to be terrified after reading Birth after 35, and a few threads on here?

(30 Posts)
lessonsintightropes Wed 17-Jul-13 21:42:31

DH really is just that, a complete darling, and we've finally agreed to TTC. I'm 35, he's 36 and we've been together for five years.

I'm terrified in a number of simultaneous ways - that we won't be able to conceive, which I think is pretty logical given my age and the fact I have drunk too much and smoked through my entire 20s and 30s and am quite fat that I could have taken better care of myself, DH too. I'm also terrified I'll be a crap mum, find going back to work after 6 months incredibly hard but financially inevitable, will leave my baby in a car to die of heatstroke (had nightmares after that thread) and to be honest after reading the book terrified that my chances of having a baby without a severe disability minimal.

Does everyone feel like this? Or is it normal for people who are TTC who've had too long to focus on the anxieties? I mean, we're going to anyway... but would love to know how others dealt with it. WWYD?

Its mumsnet! It gives you fears you would never have normally

gordyslovesheep Wed 17-Jul-13 21:45:32

it's normal - don't worry - I drank and smoked like a sailor in my 20's - had second child at 34 and 3rd at 38 - TTC number 3 was a bit harder but we got there eventually - you can give birth to a child with disabilities at any age x

morethanpotatoprints Wed 17-Jul-13 21:49:35

Exactly what gordy says. I had our 3rd dc at 38 and refused some of the tests, because I knew from my age they would come back as high risk.
My dd is 9 and healthy and the pregnancy ran quite smoothly.
i had gestational diabetes, which was due to age but all that meant was a few more scans and blood tests, which were nothing, believe me.

EricNorthmanIsMyMaker Wed 17-Jul-13 21:50:11

I had my 1st at 37 & my 2nd just before I was 40. Both pregnancies were normal, both births were relatively normal (ok, ds2 got stuck then fell out but i did say relatively normal). I drank my way through my 20s & some of my 30s (til my gall bladder packed up!).
Both my boys are normal, healthy kids.
Being a parent makes you worry about things you would not normally worry about.

Drank and smoked until 30, conceived in lightning time just in late 30s. Say what you like about older parents but DD thinks the sun rises and sets with me, and I her.

You will be fine.

UnexpectedStepmum Wed 17-Jul-13 21:53:39

It's not just Mumsnet, the medical world does start to treat you like a freak when you're older (though at 35 you are a total spring chicken). Despite the fact that the actual increased risk levels are very minimal. Can I recommend you look into hypnobirthing, it appeals to slightly older mums and helps with all those anxieties. It's not as hippy freaky as the name sounds, more about yoga breathing, relaxation and positivity. I had an amazing pain free, drug free, two hour birth recently and I'm 41. It would have been even lovelier to have known about it at TTC stage.

Also don't read threads with titles which indicate traumatic content, it doesn't help you.

lessonsintightropes Wed 17-Jul-13 21:54:05

So glad to hear others have done it... most of my friends completed their families a little younger than we are now, and understand the risks seem to be less if its a subsequent DC, just nervous about trying for our first and probably only. I'm also a bit make that loads worried because my gorgeous cousin who is a year younger than me has had 10 MCs and a daughter who died when she was 7.5 months pg. sad Does the anxiety abate at all - any good ideas about how to look on the bright side and think positive?

catinabox Wed 17-Jul-13 21:54:38

I am laughing because I thought all the same things as you!! Every single one! I am a year older than you and just about to have my 1st baby. It's strange. Those fears didn't go away but as my pregnancy progressed they became smaller and smaller and the bond and love I feel for my unborn baby has grown so big that those worries are buried under a heap of happy and lovely feelings.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lessonsintightropes Wed 17-Jul-13 21:55:08

On the plus side I do have a RL friend who is a hypnobirthing practitioner Unexpected maybe I ought to talk to her about it when we've finally got our BFP.

partyondude Wed 17-Jul-13 21:55:20

I had our second at 37. His risk of downs was 1 in 47,000. It might be higher than it was when I was younger but it struck me as pretty low - and lower than the average risk for my age so being older doesn't necessarily mean high risk.

It took 2 years to conceive dc1 when I was 34 but only a few weeks for dc2.

Good luck.

Ledkr Wed 17-Jul-13 21:56:20

5th at 43. Nice easy preg and straightforward c section for reasons not to do with age. Back at work after a year after living on porridge (joke) and now a fully functioning family with the usual stresses and joys.
Love it.

OneLittleToddleTerror Wed 17-Jul-13 21:57:12

You are not alone. I'm 38 and am terrified about not being able to have a 2nd. (Doesn't help we've been trying since last September).

But 35 is relatively young! We managed our first within 3 months of trying. Totally healthy pregnancy and normal birth. If you define normal as not high risk.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jacks365 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:58:27

Dd4 was born when I was 42 and couldn't be more healthy and yes I'm an ex smoker and overweight etc you are right to have concerns but don't let them hold you back. Good luck.

Rootatoot Wed 17-Jul-13 22:01:58

If your dh is really supportive and you both pull together, you'll be fine.

I'm on older mum and yes did have hard pg & birth but sil was older than me with her last baby and breezed through. Pregnancy and childbirth are not something you can predict that just cos you are younger/older it will be easy/hard.

I worried like mad about whole thing. Cried through first Midwife appointment cos so freaked out, but I'm told I'm a good Mum. At least, I try to be which is all we can do. My little boy is a really happy little soul anyway.

You have to just go for it if you want a baby or you'll regret it.

lessonsintightropes Wed 17-Jul-13 22:06:11

Bless you all and thanks so much. So nice to hear others have had the same fears and come through well. I really appreciate it (especially from those who have also behaved less than well when it comes to looking after yourselves in the past - this latter issue is a real one for me and am cutting down both drinking and smoking gradually, before starting on folic acid). MN is brilliant.

bigbuttons Wed 17-Jul-13 22:10:21

I had my first at 31 and my 6th at 39. No problems at all with any of them. You'll be fine.

Secretswitch Wed 17-Jul-13 22:10:54

I had my first dc at age 32.He was born at 32 weeks. I had just turned 34 when my dd arrived exactly on her due date. My third and final baby was born when I was 42. I conceived all within a month or two of trying.
Fears and anxieties are all very normal. People love to tell horror stories of their 52 hours in back labour or how they were forced to deliver their baby themselves on the side of the road with only their toddler to assist. Good luck to you and your baby to be smile

catinabox Wed 17-Jul-13 22:12:10

lessons I can't wait to open a bottle of wine and have a cigarette! You will never know how much you appreciate wine and fags until you can't have them anymore....!

steppemum Wed 17-Jul-13 22:18:31

1st at 35
2nd at 37
3rd at 40

all fine, last 2 natural births no pain relief and very fast,

go for it!

lessonsintightropes Wed 17-Jul-13 22:19:01

catinabox My DSis - was/is just the same (although v well behaved in pg). Her DCs are 11 and 13 now and whilst she's healthy in almost every respect enjoys the odd fag on a friday night and some weekend glasses of wine now and then. That and a million other reasons make me think her balanced approach to parenthood (sharing duties with DH, the odd weekend away with her GFs, going back to work) has made me believe that it's possible to be a brilliant, brilliant Mum - she is - and still have some of your life too, or I wouldn't think about embarking on the whole process. I'm not sure I could cope with 18 years of nun-hood but am totally prepared for 2 - 3 years of preconception, pg and bfing with life being very different. And am ready for it smile if still pretty terrified I'll cock it up! (Nice having a DAuntie on tap who would love a 3rd but would settle for DNiece/Nephew to babysit!)

Thesebootsweremadeforwalking Wed 17-Jul-13 22:31:38

Regarding the age-related risks (Down Syndrome etc) I calmed myself by asking whether I'd back a horse on those odds! My age-related risk for DD (at 38) was something like 1 in 200 but my nuchal came back at 1 in 700. Would I back a horse to win at 700 to 1, or even 200 to 1? Nope. So everything was more than likely going to be ok. Worked for me!

catinabox Wed 17-Jul-13 22:35:13

I made a decision not to read any bloody books too! Just pick out bits of info i need from here and there and leave the rest. I figure i've managed to make a few fairly decent decisions and looked after myself (well, stayed alive anyway) for 35 years that we'll be o.k. All the best to you! If you do struggle conceiving just go along to your GP, tell them you've been trying to conceive for a couple of years and ask for some clomid. grin

It is a massively massively big change of life but it's also lovely and amazing and I thing, for me it's been perfect timing. I'm looking forward to going back to work too.

I'm convinced being a bit older is going to make me a much better parent. (if nothing else i know my alcohol limits and have had to pay bills for enough years to count as a a proper grown up!)

Good luck to you!

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