Bit scared I may have just unleashed bridezilla!

(72 Posts)
littlepeas Wed 10-Jul-13 08:36:30

Just told my sister she should not use a poem asking for money on her wedding website. I also told her why. Was asked to proof read it, not pass judgement on it, but I was very nice and offered alternative wording. I feel like I was reasonable, but feel all nervous about her response (was email).

hatsybatsy Wed 10-Jul-13 09:18:01

work colleague just handed out her wedding invites - without exception everyone who was invited thought the poem asking for money was lovely. (note - I wasn't invited!)

horses for courses.

i have no problem with someone including details of a wedding list or asking for money/vouchers - saves me having to ask.

littlepeas Wed 10-Jul-13 09:18:29

I actually agree that it's ok to ask for for money - it is the poem I suggested she got rid of. I can't tell her not to ask for money if that is what they have planned! The poem actually has the line 'just give us cash' - I can't let her send that out, it's awful.

EvieanneVolvic Wed 10-Jul-13 09:19:14

Well she did ask you to proof read it and it's a fine line between doing that and making a judgement on word choice etc, so I think you acted ust about reasonably (so that's alright then grin)

On the more general point, and this comes up a lot, I think it's in poor taste for the B and G to talk about gifts at all unless asked (they should be regarded as a bonus rather than an expectation imho) but if asked...well I have dug really deep and employed all kinds of powerful microscopes but I really cannot find an objection to, or any kind of tackiness in asking for money: it's valid anywhere after all and you just can't go wrong! Certainly as I guest I breathe a huge sigh of relief when cash is on the list!

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Wed 10-Jul-13 09:20:21

Fine to give money at a wedding, if that's your thing.

But the only people who ask for money are beggars. It's only OK to do it if you're on the street and can't afford to eat.

Asking for anything - gifts, money, holiday honeymoon is crass. This pisses people who do ask for things off no end.

Bramshott Wed 10-Jul-13 09:27:29

I don't usually contribute to wedding threads, but really - if someone invites you to their wedding, you're going to bring a gift aren't you (does anyone not??), so enclosing a list or asking for cash/vouchers with the invite just saves me time. I seriously don't have time to go round calling the bride's mother to say coyly "is there a wedding list??" just because it's slightly better ettiquette!

HappyDoll Wed 10-Jul-13 09:27:58

I think we need to see the poem

fluffyraggies Wed 10-Jul-13 09:30:23

I think this is like Marmite! You either think it's ok or you don't.

I'll never be pursuaded that it's ok to ask a guest to a celebration and then tell them what they're expected to produce if they're going to come along. It makes me cringe!

We ask family and very close friends getting married what they would like as a present. Sometimes there'll be something specific. If they say ''nothing thanks'' we give money. If they say ''money please'' we give money.

If we're not close to the B or G to feel we can ask - we give money.

I would never turn up empty handed to a wedding, and i don't need a request for cash in my invite thanks. Makes me hmm

GiveMumABreak Wed 10-Jul-13 09:35:16

I think it is increadibly bad taste to ask for gifts (money or otherwise) EVER for any occasion.

Thymeout Wed 10-Jul-13 09:37:18

Bramshott. All manners involve spending extra time. Even down to saying please and thankyou. But it's time well spent.

No need for 'coy conversations'. You'll be replying to the invitation anyway. (I hope you have time for that.) That's when you ask. And with email it's hardly that time-consuming these days.

littlepeas Wed 10-Jul-13 09:41:45

She has responded and said she wasn't sure about the poem but is finding it hard to put in words what they are planning to do - it is for their home, but for redecoration/renovation rather than items from a gift list iyswim. I am trying to help her - it is hard!

Poem:

^So what do you get
For the Bride and Groom
Whose house needs things
In every room?

When shopping for a present
Please, don’t be rash
As the option is there
To just give cash!

We hope that you don’t find
Our request to be funny
But the decision is yours
To buy a present, or give money

Now you have the choice
Please do not fuss
The most important thing of all
Is that you come celebrate with us!^

EatingAllTheCrumpets Wed 10-Jul-13 10:01:16

I think the poem is a bit crass to be fair, asking for the gifts first and saying attendance is important last is a bit poor taste.

We said that gifts were not necessary and the most important thing for us was the guests there to share our day. If people really wanted to give a gift then money would be appreciated. This was said as more of an aside so it felt less of a demand IYSWIM
We decided to give charity badges as favours for our guests otherwise we'd have asked for charity donations.
We didn't ask for money for a specific thing again donut didn't feel like a guilt trip, or us being indulgent

EatingAllTheCrumpets Wed 10-Jul-13 10:02:50

Not donut... "So it"
Stupid fat fingers and auto correct!! grin

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Wed 10-Jul-13 10:07:19

fluffyraggies - you are totally speaking my brainz on this matter. Couldn't agree more!

Aetae Wed 10-Jul-13 10:24:29

God that poem is horrible. With poetry I tend to think if you're not actually Keats you should stay well away.

I have no problem with her sending a small note with the invite explaining that if they want to buy a gift then a small contribution to the house renovation fund would be gratefully received. But leave it at that.

If she's going to say it, say it. Don't make a song and dance about it like she's embarrassed to be saying it. No "all we want is your presence" (clearly that's not true or they wouldn't mention cash). No twee dancing around the subject saying things like "our house is full of stuff" (both obvious and slightly untrue as everyone upgrades their crap from time to time, they just don't want the guests' taste to impinge is the implication. Be straightforward, and by implication in the words show that gifts are not assumed.

limitedperiodonly Wed 10-Jul-13 10:25:29

I can't see the problem with asking for money - even for, shock horror, a nice honeymoon.

We didn't do that. We asked for things for our house. And not nicer things to replace ordinary things we already had, which some people get up in the air about. We didn't have much. And we only asked for Tefal, not Le Creuset, so I hope that was all right. wink

I did commit the grievous sin of putting the list in with the invitations though. It just seemed obvious to me, because otherwise people would ring up and ask, because clearly they'd want to buy me a present, wouldn't they? It is normal to give wedding presents, isn't it?

I've since realised that I'm grasping and tasteless. Thank God I didn't include a little poem.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Wed 10-Jul-13 10:27:14

It's perfectly normal to give presents. It's just not great to ask for them.

Pigsmummy Wed 10-Jul-13 10:37:03

As a bride and groom, you will get asked about gifts, what should you say? As far as I can tell from mumsnet people get offended by either a gift list or no gift list despite saying that they would give something, so what's the answer? to cause least offence?

A donation to a charity is a nice idea but 40-60% of that money will get eaten/wasted up by admin costs of the charity (rather than go to the root cause) and if a wedding costs circa £20K and guests actually want to give the happy couple something (because in theory they actually like the people whom wedding they are going to) then what's the answer?

eurozammo Wed 10-Jul-13 10:40:41

The poem is awful, but I don't understand the MN aversion to asking for money. The days of people needing pots and pans to set up home are over as most people are not moving from their parents' house to the marital home these days. Money seems more sensible to me than a load of household things that will not be used.

EatingAllTheCrumpets Wed 10-Jul-13 10:42:38

How about;

To celebrate our wedding day you may wish to buy us presents
However this is not required, all we want is your presence
If you insist, we must admit, some money would be great
To help us with some home improvement at a later date

Or

Now we are to be Mr and Mrs
All that we ask is love and good wishes
Your presence is all we want and request
To eat, drink and be merry, with us, as our guest
However if a gift is more your style
Our home does need a little DIY
If you'd like to help with a nice snug room
A monetary gift would send us over the moon

Wildfig Wed 10-Jul-13 10:44:31

Wedding poems asking for money are the equivalent of putting on a twee ickle girly-wirly voice to ask for something you know deep down you shouldn't be asking for. Rhymes just make it all so much worse, as the words bash, rash and splash limp into view and you just know CASH is only four mangled syllables away. Fine, if you really want money then spare everyone the embarrassment and just say, we're saving up for a hot-tub and every time we sit in it, we'll think of our lovely wedding guests.

Personally, I hate giving people money as a wedding present because I like choosing something nice for them from us. I also hate the sense that you're somehow putting a price on their friendship, or competing with what other people have given, or revealing something about your personal finances that summer, especially when it never seems to cost less than £400 to attend a wedding these days, after the travel, hotel, child/dog care, hair do, etc. I realise this says more about me than the bride and groom.

Floggingmolly Wed 10-Jul-13 10:44:35

That poem is shite...

OatcakeCravings Wed 10-Jul-13 10:46:55

The poem is awful and I am more than happy to give cash as it saves me the hassle of getting a present. The line about cash is just really crass.

I polite note explaining that there is a small gift list or alternatively as they are going to renovate X a gift of money would be gratefully recieved. As they are redecorating what about asking for gift vouchers which would pay for paint/wallpaper etc? Or asking for the finishing touches on their list like curtains, cushions etc.

EatingAllTheCrumpets Wed 10-Jul-13 10:50:27

However my preference would be (and was) a simple couple of lines explaining our guests attendance was more than enough and that we had no gift list as we would prefer a monetary donation.

People will not show up to a wedding empty handed and I would imagine most would prefer their "gift" to be of use, I know I would. The request for money isn't and issue for me, times have changed and most couple live together before marrying anyway, gifts are there to set them up for the future, if that's providing a savings pot, DIY or a nice holiday that they can cherish that's up to them.

littlepeas Wed 10-Jul-13 10:54:55

She didn't write the poem btw! My cousin used the same one last year! She has taken it very well and not been bridezillaish at all. I've suggested the wording 'if you would like to bring a gift, a small contribution to our house renovation fund would be gratefully received' - it's to the point and indicates what they would like, but also shows that they do not expect gifts and expresses gratitude! Thank you aetae for the help with the wording!

limitedperiodonly Wed 10-Jul-13 11:02:55

Is giving something of your own choosing more, less or as crass as being asked for something specific?

Friends of DH went off-list and gave us a mechanical chrome orange squeezer. I've no doubt it was very expensive. But I had no use for it, it was entirely to their taste and not mine, didn't go with any of my (probably appallingly twee in their view) knick-knacks, and took up precious counter-space in the kitchen because it was too sodding big to fit in any of the cupboards.

After a while I stopped feeling guilty and gave it away. Not at a wedding but to someone who actually asked for it because he is weird has impeccably minimalist taste.

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