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To think if a man doesn't want a baby he should make it his business to wear a condom

(435 Posts)
JaffaMyCake Mon 15-Jul-13 11:57:02

A friend of mine has got pregnant off a casual FWB situation. She's ok with this and intends to keep the baby even though she isn't in a relationship with the father.

However the father has gone absolutely ballistic, called her a bitch etc and demands she has an abortion. He's adamant he doesn't want the baby or to pay child support.

The situation regarding contraception is that it was just never discussed and they continually had unprotected sex for about 3 months. He never asked if she was on the pill and she never told him she was.

So AIBU to think if he so adamantly did not want a baby with this woman he should have bloody well used protection, regardless of whether she suggested it or not?

SarahAndFuck Thu 18-Jul-13 00:02:45

revealall - are you replying to me?

I'm not assuming that all sex is for fun.

I'm saying that we do not know what motive the OP's friend had. She hasn't posted here and the OP doesn't know for certain that her friend was intentionally tried to become pregnant, she has assumed so. If any of this is even true, as the OP has vanished having started a bunfight.

It's unfair to accuse the friend, if she is real, of tricking someone when we do not know what her motives were.

It's been pointed out time and again that neither of these people used contraception. Both were equally responsible for doing so, neither bothered. Her motives are no more questionable than his.

By saying this - "So why do the majority assume that the default position for sex isn't about having a baby? Some want a shag and they will hopefully protect themselves and some want a baby and won't." - you seem to be at least partly agreeing with me though, in saying that as he has no idea whether a woman wants sex for pleasure or for procreation he should have taken responsibility for himself and worn a condom.

revealall Wed 17-Jul-13 23:21:27

It's a bit of a male viewpoint to assume all sex is just for the fun of it don't you think?
Given that men don't give birth why would sex not be about the pleasure than the procreation. If they are shagging women who have 10 years tops of baby making (men of course can make children 20 years later) then it might be wise to consider an alternative viewpoint.
Some women hear the ticking of the clock.I did and some of my friends did. Some of my friends were undecided but realised they need ed to think about it quickly.
So why do the majority assume that the default position for sex isn't about having a baby? Some want a shag and they will hopefully protect themselves and some want a baby and won't.

Dione I would expect that most people in a relationship would have talked about the possibility of pregnancy being the result of unprotected sex, so if you do not want a baby then yes, I would expect any DH/ DP to always wear a condom or at least ensure that another form of contracetion is being used.
Stealth that made me crackup!! grin
OP, that poor baby! sad, the bloke is an idiot, but (if you are right and it was deliberate) your friend is a bitch.

tittytittyhanghang Wed 17-Jul-13 22:38:38

no he doesn't. But he accepts the fact that by having sex with me I might fall pregnant (although Im on the implant so the risk is significantly reduced).

No. Apart from anything else it would make going for a wee very difficult. I don't see the link though.

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 17-Jul-13 22:20:58

Can I just ask all of you who are saying "Your sperm, your responsibility" if your boyfriends/husbands etc. Always wear condoms?

MyBaby1day Wed 17-Jul-13 01:49:58

TOUGH

MyBaby1day Wed 17-Jul-13 01:49:38

YANBU, it's his responsibility too. Sounds like he had what he wants and now can't hack it-*TOUGH*, time to grow up!. It was partly her choice too but it looks like she's facing upto it at least. Sad really.

SarahAndFuck Tue 16-Jul-13 23:40:58

Revealall - does what matter?

The fact that the OP has made an assumption about her friend which none of us know is the truth? Yes, it does.

"Men can only aid in the process" - or they can wear a condom on every occasion they have casual sex with someone they don't want to have a baby with.

"Not sure why "not having a baby" is considered the standard seeing as actually there are more women than men! Perhaps that thinking should change in the future." - what? This makes no sense. More women than men where? The thinking of what? That men can be responsible for their own fertility?

revealall Tue 16-Jul-13 22:09:03

"SarahAndFuck" - Does it matter? Some women do want to get pregnant because they have the bits that enable that. They also have a limited time to do it in.
Men only aid the process and can do so for at least 20 years after women have to give up.

Not sure why "not having a baby" is considered the standard seeing as actually there are more women than men! Perhaps that thinking should change in the future.

tittytittyhanghang Tue 16-Jul-13 21:58:07

Well Dione if he did tell her that his sperm was in full working order he will surely have been aware of what happens to full working sperm is inserted into a womans vagina. Moral of the story - Your fertility is your look out, dont expect anyone else to take responsibility for it.

SarahAndFuck Tue 16-Jul-13 21:52:11

And we don't know that she wanted to use him to get pregnant. Maybe she didn't.

The OP (who hasn't come back for some time) assumed so. As did a lot of others on this thread.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 16-Jul-13 21:37:16

SPB we don't know that he didn't tell her that. Maybe he did.

kickassangel Tue 16-Jul-13 17:23:53

when you stick Mr. Happy inside somebody’s hoo-ha without a raincoat, that’s the kinda shit that happens.

(from True Blood).

Owllady Tue 16-Jul-13 16:55:11

He sounds like a right idiot. Did he miss the sex education classes at school? hmm

tittytittyhanghang Tue 16-Jul-13 16:54:50

If someone is adult enough to get it on, they must accept that they are adult enough to bear the consequences.

The voice of reason :D

CaptChaos Tue 16-Jul-13 16:51:31

Dione so, by your argument, he is equally guilty of lying by omission when he failed to disclose that he a) hadn't had the snip/wasn't infertile and b) that, despite the fact that he wasn't going to take any level of responsibility for his fertility, he would reserve the right to 'go ballistic' should the obvious happen and she becomes pregnant.

He deliberately didn't bring the subject up, because he is an irresponsible person, for whom consequences don't matter, until they are presented to him. And then he reserves the right to go ballistic about them.

Mumoftwoyoungkids I was trying, in a slightly cack-handed way, to suggest that there really aren't any circumstances under which it would be acceptable for a man who has fathered a child to be able to 'waive his responsibilities'. Even couples who take every precaution under the sun, up to and including taking the MAP run a risk of conception. If someone is adult enough to get it on, they must accept that they are adult enough to bear the consequences.

However, loving the 'It's the woman's fault, the scheming bitch' comments, good to see that misogynistic double standards are alive and well! hmm

tittytittyhanghang Tue 16-Jul-13 15:46:23

IMO it doesn't matter if she wanted to get pregnant or not. This is 2013 people, woman cant get pregnant on their own, and unless they knock a man out cold and steal his sperm, we cant trick them neither.

What is so hard to understand that a man is solely responsible for his own fertility. Since men cant have babies they are given a clear choice pre piv. Either abstain, get the snip, or wear a condom (bearing in mind that the latter two only minimise the risk of pregnancy and only the abstaining 100% guarantees no pregnancy ). ITS NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE. Once they have made their choice, it is then out of their hands, and if the end result is not what they want, then they only have themselves to blame.

As an aside, as a woman, I would never assume that a man had had a snip, or taken their pill (if it was available). Who the fuck relies on a fwb to take care of their contraception.

But he didnt disclose that hed done nothing about contraception either. I fail to see the difference really. He deliberately didnt say oh and my little swimmers are still fully wriggly

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 16-Jul-13 15:10:25

SPB the OP said that she thinks that her friend deliberately did not bring up the issue because she wanted to get pregnant. The deliberate non disclosure of pertinent information is a lie of omission.

And they had been having sex for 3 months, had they been in a relationship for 3 months I bet a lot less people would be screaming about STI's. Unless every person on this thread had their partners tested before they decided to have children?

"she didnt ever say she was on the pill. He didnt ever say he'd had the snip. Yet she is being called a liar and he the victim. Why?"

^^That.

He's the fool if he didn't even ask, they're both old enough to know what sex leads to and if he didn't want a child then he should have used protection, just as she should have if she didn't.

He had a choice to use a condom, he didn't bother.

My opinion would be a little more sympathetic had she lied but still pretty much the same. You take control of your own fertility and any man that calls a woman a bitch and demands an abortion because he chose not to use protection is an utter twunt.

cumfy Tue 16-Jul-13 14:52:26

So what happens if she now finds out that she and the baby have contracted HIV from him ?

Now it's too late for her to have a "tantrum" re their unprotected sex.

What a wonderful world, eh ?

revealall Tue 16-Jul-13 14:37:22

"I suppose what I'm trying to say is she holds all the cards now to his future, she still has choices but he doesn't"

How's that then? A man still has the choice about involvement or not. The CSA has nothing to do with contact. He can also escape the CSA fairly easily if the woman involved doesn't know his details/moving abroad /being self employed etc. He's home free until the CSA make contact which can be many years down the line and none of it is back dated.

Women still have to make the worse choice which is whether to kill the potential life inside them.

Dione, she didnt ever say she was on the pill. He didnt ever say he'd had the snip. Yet she is being called a liar and he the victim. Why?

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