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to be pissed off with ex and his pregnant missus?

(233 Posts)

so ex and I have an eight year old son together who he sees every weekend.
they are expecting a baby together and so are my oh and I(bit Jeremy kyle I know!).
its ds's birthday in a couple of weeks and it will be falling on a weekend when his dad has him.
I presumed his dad would be happy about this and would be doing something with him as he has whinged for the last six years about how he never has him on his birthday and never gets to take him out for birthday either.
considering I have arranged and payed for trips to theme parks,animal parks,parties etc for his birthdays for the past six years I don't think this is a unfair expectation.
I have also arranged to take him and a couple of school friends out to the cinema and pizza hut the Friday before his birthday as my b'day treat to him.
however,son comes home last weekend and says that dad wont be doing anything for him on his birthday as pregnant missus doesn't really want to be on her feet much and cant go on rides etc.
im royally pissed off about this as I feel that that's her rigfht but why cant they go out without her?
it seems that since she has been pregnant ive had to pull ex up on a lot of things regarding my son being affected by her needy mood swings.
imten years older than her,on my second pregnancy and just getting on with things as normal.
very worried that ds will start to feel pushed out by them and new baby and also as a result may start to feel that it will be the same with my bubba too which it most definitely wont!

I can totally see the points some of you are making and ive taken them on board but I need to clarify a few things.
this is not the first and only incident that has occurred since pregnancy.
father has promised for the last couple of years that this year he will take him out and has now gone back on his promise.
i used the theme park as an example but am not saying that's what they should be doing.just the nice trip out that has been promised.
and up until now we have all been very amicable to each other and these problems have only arisen in the past three months.
it makes me laugh to hear people say im too'invested'in their lives.

HarryTheHungryHippo Thu 18-Jul-13 08:06:14

Your getting a bit of an unfair response I think op. if I was you I'd feel the same. Yes he's getting a birthday treat from you but why should you always be the one to have to make sure he has a special birthday, why can't his dad step up to the mark for once?
normal did you miss the bit where the op said she is pregnant too? The new girlfriend doesn't have to go with them she could stay at home and let them go have fun

Inertia Thu 18-Jul-13 08:06:56

You're right to be concerned over lack of food - that's a form of neglect.

WRT the birthday, you just need to make ex take responsibility for organising his celebration with DS. You can then have whatever celebration you and DS choose in your time together.

ANormalOne Thu 18-Jul-13 08:10:32

father has promised for the last couple of years that this year he will take him out and has now gone back on his promise.

Yes but he couldn't have predicted that he was going to have a pregnant wife in the middle of a heatwave, could he? hmm

Inertia Thu 18-Jul-13 08:11:11

Cross post - if your ex is breaking a promise your DS believes he made then it's up to ex to take responsibility for dealing with that. You can't win here by interfering - all you can do is arrange a great celebration in your time.

OHforDUCKScake Thu 18-Jul-13 08:12:40

Im baffled as to why you're getting a hard time on this thread OP. I can only assume its the typical AIBU argumentative mentality and the sheep that follow.

You've done nothing wrong. You've done nothing to the couple, you said yourself that you get on well with the pregnant woman, so you're clearly not an arse hole. In fact you've been incredibly diplomatic considering you're son is feeling hurt here.

There's no need to rock the boat and it certainly seems as though you have no intention of doing so, but I think you are well within your right to speak to your ex and tell him DS feels disappointed that he'll be doing nothing on his birthday.
Perhaps suggest his das can take him swimming and something to eat, just them. Or cinema? something at least.

And as for pp saying 'kids get hurt' deal with it, is shocking!! Its the childs birthday, surely he's allowed to want to celebrate this somehow?!
Im 30 years old and I would be disappointed with just being stuck in all weekend. Id be more than happy with a cinema trip, it doesnt have to be anything huge or expensive, just marked.

OP you sound fair, and nice and not as though your guns are blazing. Of course you're feeling for your son, how cold hearted would you be of you didnt? Its his birthday!

OHforDUCKScake Thu 18-Jul-13 08:14:00

anormalone what has that got to do with it? She can stay home with her feet up for 2-3 hours. Or might she need DH to fan her and feed her grapes?

that was the point i was making hippo thank you.
he has been making such a fuss about it for years even though i have given him the chance to have son on b'day before.
he has promised son they will be doing something special for years and has now said no.
they are just as financially stable as me.
i am preggers and am still going to do something for ds so why cant dad?

OHforDUCKScake Thu 18-Jul-13 08:17:30

I have a summer baby, when heavily pregnant in the heat Id never have stopped DP taking DS1 out, more so if it was his birthday!

phew thanks girls.thought i was about to go up in flames there! ;)

I agree with you. Yes ok so he's still getting a birthday treat but in our family we always make a big fuss of birthdays. We would never not mark the actual day of their birthday.

I'm also divorced from my children's father and we would both complain if either one of us thought the other was letting the children down. Fortunately he's not a selfish arse and despite remarrying he would never let the kids down. In your position I would feel exactly the same. And if that's being over interested in my ex husbands life so be it!

Harryhairypig Thu 18-Jul-13 08:20:18

Yanbu and I think you are right to be concerned that this baby will push ds down the pecking order as sounds like the pregnancy is already taking priority. I'd approach it like suggested by duckssake suggests or offer to take him out yourself as they aren't able to.

SinisterBuggyMonth Thu 18-Jul-13 08:21:03

So, if your just getting on with it during pregnancy, everyone else should behave exactly the same way?

I had a fairly normal pregnancy, which involved daily vomiting, back pain and chronic constipation, I actually lost a stone in weight. Funnily enough I wasn't falling over myself to impart this info to my dp's exwife.

lunar1 Thu 18-Jul-13 08:23:58

Sounds like the perfect time for a father son day out. Maybe he could hire a sitter for a few hours to attend to grape peeling duties?

no sinister but she can stay at home and chill out for gawds sake!
goodness why does son have to be stuck in doors on his birthday pampering to a pregnant woman.
i wouldn't expect it of him so why should she?

Thyeternalsummer Thu 18-Jul-13 08:32:50

Sorry but YABU.

You don't say at what stage of pregnancy etc new girlfriend is, but I can understand why she might not want to be on her feet for long periods in this heat. And can understand why your DS's father might not want to leave his partner for long periods if its in the later stages of pregnancy.

My DP and I have a similar situation in that I'm due to give birth in a couple of weeks, which has often meant that days out with DSD have often had to be curtailed because I've not been feeling well etc. It's all part of kids learning to be considerate of other family members too. We went to an activity centre as a treat for DSD's birthday recently and I sat in the cafe whilst he did the activity with her for an hour. Afterwards we explored the outdoor play area, but didn't stay as long as she might have liked as it would have been difficult for me to have been on my feet in the heat for much longer. My partner would have been unwilling to leave me alone at home, mainly because it was over an hour's drive from home but also because he wouldn't have wanted to leave me out. We're a family. I figure it would be like this in any 'regular' family - dad isn't going to leave pregnant mum at home to take out their son on his birthday, they'll all do something together instead.

I'd give your ex the benefit of the doubt. He's likely to do 'something' for your DS's birthday - maybe not a theme park trip etc, but something else fun.

Just concentrate on your own relationship with your son and you'd probably be a lot happier.

Nomoredramaplease Thu 18-Jul-13 08:34:09

I think you may be the one who needs to chill out. You're taking the word of an 8 year old child before you've even spoken to his othe parent and in the course o this thread it has developed from they won't be going to a theme park (which is fair enough) to your son having to pamper this woman. Speak to his dad, see if anything is planned, if not keep him at home on his birthday. Simple. And try not to show too much bitterness about their new baby unless you want your son to resent him or her.

bootsycollins Thu 18-Jul-13 08:36:02

YANBU. Birthdays happen once a year ffs, he should make an effort.

PrettyPaperweight Thu 18-Jul-13 08:44:48

goodness why does son have to be stuck in doors on his birthday pampering to a pregnant woman.
i wouldn't expect it of him so why should she?

Because everyone is different, your DS has two equal parents and because your "ex" doesn't have to do things your way to make him a good Dad.

This thread is so stereotypical - mum complaining that Dad doesn't do enough, but when he does up his game, mum complaining that he's not doing it right.

BigW Thu 18-Jul-13 08:50:59

I'm afraid I have to disagree with a lot of the posters on here (what's new?!). What your DS does when he is with his father is 100 per cent your business. He doesn't stop being your son the minute he waves goodbye for the weekend.

I am sure you don't particularly care what your ex does, but you are concerned about your 8yo feeling upset and pushed out. As is your job as his mum. Yanbu at all.

That said, I don't think it has to be a big deal. If it were me, I'd play it down to your ex and just mention something like 'gosh, hot weather like this you probablywill want to take DS somewhere aiair conditioned like bowling or cinema - wouldn't fancy dragging myself round alton towers in this heat!'

I wouldn't say DS has even mentioned it to you. If you assume he will be celebrating his son's birthday (as he absolutely should) he might step up.

brilliantwhite Thu 18-Jul-13 09:01:42

agree with you , if she doesnt want to be on her feet stay home ,or they could all go swimming , cinema , meal out , shame if they do nothing special for him.

ReindeerBollocks Thu 18-Jul-13 09:19:05

I agree with you OP - surel tthe dynamics of their family are about to change with the arrival of a baby so its the ideal time for one on one father son time. Not only so they can celebrate your sons birthday but so they can spend quality time together before the new baby is born.

Don't know why some people are defending the pregnant wife - she can stay at home and rest, which she probably would appreciate. I would agree that it would be wrong for the OP to demand ex and pregnant wife take DS out, but shes not - shes asking the ex alone to do something.

I think it's a bit crap of Ex not to take him out to something for his birthday/ celebrate in some way. I would expect my DS to come home able to tell me of something he was going to do with his father for his birthday that he was looking forward to. (In your position)

But then it does always surprise me when people say they're doing nothing for a child's birthday. Even a first birthday - surely you can get a cake and maybe have a friend over ! Bloody hell, some people are miserable buggers ! grin

"Oh, are you doing anything nice ?" "No"
(convo with parents of soon to be one year old at toddler group hmm)

Could it be that your son has said to his father that he wants to go to a theme park and that is what the refusal is based on? I can understand not wanting to stand around for ages at a theme park in sweltering heat. Maybe suggest to ds that swimming or the cinema could be better ideas. Swimming when pg is bliss in the summer. I can see why you might be concerned about him being pushed out in the longer term and I agree his birthday should be about him, but the reality is with a largish age gap they probably will be doing activities which aren't all focused on the needs of an 8yr old, and neither will you otherwise your new baby will never go to soft play areas, U certs at the kids club, swim in the toddler pool. It will be hard for him because for 8yrs on both sides his entertainment needs have come first but now he will have to learn as my 3 have that family life involves compromising so that someone else can do something fun for them.

DaffodilsandSnow Thu 18-Jul-13 09:47:22

YANBU totally agree with you OP and would feel the same in your shoes. Of course it's everything to do with you, he is your DS and its his birthday which you are not spending with him. Absolutely understand you wanting to ensure he has a special day.

If I was pregnant I would not expect my OH to forgo a special day out with his DS just because I didn't fancy it - assuming this is what has happened.

Don't doubt yourself.

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