to be going to theirs when you were establishing feeding, sore with stitches etc.

Seems to me that you have the perfect scenario as you will be keeping them at arms length for the first few weeks while you get yourself sorted.

Why are you bringing Christmas into it? Are you finding reasons to be at odds with them? Why is that?

MidniteScribbler Sat 20-Jul-13 10:58:52

Plenty of people have babies and dogs in the same room. Shutting the dog away could make it think its being punished and your ILs are right it IS the dogs home

Yes, plenty of people do have dogs and babies in the same room. I had five and a litter of puppies in the same room DS was a baby. Still do most of the time.

But my dogs also understand that they are lower in the pecking order than any other human. Dog crates really are a dog owners best friend. If people are coming to visit, you can put the dog in with their favourite blanket and a nice bone to chew on. Visitors can relax (and not have a ball dropped in their lap every five seconds), I don't have to worry about the dogs being hurt by over enthusiastic children, or worry about doors/gates being left open, and the dog gets some quiet time with a bone. Problem sorted. Because the dog sees the crate as their den, it's not punishment, it's just going to their safe place. All my dogs have one, and the doors are open 90% of the time, and DS is being taught not to go near them. It gives the dogs a chance to step away when DS is being rowdy, and I also feed them in there, so I know that DS is not going to try and take food from them (and stops them pinching each others food as well!).

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 10:42:05

Christmas was just an example of a time they may expect us to visit after saying we can't. But yes, they can come here.

Thankyou MissMarple smile Smile and nod is a good way forward xx

MissMarplesBloomers Sat 20-Jul-13 10:14:25

Sorry missed out the paragraph I intended to write saying your baby your rules, sorry you & your baby are the important ones here not their dog.

MissMarplesBloomers Sat 20-Jul-13 10:13:09

Your baby is the perfect excuse not to go over to see them, plus the dog issue.

If they want to see you at Christmas then they can come to you surely? Or you go over sometime before or after the actual day & have a nice family Christmas Day together.

As others have said its OH's parent let him deal with them & just smile & nod & enjoy your family.

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 10:11:18

I am also worried about family lunches etc if his nan moans about me feeding.

I think I just have an ability to worry about things, even future problems we MAY encounter lol

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 10:07:15

I suppose a quick meet up and cuddle is a reasonable thing? I had it in my head that meeting in town would be long coffee/lunch etc I suppose. If I am up to it...and MIL also with her knee. Same as if we were in hospital, didn't think of that actually.

Nerfmother Sat 20-Jul-13 10:02:19

God I'd avoid it like the plague! Find a nice costa for half an hour!

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 10:01:17

I think I was a bit put out to be told we meed to make more of an effort after saying to OH that we would go there instead of mil struggling with stairs/missing out but then told we shouldn't visit them.

But when read like that, yes I take that point. It does sound weird from my pov.

I'm also not sure why a dog has been encouraged to growl at people, I can't even cuddle my son as he gets a bit unsettled when the dog growls at us. But that's not the issue here, tangent lol.

Nerfmother Sat 20-Jul-13 09:52:08

I'm really confused. It sounds totally unsuitable - smelly, dirty and with a huge dog clambering around. If mil was I insisting you visited, I'd be cross on your behalf. But you seem to want to force them the let you visit? Weird.
After a knee op maybe cleaning and restraining a large dog feels like effort?

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 09:38:29

Yes. Well, obviously she has a knee problem but it was like it before that happened. Fil was off work following a suspension for months too but no health reason.

Not saying I'm a domestic goddess lol.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Sat 20-Jul-13 09:34:34

Are they generally fit and healthy? Just wondering if their is an underlying reason for the skankiness of the house?

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 09:28:47

Thetoys..sorry, not sure how to quote :/

The cleaning thing is weird lol. There is dog hair everywhere and as they keep the windows and blinds closed, it smells and is stuffy. Don't get me erong, you could smell that we had a dog but this is overwhelming.

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