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AIBU?

to think their grandson should come first?

58 replies

ems1910 · 20/07/2013 00:45

More of a wwyd than an aibu!

ILs have a dog. A big one, a lovely big thing but who is big enough to knock me over, gets up on furniture and growls if people are cuddling :/ We have a baby due in November and we discussed between ourselves what we should say in order to reach a compromise when we visit. We understand that the dog is in his territory and needs to get accustomed to the baby etc. ILs have told us it is best we don't visit them when baby is born as the dog is there (they have a dog gate but won't use it) and it is also isn't hygienic in their house (clean it maybe?...sorry). AIBU in thinking this shouldn't be how it is? They have made it clear we aren't involving them enough in this pregnancy (they are buying the pram and we fill them in on all appointments/scans etc) but they are putting a barrier up to us visiting.

The other issue is that MIL won't be able to visit us as she is having a knee op fairly close to the birth and won't be able to climb our stairs for a while (6 flights).

I am really worried that this will result in arguments and I don't want that, it is upsetting me but at the same time I want to say it is their own fault if they can't see their grandchild for a while. I am happy to meet up out and about but can't say how long it would be until I would be able to go and sit in coffee shops, with my son I could have been out the next day but you never know.

I am getting so worked up over this. What would you say? TIA

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ems1910 · 20/07/2013 00:46

Just to add, I love dogs and it wasn't sarcasm when I said he is a lovely big thing!

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babyhmummy01 · 20/07/2013 00:48

In part I think they are being sensible, they know the dog is s threat to baby and in their eyes are protecting it from the dog, but can see your point.

Could you suggest that the dog be shut in another room when you visit so they can be involved

WestieMamma · 20/07/2013 00:49

I wouldn't say anything. They have said it's best you don't visit with a new baby because of the dog. So don't visit. Wait for them to come to you.

ems1910 · 20/07/2013 00:53

In part I think they are being sensible, they know the dog is s threat to baby and in their eyes are protecting it from the dog, but can see your point.

Could you suggest that the dog be shut in another room when you visit so they can be involved

Thankyou for the replies.

That is the compromise we wanted to approach them with, let the dog meet baby and get to know there is no threat and then maybe be put in the kitchen behind their dog gate. It would have full run of 2 rooms in there and access to the garden but FIL says no as it is the dog's house.

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ems1910 · 20/07/2013 00:53

Oops, clearly not used to quoting yet!

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ems1910 · 20/07/2013 00:54

WestieMamma, that is what part of me is thinking but the other part of me gets upset at the thought of arguments happening because of it. OH says not to worry but I am a worrier lol

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WestieMamma · 20/07/2013 01:00

But what is there to argue about? You'd be following their instructions. If they then start getting upset that you're not taking the baby to visit, take the baby to visit on the proviso that the dog is shut away. But let your OH deal with it, they're his parents so he should sort it out.

Floralnomad · 20/07/2013 01:01

I can't see where arguments will arise ,they're told you not to take the baby to theirs and its hardly your fault if they can't access your home . Its their choice to limit their access to the baby so they have little to argue about .

ems1910 · 20/07/2013 01:07

True. I guess I just feel they haven't thought it through that MIL won't be able to get up our stairs (no lift either). We are having a home birth too hopefully so no chance of a hospital visit either.

His mum has recently been upset as I won't let them have B (not OHs) when I am in labour. I have of course, said to them that they will be on the list of people to watch him but it is set up that my mum comes here when I am in labour and takes him/sits with him/whatever happens. I think I don't want to rock the boat anymore and make them more upset.

Don't know what it wrong with me, I never used to care so much! lol!

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ems1910 · 20/07/2013 01:11

OH has spoken to them, he said it seemed a bit like the dog comes first over their grandson and she didn't really reply so OH is of the opinion that it's up to them. They won't put the dog away. I am wondering what the unhygienic part is about, just clean the house! lol!

I am being unreasonable though in the fact that I have said that they can't keep us and the baby at arms length and then demand us there for Christmas etc. OH also said that if the house isn't clean enough for a baby then it isn't clean enough for B (6) so we won't take him over either :/

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ems1910 · 20/07/2013 01:12

Of course, I could feel fine the day after, baby could be feeding like a pro and I may want to go sit in a coffee shop somewhere, you never know!

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Floralnomad · 20/07/2013 01:20

Well if they want you to visit at Christmas they'll still have to lock the dog away so that probably won't happen .if I were you I'd stop worrying about them ,you obviously have the full support of your OH so let him deal with any problems with his family .

babyhmummy01 · 20/07/2013 01:21

Leave them to.it hun. Sounds like mil will make it awkward whatever you do.

Let them have their way. You have tried to amend the situation and they aren't bothered so their issue not yours. Enjoy your pregnancy and new baby and bugger them

ems1910 · 20/07/2013 01:24

I know you are right, I know and I think I knew before I posted. I think I wanted to hear that it's ok to think sod them! lol.

If they say at christmas that they will lock the dog away for us I am afraid my unreasonable head will tell them to bugger off. If we can't visit any other time then why should they demand christmas? See, IABU. lol.

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babyhmummy01 · 20/07/2013 01:32

Nope still perfectly reasonable to me. My.parents smoke and I have told them if they expect me to take baby round then they smoke outside and away from her or its no baby visits. They want contact so have agreed...a heck of a lit easier conversation that I expected tbh

ems1910 · 20/07/2013 01:44

Maybe that will happen here once they realise then they will reach a compromise. I appreciate it's their house but I just find it a bit sad really.

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MidniteScribbler · 20/07/2013 01:45

I do say that this is my dogs house and if you don't like it, don't visit, but in reality, I do put my dogs away when I have guests that have children. It's more to protect my dogs lol. It is your MILs choice, you can't force her, but you can decide not to visit and she doesn't get to sulk. Just tell her you'll meet her at a coffeeshop or picnic in the park. The ball is in her court then.

ems1910 · 20/07/2013 01:52

There wasn't even a we can decide option, they have said it's best not to go over. They discussed it apparently. I would say that it's FIL more than MIL. I used to put my dog behind a dog gate but also like you, more to protect him too lol!

Meeting up out is on the cards for later, no problem but it's the initial few days/week I'm worried about. You're right though, she can't sulk about it!

Thankyou all :)

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nooka · 20/07/2013 02:15

Generally I'd say that a very small baby that's unlikely to be out of anyone's arms during a visit is unlikely to be an issue with a dog (toddlers being another matter), but from your description it does sound possible that there could be difficulties. So not visiting for a while does sound sensible, and then maybe introductions in a neutral place.

How often would you otherwise expect to see your ILs? I think I saw mine maybe two or three times in ds's first year! How about meeting at another family members house whilst your MIL is struggling with the stairs? I doubt very much that you will be wanting to spend Christmas with them this year in any case as your baby will be very small and you will probably be glad for the excuse to stay at home!

Justforlaughs · 20/07/2013 07:38

My DD is nearly 5 and my MIL still doesn't want her to visit because of the dog. My other DCs can go round whenever they like (they are older and bigger) but 4yo will just get knocked over by dog. I agree with her decision and am glad that we are on the same wavelength, we meet up in various other places, sometimes here but more often than not in playareas, mother and toddler groups etc. Your ILs are probably bothered by the media coverage given to unexpected dog attacks on young children and just want to protect your baby. Make an effort to make sure that they have every opportunity to see your DC, wherever that might be. Even in the early days, it shouldn't be out of the question to go somewhere together (barring health difficulties of course), giving birth doesn't mean that you are tied to the house well, of course you are tied while you are actually GIVING birth, .

MommyBird · 20/07/2013 08:04

My inlaws have 2 staffies.
Made it very clear that we don't want dogs round baby, she ignored this and went behind our back now (for other reasons too) our daughter doesn't go to their house.

So i know how you feel. feels like the dog has gone before their grandchild.
Atleast she has told you what will happen so there wil be no going behind your back. its their loss just think of it like that

MortifiedAdams · 20/07/2013 08:10

You could meet her out and about places?

Tbh I think its great she has said what she has - better than her insisting you go there and leaving the dog out and you having to fend it off.

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Aworryingtrend · 20/07/2013 08:12

The dog issue aside- how will you manage with a pushchair if you live 6 flights up with no lift?

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/07/2013 08:48

What they've said sounds sensible actually.

Not sure what you expect them to do,rehome the dog?

I would imagine that once your baby has arrived that may change their mind a bit (also may stand firm though). This is all hypothetical at the moment after all.

ems1910 · 20/07/2013 08:56

Aworryingtrend, pushchair in back of car, sling if possible for quick trips like local shops. Hoping to move mortgage to a buy to let and rent somewhere else next year, just until we can get a bigger mortgage.

Nooka, we visit them once a week but can see them twice a week if they have planned a family lunch. Well we were going over once a week at my insistence to OH, so B could develop a relationship with them and we could catch up on the pregnancy etc but since I was told in a text that I need to make more effort to to involve them we resent it a little bit. Day out planned next week though :)

Thanks for the replies again. As I said, happy to meet up elsewhere, it's the initial few days I was worried about. They have made it clear that obviously they want to see us right away and I don't want anyone to be upset or disappointed. Like I said, with B I could have been in town the next day but may not feel up to it this time, but that is something I can't do anything about until I know.
I have suggested to OH that we meet at his home nan's. Good idea but will be sent upstairs to feed which is fine, their house but MIL won't see much if baby :/

Hopefully I'm overthinking it all and things will just slot into place :)

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