DPs ex insisting on having MY address?

(217 Posts)
GirIFiend Fri 19-Jul-13 20:46:11

DP and I been together 10 months.

His DS who is 8 has always stayed with DP and DP's parents at their house which is where DP lived until 6 weeks ago when he moved in with me.

Last month DSS came to stay at my house to meet me and my DSes on his agreed contact weekend.

The plan was the same for this month but out of the blue DP's ex has texted saying she wants MY address or DSS will not be coming shock She says she has the right to know where her DS will be staying.

Can she insist on this?

PrettyPaperweight Sun 21-Jul-13 16:57:21

OP Now, I'd be worried and having a frank conversation with ex.

If there are personal reasons why your ex's partner needs to keep her address confidential, it suggests she may be at risk (a violent ex, maybe?) and therefore your DC would be at risk too if he's staying there.

Of course, it could be that she's fiddling benefits or similar - but now your exFIL has explained, I'd want some assurances from ex before I was comfortable.

pianodoodle Sun 21-Jul-13 16:19:59

In that case I wouldn't let him go.

Ezio Sun 21-Jul-13 15:51:24

Your ds must know where he is staying (when he's with them) if he gets lost he needs to be able to give someone the address he lives at.

^^That.

My DD is 6 and knows the number, road and village.

JackNoneReacher Sun 21-Jul-13 15:47:13

cravey its a reverse aibu.

OP personally I wouldn't send him. You could just ask your son to tell you the address after his first visit. The FIL thing really isn't satisfactory.

Your ds must know where he is staying (when he's with them) if he gets lost he needs to be able to give someone the address he lives at.

SoupDragon Sun 21-Jul-13 15:47:06

Not sure why the current g/f's 'personal reasons' trump my right and responsibility as the mother of ex's child but not sure what I can do...

Well, she may have a stalker Ex and thus doesn't give her address out to people. Can't really think of another reason though.

SoupDragon Sun 21-Jul-13 15:44:55

He has replied saying he doesn't have the address either

How has he moved in then? confused

Cravey Sun 21-Jul-13 15:44:26

Having just realised this is a reverse thing I would not under any circumstances let my child stay somewhere without me knowing where he was. Don't let our child go its simple.

Cravey Sun 21-Jul-13 15:42:36

If my 8 year old was staying in someone's home I too would want to know the address. I can't believe you even think this is wrong. Have you met the ex ? I think Yabu in fact I can't believe you think the ex is in the wrong. This is her child and ten months is not a long time to be in a child's life.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 21-Jul-13 15:41:41

You can be out if he shows up for contact if he has not provided you with an address by a few hours before collection.

GirIFiend Sun 21-Jul-13 15:38:00

Well just to update this ridiculous saga..

I tried contacting ex's dad who has always been very decent with me even when ex and I have been at loggerheads. He has replied saying he doesn't have the address either and that for personal reasons (unspecified of course) the g/f doesn't want it shared but that in an emergency he would be able to get in touch with ex for me.

I'm not happy tbh. Not sure why the current g/f's 'personal reasons' trump my right and responsibility as the mother of ex's child but not sure what I can do...

Ezio Sun 21-Jul-13 14:41:41

Has he actually even supplied DDs school with his contact details, because that would show hes a shit.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 20-Jul-13 23:02:32

Pretty,

The difference is you are talking about the odd occasion the op is talking about the usual place her child lives when on contact there are also clearly trust issues and more than likely valid ones. (Lack of previous unsupervised contact no nrp especially one whose prone to pulling shit like with holding addresses would put up with that if they knew there was no good reason).

God only knows what the consequences for failing in that are it was actually almost a word for word quote from the family law judge when my ex tried to pull the same stunt.

LookingForwardToMarch Sat 20-Jul-13 22:51:02

Depends..what kind of ex is she?

I also thought it was a reasonable request for dps ex to know my address....

That was until she turned up on my door, punched dp and got arrested. Then continued to harass me.

Now I don't care if her whole tribe comes to livr at my new house. Hell will freeze over before she gets our new address.

JackNoneReacher Sat 20-Jul-13 22:45:20

So are they planning to tell your son that he is not to tell you where he has been for the weekend? Or will they blindfold him so he can't see the house number and street name?!

I completely see why you did a reverse AIBU. There are often different responses to Mums/Dads.

PrettyPaperweight Sat 20-Jul-13 22:21:53

Its a fundamental responsibility to be aware within reason of the location of your child

What is the consequence of failing in that responsibility, sock?

I admit that I've done it for years, it never occurred to me that my DDs Dad should tell me when she spends a night at a sleepover with friends, or a weekend with grandparents hundreds of miles away.

My DP is guilty too, and I'm sure a lot of NRP are - he never knows whether his DCs are in their Mums care or someone else's; she works shifts so has a network of support - but DP is excluded from that - its reassuring to hear that the law would be on his side if he insisted on knowing where his DCs were regularly spending time.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 20-Jul-13 20:43:34

Parents don't have rights they have responsibilities.

Its a fundamental responsibility to be aware within reason of the location of your child and have on knowing where they are on a regular basis know they are safe.

StuntGirl Sat 20-Jul-13 16:58:09

He has moved house. It is only logical and sensible that he updates you with his new contact details. It matters not that the house he has moved into is his girlfriends house.

I would do the same thing as you.

Spero Sat 20-Jul-13 16:39:46

Pretty - you are quite right, people need to think hard about what stress they can handle and family court proceedings are no walk in the park. They can only ever be a last resort.

But when I was faced with an ex who did to seem to understand my perfectly reasonable requests for information about where a three year old would be and how I could get hold of him if I needed to, I do not see what other option I would have had open to me.

Fortunately someone must have spoken to him and told him not to be an arse because he eventually saw the light and now provides the information without making big song and dance about it.

SoupDragon Sat 20-Jul-13 16:29:43

I wonder how the OPs Ex would react should she state her intention to move house and not give him her new address.

PrettyPaperweight Sat 20-Jul-13 16:29:38

The stress it caused me was such that I took a hard line and simply said - you will not take our daughter out of my care overnight unless I know where she is. If he had wanted to take me to court over this I was quite comfortable as I know well how the courts would view his behaviour.

Which is why I asked the OP if it was worth it.

For you it was worth it; your circumstances meant the stress of not knowing was greater than for most people and your professional experience meant that Court was not a scary, unfamiliar place.
For others, the thought of 6+ months of family court, statements, meetings with solicitors, expense and impact on the DC is too big a price to pay for the reassurance of knowing the address the DCs stay when with their Dad.

Spero Sat 20-Jul-13 16:19:32

I agree, withholding an address can clearly impact on child's welfare.

Obvious practical example - when I was having chemo, strong chance over six months I would need urgent hospitalisation at short notice. Once my ex went to stay in relatives house over weekend, refused to give address or landline, saying I could call his mobile. Only problem was no reception at relatives house. Why on earth, if there is an emergency should there be any difficulty at all about contacting the parent who has the child. Why should my parents have to rush about ringing his sister or mother, trying to track him down. What would have been the impact on my daughter if I had been very unwell or even died and she found out at dropping off time?

You may think this is extreme or unlikely example, to which my response is - tough shit. I was primary carer, I know full well I was more responsible and pro active than my ex. I did not fear he would deliberately hurt her but I knew from previous experience that he wouldn't be too fussed if she was hungry or tired. So I did worry when she was little - now she is 8, I worry less. But if he wants to play silly games with me, I draw the line very hard and fast. I have all the stress and strains of being the main carer so he will respect that, even if he obviously neither likes nor respects me as a person.

Ad I think such disrespect for the child's other parent is harmful to the child in other ways. It causes distress to the parent who worries aout where his or her child is, that distress may well impact on parents emotional availability to the child.

It is just a bloody stupid, needless, provocative piece of nastiness, to refuse to reassure the other parent. My ex has done it to me so I have experienced this both as a lawyer and as a mother.

The stress it caused me was such that I took a hard line and simply said - you will not take our daughter out of my care overnight unless I know where she is. If he had wanted to take me to court over this I was quite comfortable as I know well how the courts would view his behaviour.

TarkaTheOtter Sat 20-Jul-13 16:19:16

waffly we only ever hear one side of the story on AIBU - does that mean no one should ever say that someone is BU or not confused. In every thread people are just adjudicating on the facts as they are presented.

PrettyPaperweight Sat 20-Jul-13 16:16:49

Being a crappy parent in the eyes of an exP isn't a good reason to withhold contact (I wish it was) - as long as the DC is safe, the law protects a DCs right to a relationship with both parents regardless.

PrettyPaperweight Sat 20-Jul-13 16:13:01

edam

A It will only cause antagonism if the OP rises to it; she can choose to ignore it, despite the intent, and the DC is not affected.
B If the DC is safe in the care of his DF, then what possible emergency could there be involving the OP that would require her son to be removed from that care?
C A parent has no legal rights regarding their DCs - the DCs have rights, not their parents.

TurnipIsTaken Sat 20-Jul-13 16:12:16

The OP's ex is being unreasonable and is putting his silly game-playing ahead of the needs of his child. That does not make him a good parent - in fact it casts doubt on his ability to understand what being a good parent is.

That.

You cannot be reasonable and sort it out with someone who is behaving unreasonably, it takes two. The mother's request is not ridiculous so why doesn't he go along with it, to ensure that contact takes place. Why should it be up to the mother to compromise if the vast majority of people think what she has asked is reasonable? It suggests that he cares more about winning than keeping things amicable for the child's sake, which makes him a crappy parent imo.

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