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to feel a bit upset that my daughter was made to look like she was being unreasonable??

(107 Posts)
mimitwo Mon 08-Jul-13 18:36:47

Today my dd came over to me sobbing and shaking, she took a while to calm down and when she did she told me that the son of a friend had been lifting up her dress at school and then laughing at her knickers. He had then proceeded to tell lots of his friends what he had done and they were laughing at dd.
The thing that had made her cry though was that on the way home he had stopped her and her friends and made fun of her again, telling them all about her knickers. DD had run off to find me as she was crying. She said she felt ashamed, embarrassed and like she had done something wrong. I assured her she hadn't and hat he had done something he shouldn't have. The little boy in question went past as I was comforting dd and could hear me telling dd that nobody had the right to lift her dress.
To cut a long story short, the boy was with his mum when we walked on and was hiding his face. His mum asked if something had happened with dd and I told her what I knew. The boy cried and said he didn't know my dd had cried as he hadn't seen that. He refused to say sorry or to even look at dd, his mother told him that 'some girls' don't like their knickers being looked at and that obviously my dd didn't.
The mother and her friend informed me that actually 'knicker chase' was a rite of passage in primary school and not a big deal. (My dd said it wasn't a game and that she was actually playing with her friends when he had done this.) The boy of course heard all this.

I don't think my dd was being precious, I don't think that it is a 'rite of passage' to have your dress lifted and then have your underwear laughed at repeatedly. I know that I never want my dds believing that it is ok for somebody to do this to them just as I would never accept them pulling a boy's trousers down and laughing at his pants.

I hated this at school and remember the way it made me feel when those games started up, I avoided it at all costs.

Do you think it is a rite of passage? should my dd have just taken it?

threesypeesy Wed 10-Jul-13 08:06:22

That is awful your poor daughter. It most certainly is not a right of passage! The mother's reaction really gets me, what hope does he have if that's her attitude.

Dd and a few other girls had this done in school 2 year's ago and after we all complained the little boy was excluded for a week and quite rightly so it is a massive invasion of personal space and privacy.

Hope your dd is ok op. And second the suggestions of little shorts umder her skirt if it makes her feel more comfortable.

I hope that you have been into the school and complained, OP. Let us know how you get on. I think they would take it very seriously, have a quiet, serious word with the individual in question, have his mother in for a "chat" and also have a general talk with the whole school about appropriate and inappropriate behaviour (without any names being mentioned). I hope that they do explain to this incredibly stupid woman, exactly why what her DS did was totally inappropriate and why her reaction was ridiculous. Any school that accepted that this is a "rite of passage" would be totally out of order and if they tried to defend it (which they won't) I would be taking it further.

LilacPeony Wed 10-Jul-13 11:54:12

Picardy if this post had been about a little girl mocking the child's pants and getting others to join in I can guarantee that at least one person would have replied to say that girls can be absolute bitches, so it does work both ways. Maybe people tend to notice nasty comments about the sex of child they have more. (I have girls.)

WilsonFrickett Wed 10-Jul-13 12:07:57

Of course this mother was in th wrong, hopefully she was caught on the hop though and her instinct was to minimise things. And she'll realise when she gets home that she needs to deal with this behaviour very firmly. it is NOT a rite of passage.

Definitely speak to the teacher. They won't necessarily punish the behaviour, but they'll do some work on boundaries, how we play,

aldiwhore Wed 10-Jul-13 12:11:41

I think it's normal behaviour but that doesn't make it right behaviour and certainly doesn't mean it should be left.

The kissing dare game happened at my sons' school (my youngest is five) and whilst it was all silly innocent cheeky fun, it was also a very good time to talk about social boundaries and appropriate behaviour.

In the first instance it needs to be tackled gently with no child being demonised, but it certainly needs to be tackled.

prettybird Wed 10-Jul-13 12:24:38

I think what is shock is the mother's attitude that it was "just" a right of passage hmmshock

That is not teaching appropriate boundaries to her son sad

These things do happen, but good schools and parents would work hard to ensure that the children learn to respect each other. One would have though that by Y2, a child would know that it was not nice to upset someone else and that what they were doing was wrong but if their parent doesn't provide that example and reinforcement..... hmm They are not going to learn that it's not something they should do and yes, in later years, could end up sexually harassing women without even realising it is wrong.

mimitwo - I am sure that the school will be equally disconcerted and will be talking to all the children about silly games like this. Let us know how you get on.

BTW: I don't think you should even suggest to your dd that she wear shorts under her dress. If she wants to wear shorts on their own, fair enough, but wearing shorts under a dress purely to protect against someone else's actions.... it is just teaching her that she is somehow responsible for the embarassment. sad

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Wed 10-Jul-13 12:36:03

I hope you managed to talk to a teacher today. The mothers reaction is really worrying, she's teaching him it's ok to invade little girls boundaries... Not ok.

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