Not to be tested as a tissue match for estranged brother who needs kidney?

(229 Posts)
GoodTouchBadTouch Thu 11-Jul-13 12:53:25

My husbands brother is 28 and having dialysis (?) 3 times a week, we aren't in contact with him, haven't been for years, no big bust up, he was just a bit of a wanker as a teenager, and identifies as a communist so there was no reason to see him again when we moved. We have only seen his mother twice in 10 years.

My husband still speaks with his mother (the are Scandinavian) and she told him a while ago that its getting to the point where he will need a transplant and my husband straight away said to count him out.

She was horrified and got upset. My husband said he doesn't want to go over to be tested as there is no point and we haven't heard from her for a while but I can see it being brought up again if she isn't a match. (she is diabetic anyway)

Im relieved he feels this way of course, but didn't forbid it or anything. I was reminded by the organ thread and just wondered what you would do? As we are quite cut-off I can only see one point of view. Ours. I hope we aren't being unreasonable... I don't think so

DeWe Tue 16-Jul-13 10:10:17

Dm has a friend whose son's kidney failed when he was 10yo. Although he was very ill she did not want his sister (only 2 dc in family) to be tested to see if she was a match because she said "at present I have one healthy child, and one very sick child. If she donates a kidney and becomes ill due to that, I have two very sick children, and the guilt that I put her through it."

Her ds eventually found a cousin who was a very good match, but unfortunately the kidney failed after a few years. Dm still didn't want his (now adult) sister tested even though she offered, as she still felt the same way.

WeAreEternal Tue 16-Jul-13 07:51:51

I have several siblings who I have different levels on contact with, some I speak to often, and one who I rarely see or speak to. But I would give them all an organ without question.

I also have an estranged sibling, none if us really speak to them due to (IMO) unforgivable behaviour from their late teen years and their general sociopathic tendencies.
I wouldn't even consider being tested for them, I don't consider them family and wouldn't give them anything.

pigletmania Tue 16-Jul-13 07:46:19

Totally understand Good, just because they are family does not give them a god given right to your organs. Dh brother is in the past for a reason, I am sure if the boot was on the other foot, op would not accept the kidney, however from reading te op, I don't think dh brother would donate to him somehow

Ledkr Tue 16-Jul-13 07:29:18

Have to add that my dh (ds step father) is being tested as a match.
It is a big op yes but we have been to lots if seminars and for a young fit person it's ok but bigger op than the recipient.
That wouldn't put me off personally.
I'm sad I can't do it for him.

Ledkr Tue 16-Jul-13 07:23:09

My son needs a kidney. I can't donate as I'm have cancer.
He has two brothers. One has offered the other hasn't as he is scared and also has a young child.
Ds totally understands and doesn't want anyone to do it under pressure.
YANBU but if its simply because of what he did in his youth then I think you are.

GoodTouchBadTouch Tue 16-Jul-13 07:04:17

"It's sounds like brother was a bit of a tit as a teen. Maybe he was unhappy or attention seeking? He is probably a mature adult now? Brother could die. You are being very hard hearted."

Brother is a bit of a tit now too actually. He effectively disowned my husband for half baked political ideas. He has had years to pick up the phone and say "Gosh I was a bit of a tit wasn't I? Sorry about that"

Would it be easier to imagine how my husband feels if he had been sneered at for being poor all these years? Or gay? Or for having illegitimate children? or for marrying a non white person? Would that make his decision more understandable to you?

invicta Tue 16-Jul-13 03:53:13

You are not being unreasonable. Kidney donation is a major operation.

Hundreds of people need kidney donations. Alot of people said they would donate. Maybe they should be tested to see if any (non related) person matches their kidney, and then they could help save someone's life.

formicadinosaur Tue 16-Jul-13 03:37:25

It's sounds like brother was a bit of a tit as a teen. Maybe he was unhappy or attention seeking? He is probably a mature adult now? Brother could die. You are being very hard hearted. What if the shoe was on the other foot? You would want him help your DH live.

Morloth Tue 16-Jul-13 00:14:06

There are 3 people in the world I would give a body part to as a living donor.

DH (though we would be having a serious discussion about what was best for the boys, i.e. the risk of both of us dying versus just one of us), and my DS's.

I am fairly certain that I would not accept any body part from my children, the thought horrifies me, I believe I would rather die. I have already had a great time in my life at a young age, there is no chance I would compromise their ability to do so in order to gain a few more years.

My siblings/their children are on their own with this. We are close and I do love them, but I love my children more and their need to have their parent with them trumps most others as far as I am concerned.

Obviously I would not expect anyone to donate to me.

I give blood and am on the register for organ donation if I die.

But while I am still using them, they are mine and I am not willing to share.

GoodTouchBadTouch Mon 15-Jul-13 23:55:19

I don't know if I would've stopped him. I think I would've been entitled to an input into his decision. But I cant say Im not hugely relieved.

Im pretty sure he wont feel guilty should the worst happen... like people have said, its not down to him and his brother isn't his responsibility.

I think a lot of people saying "I couldn't let my brother die" are having trouble imagining a sibling who they aren't remotely close to. They are probably immediately picturing a brother who they love but have fallen out with, and that argument would all be forgotten in a life or death situation, of course he could have a kidney! He is family!
Well that's just not the case with my husband. Surely its significant that even though the brother is very ill, my husband has no wish to visit/speak to him regardless?

Just reading the posts from Reindeer and the surgeon is all the info I need to justify it to myself really. Like so many have said: its not like giving blood

pigletmania Mon 15-Jul-13 07:52:07

Perplex have you read the whole thread! It's not as simple as ok have my kidney and away we go. Op dh could die himself, there are risks to him if he donates, if he does, his body could be in a more vulnerable position. It's a huge sacrifice and not one to betaken lightly. The donation probably would not go ahead anyway because his brother is not 100 sure. I could not do this for somebody who was vile and nasty to me, blood or not!

perplexedpirate Mon 15-Jul-13 07:31:04

I can't get my head round this. His brother could die, and he won't even attempt to help?? confused
How will he feel about their past relationship if/when his brother does die?

sydlexic Mon 15-Jul-13 07:17:33

I do not believe I could let anyone die if I could prevent it ( with obvious exceptions). I find it sad that so many would.

hesterton Mon 15-Jul-13 06:47:27

I am generally fairly generous but a kidney of mine would only go to someone I loved or respected highly, be they family or non-family. In my case that would include any of my siblings but only because I love or respect them. It would also include many friends and of course my children.

I think.

I don't know for sure though; how could I? I have never been placed in that situation.

And so I would never judge someone else who is placed in that situation, whatever their circumstances.

I don't believe you should ever, EVER make someone feel guilty for not offering up a kidney for anyone, be they family or non family.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Mon 15-Jul-13 02:52:33

I found the poster who said they would not forgive one of their children for not donating to the other very sad.

I love both my children unconditionally. That means I don't place conditions on it.

In the circumstances I think I would hope that one would donate to the other. But even that I'm not sure as the idea of risking losing both of them is pretty major.

olidusUrsus Mon 15-Jul-13 01:23:49

With the best will in the world GoodTouchBadTouch, you left a lot of information out of your OP. It did originally sound like you were being cold and refusing to even consider this because of the brother's political views. Before your updates, I would have said YABU.

But actually, I don't think you are. If I were in your situation I would go through every scrap of information about live donation and tell your DH's family just why you don't want to take this any further, medically and personally, without it sounding like an excuse.

I agree that he shouldn't be tested if he isn't even willing to consider donation, that would be cruel on the brother & his parents.

And I can say that I would not consider being a live organ donor. Once I am dead anyone is welcome to any useful part of me, but while I have a sick husband to care for, a step son to nurture and a daughter to raise, I will never consider live donation. I think it is admirable that some people can say they would commit to it so easily, I'm in awe and a little jealous.

I take it your DH would (rightly or wrongly) feel no guilt if his refusal coincided with a demise in his brother's condition, but I'm wondering how likely that would ever be? Is it likely that the brother won't survive much longer without a transplant? I have to admit, estranged or stranger, if all other routes were explored and I was asked again to consider donating as a last-chance-saloon, I would at least reconsider my decision.

If the brother declined quickly, would the 'what ifs' eat your DH apart? Or is he truly that far separated from his family that he would never feel remorse over his decision?

KobayashiMaru Mon 15-Jul-13 01:06:43

yes, but we moved on from just talking about the OP. I'm clearly responding to a poster other than the OP, no nasty family members mentioned.

pigletmania Mon 15-Jul-13 01:05:57

I am on the Organ donor register and would donate anything else, buta kidney is a huge thing

pigletmania Mon 15-Jul-13 01:04:32

Thats you kobaashi, op dh does not want to do it and op is supporting him, she is not preventing him. Really if someone was toxic towards you, ad violent you would risk your life and give them a kidney, well your a better person than I

KobayashiMaru Mon 15-Jul-13 00:58:36

yes, if one fails we have a back up. But if both have failed, you're fucked, and if you're a member of my family I'll give you one of mine. Even if you're a bit of a knob. I'm not saying at all that everyone should do it, but it does surprise me that someone might want to try and stop someone who wants to do it for a family member.

pigletmania Mon 15-Jul-13 00:50:10

Yours does too kobayashi. Op dp s estranged from his brother for a reason, if he under duress agrees to donate, ts a very lengthy proceedure, with testing and a long interview, if it canme out in the interview that he was not sure, and it could the donation would not go ahead. If my sibling was toxic and nasty and as a result I cut off contact, Noway would I donate

pigletmania Mon 15-Jul-13 00:45:55

If you read therest of the posts from experts and those who have been through it, it is a very risky proceedure, and dies make te donors body more vulnerable. We are born with 2 kidneys for a reason, if one fails we ave a back up

KobayashiMaru Mon 15-Jul-13 00:41:49

Er what? I said what about the children of the sibling who might die? And therefore be missing a parent? Do you not care about them?
I'm afraid your response makes little sense to me.

WafflyVersatile Mon 15-Jul-13 00:40:42

One kidney doesn't make you incapable of looking after your DC.

pigletmania Mon 15-Jul-13 00:39:09

Yes kobayashi they are the only siblings that would matter, as tey are depending on teir parents to look after them!

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