To think some are so bloody mean about their parents?

(107 Posts)
Tittypulumpcious Wed 17-Jul-13 18:43:08

Not all parents are amazing, but they are all human! I am not talking about those who abuse their kids in many ways. I mean the run of the mill 'normal' parent who does what they feel is the best for their kids bring them up they in turn become adults their parents get older and then they slate their parents for talking too much, repeating themselves, being particular about things the list goes on.

Maybe I am sensitive because my mum has been ill for almost 10 years and I have missed out on so many mother daughter things, she might be my mum but she's a person first with her own issues and foibles.

I saw a woman today laughing with her friends because her mum was on the phone clearly boring her so she put her phone on the table until she thought she might have finished.

I'm sure everyone has a reason for doing/saying whatever but my guess is when their parent is no longer here those things that irritated them might be some of the things they miss. Just pisses me off when I see someone disrespecting someone they say they love in this way.

Rant over!

grumpyoldbat Fri 19-Jul-13 17:03:55

jubel more than one person has explained why some people continue to have some sort of relationship with parents who don't really deserve it. Do you really think all of the bad parents described on here deserve to be treated with utmost respect?

SarahStrattonIsBackForJustABit Fri 19-Jul-13 15:56:57

Plus, the neglect/abuse/etc is really obvious when it's only aimed at one child in the family. The scapegoat/golden child scenario is hideously damaging.

flippinada Fri 19-Jul-13 15:01:02

Not being a "model mum" (who thinks of themselves like that anyway?) is a long way away from being neglectful. There's a whole spectrum of behaviour inbetween.

Jubelteen Fri 19-Jul-13 14:01:25

AaDB but don't you think most people were a bit neglected at times? I can think of loads of things my parents did that would probably be classed as neglect these days, and I've not been a model Mum myself 100% of the time. I don't think there's any such thing as a Disney relationship, unless it's fake, e.g. perfect families on FB. It's not nice to mock your parents, if they merit having a relationship with, it should be civil.

AaDB Fri 19-Jul-13 12:44:24

I wasn't abused and I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't want to label themselves that way. We were neglected at times. Our parents can't expect to have a Disney relationship now; they didn't put the foundation work in.

grumpyoldbat Fri 19-Jul-13 00:15:09

I think people are trying to point out that the OP has no way of knowing if the Mum in question was abusive.

Jubelteen Thu 18-Jul-13 23:44:48

Oh dear OP, you're getting a bit of a bashing when you made it quite clear that you weren't talking about abusive parents. I agree with you, it's disrespectful to mock your elderly parents. My DM lives alone, I live a long distance away, so contact is mainly by phone. I might be the only person she had spoken to that day, and she tells me all her 'news', what she ate that day, what she enjoyed on TV etc in minute detail. It makes me sad that she is often lonely. I wouldn't dream of moaning about her. She wasn't always a perfect Mum but did her best.
Also sad that so many people here are so damaged by their experiences with abusive/toxic parents. OP didn't intend to light an 'emotional fuse' as suggested.

quesadilla Thu 18-Jul-13 23:26:36

Missy, everyone else, very sorry you have had to go through these things.

ithaka Thu 18-Jul-13 23:23:00

My mum wasn't abusive to us - she was a lovely mum. But she did have a very public affair & leave my dad in the middle of my exams, meaning I now have an ex alcoholic, unpleasant stepfather in my life. So I reckon I am 'allowed' to moan, even though I haven't been abused.

Ipsissima Thu 18-Jul-13 23:12:24

I think it was another poster that really set the cat among the pigeons, OP. My first reply acknowledged that you were excluding abusive parenting, however threads of this kind will always generate strong opinions from those of us who continually fight he legacies of our pasts.

Tee2072 Thu 18-Jul-13 21:51:29

And most people would consider my mother completely normal. Everyone adores her, Nanny.

Except her children.

You don't have to be abusive or 'not normal' to be a bad parent.

Tittypulumpcious Thu 18-Jul-13 21:50:11

Spot on Nanny0gg thank you. I don't get pleasure out of anyones pain and my OP clearly states that I was not talking about the abusive parents.

Nanny0gg Thu 18-Jul-13 21:42:06

Honestly!

I am really sorry for those of you that have really suffered at the hands of your parents, but if you actually read the OP you would see (especially as this is AIBU) that she wasn't talking about those sorts of parents!

She was talking about your average 'normal' day-to-day parent that you love, but because they drive you dotty sometimes it seems okay to be pretty rude about them.

Not the spiteful, toxic abusers that so many on here are now discussing.

financialwizard Thu 18-Jul-13 21:35:41

Depends on the parent. My Mum is toxic, and my Dad and Nan her enabler. I find it extremely difficult to talk to my Mum, so in reality I would probably not talk to my Mum at all if I could possibly help it, but if she had been a loving nurturing parent I think I would be respectful of her.

Tee2072 Thu 18-Jul-13 21:18:53

Oh bullshit titty. You've been nothing but evocative this whole thread.

I hope you're enjoying whatever pleasure it's bringing you.

maddening Thu 18-Jul-13 20:37:59

yabu - they're all just human witH their own foibles etc (both the parents and their offspring) - humans take the piss out of each other, argue, get impatient with each other, dislike things about each other all alongside having lovely relationships with each other - whether those relationships are friendships or family (or both) - it's part of being human.

Tittypulumpcious Thu 18-Jul-13 20:33:26

It was never ever my intention to cause such an emotive thread and I apologise for any feelings this has brought up for people.

littlemisssarcastic Thu 18-Jul-13 20:29:13

They gave you life, fed you and wiped your bum. No matter how bad they went on to be that should count for something IMO.

You see it all the time, people talking about their toxic parents, with zero sense that their own children may someday think the same of them

My mother did give me life, yet relished telling me that she told the midwife to take me away because she didn't want another girl. (Am I supposed to understand a statement like that?)
My mother did feed me, it was her way of showing she cared, she invested so much emotion in food and so long as I ate every morsel on the plate and showed huge amounts of appreciation, she felt appreciated, yet if I literally couldn't eat another forkful, I'd feel like I had to hide my plate, feed it to the dog, or spread it out so it didn't look like I'd left much. It was like eating love on a plate. If I threw any away, it was like I was throwing my mothers love away.
I'm sure my mother wiped my bum, yes, although I don't remember it because from 18 months old, we were toilet trained. There were to be no dirty girls in our house.
All of that means something to me. I would rather be here alive than not be here at all.
That doesn't wipe out the beatings she gave us, nor the excuses she made for her husband when he beat us, or the humiliation, the crushing realisation that no matter what we did, it was never quite good enough.
It doesn't wipe out the fact that she put men before her DC our whole lives, even leaving us to scream in fear while she got her jollies in the next room.
It doesn't wipe out the snide bitchy comments she made about our appearance and the sexual innuendo's she made if she thought we looked like 'sluts'.
My mother spent our childhood telling anyone who would listen what a terribly hard life she had, how hard she worked, how her DC didn't appreciate her enough, and we grew up smothered in a thick sense of guilt, always wanting to do more to please her, yet it was never ever enough, and we learnt to worry ourselves sick over what people thought of us, because of course, if anyone didn't like us, it mattered, it reflected on mother and it was our fault.

Upon getting divorced and becoming older, my mother found it harder and harder to use sex to attract a man, so she began undermining my parenting of DS, openly berating me for any discipline I attempted to bestow upon DS.
I grew up wanting to please my mother and wanting DS to be happy where I wasn't. Not a particularly good combination.
Once DS was 16, mother whispered spiteful poison into his ears, told him he was surplus to my requirements, offered him a place to stay without my permission or knowledge and when I had my 2nd child, my mother moved in for the kill. She waited on DS hand and foot, treated him like a king no surprises there then and I quickly became the evil parent, while mother became the saint in his eyes.
DS moved out, into my mothers, where she continues to wipe his arse see to his every need, encourages him to rely on her for everything, and since DS is HFA, he cannot see beyond the here and now and see what lies behind her motives, which I believe are partly down to jealousy that she never had a son.
She looks upon DS as the son she never had and indulges his every whim.
This is a contributory factor imo to DS racking up more and more convictions, because mother just keeps on bailing him out, he learns nothing, and lo and behold, now my son has cut me off.
Mother's two pennies worth is to advise me to forget DS and isolate myself and my other DC from him which is exactly what she has been trying to do for years.

I went into a card shop today to buy my youngest a birthday card. It is my sons birthday soon too. When I saw the birthday cards for 'sons', I felt my throat closing up, and I had to put my sunglasses on in the shop, and I didn't know whether to buy him a card or not, because I don't want to push him further away and any attempts by me to connect with him will be seen by DS, as well as my mother as proof that I am the manipulative person my mother has always told him I am. I bought a card, but I have no idea whether to send it or not because my son has cut me off. I am effectively a parent of 1 DC now.

All I can do is wait and hope he contacts me. I cannot explain how I feel to DS. He will tell me I am using the emotional sympathy crap to make him do something he doesn't want to do.

Yes, it has gone full circle apart from the fact that I still speak to the old crow. Perhaps I am one of those toxic parents too.

Frizzbonce Thu 18-Jul-13 20:03:24

Grumpyoldbat I'm so sorry. What a horrible, damaging childhood. But you seem to have broken the link with your own children and made them feel loved and secure - despite this.

Thank you so much thanks

This thread is actually heartbreaking, there are so many awful stories on here.

It has really made me count my blessings (and I am counting being an MNer as a huge blessing, its changed my life) thanks

I hope everyone on here finds their own way to come to terms with their pasts and move forward towards a positive and happy future.

Caff2 Thu 18-Jul-13 19:52:01

It all depends. There were difficulties in my childhood. My father's deciding to take me to be a crofter on the Isle of Skye when I was nine and he was in the midst of a manic depressive crash, for example, was...interesting. (I won't out myself by saying what my father does for a living, but suffice to say, crofting is not in his skill set grin.

However. My parents, despite being "emotionally abusive" according to what I've read on here, have been my rocks and my most unconditional supporters, and yes, on occasion, constructive critics, and I love them dearly. Because, despite the issues that went on when my siblings and I were children, they always loved us, and told us so, and we believed them, because they didn't just say it, they showed us in so many ways.

It's complex. But I love my mum and dad, although I could do a Philip Larkin and say they fucked us up. I expect my children could say we fucked them up a bit too, when they're grown. But as long as there hasn't been hatred, disinterest or lack of demonstrable love, then I think, on balance, I agree with the OP.

hazeyjane Thu 18-Jul-13 19:29:53

Oh, by the way, that means

Big Stinking Pile Of Horseshit.

hazeyjane Thu 18-Jul-13 19:29:02

They gave you life, fed you and wiped your bum. No matter how bad they went on to be that should count for something IMO.

You see it all the time, people talking about their toxic parents, with zero sense that their own children may someday think the same of them

BSPOH

Bloody hell, there are so many sad posts here flowers As others have said, unless you've experienced truly awful parenting Chandellina, you can't, or shouldn't, judge.

I'm mean hmm about my parents, as my dad beat the crap out of me, while my mum stood by, smirking. That's only one example of the years of abuse those vile people put me through.

LifeIsSoDifferent Thu 18-Jul-13 19:12:17

What you saw the women on the phone do was mean but not every situation is like that. I love my mum and we get along great but I've still moaned about her. It's human nature, we all get annoyed or annoy someone, moan a little and move on,

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