aibu to have loved the space with dh away for a week? is it a sign I should break up with him?

(61 Posts)
thispunderfullife Wed 17-Jul-13 14:37:33

Dh and I haven't had separate holidays in years. He has been away for a week and I have loved it. Loved it. Skipped about the house, sang in the shower, giggled with my ds, hung out with the neighbours, loved every second. Fallen asleep blissful every night totally happy. I've been with dh for about 7 years .... am I being unreasonable to think this is A big sign that we should break up, or is this a usual feeling among people in long relationships?

ChippingInHopHopHop Wed 17-Jul-13 15:51:11

It is normal to enjoy having the place to yourself for a bit smile

It is not normal nor desirable that he's 'needy' and needs a lot of 'tending to' or that you have upsetting rows once a week. It sounds like you are pretty stressed by the relationship - that he takes from your life rather than adds to it.

See how you feel when he comes home.

Are there any changes you could make to your relationship that would make you happier or do you really think it's time to get out of a relationship that is so clearly dragging you down? Life is too short to spend it unhappy.

Mine's away this week and I am enjoying it. He is messy and noisy, so the calm is wonderful, but I'll be pleased to have him back. Even though the first thing he will do is rumple the house up again.

I am not surprised you are relaxed when he is away, if you are having a big bust up once a week though. That sounds very stressful.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 17-Jul-13 15:56:47

Having and enjoying your own space is great and healthy. I'm not sure rowing once a week is.

Aniseeda Wed 17-Jul-13 15:59:41

I love it when my DH goes away which, sadly, is quite rare.

I was gutted last year when he went for a walking weekend with his Dad and they got rained off and he phoned and said he was on his way home a day early - I'd been so looking forward to the bed to myself for another night! DH goes to bed quite early so it's rare treat for me to be able to snuggle up with a cup of tea and read for hours!

If I won the lottery, the first thing I'd look for would be a house where we could each have our own space. Perhaps a wing each with a shared bit in the middle! I daydream about this a lot!

BUT I do start to miss the silly old fart him after about 5 days. Did you miss your DH at all?

StuntGirl Wed 17-Jul-13 16:00:35

Tending to? Is he a plant?

Its normal to enjoy the space when they go away. Not normal to fight all the time. The first one isn't a cause for concern. The second one is.

MalcolmTuckersMum Wed 17-Jul-13 16:02:00

Mine's away this week - due back tomorrow and I'm a bit biscuit about that really. Have enormously enjoyed the peace and quiet, having friends round for a bbq and a beer without him either playing his Galloping Gourmet role or his stock alternative of Victor Meldrew! I think it's very healthy. When you've got a problem is when the idea of your DH being away for a week makes you break out in anxiety.

exexpat Wed 17-Jul-13 16:03:34

Normal to enjoy a bit of time to yourself, but how do you feel about him coming back - are you looking forward to seeing him, or are you dreading having him back? That should give you more of an indication of the state of your relationship (the other stuff doesn't sound good to me either).

It's one thing to enjoy some space, it's another thing to be so happy that you're singing in the shower and loving every second he's away.

What would happen if you stopped attending to his needs so much?

JamEyelid Wed 17-Jul-13 16:07:05

DP goes away quite often for work at the moment and I enjoy the time away. It's good to miss him and look forward to his return.

He went away for a month recently and that definitely was too long for me but a week or two is fine.

I love having the whole bed to myself and not hearing any snoring grin

I go through phases when I'm happy and relaxed when DH is absent of a night (when he is on call) and times when I miss him (and his extra pair of hands with the kids) greatly. Both are quite normal.

Can you explain a bit more, OP, why you felt so relaxed without your DH around? As previous posters have asked, do you not do the things you describe in your OP when he's there, and if not, why not? And what do you mean by tending to? He's an adult is he not?

diddl Wed 17-Jul-13 16:11:22

Husband went away this morning for two weeks.

The novelty of being without him will soon wear off.

CalamityKate Wed 17-Jul-13 16:19:00

Me and DH have been together nearly 14 years. Get along fine, very rarely argue. Can both do our own thing without worrying about the reaction of the other.

But I love it if he goes away for the odd few days for work. Love it. Every minute of it. Because I know he's coming home.

If he left properly I'd be devastated.

2rebecca Wed 17-Jul-13 16:21:42

I love it when my husband is away for a while. I'd miss him terribly if I knew it was for good though.

2rebecca Wed 17-Jul-13 16:23:07

Your husband sounds like hard work though, I couldn't face having to do regular counselling sessions at home. Your partner should enhance your life not make it worse.

EatingAllTheCrumpets Wed 17-Jul-13 16:30:00

Crikey I'm doomed then grin

DH works a late shift every other week, so I don't see him at all. I love it! I get to eat whatever I fancy and not have to make sure he likes/wants it. I get to watch all my programmes he hates, read without interruption, go to the pub with friends without feeling like I'm missing out on time with him, have a coffee with my mum and again not worry about missing out in couple time. I get to do my nails without him moaning about the smell, I can take as long in the bath as I want without him needing me to hurry up as he needs the loo.

He also goes away on a lads holiday every Easter and again in October. And I think it's great. I make sure I also go away on a girls holiday or a weekend break with my mum.

It gives me chance to miss him, to appreciate how much he does and just generally be happy we are together.

However if you feel you cannot be happy around him then there are issues. Talking about splitting up is a bit harsh and after 7 years unless there is EA or DV etc then you shouldn't be throwing the towel in yet. Have a chat with him and make him aware he needs to be less needy and try and make time to do fun things as a couple and a family

I love my husband and I love when he goes away for a week or two. I love having my own space for a bit.

DfanjoUnchained Wed 17-Jul-13 16:41:43

Who the fuck are all you people 'skipping around the house' ? grin

DfanjoUnchained Wed 17-Jul-13 16:42:26

Op, he sounds quite high maintenance. Maybe discuss this with him on his arrival

thispunderfullife Wed 17-Jul-13 18:14:37

Well it's usually ok between us but communication does break down completely at least once a week! Hes home now and I am happy to see him, so possibly completely normal as a lot of you are saying. We have been having a stressful time recently, so that could be part of it!

Fraxinus Wed 17-Jul-13 18:44:44

It is a message that you need to do your own thing a bit more. That's all. Does he spend any time in sole charge of dc while you go off and do a hobby/ course?

thispunderfullife Wed 17-Jul-13 18:57:05

Yes he does, I guess I just feel more myself and less constrained when I'm alone.

GrimmaTheNome Wed 17-Jul-13 19:01:58

> I just feel more myself and less constrained

hmm... that sounds like something you should think about. Sure, we all adapt somewhat to other people being around, but you have a right to 'be yourself'.

thebody Wed 17-Jul-13 19:10:11

I love my dh to bits but equally enjoy time he is away.

love not having to talk on the evenings and be able to read/ mumsnet and no bloody top gear or monster trucks.

still 6 months in OZ was a trial. 😃

PoppyWearer Wed 17-Jul-13 19:13:18

I enjoy it when DH is away, but like it when he comes back too.

It's normal to enjoy time away from each other in an established relationship, IMO/IME. But you should want to see each other and look forward to that once the time is up.

TheCatIsUpTheDuff Wed 17-Jul-13 19:23:35

I love it when DH goes away. I let the cat sleep on the bed, eat things he doesn't like, get up early on weekend mornings and don't have to be quiet, all those things that were fair compromises when he moved in (he compromised on other stuff) but that I miss about living alone.

But, I'm always pleased to see him when he comes home. My mum feels the same about my stepdad, and they've been happily married for 20 years.

Is there an end in sight to the things that are causing you stress? Can you tackle those together?

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