How can people be late everytime?

(136 Posts)
LimitedEditionLady Fri 19-Jul-13 13:40:09

AIBU to be really annoyed that my friend is literally NEVER on time?It is not even just five minutes,its usually at least an hour!

yamsareyammy Sun 21-Jul-13 07:43:42

I have noticed that habitually late people hate being "stood up" by others. That is they hate waiting for others themselves.
In fact, I think this is one of the reasons they are late themselves, so that they themselves dont have to wait for others!

FreudiansSlipper Sun 21-Jul-13 01:53:44

where did I say I am not trying to change

as for disrespecting my friends they know it's my downfall they do not see it that way because it is not intentional many of my friends are the same with their time keeping. at times it may piss them off (those who are better at time keeping) they have down falls too at times that may piss me off but we over look these and accept not everyone is perfect we have other great qualities

and as for having more tasks well yes at this point in my life I probably do (single parent, very little support, study and work) but it is not the reason

lessonsintightropes Sun 21-Jul-13 01:51:42

And yes, I have been very happy to sack people for this. I run a charity with flexi time. We need our employees, apart from those who have negotiated a different agreement, to be in between 8am and 10am, to have lunch between 12pm and 2pm, and to be able to go home between 4pm and 6pm. So very flexible in terms of childcare/other issues. I'm better in terms of my contribution at work starting around 9.30 (less tired, more functional) and routinely stay after 6, but will pick up staff who stay longer than their hours as I want to make sure they have a work life balance. If they regularly stay later then either it's a job design issue or a competence issue. If they can't regularly get their arse to work by 10 then I don't care what ever issue it is, they just can't be available to work with colleagues and therefore probably can't do the job, and I'd not lose any sleep in sacking them during probation. I apply the same logic to home, and find the excuses given by people here risable in the extreme. No sympathy - just f**king get up earlier or organise your lives better.

Bogeyface Sun 21-Jul-13 01:40:08

Been thinking more about this.

In the days of payphones, no 1471, no caller display, no mobiles then being late and not letting the waitee know was more acceptable. But now we all have mobiles. Why do late-runners never let the waitee know that they are not going to be on time? I text if I am running late by less than 5 minutes! If you suddenly realise hmm that leaving the house at 10:05am means you wont make your 10:00am coffee meet up, then fucking text me! Give me the choice between being sat there like a knob or making the most of the hour you have just "given" me!

lessonsintightropes Sun 21-Jul-13 01:29:20

The thing is, I don't really give a fuck why someone else is reliably, depressingly late. I don't care about time splits, or having left your purse, or a phone call that you could have not picked up. I don't really give a toss about your culture - my latin american and carribean and asian and british friends, or sorry the ones I choose to keep, manage to turn up. I tried so hard to convert my two 'late' friends, nearly a decade apart, and spent so much emotional energy on friendships before realising that I just couldn't be arsed to be around people who - let's be frank here - whilst not wishing to be lazy or disorganised or dismissive of the value of my time, just can't do it. And I just can't manage to, on a day to day basis, put up with it. I have family and friends who are sometimes late and rarely me too, but someone who does it all the time? Lazy, disorganised buggers, I've got better things to do with my life that sit in bars or coffee shops waiting for you and no I don't give a shit that you couldn't leave the house without painting your nails. Apologists, this is what the rest of us, probably, are thinking. We can make the effort to reliably be on time, WTAF can't you???

Bogeyface Sat 20-Jul-13 23:55:28

Scottish I have read with interest about the possible neurological reasons for some peoples lateness. I think that there are people who genuinely do have problems with time management that they cant help. Those are the people who will be consistently late for work, miss planes etc and I have the utmost sympathy for them. I know someone like this and the more I think on it, the more I think that he underlying issues.

Ma is different, she will be very very early for a plane because she is a last minute panicker. I think that is the reason for her lateness, she is fine, organised, ready to go and then for some reason she must empty the bin for example and that makes her late. She is a major control freak and I wonder if she cant cope with being controlled by someone or something else ie; someone expecting her to be on time. She must be in control of every situation, and that expectation is someone else being in control.

DSis is just thoughtless and selfish I think. She will be on time for a plane (neither early nor late), will plan her packing a week in advance because she knows that she cant do it properly later than that as she is at work. She will be on time for work, meetings, doc appointments. But would always be late meeting me because "Just popped into X shop and saw some lovely trousers I wanted to try on....." ~She is much better with me now because I made it clear how pissed off I was. She can do it, but chooses not to.

scottishmummy Sat 20-Jul-13 22:53:23

But it's selfish to not adapt behaviour if you know you under estimate
Selfish to know you keep people waiting,because wont amend under estimation
And I'm addressing those with no clinical reason for lateness.thise who can but won't change

scottishmummy Sat 20-Jul-13 22:52:41

But it's selfish to not adapt behaviour if you know you under estimate
Selfish to know you keep people waiting,because wont amend under estimation
And I'm addressing those with no clinical reason for lateness.thise who can but won't vane

Bogeyface Sat 20-Jul-13 22:49:10

My sister is like this, she knows she is a pita but doesnt seem to do anything about it. Mum is always late because she totally underestimates the time it takes her to do things, so with her at least it isnt selfish.

What annoys me the most is that mum will kick off if I am late! On a Sunday the kids go around for the afternoon, it is my only child free time so I treasure it and am usually bang on time! However, on the odd occasion I have been late she is ringing ten minutes after we should be there wanting to know where we are. My sister at least doesnt do that. The only time Dsis was on time was my wedding. I was picking her up to go back to ma's after my hair appointment, I said I would pull up, beep once, wait 1 minute and then leave. As I pulled up, she was waiting on the doorstep, she was so proud of herself although she did say she was so worried that she had been ready for over an hour. She was half an hour late on her own wedding day though!

As someone who will text if I am going to be arriving at 2:03pm instead of the 2pm arranged, I hate hate hate lateness!

Your time is not more important than mine, you are not busier than me (in the case of sis and ma I know this to be true!) and you should not take me for granted. Ma has got better since I went out once after getting sick of waiting for her grin

MollyBerry Sat 20-Jul-13 22:34:56

This annoys me so much too. It runs in my family, a complete inability to get anywhere on time. I am the total opposite and feel panicked if I feel I'm running late and am always on time. Don't know how I turned out so different to them. I think it was always turning up late to things in y childhood and continually being picked up late. I hated it and never wanted to be that way

xalyssx Sat 20-Jul-13 20:11:46

I have learning difficulties and I am 'always' late - but I know that I am like this so I am constantly trying different things to make my life run smoother, for example I needed to get to work at ten, so the latest train I could get would be the half 9, so I tried to make sure that I was ready for the 9oclock train. Also if I am being picked up by someone, I tend to ask them to arrive 15 minutes before they want to leave. If I am meeting up with someone, I say that I will be there at 5ish and I will text them when I leave and if I am running late.
These things only work if you know that you are a late person.

dubstarr73 Sat 20-Jul-13 19:55:24

What i found is telling my friend if we are to meet at 7 dont leave the house at 7.Or i get her to call me when shes waiting on the bus and i leave soon after.

I find when your late they are the very people to have a fit about being late.I wouldnt mind ive kids,she doesnt if i can be on time why cant she be.Really annoys me as well

Ipsissima Sat 20-Jul-13 19:47:58

MrsMook The family thing has an influence as it's the culture I grew up with
Not always! I love my DD dearly but she is the only person in the family who is totally incapable of getting anywhere on time. She is intelligent, highly trained and organised, but is SO bad about punctuality that her friends would tell her an event started an hour before it was actually due to kick off.....and, occasionally, she would still be late.
I despair!!

She grew up with punctuality as the norm. She is not one of the worlds scatty types - always manages to get to work on time, and annoys herself when she is running late yet again!

It just seems completely beyond her and it drives me round the bend!

3boys3dogshelp Sat 20-Jul-13 19:38:35

I used to be late for everything, not very late but a few minutes all the time. Growing up it was just how my family was and it became normal. My mum is the worst - we moved house (10 miles, 3 buses) 6 months before my gcses so I couldn't move school and I had to get a lift home. She was late EVERY day! Often 45 mins or so. I remember being sat on the pavement age 15 trying not to cry with frustration. I vowed I would never do that to my kids and so far (5 years) so good. The first few days of school I was 20 mins early but I've calmed down now! Ironically having small children has made me far more punctual in everything because I've just developed better habits and a more realistic timescale for things.

twistyfeet Sat 20-Jul-13 19:14:51

I'm agreeing with Scottishmummy. Only I'm going to add swear words.
Its fucking rude and inconsiderate. I had one friend who knows I had 3 hours because I can only bring dd into town to meet up when I have a Carer to help me. So Carer arrives and I get myself, dd (and all her oxygen, nappies, tubes etc she is 10) in her wheelchair and the Carer oonto the bus for the half an hour trip into town. The friend knows we will have 2 hours as I have to get the Carer back as she is contracted to work 3 hours only. The fucking friend shows up 1 hour and 50 mins late with her toddler claiming toddlers are difficult hmm
This friend is now an ex-friend as this happenend far too often.

scottishmummy Sat 20-Jul-13 19:08:46

Yes,that's a organisational,clinical reason why a minority are late
Most people do not fall into. That category.given majority arent on spectrum
The majority They fall into hapless,rude or can't be arsed category

tallulah Sat 20-Jul-13 19:08:10

Nagoo grin we get that as well.

Bluegrass even under those circumstances DH would leave home at 7pm. Then be surprised he was late.

Alanmoore my DH doesn't get the stressy panicky feeling when we are late. I'm the one hyperventilating because I'd planned to leave 2 hours earlier.

waityWaity Sat 20-Jul-13 19:06:04

Some people may choose to be late but a lot don't. You had it right when you said people "can't prioritise".

Prioritising things, planning and organisation are brain functions that vary between people. We're not all the same at that any more than we're all identically good at reading or maths or sports that require physical coordination.

Look up the long-term effects of traumatic brain injury (ADHD has similar symptoms). Things like depression cause problems with this too.

Even those people who aren't bad enough in this area to get diagnosed with anything still vary along a spectrum. We're not all the same.

To those people who'd end a friendship over this without a backward glance - would you do the same thing if you had a friend who couldn't read as well as you or who couldn't throw a ball as well as you?

I'm not saying people should be just let off any amount of lateness, but just bear in mind that if someone does have problems in this area, they know they're not being deliberately, thoughtlessly late, and so it may genuinely not occur to them that that's how it looks to other people.

They may just see themselves as trying hard, having the right aims even if they miss by a bit, and since they know they mean well they think it's OK, unless and until someone complains.

I should say I'm talking about people who are slightly late not so many hours late with no message sent ahead that it really can only be thoughtlessness.

There are people who are so bad at this sort of thing that to succeed they might need to spend the whole day getting ready for an appointment at 4pm, just like someone with dyslexia might take ten times as long to read a news article as a good reader needs.

Since everyone has a duty to try to be on time, then the people who are really bad at organisation and planning and time management have a duty to spend that whole day getting ready, if that's what it takes, or not make the appointment in the first place.

Once you work out that you need that much time, and that's OK, that's just you, then it's easier to put it into place. But most people don't expect you to need that much preparation time and it isn't always possible to get it given competing demands of work, family, kids and so on.

So it can become a process of muddling through juggling things badly and screwing everything up, feeling embarrassed about being late often but feeling powerless to fix it - because it really is not a case of just not caring.

scottishmummy Sat 20-Jul-13 18:34:13

I think some habitual late people think they can't help it,or it's ditzy cute
In most cases You can help it,you chose to be late.because you're thoughtless

MrsRajeshKoothrappali Sat 20-Jul-13 18:28:48

MiL thinks that it's fine to be late (up to an hour and a half) if you're meeting in a restaurant or pub and the other person has access to drinks and seating.

confused

I've even heard her say' Oh, I'll have to be late to meet XXXXXX' without her even needing to be late if she just sped up a bit.

She's a ditherer though. Gets stressed if she's 'rushed' (i.e. someone wants to leave on time) and really doesn't think it's unforgivably rude to leave someone waiting for 90 mins.

hmm

scottishmummy Sat 20-Jul-13 17:26:13

If you're habitually late for friends you're disrespecting them,rude and ditzy
I bet you don't have any more tasks than anyone ese,you simply can't prioritise
As you say habit you're not willing to break,feeling bad doesn't alter your behaviour

FreudiansSlipper Sat 20-Jul-13 14:27:11

i am nearly always late most if my friends are. its not about not respecting other people its a bad habit and i always feel bad

i am always trying to do too many things at once

plus i have a few friends that are very (but strangely never late when they make an effort) so us meeting up depends on me making the effort so i guess we both but up with the crap side of each other

it is something i am trying to not pass on to ds

and yes i have missed a plane blush but dragging a screaming toddler across stansted airport after being held up by ryan air for over 2 hours was the reason hmm

yamsareyammy Sat 20-Jul-13 14:17:55

Yes Limited, it will potentially spoil an event a couple of times.

But it depends how big a deal the current arrangement is I suppose.
As others have said, she is being rude to you.
I appreciate that you value her friendship, a lot, fair enough, but if you let the current situation continue, I suspect that ironically, it will be her that doesnt value you very much at all.

Because, in life, once a person is allowed to get away with treating another person disrespectfully, repeatedly, they dont much value them at all. Because in their heart of hearts, they come to the conclusion that the other person doesnt value themselves, so why should they.
And, ironically, she may be the one to walk away from you.

MrsMook Sat 20-Jul-13 14:00:12

I've been thinking about it and why I run late. It is for social things. Routine things like work, swimming lessons I'm not bad on, and it's because there is a pattern of doing x at a certain time through the morning until I leave the house. Social things aren't routined in the same way. What I need to pack for two infants will also vary (long gone are the days of purse, phone, keys, glasses, go). I also notice that the mornings that I start getting ready late are the ones I'm more efficient with. I do build in contingency time, but if I'm too generous with that and am running early, I end up getting distracted and am at my worst. Social things are where the inconvenience of being early is greatest as my friend will be getting ready- for an appointment or transport there is a waiting area so being early is not of negative consequence. I use time at the start of the school day to do work, so the time I aim to be in for is well in advance of the time I need to be there. I am "late" by my own standards, but not by the school's.

The family thing has an influence as it's the culture I grew up with. It didn't matter how well prepared I was for getting to school when the time I got there was dictated by my mum or brother's readiness to depart. By family standards, I'm pretty good. There wasn't a social taboo attached to being late, and my friends are very similar to me so we are all patient and understanding with eachother (and often grateful as the other is often on the late side themselves)

Purple2012 Sat 20-Jul-13 10:20:40

It's so easy to just plan your time. I get a bus to work. There's 2 buses that would get me in on time. One would get me there with 30 mins to spare the other would give me 10 mins to spare. I get the earlier one so if it's late I still get to work on time.

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