I'm not "allowed" to go to bed early - but he can >:-(

(57 Posts)
ChoccySocks Wed 17-Jul-13 23:57:07

I have to get up for work at 5.30am and then work a 13 hour shift. DP hates the suggestion of me going to bed early in order to cope with this and by "early" I mean anything before 11.30pm.

So I was due to work Tuesday - Monday night it gets to 11pm and I say "I'm off to bed as I'm up early for work" - he whinges and says "oh don't go yet! it's so early! at least let's watch the end of this with me " so we end up going to bed at midnight. Knackered in the morning. Same thing Tuesday night - whinged about me going to bed and I ended up staying up until gone midnight.

Tonight was the first night this week that I can stay up late and not have to get up so early in morning. So I'm all set for a late night - but HE suddenly decides he's going to bed at 11.15pm.

I feel like he's doing it on purpose/out of spite like some fucked up control game!!!

flippinada Thu 18-Jul-13 10:18:34

When you say he won't let you go to bed early, what do you mean? Is it that he physically stops you going, or is it more subtle, like sulking, creating a scene, being foul the day after?

Like others, I've been in a relationship where this signifies a control issue. It may not be, of course but it does ring alarm bells.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Thu 18-Jul-13 10:18:27

Go to bed! I get up at 5.30 for work as well, as I have a ridiculously long commute, and I would be on my knees if I was kept awake until 11.30 every night. You must be exhausted sad

Don't let him tell you when you are ready for bed! You are an adult, he sounds very controlling. Does he do this in other areas of your life?

This does sound like a red flag to me.

What would happen if you just went to bed?

(I went to bed before my 9 YO DS the other night and nobody complained)

CalamityJones Thu 18-Jul-13 10:14:10

Why on earth are you letting someone tell you what time to go to bed? Just go to fucking bed whenever you want. It's that simple. He's being controlling but you're being a complete pushover.

Ragwort Thu 18-Jul-13 10:13:20

Can't think of anything original to say after everyone else's comments, do men like this really exist? There must be some back history to this, what else does he try and control in your life?

Whothefuckfarted Thu 18-Jul-13 10:12:36

Going with the RED FLAG here.

Control freak.

minouminou Thu 18-Jul-13 10:09:50

My guess is that he'll start banging about and finding rubbish excuses to barge into the bedroom if OP goes to bed early.

NicknameTaken Thu 18-Jul-13 10:08:10

Red flag, red flag.

He's putting his wants over your needs.

DON'T go along with it. If he makes life unbearable as a result, then get the hell out of there.

Squitten Thu 18-Jul-13 10:00:41

Eh? Why on earth are you doing what he says? If you're tired, go to bed! You're an adult FFS.

What do you think will happen if you don't do as you're told?

Bowlersarm Thu 18-Jul-13 09:59:41

This is the one thing I couldn't tolerate.

I need my sleep. DH is an 'owl' and was a bit moany about me going to bed so early (10.30, unless we are out and then I'm fine, is my personal cut off point-I start feeling physically ill after about this time). I tried to stay up later for a few weeks but just can't manage it. He conceded that i just can't do it, although he doesn't really understand why I can't!

It's a shame we generally have different bedtimes, but that's the way it has to be, mostly.

KellyElly Thu 18-Jul-13 09:54:08

You are allowing this. You are an adult so just go to bed when you want to. When he says 'oh just watch the end of this' simply say 'no, I'm tired, I'm off to bed'. Simple.

I would never tell dh when to go to bed and whatnot but sometimes he comes home from the office, spends more time working, then goes to bed quite early. It can be lonely in the evenings. I have asked him to spend just a little bit of time with me in the evenings but he rarely does. When he does I can see him twitching and I'll tell him to go back to his laptop as it does my head in. I'm not controlling but if I wasn't insistent occasionally we'd never see each other in the evenings except in passing.

shewhowines Thu 18-Jul-13 09:28:51

Sleep is not an optional extra. It is a need. Just go to bed when you need to.

If he wont come to bed later quietly and without disturbing you, then you have problems. If a serious conversation doesn't do the trick you could resort to waking him up at 5 every morning but that is just playing games. Communicate, but just from what you've written, there does seem a lack of respect for you. Is this evident elsewhere in your relationship? Big red flags if there is a respect issue.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Thu 18-Jul-13 09:22:53

Oh my goodness, there's got to be more to this than meets the eye. Or some sort of back story....?

Just go to bed when you want.

You're the boss of you. Not him.

froggies Thu 18-Jul-13 09:17:56

My ex used to do this. Among other sly controlling and confidence undermining behaviours.

He cannot tell you what to do, and guilt tripping you into doing things you don't want to, or not doing thngs you do want to is still controlling.

Go to bed at a time that you like, and just be aware of how he behaves when you do.

Since my ex left he has shown his true colours and it's scary. Just be aware (and I hope I am being a drama queen).

worldgonecrazy Thu 18-Jul-13 08:52:05

Why do you feel the need to have his permission to go to bed? I get up just after 5 and I need to go to bed at 9 so I get my 8 hours sleep in. I couldn't survive very long on 6 hours sleep and there is plenty of research to show that constantly missing sleep can lead to health problems in later life, such as increased risk of heart disease.

Is this problem really about sleep/spending time together, or is it a symptom of other problems in the relationship? I think solidgoldbrass has made excellent suggestions and comments in her post.

TheRealFellatio Thu 18-Jul-13 08:42:49

Blimey - he sounds like a demanding child! You are not there for constant entertainment for him. Tell him to grow up, or if he wants to be with you that much then to come to bed himself.

You are an adult you do not need permission to go to bed. Just go. Do not allow this man to control you

sleeplessbunny Thu 18-Jul-13 08:33:37

just go to bed when you want. WHy do you need his approval before you can go to bed? DH sometimes wants me to stay up later watching something crap on TV. If I want to stay up, I do, and if i want to go to bed I say "no, I'm going to bed". And I go to bed.

Your DH's expectations seem rather unreasonable, but it is up to you to tell him no and look after yourself.

teacher123 Thu 18-Jul-13 07:44:21

He's being a controlling arse. That's a form of abuse. Go to bed when you're tired.

bettycocker Thu 18-Jul-13 06:55:40

He's being a knob. 5:30 is early, I would be FUBARd if I was up till 11:30.

I start work at about 4:30, but that's out of choice as I'm self employed. If DP tried to dictate when I went to bed he wouldn't try that shit again!

I like my sleep, ideally 8 hours+ per night and god help anyone who gets in the way of that.

OP, you need to be firm and tell him to stop being so controlling.

mikkii Thu 18-Jul-13 06:35:36

Oh, I forgot to say, my normal bedtime is 12-1, I'm not an 8 hours a night girl.

mikkii Thu 18-Jul-13 06:34:34

DH owns a bar, I work office hours and do he school run. I'm often in bed before DH gets home.

The only times we ever go to bed at the same time are: Thursdays when he gets up at 8 to have DD2 for the day (and then only if he hasn't had a siesta in the daytime) or if he wants to get lucky grin

If I want to stay up later to spend time with him, I do, if not, I just say I'm going up.

Last night he got home at about 11.45 as I was putting out the rubbish, I said hello, then goodnight.

exoticfruits Thu 18-Jul-13 06:25:27

Don't even say 'I'm off to bed'- just say 'goodnight' and go. If he makes a fuss don't stay around to argue, justify, explain- just say 'sorry, can't do, I need the sleep' and go. There is no need to feel guilty.

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