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To want to die

(101 Posts)
Meh84 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:01:29

I don't want to kill myself, but I want to die.

Never in my life have I felt so fucking low in my life. I will cars on the other side of the road to hit me, so then someone will see me. Me, and that I'm still here.

No one wants to care, no-one cares and no-one ever will. I'm 28 years old, I don't deserve to live because I've wasted my life feeling like this.

goodmum123 Wed 07-Aug-13 09:02:11

How are you doing meh? X

IfNotNowThenWhen Wed 24-Jul-13 13:43:54

Just wondering how you are doing Meh84?

Pigsmummy Thu 18-Jul-13 23:30:57

Before I even saw the last post with corkage and wine references I was going to say that even if you are feeling better don't drink, I know you were joking BBOMS but I was suicidal after drinking on the same meds as you, take all the help and support that you can, also don't stop any meds suddenly. I wish you the very best x

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Thu 18-Jul-13 22:43:00

Wine, not win!

<gives up and goes to bed, clearly too much corkage of wine going on in my house tonight!>

facedontfit Thu 18-Jul-13 22:42:54

Corkage smile

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Thu 18-Jul-13 22:41:54

Corkage??!! confused

Courage, not corkage! Bloody iPad. Although I'm sure you're very good at opening a bottle of win too!

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Thu 18-Jul-13 22:40:05

You really are quite an amazing woman. You can't see it now but you are.

In awe of your corkage and remember, this too will pass.

Isabeller Thu 18-Jul-13 22:39:55

Thinking of you M x

I know what it feels like to not want to be alive. At one really low point someone said 'keep breathing' at another I remember repeating to myself 'this too shall pass, this too shall pass' at another someone said 'when a day or an hour is too long just get through 5 minutes at a time'.

It is tough but you are bearing it flowers

rainbowbrite1980 Thu 18-Jul-13 22:37:38

This will pass. It doesn't feel like it right now, you feel there is no hope and that you'll always feel like this. You won't, and there is future ahead for you. You said your children need you. Hold onto that - they need YOU, nobody else will do, and you HAVE TO stay around for them.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for them - go back to the GP, show them this post if you have to - there are other antidepressants they can try, and other medications they can use too, and talking therapies. They should refer you to the community mental health team, for more support.

I have been there in the past and spent some time in hospital. I'm not saying you'll need that - but I truly believed my life was over and it wasn't. Please talk to someone in real life.

Helpforthehopeless Thu 18-Jul-13 22:31:38

You will have good days and bad days Meh. On a bad day, remember that a good day may follow. Take each day as it comes while you wait for your professional help to be sorted out. Hang in there! Not many of us are lucky enough never to have felt the way you feel at the moment. Thinking of you. xx

Helpforthehopeless Thu 18-Jul-13 22:30:20

You will have good days and bad days Meh. On a bad day, remember that a good day may follow. Take each day as it comes while you wait for your professional help to be sorted out. Hang in there! Not many of us are lucky enough never to have felt the way you feel at the moment. Thinking of you. xx

newestbridearound Thu 18-Jul-13 22:14:21

I'm so glad you had a better day. A lovely quote as well x

facedontfit Thu 18-Jul-13 21:57:57

Hug for Meh
xxx

wharrgarbl Thu 18-Jul-13 21:41:15

It's definitely something. I always think of it as waiting for the bounce - I dip right down, but I will bounce up again. I just have to be still and wait.
Your manager sounds like a really good person.
I love this line But for now, I'm sitting quietly in my thoughts, just so. It's just poetic and so evocative of the mental stillness.

marriedinwhiteagain Thu 18-Jul-13 21:37:21

Glad you had a better day. Come back whenever it isn't.

I am so pleased to read your post - it has made my day. YAY to Meh

Meh84 Thu 18-Jul-13 21:29:12

So, I got through today without crying or feeling like I wanted to die. That's something right?!

I went to work, picked the children up came home and cooked tea. I even went to the AGM meeting at the pre-school. I spoke, I functioned, I think I even laughed today at one point. I feel like I'm waiting for the next episode to happen.

But for now, I'm sitting quietly in my thoughts, just so.

A friend at work, my manager actually, gave me this quote written on a piece of paper. I found it was odd because I said no word to her how I'd been feeling or what had happened last night:

“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.”

You've all been amazing, I love you all which is an odd thing to say to a bunch of vipers wink

Seriously....thank you
x

jeanmiguelfangio Thu 18-Jul-13 16:42:28

You'll get there Meh, I've been there, and I'm looking at my beautiful daughter now but there were times when I didn't want to wake up anymore. Please go back to the dr, fluoxetine isn't for everyone, you have to find the ones that work. It's horrendous but know that you are not alone both in how you feel and now when you need a hand.
It's no RL hug or someone to hear, but I am here to listen, sometimes the stranger is the best person to talk to

KnitFastDieWarm Thu 18-Jul-13 16:30:50

I've been there. Hold on tight, it will pass. I promise.
Get to the doctor ASAP, lean on your husband, lean on us. So many of us know how you feel and have lived to tell the tale. One day this will all be a memory, nothing more. Just keep breathing, one breath at a time is all you need to do right now.
Very unmumsnetty hugs x

LimitedEditionLady Thu 18-Jul-13 14:53:21

You sound like my mother when she was ill.You can get through this,it will get better.Ive seen it get better x

quesadilla Thu 18-Jul-13 13:53:59

Very sorry to hear you are going through this.
Don't have much specific advice except to say I guarantee you there are people who care about you and you will get through this.
I also think its worth going to the GP as soon as possible about the meds thing.
Good luck, there are lots of people on here thinking about you.

BeKindToYourKnees Thu 18-Jul-13 13:29:05

Meh, SSRI's (citalopram, paroxetine, fluoxetine, sertraline etc) can have horrible side-effects for a small percentage of people. They are not suitable for everyone.

Your GP may want to increase your dose and if you are not suited to them, your suicidal thoughts may worsen.

I wish the evidence had been available before I was prescribed them as like you, I wanted to die rather than kill myself and these feelings increased the more my prescription was upped.

Please go back to your GP and in the meantime just try to get through each day as best you can.

thepixiefrog Thu 18-Jul-13 13:15:47

Poor love, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have 2 DC and a lovely dh too but that doesn't make the demons go away. You've done brilliantly getting yourself professional help and to reach out on mn is fantastic. Those actions show that even though you feel awful you still care about yourself deep down. I have found that Meditation has been fantastic for managing my depression. If you can find a course to go on then get it booked, it has been more effective in 2 months than AD's and years of therapy ever have been.

Will be thinking about you, take care of yourself.xxx

UnexpectedStepmum Thu 18-Jul-13 11:33:42

Just wanted to say hang on in there. It's a long haul but you will make it, and we are all routing for you.

Latara Thu 18-Jul-13 10:54:45

Hi Meh, I've had several periods of depression, the last serious time was in April. I had to increased my ADs dose (Venlafaxine) to 300mg on 1st May which has finally started to kick in in the last few days, so I now feel very bright and positive.

I'm even thinking of going to the beach today! Which Is not like me.

I think you will improve too but at the moment you will find that hard to imagine.

But honestly you will start to feel better, it will take a while and you will feel crap but hold on in there and it will be worth it in the end, trust me.

In the meantime you might not feel like it but try to stick to a daily routine and eat healthily if nothing else; going to work may help take your mind off things a bit.

Take care xx

Thinking of you today.

Remember there is a difference between wanting the crap feeling to end and wanting your life to end. Wanting your life to stop being the way it is doesn't mean you want your life to stop.

Do ring the crisis number and come back and talk to us as and when you need to.

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