Bit scared I may have just unleashed bridezilla!

(72 Posts)
littlepeas Wed 10-Jul-13 08:36:30

Just told my sister she should not use a poem asking for money on her wedding website. I also told her why. Was asked to proof read it, not pass judgement on it, but I was very nice and offered alternative wording. I feel like I was reasonable, but feel all nervous about her response (was email).

TobyLerone Thu 11-Jul-13 16:06:43

Giving cash as a gift is fine. Asking for cash/anything for a gift is awful.

ajandjjmum Thu 11-Jul-13 16:00:45

Because it's presumptious to include gift requests with an invitation MrsMook. They are going to have to contact you to respond to the invite anyway, so could simply enquire about gift arrangements when they do so.

I think I must be very old! grin

MrsMook Thu 11-Jul-13 15:46:19

We put a note at the bottom saying that should you wish to give a gift, we'd appreciate money for future home improvements. There were things we wanted to upgrade as it had been years since DH bought the house and set himself up cheaply, but not enough things to fill a gift list.

One thing we did want was a Denby set. We live within 10 miles of the factory shop, so bought it in sales months later as seconds, over 50% cheaper than if we'd got first quality from somewhere like Debenhams with vouchers- to me that would be a total waste of guests' money.

In the year after the wedding we did up the entire upstairs, so the gifts did get used for purpose. Some people gave vouchers for IKEA and B&Q which were useful towards that. Unfortunately we had a substantial amount for M&S which were a pain to use well. We got a good towel set which matched the bathroom, but the other legacy of those vouchers is a pair of shoes that were too painful to break in and sit sadly in the bottom of a cupboard.

I don't get the issue of including information about gifts. Why make 60 odd sets of people chase you up to ask, because they'll want to give you something. Some people chose some personal gifts, and they were beautifully chosen as they'd put a concious thought into them.

The poems can be twee, and the one that OP rejected was not the best of the poems out there, but I have no issue in the couple being clear about what they'd like if the guests want to give something.

Pootles2010 Thu 11-Jul-13 15:34:21

I'd say don't mention it at all. If people want to know what you'd like they'll ask, and you can tell them then!

ENormaSnob Thu 11-Jul-13 15:30:07

That poem is one of the worst i've ever seen.

Pigsmummy Thu 11-Jul-13 15:06:48

It's all well and good saying don't mention gifts but people will ask, some will want to get you a gift as you have invited them to the wedding. I will never attend a wedding without a gift, many people feel the same way. So what's the way of avoiding all this angst about it?

Could a wedding list be drawn up (as genuinely there will always be something that you could do with or could do with being replaced at home) and on it also have an option for gift vouchers or cash? John Lewis and Debenhams let you put vouchers. Could one of the options be a special anonymous wish for the happy couple (in a nice pretty envelope), I.e. Gifts that don't cost any money etc

Damnautocorrect Wed 10-Jul-13 14:05:07

That poems awful! She can't send that. Yanbu!
My sil got it spot on can't remember the exact wording but it was we appreciate attending weddings is expensive, so you attending is a gift enough. But if you feel you must then a small amount towards the honeymoon would be appreciated

Mia4 Wed 10-Jul-13 12:49:06

YANBU to get rid of the poem but I'd second what someone said and put a bit on the website about being asked fora gift list, not havign one, just wanting presence but a cash gift would be great if they still wanted to et. Obviously better worded.

I don't mind gift lists or asking for money except if I'm not invited to wedding or reception. If I'm not invited to either, I'll give a card, if I'm invited to either I'll always bring a gift.

Wedding websites are a great idea, you can go very minimal on the invites and save lots of money-especially when having a small wedding. Also you can put nearby hotels and directions and moneysaving ideas for the guest on there as well as the new 'wedding apps' which are great for photo sharing.

But it's all very 'new' in the sense of that, I've been to about 8 weddings the last 2 years and only the latest had the website. Helped us a lot though in sorting a cheap place to say and getting there.

MotherofDragons82 Wed 10-Jul-13 12:27:24

I think it's always, always rude to make a mention of gifts on a wedding invitation. Would you invite people to your birthday party and attach a gift list, or a "suggestion"? No. So I don't understand why people think it's okay to do so for a wedding.

When DH and I got married we didn't make any mention of gifts, but those people who did want to get us something were - gasp - perfectly capable of going out and choosing something lovely themselves. Or giving us cash, as many people did. (Weirdly, we didn't end up with armfuls of toasters, either. That always seems to be the standby excuse of people who think it's okay to have a gift list).

Equally, I'm very glad that those who couldn't afford to get us anything didn't. However you word it, in an invitation, if you mention gifts then you are letting people know that you expect a gift. If you don't expect a gift, don't mention it.

muppetthecow Wed 10-Jul-13 12:22:11

*than

muppetthecow Wed 10-Jul-13 12:21:43

Fairy you just said exactly what I was trying to say only far more eloquently. Bravo! We spent less than £3000 on ours, a pretty hefty proportion of which was the church. I hate the general assumption that, and the many media articles to the effect of 'it's impossible to get married for less that £10,000!

FairyThunderthighs Wed 10-Jul-13 12:17:45

CuChullain that's a huge generalisation though. "Weddings these days" does not necessarily apply to every wedding. We aren't spending thousands of pounds (just under £2500 which includes the £600 registrar fee, my dress cost £25) and our guests aren't spending hundreds on travel, most are local and those that aren't are not very far away. They will be staying with family in the area so not paying expensive hotel bills. We aren't having stag or hen parties. Our wedding is at a family pub/hotel without outrageous drinks prices. We haven't got a dress code so nobody is obliged to spend lots of money on a new outfit (and if they did spend hundreds on a suit/dress that's hardly our fault!). No need for childcare because children are invited.
We are not having a lavish 5 star holiday at everyone's expense, we are having our first weekend away as a couple, 2 nights in a location about 2 hours drive from home. My parents have paid for it as our wedding present so any money gifts we receive will go on meals while we are there. Our wedding invitations stated (not in poem form) that we expect no gifts, we are just looking forward to people joining us. However if guests wish to give a gift, a handmade gift or small cash donation towards the honeymoon would be appreciated.

It's fair enough to say some people spend a lot of money on weddings, they do. And some are rude and ungracious. But it would be unreasonable, IMO, to say that ALL asking for money/gifts is wrong because SOME weddings are OTT.

I appreciate not sure everyone will agree with this, and am not saying my opinion and way of doing things is unequivocally correct, just that I am happy with it.

CuChullain Wed 10-Jul-13 11:59:37

Although we say we want your presence,
We really want your presents,
It could be considered crass,
To ask alternatively ask for cash,
We really don’t give a toss
So long as we get our flight to Kavos
And we believe that writing this piss poor verse
We can hide our materialistic thirst.

muppetthecow Wed 10-Jul-13 11:52:57

I don't think you can win these days though; my sister didn't send out a gift list or anything with her wedding as they (like most people tbh) were happy with nothing/whatever people felt they could give. About twenty different people told her she should have put something on the invitations as they hadn't wanted to bother her in the run up to ask about presents. That's why we put our little note on.

limitedperiodonly Wed 10-Jul-13 11:51:45

Even though I'm a grabby present-hound, my wedding guests didn't pay for a thing at the reception. My mother covered the food and the substantial bar bill afterwards. Thanks, mum.

I didn't think to tell my guests this because in my family, that's normal and it would have seemed strange, even boastful, to announce it.

Someone from outside my family circle approached me to thank me for my mum's generosity and apologise profusely for the 'meanness' of her present - her word, not mine.

Now which one of us was thinking more about money? Though I have to confess, what she said made me check. True enough, her present wasn't very expensive and wasn't on the list and didn't match anything on it.

Never mind, her presence was the main thing - actually, it was her DH, not, her who was the main guest - and it could have been all she could afford.

And you can never have enough pink hand towels.

Kiriwawa Wed 10-Jul-13 11:45:24

If she has a wedding website, then it will probably have a tab for gifts. She could just put in that section that lots of people have asked abou a gift list but they don't have one because they don't want anything. However if people would like to give them something, B&Q vouchers (or whatever) would be very much appreciated towards their house renovation

ajandjjmum Wed 10-Jul-13 11:43:00

I don't particularly struggle with people giving/asking for money as a present - although personally (after 28 years of marriage!) I enjoy using stuff and remembering who bought it for us.

What I think is totally objectionable and bad mannered, is to send out the gift list/link/cash request with the invitation. You invite people to your wedding, and wait for them to ask about a present (possibly), rather that sending an invitation with demands.

muppetthecow Wed 10-Jul-13 11:34:13

Absurdly long comment - sorry!

muppetthecow Wed 10-Jul-13 11:33:53

I personally don't see anything wrong with asking for/giving money as a wedding present. I think the growing trend for poems on invites as an attempt to ask-without-actually-asking is a bit disturbing though; it can come off really badly.

We put a little note on the bottom of our invites that said something like: 'We don't expect presents, particularly as most of you are having to travel to spend our day with us. However if anyone wants to give us something cash would be appreciated' Nobody seemed to find this grabby or unreasonable and we still got some lovely 'traditional' things from those who wanted to give something a bit more personal.

We did our wedding on an extreme budget (my mum made the cake, I made the dresses for my sis and bf as bridesmaids, my dad drove us in his car, my uncle took the pics etc) and we couldn't afford a honeymoon at all, Bognor or otherwise. Thanks to the generosity of our friends and family we were able to have a four day trip to Rome. I know that meant a lot more to us, and most of them, than a lovely set of champagne flutes...

CuChullain Wed 10-Jul-13 11:31:48

Personally I find gift lists or asking for cash in this day an age pretty tasteless (even more so given the current economic climate). Chances are guest have already spent a small fortune on transport/hotels/dresses/child care and expensive hotel bar bills. Let their presence celebrating your big day be enough reward instead of asking them to dig deep again for some dinner set or designer toaster that you don't need. Finally asking for some money in the form of some poem you have found on the internet is really, really naff.

limitedperiodonly Wed 10-Jul-13 11:10:44

I think that message was good littlepeas.

<still don't see what's wrong with expecting wedding presents>

<may add this to the 'are you common?' thread>

MotherofDragons82 Wed 10-Jul-13 11:06:24

My mouth literally (and I mean literally, I'm not just using the word for emphasis) dropped open at reading that poem.
If I received that I would find it crass, grabby and offensive.

I am another one who is happy to give cash, but if I were sent that with a wedding invitation I'd be doubting my friends' sanity.

limitedperiodonly Wed 10-Jul-13 11:02:55

Is giving something of your own choosing more, less or as crass as being asked for something specific?

Friends of DH went off-list and gave us a mechanical chrome orange squeezer. I've no doubt it was very expensive. But I had no use for it, it was entirely to their taste and not mine, didn't go with any of my (probably appallingly twee in their view) knick-knacks, and took up precious counter-space in the kitchen because it was too sodding big to fit in any of the cupboards.

After a while I stopped feeling guilty and gave it away. Not at a wedding but to someone who actually asked for it because he is weird has impeccably minimalist taste.

littlepeas Wed 10-Jul-13 10:54:55

She didn't write the poem btw! My cousin used the same one last year! She has taken it very well and not been bridezillaish at all. I've suggested the wording 'if you would like to bring a gift, a small contribution to our house renovation fund would be gratefully received' - it's to the point and indicates what they would like, but also shows that they do not expect gifts and expresses gratitude! Thank you aetae for the help with the wording!

EatingAllTheCrumpets Wed 10-Jul-13 10:50:27

However my preference would be (and was) a simple couple of lines explaining our guests attendance was more than enough and that we had no gift list as we would prefer a monetary donation.

People will not show up to a wedding empty handed and I would imagine most would prefer their "gift" to be of use, I know I would. The request for money isn't and issue for me, times have changed and most couple live together before marrying anyway, gifts are there to set them up for the future, if that's providing a savings pot, DIY or a nice holiday that they can cherish that's up to them.

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