to think their grandson should come first?

(59 Posts)
ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 00:45:26

More of a wwyd than an aibu!

ILs have a dog. A big one, a lovely big thing but who is big enough to knock me over, gets up on furniture and growls if people are cuddling :/ We have a baby due in November and we discussed between ourselves what we should say in order to reach a compromise when we visit. We understand that the dog is in his territory and needs to get accustomed to the baby etc. ILs have told us it is best we don't visit them when baby is born as the dog is there (they have a dog gate but won't use it) and it is also isn't hygienic in their house (clean it maybe?...sorry). AIBU in thinking this shouldn't be how it is? They have made it clear we aren't involving them enough in this pregnancy (they are buying the pram and we fill them in on all appointments/scans etc) but they are putting a barrier up to us visiting.

The other issue is that MIL won't be able to visit us as she is having a knee op fairly close to the birth and won't be able to climb our stairs for a while (6 flights).

I am really worried that this will result in arguments and I don't want that, it is upsetting me but at the same time I want to say it is their own fault if they can't see their grandchild for a while. I am happy to meet up out and about but can't say how long it would be until I would be able to go and sit in coffee shops, with my son I could have been out the next day but you never know.

I am getting so worked up over this. What would you say? TIA

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 08:56:35

Aworryingtrend, pushchair in back of car, sling if possible for quick trips like local shops. Hoping to move mortgage to a buy to let and rent somewhere else next year, just until we can get a bigger mortgage.

Nooka, we visit them once a week but can see them twice a week if they have planned a family lunch. Well we were going over once a week at my insistence to OH, so B could develop a relationship with them and we could catch up on the pregnancy etc but since I was told in a text that I need to make more effort to to involve them we resent it a little bit. Day out planned next week though smile

Thanks for the replies again. As I said, happy to meet up elsewhere, it's the initial few days I was worried about. They have made it clear that obviously they want to see us right away and I don't want anyone to be upset or disappointed. Like I said, with B I could have been in town the next day but may not feel up to it this time, but that is something I can't do anything about until I know.
I have suggested to OH that we meet at his home nan's. Good idea but will be sent upstairs to feed which is fine, their house but MIL won't see much if baby :/

Hopefully I'm overthinking it all and things will just slot into place smile

Would she be more amenable about shutting the dog out if she knew that you were only going to be dropping in for a short time rather than for the entire day. I'm a bit hmm about why you might be ok to go to her house for a visit immediately after the birth, but not to go anywhere else.

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 09:11:40

Of course I wouldn't expect them to rehome their dog.

Not sure why I would.

Yes it is sensible, maybe I'm just worrying too much about keeping everyone happy. Yes it is hypothetical, but you can still worry about hypothetical things.

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 09:16:49

Justforlaughs, feeding being established, not being happy feeding out so soon although may feel fine. If I tear and need a comfier seat (they have a sofa as opposed to a coffee shop seat. All hypothetical of course, might feel fine.

We wouldn't go all day, it's only ever an hour or two but we just assumed that as she won't be able to climb our stairs we would attempt to go there instead so they can meet the baby.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Sat 20-Jul-13 09:17:28

Plenty of people have babies and dogs in the same room. Shutting the dog away could make it think its being punished and your ILs are right it IS the dogs home.

We didnt dream of separating our dog from the DCs when they are born. The DCs adore our dog and the dog loves them, no horrific things happened.

Just be vigilant. Thats all you need to do.

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 09:17:50

Justforlaughs, feeding being established, not being happy feeding out so soon although may feel fine. If I tear and need a comfier seat (they have a sofa as opposed to a coffee shop seat. All hypothetical of course, might feel fine.

We wouldn't go all day, it's only ever an hour or two but we just assumed that as she won't be able to climb our stairs we would attempt to go there instead so they can meet the baby.

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 09:22:42

Sorry for duplicate post there!

I love having dogs around, we had one when B was small. Yes it is the dogs home, I said before that I understand the need for the dog to be involved. I think it's more the telling us they want to be more involved and then saying we can't visit due to the dog and the cleanliness.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Sat 20-Jul-13 09:24:54

Oh think I misunderstood.

It sounds more like they just CBA to clean the house rather than the dog. Weird confused

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 09:24:56

She might be able to struggle up the stairs after a knee replacement, we just thought it would be easier if we just got in the car and went there. It's ten minutes away.

Also means we can leave when we want lol.

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 09:28:47

Thetoys..sorry, not sure how to quote :/

The cleaning thing is weird lol. There is dog hair everywhere and as they keep the windows and blinds closed, it smells and is stuffy. Don't get me erong, you could smell that we had a dog but this is overwhelming.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Sat 20-Jul-13 09:34:34

Are they generally fit and healthy? Just wondering if their is an underlying reason for the skankiness of the house?

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 09:38:29

Yes. Well, obviously she has a knee problem but it was like it before that happened. Fil was off work following a suspension for months too but no health reason.

Not saying I'm a domestic goddess lol.

Nerfmother Sat 20-Jul-13 09:52:08

I'm really confused. It sounds totally unsuitable - smelly, dirty and with a huge dog clambering around. If mil was I insisting you visited, I'd be cross on your behalf. But you seem to want to force them the let you visit? Weird.
After a knee op maybe cleaning and restraining a large dog feels like effort?

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 10:01:17

I think I was a bit put out to be told we meed to make more of an effort after saying to OH that we would go there instead of mil struggling with stairs/missing out but then told we shouldn't visit them.

But when read like that, yes I take that point. It does sound weird from my pov.

I'm also not sure why a dog has been encouraged to growl at people, I can't even cuddle my son as he gets a bit unsettled when the dog growls at us. But that's not the issue here, tangent lol.

Nerfmother Sat 20-Jul-13 10:02:19

God I'd avoid it like the plague! Find a nice costa for half an hour!

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 10:07:15

I suppose a quick meet up and cuddle is a reasonable thing? I had it in my head that meeting in town would be long coffee/lunch etc I suppose. If I am up to it...and MIL also with her knee. Same as if we were in hospital, didn't think of that actually.

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 10:11:18

I am also worried about family lunches etc if his nan moans about me feeding.

I think I just have an ability to worry about things, even future problems we MAY encounter lol

MissMarplesBloomers Sat 20-Jul-13 10:13:09

Your baby is the perfect excuse not to go over to see them, plus the dog issue.

If they want to see you at Christmas then they can come to you surely? Or you go over sometime before or after the actual day & have a nice family Christmas Day together.

As others have said its OH's parent let him deal with them & just smile & nod & enjoy your family.

MissMarplesBloomers Sat 20-Jul-13 10:14:25

Sorry missed out the paragraph I intended to write saying your baby your rules, sorry you & your baby are the important ones here not their dog.

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 10:42:05

Christmas was just an example of a time they may expect us to visit after saying we can't. But yes, they can come here.

Thankyou MissMarple smile Smile and nod is a good way forward xx

MidniteScribbler Sat 20-Jul-13 10:58:52

Plenty of people have babies and dogs in the same room. Shutting the dog away could make it think its being punished and your ILs are right it IS the dogs home

Yes, plenty of people do have dogs and babies in the same room. I had five and a litter of puppies in the same room DS was a baby. Still do most of the time.

But my dogs also understand that they are lower in the pecking order than any other human. Dog crates really are a dog owners best friend. If people are coming to visit, you can put the dog in with their favourite blanket and a nice bone to chew on. Visitors can relax (and not have a ball dropped in their lap every five seconds), I don't have to worry about the dogs being hurt by over enthusiastic children, or worry about doors/gates being left open, and the dog gets some quiet time with a bone. Problem sorted. Because the dog sees the crate as their den, it's not punishment, it's just going to their safe place. All my dogs have one, and the doors are open 90% of the time, and DS is being taught not to go near them. It gives the dogs a chance to step away when DS is being rowdy, and I also feed them in there, so I know that DS is not going to try and take food from them (and stops them pinching each others food as well!).

Growlithe Sat 20-Jul-13 11:01:01

I can't see why you would particularly want to be going to theirs when you were establishing feeding, sore with stitches etc.

Seems to me that you have the perfect scenario as you will be keeping them at arms length for the first few weeks while you get yourself sorted.

Why are you bringing Christmas into it? Are you finding reasons to be at odds with them? Why is that?

ems1910 Sat 20-Jul-13 11:08:21

Growlithe, it's not that I particularly wanted to, just that we thought it would be easier for MIL rather then her struggling up our stairs or missing out on the first few days. It honestly was thought of with our best intentions.

Christmas was just a further conversation OH and I had. I asked him what we would do on special occasions if they don't think we should visit. That's all. It was brought here as a tongue in cheek comment about me being unreasonable, which I said myself.

Growlithe Sat 20-Jul-13 11:22:31

Well they can do what they want in their own home. It's up to them how often they clean or where they let the dog. They won't have a newborn, you will. They have told you not to bring the child and the reasons why.

I'm sure they have worked out their limitations in seeing the baby, and are happy with what they have decided. It's a win win as far as I can see.

ninani Sat 20-Jul-13 11:23:58

OP, I would be more worried about how on earth you could climb 6 flights of stairs with your baby! We "only" have 2 and I find it a huge problem.

-Personally I would not be able to open the car to take the buggy out and open it while I hold a baby with the other. Especially on a rainy day.
-I would not be able to bring heavy shopping and the baby upstairs without struggling.
-In a sling a baby is not as covered as it would be in a buggy: no umbrella or other cover against the sun or even worse would get wet in winter when it constantly rains. You can hardly put a jacket on your baby as it gets restricted on the sling. And you wouldn't be able to cover your baby with a blanket and/or a raincover against the wind. I had bought one but never used it for the same reasons sad

I do hope that you can get a better mortgage for a ground floor property!!

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