To want to die

(101 Posts)
Meh84 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:01:29

I don't want to kill myself, but I want to die.

Never in my life have I felt so fucking low in my life. I will cars on the other side of the road to hit me, so then someone will see me. Me, and that I'm still here.

No one wants to care, no-one cares and no-one ever will. I'm 28 years old, I don't deserve to live because I've wasted my life feeling like this.

deeplybaffled Wed 17-Jul-13 21:43:51

I've had some very black times too. The thing with the meds is that they do take time to kick in - sometimes a few weeks- and the gap is horrible as you feel that they never will. But they will.
Talk to the doctor, maybe an increased dose might be needed.
Don't give up. As someone said upthread, take it five minutes at a time, and even if it seems endless, it is an achievement.
You will get there. Really.

notpossibleisit Wed 17-Jul-13 21:48:00

Meh84

I guarantee there are many more people in the world who care about you than you realise. You have everyone who has posted here for a start.

Just last week in my town, a 28 year old woman with two young children killed herself. Tonight, I went to look at the memorial set up for her. The sheer number of flowers and notes and tributes was amazing. So many people have visited that memorial in the last week- so many people loved and cared for that lady.

I have no idea of her personal circumstances, but I'm guessing she also felt very alone. This makes it even more tragic, as the memorial shows you how many people really do care.

You are the most important person in your children's lives. Fact. They need you there for them, more than they need anything else. Talk to your DH- tell him how you feel.

You said you have no-one at all, but that's not true. You have all of us, there are people on MN 24/7. You have your DH and your children. You will never, ever be alone.

You will only have wasted your life if you end it. Please see your doctor, and stay on MN- there are people here who care about you more than you will ever know.

MrsLouisTheroux Wed 17-Jul-13 21:57:52

Tomorrow morning, phone GP surgery and explain that you are on fluxotine for depression and that you are experiencing very bad side effects. Ask for an emergency appointment and tell them what you have told us.
You are not well and it is likely that this medication is making you worse so don't take any more.
My DH took fluxotine and he didn't talk, eat, sleep. It made him worse than ever. It suits many people I'm sure but it doesn't suit you.
You have a plan. To ride the waves tonight and go to the doctors tomorrow.
You deserve to feel better. x

londone17 Wed 17-Jul-13 22:02:04

Great post notpossible. If five minutes is too much, a minute at a time. You have so much to live for. Could you try distacting yourself just for now? Is there anything you could do round the house to take your mind off things?

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Wed 17-Jul-13 22:15:27

Meh I care about you too. You have been extremely brave in posting and asking for help.

What would help you? What do you think would help you get better?

Please know that you may feel worthless right now but to your children and DH and no doubt countless other people, you're their whole world and your life has infinite value and meaning.

MNHQ, please don't move this thread to Mental Health unless the OP wants. I wonder if the high traffic on AIBU might be a good thing in this instance - hopefully Meh will see how many internet strangers genuinely do care.

passmetheprozac Wed 17-Jul-13 22:25:15

I agree with Bluebird, the op is NBU in how she feels. And that's OK.

MelodyBaker Wed 17-Jul-13 22:31:40

Meh, don't be upset you feel this way. I felt like you do for months after my friend died, I was angry at everyone but I got help.
Counselling and Anti-Depressants have really helped me. I did nearly attempt suicide but I got help when I was <> that close to doing it. I've got a daughter, she's 14 and the light of my life. I'm here for her and she knows how bad I feel sometimes but she helps me.
Get help sweetheart, go back to the doctor and tell them how you feel. If you get worse, call the samaritans. Do not beat yourself up over feeling this way.

MrsLouisTheroux Thu 18-Jul-13 06:15:55

How are you OP?

twinsister Thu 18-Jul-13 06:28:27

thinking about you this morning Meh. Some good advice on here and lots of hand holding. Hope you can get into your doctor or emergency doctor today x

BriefcaseOfFacts Thu 18-Jul-13 06:38:05

Morning Meh. A new day. I hope you can get an appointment. If you don't have the strength to battle with the receptionist, maybe ask your dh to make it for you. Take care and please be reassured by all of us who have been through mental health problems, you will not feel like this forever, life can and WILL be so much better.

celestialbows Thu 18-Jul-13 06:55:29

Meh I have been where you are now. Our children are a similar age. I was a high suicide risk but I didn't tell anybody which was really stupid but my brain chemistry was fucked at the time. Try and fast track your counselling, if the gp can't help go privately, you need to be there for your family. You won't always feel this way, the meds and counselling will come gether to help you.
Forget about the friend for now, you can deal with that when you're better . Your family is what counts, imagine how your death would affect your children and your husband, just take it a step at a time. If you need him to take over the kids so you can breathe then he needs to do it.
You need to tackle your sleeping habits if you are missing sleep you need to sort this asap, ear plugs, eye mask, there is so much you can do.
Pilates, yoga can help you relax and take you away from the situation. Deep breathing and meditation are tiny easy things to try and refocus the mind, it sounds was wacky but really helps, Google mindfulness.

Remember what you enjoyed before the kids came along and do some of that, whether it's something creative or just going swimming or walking or even sunbathe, drawing, writing, reading chick lit, just anything at all to change your day. Think about your diet, eat green leafy veg, all the essential nutrients like egg, olive oil, wholegrain carbs, lots of healthy protein, take fish oils, there are so many small changes to make that will just help you shift your focus. Keep posting here, remember that you are not alone in feeling this way, your mind is playing tricks on you, your body and brain chemistry are messed up from the stresses of parenting two small children and you can get better, just break everything down into tiny steps, one small challenge at a time.

Meh84 Thu 18-Jul-13 07:08:51

Thank you so much for the advice.

I'm OK, I didn't go to bed last night but I didn't do anything stupid either. I had a crisis number given to me by the counsellor which I can phone whenever I want so I'll be doing that shortly.

I also need to think about going to work and I really can't be arsed with any of it, but maybe it's better to be there than here by myself.

I love you all, you have shown you care when many of my RL friends have no idea x

marriedinwhiteagain Thu 18-Jul-13 07:14:10

Hope you have a good day Meh84 come and tell us about it tonight. Try to do at least one thing that makes you feel better - a sit in the sun with some tea or a good book, buy a pretty card with a nice message to keep and pretend it's from all of us, squirt on some nice perfume before you go and sniff your wrists during the day, take a pic of you dc and have little peeps at it.

SuperiorCat Thu 18-Jul-13 07:24:07

I missed this last night. I have no wise advice to add, just posting so you know that people you don't know, do care. And you do matter.

myroomisatip Thu 18-Jul-13 07:30:43

Hey I care too.

I have felt like you on occasions. Please get help today.

loveliesbleeding1 Thu 18-Jul-13 07:55:29

Hello meh thinking of you today have also felt like you after the dark a new day comes x

londonrach Thu 18-Jul-13 07:56:30

Morning open. Was thinking of you like I'm sure everyone else was. Please see the gp today re tablets. Do something fun, maybe with the children or friends. It's a beautiful day why not go to the park with a picnic or pop into a coffee shop for a piece of chocolate cake. X

londonrach Thu 18-Jul-13 07:57:04

Op not open. Sorry. X

Keepithidden Thu 18-Jul-13 08:40:39

Can't offer any additional advice I'm afraid Meh, but only reiterate what everyone else has said, you do matter, try and get some help if you can.

This struck me:

I love you all, you have shown you care when many of my RL friends have no idea

It is so true, Mumsnet and anonymous internet fora are so much easier to pour your heart out to compared to people in RL. I'm so thankful I found the folk on here, there's so much support here for you, and anyone who needs it. Keep posting.

Bluebirdonmyshoulder Thu 18-Jul-13 09:06:08

Thinking of you today. Hope it's a new beginning for you. Or at least the beginning of the end of the worst times.

sparkle101 Thu 18-Jul-13 09:09:40

Meh- 23 years ago yesterday my dad killed himself.

I have been through every emotion known that he could leave three children and a wife behind. I would give anything to go back and beg him to get help.

Please get whatever help you need. It's all out there for you, you just need to ask.

newestbridearound Thu 18-Jul-13 09:25:01

Morning Meh. I'm so glad you are going to ring the crisis number today- it shows real strength to reach out and ask for help, especially when so low. I hope that they have some useful suggestions and support available to you.

Today is a new day, a different one from yesterday, hopefully it will be better for you xx

Snoopytwist Thu 18-Jul-13 09:45:51

You have shown amazing strength to get through last night, Meh... you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for - draw on that strength again and get some help today - call the crisis number or get an emergency appointment with the GP.

I bet so many people went to sleep last night thinking of you - I know I did. Today is a new day - be kind to yourself and get some support xxx

goodmum123 Thu 18-Jul-13 09:58:08

Meh, this was me.

Keep talking on here, it will work and get you thru this.

Go to the doc again and have sort the therapy soon, its the best!!

Keep talking, I'm crying as I felt like this a year and a half ago (when dd was 18 months)

It is just your mind playing horrible tricks on you. If you had a broken arm you'd get medical help, well this is just your mind a little broken at the moment.

Damn right your children need you and always will, don't leave them.

Got to go now as getti g emotional (I care about you) and I'm late for work

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

goodmum123 Thu 18-Jul-13 09:58:52

Sparkle 101 xxxx

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