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To wonder when my dh will tell me..

(76 Posts)
Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 13:54:56

That he has a savings account with the lads for a holiday to Las Vegas. I found out this morning about the account but have no idea when he intends on going or for how long. We have a ds in school and I work shifts so am assuming he intends for me to take holidays to get ds to and from school.

I wouldn't mind if he had discussed his plans with me but feel like he has really taken the piss by not even telling me. Aibu or not?

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 14:44:09

Lol I can't afford Blackpool on my wage. We are saving all the extra money we can to put towards our mortgage. Or so I thought. Don't get me wrong dh earns 3 times as much as me but if I needed extra he would give me it. There is no issue there. Just wish he would consider me and ds more.

purrpurr Fri 12-Jul-13 14:45:14

What's the problem with his mum watching ds? Then you could have a break too. It might give you the strength to address why your OH is being a dick.

I am bit puzzled about the "its his money approach" too. I am the main earner and DH is self employed. I wouldn't allocate a large chunk of my earnings to something solely for my benefit without a family discussion. The only situation where this would be OK (which might be what you do) is if you both get the same amount of "pocket money" each month and he has saved up his for this.

BadLad Fri 12-Jul-13 14:48:46

There's something wrong if you can't afford Blackpool and he can afford Las Vegas. I know you said there was no issue with money, but something seems amiss. It might not be him keeping it all for himself, but at the very least it looks like you have different ideas about how much to spend and how much to save, and that can be a world of problems in itself.

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 14:53:41

No issue with his mum watching ds she helps us out a lot when we need her. Just wouldn't book a break away at same time assuming she would have him she has a life too. Also we have another on the way shortly and not knowing when this holiday is or for how long has pissed me off.

We don't have joint accounts or wages. Everything comes out his account and I pay a set amount in there each month appropriate to our wage difference to cover my share. What's left in our own accounts is ours to do as we wish.

He works 24/7 in order to earn what he does and afford trips like he is planning however what he forgets is a facilitate that by doing everything else to keep the family home going. He does nothing. Where it was fine when the extra money was going towards the family home I don't think it's justified to take large amounts of it for such an expensive trip when I am left home holding the fort

purrpurr Fri 12-Jul-13 14:59:57

Momma, you need to talk to him. The whole situation sounds horrible. His life appears to be entirely unchanged by the arrival of DS and he's got a significantly higher quality of life than you do. This is not how it should be.

BadLad Fri 12-Jul-13 15:04:04

Where it was fine when the extra money was going towards the family home I don't think it's justified to take large amounts of it for such an expensive trip when I am left home holding the fort

I don't think so either, and nor does anyone on the thread.

Now you need to tell him.

Lots of issues to talk about. He is taking the piss completely by making plans of this scale behind your back. It isn't fair that there is such an apparent discrepancy in the spending money. He isn't appreciating what you do around the house. He isn't spending enough family time if he is working around the clock to go on holiday without his family.

I work long hours and earn around 8x what DH does, even if I pay all the bills I still have more money left each month than he would. I couldn't justify spending that on myself and leaving him with less.

AnyFucker Fri 12-Jul-13 16:18:50

He sounds like a selfish twat, actually who views you as little more than a domestic appliance

Like a faithful old washing machine that will still be rumbling away in the background, keeping the wheels of family life turning while he does as he pleases

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 16:50:46

That's sums up how he has made me feel. Part of me wants to let it run to see when he will tell me but not sure i could hold my tongue that long

AnyFucker Fri 12-Jul-13 16:56:57

I wouldn't hold my tongue

How demeaning that you find these things out from others angry

Squitten Fri 12-Jul-13 17:01:19

I wouldn't be holding my tongue. I would be absolutely furious!

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 17:16:31

I am furious but have been here before regardless of what is said he will go if he wants to. I am more upset than angry now as It feels like he does not value me in the slightest. Pissed off now that I spent 2 hours getting all his holiday stuff ready for him as he is working until we go however he is managing a full day of golf on Sunday. Just lobbed the lot back in his drawers he can do it his bloody self.

Squitten Fri 12-Jul-13 17:20:16

Sounds like you need to have a long conversation about where things are going here. Are you prepared to accept living like this forever?

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 17:25:17

It's who he is. Have lived like this for 14 years we have. Child and soon to have another. I honestly don't think he understands the problem and why something like this would upset me. I have tried to spell it out but it doesn't change. Everything else between us is great and I am happy enough with how things are. I want to see him succeed and I get the balance I like between work and enough time with my son. I just wish he would be less selfish with things like this and value me as a partner more.

I think you should do this to him. Book yourself a day out somewhere or a girls weekend and tell him at the very last minute. See how he reacts.

CHJR Fri 12-Jul-13 18:27:00

Could this not be something his mates suggested last night, and the message that came in on phone this a.m. was a first follow-up? I do think it's weird for a DH to put away money, and to plan a holiday, without telling DP, but maybe he just hasn't committed yet or had time to ask you? YANBU to check with him but don't despair of a reasonable answer.

holidaysarenice Fri 12-Jul-13 18:35:37

Tbh I think it comes to this, if you wanted to go to vegas would he yap if you took the money out?

Also is it easier not to tell you than listen to a whinge about it?

Is dp, ds's father because that is a different way of looking at childcare?

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 18:36:40

No it's not a recent thing by the sound of the text been paying in for a while and the account is all set up. His fried had text saying he needed to withdraw some if the money he had put into their Las Vegas trip account (125) ad he would repay it next month wanted my dh to cosign for him to withdraw it. So no I don't think sadly its a recent thing.

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 18:38:10

Yes I totally think he feels its easier just not to tell me and yes he is ds's father. To make it worse have had ds all upset this afternoon at not having seen his dad all week

libertine73 Fri 12-Jul-13 18:44:43

I (would like to ) think that he thinks it's going to come to nothing, or has no intention of going, and is just waiting for the right time to tell 'the lads'.
Otherwise, he's being a sneaky bastard if nothing more sinister. I can never imagine my DP doing anything like this, and would be gutted at the deceit.

Tackle him IMO ask him WTF is going on? not in all guns blazing,let him explain, he must have an explanation or he's a twat?!

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 19:04:21

I know him well was probably his idea.

Bearbehind Fri 12-Jul-13 19:29:48

This is all a bit weird. Aside from deliberately hiding this from you, why would he want to spend that kind of money on a lads holiday when he is a husband and father of 2.

I mean if it were a stag do or something then that's not so bad but a trip to Vegas won't be cheap and the fact he wants to do that with his mates rather than something with his family rings alarm bells to me.

Sounds to me like he doesn't take any of his responsibilites seriously.

He lies by omission, favours himself financially, doesn't prioritise spending time with the children and expects you ( or his mum) to pick up the childcare and home duties. There is more to contributing to the family than providing a pay packet!

Broodymomma Fri 12-Jul-13 20:16:30

I know you are all right. He is home now can't even speak to him am so hurt, I predict as soon as its mentioned he will go in a strop and just ride it out. No matter what I say he will go. Just can't face the argument I know will come. Have come up to bed just said I was tired. Can't even look at him am so annoyed.

Ds was begging him for a new game when he got in and he said no almost chocked when ds said "daddy haven't you got any savings" - ironic!!

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