Ex expecting dd to share a room with him

(124 Posts)
Worriedmind Fri 12-Jul-13 13:12:09

Name changed.

Dd has had little contact with father, his own choice.
Hasnt seen her in a long time. He has now asked for over night contact on a regular basis.

DD is a preteen and just hit puberty, exh has no spare bedroom so she would have to share with him or sleep on the sofa.

He is the kind of person who goes to bed very late playing on the computer so essentially dd would be kept awake until he went to bed and have no privacy at all, shes a bit mortified about all this.

Worriedmind Sat 13-Jul-13 19:17:28

Yes he is messaging and texting me after no contact in ages.
I do work but not on a massive income.

He has never ever phoned dd ever despite it being free for him.

ImperialBlether Sat 13-Jul-13 19:23:54

OK, can you read what you've said back and think about it again? It's so clear to us and you must be in a state of panic thinking that it will go to court and you will look neglectful.

You pay for everything for your daughter. You cook for her and clean and are with her when she's sick. You know who her friends are and what upsets her. One of the things that upsets her is the behaviour of her father. Do you think a court wouldn't see that? They want what's best for a child. Do you really think they'd want her to travel for several hours to see him when a) he doesn't ever contact her, b) he's unreliable and has let her down consistently, c) he hasn't paid a penny maintenance and d) her mother needs the little money she has to put food on the table and clothes on her child.

Perhaps you could send him a text saying, "Oh Child has grown out of her shoes and her coat and I just can't afford the £40 for them. And her bed has broken and I'll have to replace it. It's going to be at least £80. Could you please help me out?"

I don't think you'd hear from him again.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Sat 13-Jul-13 19:36:49

I think you're panicking unnecessarily too. As Imperial says, you do everything for DD, he does nothing. No court is going to take his word over yours, given his previous behaviour and violence. Even though your DD is relatively young, her opinion would still hold some sway.

I'd insist all contact is through a solicitor and ignore his calls, texts etc. If he continues to harass you, involve the police.

pigletmania Sat 13-Jul-13 19:47:56

Worried, you are worried over nothing. You rovide everything for your dd both material and emotional, he has provided nothing! You ar not rolling in money yourself, and need that to provide a roof over your dd head and food on the table. If h wants to see her, he can bloody well get a job(s) anything, that will help him afford to run a car to see his dd, he cannot be bloody bothered an the courts will see that. I don't think they can make you take her to him, where is the extra money goin to come from?

ImperialBlether Sat 13-Jul-13 19:53:28

What's all this business about a car anyway? He wants you to go on public transport, doesn't he? Why can't he do that? He could get up early (I'm not going to be surprised if you say that won't happen) and get a train/coach by 9 am and he'd be there before lunch. He could take her out for lunch and to the cinema (something else tells me that's not going to happen either) and then he can get back on the coach/train and bugger off back again. He could do that every weekend if he wanted to.

pigletmania Sat 13-Jul-13 20:09:12

Exactly imperial. Op said that ex could not afford to run a car to see dd, and was expecting op to take her there. He has two legs he can use public transport, that's what any decent parent would do. But something tells me that he would not do that as he is too lazy. He would have to prove to the courts that he has made every effort with his dd and be a responsible parent. His track record says other wise

ImperialBlether Sat 13-Jul-13 20:28:30

Yes, I think that's what the OP has to bear in mind. She has to be reasonable but so does her ex. Her reasonableness will be in taking turns, allowing contact and phone calls, but his will be in making a bloody effort.

God, I wish we had Judge Judy over here - she'd sort him out!

2rebecca Sat 13-Jul-13 20:36:27

If he wants to see her then he saves up his money and comes over, if he's not seen her much then he just visits and takes her out for the day at first. if he has nowhere suitable for a teenage daughter to stay then she doesn't stay over.
I'm infavour of dads having contact but he has to be willing to put some money and effort in and staying overnight is only sensible if he can clarify to her and you inadvance where she will be staying that isn't a sofa or sharing his bed.
Him picking her up and you collecting her may be a compromise but the sleeping situation needs resolving. She shouldn't be disadvantaged through spending time with her dad.

Worriedmind Sat 13-Jul-13 20:37:57

Basically his on/off long term partner is not with him now and he is annoying us instead!

I asked him how he would help with the costs of travel for overnights, he said he would pay in full then then said hours later he cannot do this while not working.

When she refused overnights he then said he wanted her every other weekend, I said great I will come there one weekend, you come here the next, oh no he replied I cant do that until I get a job.

Infact for him to come it would mean 18 minutes to the city and 56 minutes to our nearest city where we would meet him and cost him around £12.

Where as for me and dd we would need to catch a bus (thirty minutes) to nearest rail station, then forty minutes to city station and then 56 minutes to his nearest city and then 18 minutes to his local station and then walk to where ever his house is and all the waiting inbetween for trains and cost us around £35 plus.

He is being ridiculaus (sp?)

ImperialBlether Sat 13-Jul-13 20:40:48

I think you need to stop the conversations by making demands of him that he can't meet, eg giving money towards her clothes or by saying he has to be the one to make the effort travelling.

He has shown no sign of wanting involvement with your child. He's not a good dad. He is bored and a bit lonely I daresay, and he thinks she'll save him from that.

I'm all for dads sharing care etc, but not when they're like him.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Sat 13-Jul-13 20:50:29

De lurking. OP, what stuck with me is the mention you had to leave your home as he was smashing up the place and hitting you.

Have you reported this or could you report it historically?

With the knowledge if the above situation, the courts would see that you are safeguarding a child from a violent person.

I second getting a solicitor to write about the past violence and current fear your daughter has of her father and inform your ex that overnight is not appropriate.

Good luck.

pigletmania Sat 13-Jul-13 21:02:38

Worried he has to take responsibility an that is coming to see his dd, not op having to take her teir and her paying Noway. Past violence, even more ammunition against him

Sallyingforth Sat 13-Jul-13 21:17:21

Would a court look badly on me not taking her to him

I said great I will come there one weekend

OP you are over-thinking this. Listen to what people are telling you.
You do not have to take her. She lives with you.
If he wants to see her he must make the arrangements. It's not your responsibility. End of.

Worriedmind Sat 13-Jul-13 21:26:33

Thank you, I know I am panicking, I am listening, I am just scared.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 13-Jul-13 21:55:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 13-Jul-13 21:56:45

Either way he's not going to be expecting you to leap into action or make an instant decision and he is not going to be able to do anything instantly.

It will take you ages to get through but they are professional qualified and very good, give these people a call and put your mind at rest

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

AnAirOfHope Sat 13-Jul-13 22:43:26

I think I would give him an email address and change my phone number so all contact was in writting.

Tell him you and dd will meet him in a midway city everyother Saturday/Sunday and to confirm he will be there via email at noon on the Friday. Then check the email every Friday. I dont think you will get meny emails.

AnAirOfHope Sat 13-Jul-13 22:45:25

If he emailed you to say he will be there and doesnt show, reply in email and three strikes and then close email down.

Good luck.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 14-Jul-13 14:26:03

Also if you show up and he does not after saying he will, buy a coffee or anything near the arranged location and ask for a receipt and keep it bung it in a folder with a copy of emails.

Proof you did show up just incase he lies.

Worriedmind Sun 14-Jul-13 16:53:08

Ok so I emailed him telling him if he was going to start contact again it had to be regular and dd had to know when he was next Coming as she has sen and not knowing is messing her up. I asked if he couldn't come every other fortnight could he every month or other month on a day so she knew when he was coming.

I also asked what happened on her birthday as he said he had paid money into her bank and she went to bank for it and nothing there.

He saw it at half one as it says seen on FB but didn't reply.

pigletmania Sun 14-Jul-13 17:10:09

Worried, I would just leave it now, and leave it up to him.

Worriedmind Sun 14-Jul-13 17:18:53

I am. I have printed out all my messages so I can now prove i encouraged regular contact.

pigletmania Sun 14-Jul-13 17:51:59

That's good, keep them in a file as evidence. And relax, I personally think he's too lazy to do anything

Sallyingforth Sun 14-Jul-13 18:02:11

Great. You've done all the right things. Now sit back and leave it to him.

I don't know why others have said meet him half way. You certainly don't need to, and your DD will be more worried meeting him in unfamiliar surroundings.

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