... to have an argument with SIL over her post about controlled crying?

(362 Posts)
katykuns Fri 12-Jul-13 11:45:18

Post: 'Dear mommy,

I am confused.
I am used to falling asleep in your soft, warm arms. Each night I lay snuggled close to you; close enough to hear your heartbeat, close enough to smell your sweet fragrance. I gaze at your beautiful face as I gently drift off to sleep, safe and secure in your loving embrace. When I awaken with a growling stomach, cold feet or because I need a cuddle, you attend to me quickly and before long I am sound asleep once again.
But this last week has been different.

Gentle, Tear-Free Sleep Solution
Each night this week has gone like this. You tucked me up into my cot and kissed me goodnight, turned out the light and left. At first I was confused, wondering where you’d gone. Soon I became scared, and called for you. I called and called for you mummy, but you wouldn’t come! I was so sad, mummy. I wanted you so badly. I’ve never felt feelings that strong before. Where did you go?
Eventually you came back! Oh, how happy and relieved I was that you came back! I thought you had left me forever! I reached up to you but you wouldn’t pick me up. You wouldn’t even look me in the eye. You lay me back down with those soft warm arms, said “shh, it’s night time now” and left again.
This happened again, over and over. I screamed for you and after a while, longer each time, you would return but you wouldn’t hold me.
After I had screamed a while, I had to stop. My throat hurt so badly. My head was pounding and my tiny tummy was growling. My heart hurt the most, though. I just couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t come.
After what felt like a lifetime of nights like this, I gave up. You don’t come when I scream, and when you do finally come you won’t even look me in the eye, let alone hold my shaking, sobbing little body. The screaming hurt too much to carry on for very long.
I just don’t understand, mummy. In the daytime when I fall and bump my head, you pick me up and kiss it better. If I am hungry, you feed me. If I crawl over to you for a cuddle, you read my mind and scoop me up, covering my tiny face with kisses and telling me how special I am and how much you love me. If I need you, you respond to me straight away.
But at night time, when it’s dark and quiet and my night-light casts strange shadows on my wall, you disappear. I can see that you’re tired, mummy, but I love you so much. I just want to be near to you, that’s all.
Now, at night time, I am quiet. But I still miss you.'

She doesn't understand why it's angered me. In my opinion, it's emotional blackmail and utterly manipulative. I did controlled crying with DD1, but she was naturally a good sleeper so it wasn't really a challenging experience. DD2 isn't a great sleeper, and we do try for a few minutes to see if she will settle, but get her back up when she doesn't.
As I see it, this is written by an adult projecting her own feelings about CC onto others through the form of a poor vulnerable baby, it really doesn't sit right with me at all.
I don't really agree with co-sleeping, but I never would post stuff like this to upset people doing co-sleeping.

bumbleymummy Fri 12-Jul-13 11:57:20

I agree with the sentiment behind it. Sounds like you feel guilty about your decision to use CC.

DuelingFanjo Fri 12-Jul-13 11:59:25

She didn't post it to upset you. She posted it because it's what she believes.

If you don't like what she puts on her facebook then you can adjust your settings so they don't come up in your feed.

"She posts up about stuff about how parents should breastfeed their children"

and... ?

mynameisslimshady Fri 12-Jul-13 12:00:38

Delete her of fb them you don't have to read her opinions anymore, she is entitled to have them, she is entitled to express them, causing an argument about it will only wind you up and make her feel like she has made her point.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 12-Jul-13 12:00:48

i didn't do CC, we did co sleeping for a time too. Well, i say sleeping but there wasn't much of that grin And personally, I don't agree with CC at all.

I say that so you know where I am coming from when I say the following

She's an arse.

What is the point of putting something like that out there unless you're trying to upset people and make them feel like shit?

It is really manipulative and in intent, really quite spiteful.

She is being extremely hurtful and she'd have to be a raging fool not to see that.

However people who feel strongly about this kind of thing (much like those who feel strongly about, say, abortion) don't seem to care very much that being so openly hurtful will really upset others.

I find it hard to be friends with people with such set views tbh.

MeeWhoo Fri 12-Jul-13 12:02:35

I co-sleep and have no intention of doing CC but I still find it very poor taste..

katykuns Fri 12-Jul-13 12:03:07

DuelingFanjo - Of course I don't feel there's anything wrong with believing with breastfeeding is best, but most of my BF don't feel the need to post lots of stuff to effectively preach how important it is to others. Same with sleep techniques etc.

bumbleymummy Fri 12-Jul-13 12:04:36

Maybe it just makes people think about CC from a different point of view. I think a lot of people think they should use CC and have to train their babies to sleep otherwise it will never happen. It doesn't help that some HVs spout that sort of crap too and then friends/family share their opinions and so it continues.

Hmm. That's phrased wrong I meant people who are publicly so set about certain things, with no sympathy for others aren't easy to be friends with.

Mumsyblouse Fri 12-Jul-13 12:04:52

I firmly believe that, once babies are capable of sleeping through the night, that good quality sleep is incredibly important, wherever and however it takes place- and a little CC or bedsharing along the way is no big deal, but to deny your children and yourself proper deep restful sleep is quite crap parenting, but I wouldn't write a blackmailing post about it.

maja00 Fri 12-Jul-13 12:08:33

I didn't do CC because I agree with her about how babies feel when left to scream alone.

I wouldn't post something like that though because I assume other parents know that their baby is distressed, thirsty, uncomfortable etc but have decided it is still the best thing for them to do on balance.

hmm. I did co sleeping and it was shit. Attempted cc and it was shit.

Trying to work out how to get some sleep from a non sleeping baby is shit in everyway possible.

This whole preachy preachy mummy view from mummies who quite frankly need a hobby not a forum like FB to air their preachiness makes me vomit in my mouth. shock at an anti abortion post being 'shared' on fb. Disgraceful.

I would probably post something along the lines of 'This made me vomit in my mouth' after a few too many glasses on wine grin.

NinaJade666 Fri 12-Jul-13 12:09:34

She didn't write it she copied and pasted from a gentle parenting site. I have read it before and it helped to confirm to me that the way I'm choosing to parent at night is right for me and my baby.

It reads (very well IMO) from a baby's perspective of CC/CIO methods.

If you are happy with your choices it shouldn't affect you. An argument about it will never be a good idea. People are never really going to be swayed unless they are on the fence on the issue which she clearly isn't.

This post may help someone who is thinking about it, or being pressured into doing CC/CIO by a family member.

Hide her posts if stuff she puts up continues to make you feel guilty about your parenting choices. Problem solved.

of wine

I really don't like CC (did it with DS1, it was horrible, it worked for 2 weeks and then stopped working so I would have had to start again but I wasn't going to put us through it). If somebody asked, I would advise against it but your SIL's post is...... actually I can't find a word for it. Awful and wrong don't do it justice. Why would anybody post this bollocks? the principle is right, for me anyway, why leave your baby to cry for hours ( and it can be hours) at night when you wouldn't ignore them during the day but to put it in those saccharine sweet, overly sentimental terms is just, well, yuck. I can't find the right adjectives today! It puts my back up and I agree with her in principle.

I agree, hide her posts if she does this sort of thing often.

NinaJade666 Fri 12-Jul-13 12:11:22

bumbleymummy Agreed.

Embracethemuffintop Fri 12-Jul-13 12:14:13

I don't think she is an arse and I don't think it is 'vomit inducing' to talk about how a small baby would feel about CC. It makes me feel very emotional and sad. I am saying this as a mother of 4 children, 2 of whom I did CC with and 2 of whom I was more AP with. I have a 7 year age gap between number 2 and number 3. I very much regret doing CC, and feel very strongly that CC is emotionally damaging and so do my older children.

Mumsyblouse Fri 12-Jul-13 12:14:49

I don't think it is clear that a baby or toddler benefits from having exceptionally tired parents either- I could post about 'why does my mummy sometimes snap at me and look away and her eyes have gone all baggy?' 'why I am labelled as disruptive at nursery as I feel my limbs and legs are so heavy, why am I just not myself?' crap- that might be how some of the desperate children and parents attending sleep clinics having not cracked sleeping for years feel, but it would be really wicked of me to start writing this shit to point out they made choices years ago that led down this path. I don't associate this with one method, by the way, just to illustrate that lots of things are pretty awful if you are two or three as well as 6 months old, and writing blackmailing posts about it wouldn't be a nice thing to do.

Nobody knows what a babies perspective of controlled crying is. How can you possibly know?! You can guess but your guess is influenced by your own opinions.

We took very different approaches with DD and DS because their personalities and sleep habits were so different.

babyhmummy01 Fri 12-Jul-13 12:15:53

wow that is seriously evil!

whatever choices you make with regards to how you parent are entirely yours and no one should impose their views or IMO even offer their opinion unless asked for it!

I would ignore her cos it probably isn't worth the family fall out in the long run, but if she actually says anything to your face then point out that she made her choices and you have made yours and would appreciate it if she kept her unsolicited opinions to herself

"I think it's just a not very nice post and would hate to be someone starting out with CC and feel awful after reading this"

That's you, though and not someone who wants to make a parent think twice and putting the baby's needs first.

You should't not give eye contact and controlled crying shouldn't be used under 6 months,t here was another thread were a friend was using CC from birth, which will damage the baby.

At least these "share's and status's" get people talking.

You have summed it up yourself, a baby is vulnerable and needs the adults around them to take care of their needs. You are not doing what she is speaking out for, you return to your child and get them up, you don't leave them in distress. So your argument is unreasonable.

cornypony Fri 12-Jul-13 12:17:08

YANBU it's nasty judgemental drivel

I thought I'd done CC with ds2 but from reading stuff on here I realise I did that shush pat thing.
She may think differently if baby number 2 doesn't sleep for months on end.

HaroldLloyd Fri 12-Jul-13 12:19:27

I don't do controlled crying and if this sort of mawkish drivel appeared with regularity on my feed I'd hide her.

Eyesunderarock Fri 12-Jul-13 12:20:29

Like Nina said, it's been spamming around on facebook and parenting sites for a couple of years at least.
Your SIL didn't write it, she 'liked' it and shared.
There are a thousand and one parenting dogmas out there every week, some more annoying than others.

treas Fri 12-Jul-13 12:21:02

So glad people know what is going on in the head of someone else - be they a baby or an adulthmm

Judgemental like half the posters on here.

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