to put my foot down (re. DD's friend)

(113 Posts)
loopyluna Tue 09-Jul-13 18:50:35

DD is 11. Last year I was seriously ill, 2 months in hospital and 2 months at home, unable to walk.

DD is in the same sports club as a friend so before my sudden illness, her mum and I carpooled -she took the girls and I did pick ups. When I got ill she continued to take my DD and her exH brought them both back (for which I was immensely grateful as it allowed DD to keep up her routine during a distressing time.)
Then, one day, about 3 weeks after I left hospital this women texted to say the club was cancelled that day. I discovered this was untrue when the coach called me! I texted back to say there must have been a misunderstanding and she replied, curtly, that I should make alternative arrangements to avoid further confusion. She continued to drive past my house to take her DD whilst mine couldn't go until I managed to start walking and driving.

Now, one year on, DD is still friends with the girl and I have always made her feel welcome at our house. Last week I took them both swimming and after (lets call her P), P asked if DD could sleep over at hers. I said no. Cue, utter meltdown from P!
Next day P phoned and invited DD to stay. Again I said no.
Today P has been texting me, all afternoon, begging me to let DD go to hers tomorrow. We are having visitors so it is out of the question but I said DD could meet her at the pool late afternoon.

I don't want DD to go to P's house as P's mother made it quite clear last year that DD wasn't even welcome in her car, let alone her house. The woman blanks me if we pass in the street.

Not to drip feed, when P's parents were divorcing, P told DD that her dad hit her mum during a row. I have also heard both P's parents tell P she is fat compared to DD (-P is slim, DD is stick-like.) The parents are still legally divorced but are living together again.

All of this adds up to me not wanting DD anywhere near P's house. Both girls are sad about this. DD accepts that P is allowed here but she isn't allowed to P's, but she's quite miffed that I'm putting my foot down.

Am I being U and petty?

Euphemia Tue 09-Jul-13 18:54:20

All I'm hearing is me, me, me.

If the girls like each other, all the rest seems like something and nothing.

Have you ever asked the woman why she's behaving this way?

RedHelenB Tue 09-Jul-13 18:54:35

What harm would be caused by letting her go?

loopyluna Tue 09-Jul-13 18:54:56

Forgot to add that P is a nice girl but utterly spoil (last week lost her iphone 4s and already has had it replaced my an iphone 5), and she is absolutely fuming that she's not getting her own way.

WorraLiberty Tue 09-Jul-13 18:55:54

Yes YABU

The girls are friends. I'm sure they couldn't care less whether you and the other Mum like each other.

Give her a mobile phone and let her stay over.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 09-Jul-13 18:57:25

I think you are over reacting, but YANBU because if you don't want your child to stay somewhere then that's up to you.

The fat comment seems like the worst thing and I wouldn't like that either, but I don't think it's worth disallowing a sleepover for.

The mother wasn't doing anything wrong by ending the arrangement to give your dd lifts to the activity, although she should have been honest with you instead of saying it was cancelled. Personally, I would have taken the hint instead of texting back about a misunderstanding.

CookieLady Tue 09-Jul-13 18:57:28

You need to speak to P's mother and find out why she's behaving in that manner.

loopyluna Tue 09-Jul-13 18:58:10

The girls get on well and I'm not stopping P coming here but I don't want my DD to be in an environment where she is not welcome! (The mum has made that clear, she also blanks DD, not just me.)

MissStrawberry Tue 09-Jul-13 18:59:04

You sound like you don't even like this child.

How likely is it your daughter has been invited for a sleepover by the woman who won't allow your child in her car/house?

maddy68 Tue 09-Jul-13 18:59:43

so what if the other girl has an I phone? That just makes you sound jealous
the girls are friends - I would text the mum and say that your D has been invited by P to stay over - is that OK ? and see what she says

Euphemia Tue 09-Jul-13 18:59:52

My DD is also 11 and nearly all of her friends have more material goods than her, have been on more expensive holidays, blah blah blah, parents who have been/are going through an acrimonious divorce, parents I don't like, etc.

I don't see these things as reasons to stop her being friends with them. If anything, it's made DD more level-headed and appreciative of what she has.

P fuming is not your problem. It's her parents'.

Scruffey Tue 09-Jul-13 19:00:19

Yanbu. No way would I allow an 11yo to sleep over at the house of a person who blanked me in the street!

loopyluna Tue 09-Jul-13 19:01:09

Cloudsandtrees -really?! So it's acceptable to tell me that the activity is cancelled, rather than be honest? I didn't take "the hint" as you say, because it didn't occur to me she was lying!

cees Tue 09-Jul-13 19:01:19

YANBU, I would not let my dd into a house where the parent hasn't asked me themselves. The mother blanks you in the street, no my daughter would not be going to stay in her home.

If the mother can't be civil to you then I doubt she would treat your child much better.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 09-Jul-13 19:01:24

Maybe you've missed something out of your OP, but how has the other mother made it clear your dd is not welcome?

Is there something other than just the fact that she didn't want to give your dd lifts?

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Tue 09-Jul-13 19:01:29

Why on earth would you send CD to a woman's house that didn't like you .YANBU.

WorraLiberty Tue 09-Jul-13 19:01:45

How do you know your DD isn't welcome to sleepover?

That's totally different to not wanting to keep giving her lifts that you couldn't (understandably) return.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Tue 09-Jul-13 19:01:49

Meant to say DD not cd

I wouldnt be happy letting my DDs go for a sleepover in that kind of environment either.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 09-Jul-13 19:03:27

I said she should have been honest instead of saying it was cancelled!

I don't think the lie is an unforgivable one though, some people find it very hard to be assertive and say no, so they hide behind an untruth.

loopyluna Tue 09-Jul-13 19:04:11

Euph, I couldn't care less that P has more "stuff" than DD, I was just explaining why she's so cross at not getting her own way.

Ok, the majority are saying IABU but I still don't feel comfortable about DD spending time with people who openly dislike her...

WorraLiberty Tue 09-Jul-13 19:04:21

Why on earth would you send CD to a woman's house that didn't like you .YANBU

Why on earth not?

As long as the woman likes the OP's DD, I can't see a problem.

I'm not particularly keen on a few of my DS's friend's parents either, but that doesn't mean the kids aren't firm friends.

WorraLiberty Tue 09-Jul-13 19:05:49

OP can you give an example of P's Mother displaying her dislike of your DD?

Because so far, you've given us nothing.

Figgygal Tue 09-Jul-13 19:06:00

Yanbu if the parent who is supposed to be an adult and who will be responsible for your Dds welfare at a sleep over wont even look at you or her on the street I wouldn't let her near her dd either

This girls mother tells her she is fat, buys her off and "drops" a carpool arrangement because the other person was seriously ill.

Its toxic.

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