About DH going abroad to see his ill father who may well die for more than 4 weeks.

(165 Posts)
HeyArnold Tue 09-Jul-13 22:45:55

My dh's dad is ill in another country. Apparently the doctors haven't given him very long, and he may well pass away. This is news we found out today.

We've had a lot of family problems in the last few months or so. When he first got ill, I told DH that we should all go as a family and meet him so his grandchildren (our childten) remember him. According to him I wasn't welcome in his house due to these family problems, and up until yesterday we were arguing for 6 hours about this whole situation. I had told him that if he goes we're all going because I don't care if I'm not welcome. My children have a right to see their grandfather before he dies. Also, according to tradition, the house also belongs to my dh and its my right to live in that house as his wife. He agrees with me but was worried about some kind of fight erupting whilst I'm there and doesn't want me getting caught up in it.

I was so angry at him. Apparently he doesn't want me to go for my own good.

Anyway, today he's told me that he's taken a turn for the worse. By coincidence his sister and brother are going over aswell tomorrow and DH phoned me during the day and told me to prepare the children's passports and book tickets as he wants to go too.

I don't know why, but I've had a turn of heart and I've told him to go alone and I don't want to go now. I'm nearly 6 months pregnant and he's offered to take our elder dc with him so I'd have less work, but I've said no, as I know there will be no discipline and she'll come back a terror. He's saying he will be going for more than 4 weeks as he doesn't know what will happen, obviously if his dad dies, he may stay longer until the funeral.

AIBU for not going with him? Should I go? I don't know how I will cope for 4+ weeks on my own with two children and pregnant, but I can't stop DH from being with his ill and dying father. I don't have the energy to go and fight battles either. I'm quite hot headed and will speak my mind, but since getting pregnant I can't stand any confrontation which is why I've backed down from this "we all go together" thing.

I'm really confused.

His father is dying and you are stamping your feet about your "rights" in his dads house? shock

LastTangoInDevonshire Tue 09-Jul-13 22:50:04

So if you are 6 months pregnant and you stay for the whole time, how are you going to get home? You will be too far advanced to fly, surely?

HeyArnold Tue 09-Jul-13 22:51:53

Yes I did, because I was told that I wouldn't be welcome. Even DH agreed it was wrong. I was adamant that our children have a right to see their grandfather before he passes away.

Euphemia Tue 09-Jul-13 22:52:20

I don't think you should go. Meeting a dying man would be a horrible experience for your children.

How about DH takes your eldest, following a discussion about discipline? How come her own father looks after her so badly she's likely to come back "a terror"? hmm

HeyArnold Tue 09-Jul-13 22:53:28

I never thought of that LastTango. I'm due late oct/early November. We'd be back before school starts.

eurozammo Tue 09-Jul-13 22:53:31

YABcompletelyU.

Your husband's father is dying, he is going to say goodbye and you are making this all about you! Have a little compassion. You should do what your husband wants at this time, whether that means letting your children go with him or whatever.

I'm quite shocked by how selfish and inconsiderate you sound.

Euphemia Tue 09-Jul-13 22:53:43

I don't agree that your children have a right to see their grandfather before he passes away.

So, you stomped your feet until your DH relented and agreed with your going even though he didn't think it was a good idea, and now you've changed your mind and you've decided your children can't go either?

Is this a reverse aibu?

ENormaSnob Tue 09-Jul-13 22:54:40

Wtf.

Your dhs father is dying and you are harping on about your rights shock

I am disgusted.

squeakytoy Tue 09-Jul-13 22:55:19

YABU

PoundlandClareRayner Tue 09-Jul-13 22:55:27

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wouldliketobethere Tue 09-Jul-13 22:55:49

How old are your children. If they are young then to be honest it probably isn't a great idea for them to meet their dying grandfather for the first time and your DH needs to focus on his father rather than worry about taking care of children and mediating in family disputes. By the sound of it your DH definitely needs to get going asap. If you dont want to go now, then say you've thought about it and not a good idea for the children and not the best environment for them at the moment. If they are young they wont remember when they are older anyway. If your FIL was desperate to meet them or meet the eldest one before he died then maybe that would be different but from what you have said that isn't the case.

Bearbehind Tue 09-Jul-13 22:56:47

I think the heat is affecting some people hmm

You haven't backed down, your DH has agreed to your demands in order see his father, WHO IS DYING, and you've now decided that it's not such a good idea.

Stop thinking about yourself and let your husband say goodbye to his father.

HeyArnold Tue 09-Jul-13 22:56:49

Euphemia, I trust DH, but he's not the strictest parent. It's me. I sent her with him on holiday last year too for 3 weeks and she came back and was hitting me everytime she didn't get her own way. Apparently her cousin did the same there and DH couldn't stop the influence. I don't have the patience or energy now to be able to stop her from doing these things IF she picks up bad habits whilst there.

doublecakeplease Tue 09-Jul-13 22:57:41

Completely unreasonable. Your rights don't come before those if a dying man. I can't believe someone would stamp and demand at such time. Your children don't need to meet a dying man. Please demonstrate some grace and respect at this time

MalcolmTuckersMum Tue 09-Jul-13 22:58:12

The 'tradition' to which you refer in your OP - what is that exactly?

And YABU.

squeakytoy Tue 09-Jul-13 22:58:17

Are you always such a control freak?

Euphemia Tue 09-Jul-13 22:58:52

Ah well, if she's back at school when they get back, let her try that with her teacher. grin

Bogeyface Tue 09-Jul-13 22:58:59

I would say that your first reaction was VU, he was trying to protect you from what he expected to be a very nasty situation. Then, when it became clear that the situation had become more urgent, he did exactly what you wanted and was prepared for you all to go.

Now you are saying you dont want to go because you are feeling vulnerable as you are pregnant.

What I am getting from this is that it is all about you! Your husbands father is dying. This isnt a family holiday, he is about to lose his clearly much loved father and yet at every stage you have managed to make it about you and what you want. You behaved very badly when he first said he would go over there.

Ask him what he would prefer and do that. I realise that your pregnancy complicates things but if he wants you to go then you could compromise on going for 4 weeks and getting a doctors note that will allow you to fly both ways, and you come back with the DC's after the 4 weeks.

But you have to accept that you are not the focus here, and you are being very selfish by expecting to be. Yes you are his wife, and yes you are pregnant, but sometimes other things trump that and this is one of those times.

Oh, and apologise to him.

HeyArnold Tue 09-Jul-13 22:59:05

Dc are quite young. DH has also suggested that if I can't cope after 4 weeks to fly out and we'd come back together but I don't know if I could travel with the two of them alone.

Primafacie Tue 09-Jul-13 22:59:12

I really don't think your children have any 'right' to see their grandfather. It might be preferable if they did meet him before he dies, but that is not the same as a right to do so.

I am shock that you would want to go in a dying man's house and cause or take part in any sort of confrontation, still less assert your ownership of the house he is still living in! It would be beyond rude, frankly.

I think it is much better that you stay away.

fanjobiscuits Tue 09-Jul-13 22:59:40

I think the FILs dying wishes should also be respected here. I would hope in my last days I would be able to decide who I do and don't want to see.

WandaDoff Tue 09-Jul-13 23:00:09

YABU.

& nasty.

Bearbehind Tue 09-Jul-13 23:01:51

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