to feel a bit upset that my daughter was made to look like she was being unreasonable??

(107 Posts)
mimitwo Mon 08-Jul-13 18:36:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChasedByBees Mon 08-Jul-13 19:12:16

What kind of weird lessons is he teaching her son? That girls don't have any right to complain if you invade their personal space and behave in a sexually humiliating aggressive way? Jeez.

Joiningthegang Mon 08-Jul-13 19:12:32

My son is y2 - I don't think such behaviour would even occur to him tbh

The mother is weird - let school know

Nat38 Mon 08-Jul-13 19:13:20

Same sort of thing happened to my DD in Year 4, 4 children were excluded for a time, the Head Mistress wanted to permantly expel them but had to follow official guide lines & such.
But it did go on all 4 childrens school records to follow them all the way through their school life.

Eyesunderarock Mon 08-Jul-13 19:36:42

It is normal for children to be rude, cheeky, inappropriate and lacking in empathy, which is why they need adults to teach them what is acceptable and what isn't.
They aren't born with the skills, it's taught directly and indirectly by the people they encounter.
He needs to know that it isn't funny or a game and that doing something stupid and humiliating to someone else for a cheap laugh from his friends is a very bad choice. He sort of knows that already, which is probably why he cried.

Remotecontrolduck Mon 08-Jul-13 19:53:19

He would have got a massive dressing down from me and told strongly what is and isn't appropriate, with some other form of sanction.

I think it's important to emphasise even very young, to boys in particular about boundaries and inappropriate behaviour, and when girls say no, it means no. Or boys say no for that matter.

5Foot5 Mon 08-Jul-13 20:08:34

I remember just after I started school a slightly older boy tripped me on the school field so he could lift my dress and then shout out what colour knickers I was wearing to his friends. I told my Mum as soon as I got home and, as luck would have it, she saw the boy in the corner shop the next day and had a very stern word with him. He never did it again.

polarpercy Mon 08-Jul-13 20:29:52

YANBU, it doesn't matter if the boy thought it was a 'game' or 'rite of passage'. Your dd didn't want to be part of it (and 'games' like this should definitely be stamped out by schools and parents together) and should be allowed to say no without being made to feel bad. What an odd attitude from the other mother. Hope your dd is ok.

Cherriesarelovely Mon 08-Jul-13 20:33:47

What a load of rubbish! A rite of passage???? Just a pathetic attempt to minimise what her child had done. Seriously, take no notice of her, that is ridiculous. Definitely go and see the teacher.

flipchart Mon 08-Jul-13 20:39:59

I am normaly the first person to say stop running to the teacher, deal with issues with your child etc.
However on this it wouldn't be a quite word with teacher as some one suggested.
I would be roaring. In fact I would have turned round and gone back to the school there and then.

volvocowgirl Mon 08-Jul-13 20:40:49

YANBU - go talk to the school.
Hope you're daughter is okay.

MummytoKatie Mon 08-Jul-13 20:45:17

I can remember when I was in Y1 us all being sat on the carpet and being told that knicker chase was very naughty and anyone doing it would be sent to the head.

By doing the maths this would have been 84 or 85.

To give you an idea of what was appropriate in schools in the mid 80s, corporal punishment was not abolished until 1987 in state schools.

So knicker chase - not allowed. Hitting small children with sticks - fine.

Ohhelpohnoitsa Mon 08-Jul-13 20:47:46

Yes tell school asap. Local school here just excluded 2 boys for inappropriate touching & it was no worse than you are describing. The mother is an oaf & if she doesn't teach him what is right, school will. Kind thoughts to your dd.

holidaysarenice Mon 08-Jul-13 20:54:54

Absolutely not!! Report it straight away to the school. He knew he had done wrong when he tried to hide.

Years ago this happened to a neighbours child. She reported it to the police who got involved as the boy was about 7 yrs older. They took it very seriously.

My 6yo DD suddenly announced that she didn't want to wear Hello Kitty knickers any more because "some of my friends think it's babyish"

When I pushed a little, it turned out that the friends in question were all boys. I wrote it off to the fact that they get changed in their classroom, but now I am wondering.

YA definitely NBU, OP. Definitely talk to the teacher. Circle time on boundaries is called for, and I would question your friendship with this woman IIWY.

WorraLiberty Mon 08-Jul-13 21:13:04

Of course it isn't a rite of passage but then again you know that.

I agree with others who have said talk to the teacher

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Mon 08-Jul-13 21:23:20

Only year 2 as well? That's heartbreaking. No your dd is not being unreasonable at all and games like this are NOT a rite of passage. It's an invasion of her personal space and frankly humiliating. If there's any vital message to instill into all children, it's their right to bodily autonomy and respect for one another.

Time to speak to the school, I think. His mother clearly isn't going to discourage his behaviour or take your daughter's feelings seriously.

Fairenuff Mon 08-Jul-13 21:27:49

I work in Year 2 and there is definitely a growing interest in and awareness of each other's underwear. However, we have a no nonsense approach and nip any sniggering in the bud.

I would probably say to the boy something like, do you wear pants? It's just underwear, everyone wears it and it's called underwear because you wear it under your clothes.

I have about 3 children out of 30 that I have had to speak with this year and we tell them that if it happens again we will call their parents into school to speak with them.

Also, it's very important that your dd knows that she can tell a teacher at the time. She will be taken seriously. So, yes, have a word with her teacher in the morning.

5madthings Mon 08-Jul-13 21:29:19

Yanbu at all! If any of my boys had behaved in that way they would be in BIG trouble!! 'some girls dont lije it' way to excuse her sons behaviour ffs what kind of messages is she giving her son?!!

Please do tell the school so they can tell the boy it is not appropriate as he clearly isnt going to be taught decent boundaries by his mother.

primroseyellow Mon 08-Jul-13 21:31:31

YANBU. It is totally unacceptable and not normal behaviour. It could be described as sexual harassment. Definitely raise it with the school, I suggest HT rather than class teacher. You might suggest it is a safegurarding issue if the school don't take it seriously. It needs to be stopped. The incident happended at school when school had parental responsibility.

BrianTheMole Mon 08-Jul-13 21:33:47

Its not ok. If my ds did that I would absolutely be telling him its not ok at all. Have a word with the school.

notanyanymore Mon 08-Jul-13 21:34:10

I can't believe the boys mum actually endorsed it right infront of him! Sounds like he might have actually seen the error of his ways up until that point.

Eyesunderarock Mon 08-Jul-13 21:38:19

It's only a game, they were just playing, he meant it as a joke...

I can believe that is how the boy's mother sees it, which is why it is better to let the school do the explaining to him, and tell him what the consequences will be if it happens again.
Both children need protecting.

LouiseSmith Mon 08-Jul-13 21:40:32

I wounder what these mothers will say when there "boys" are in trouble for sexual harassment as an adult. Its wrong. I would report to the school.

Allow DS to wear shorts under her dress.

Eyesunderarock Mon 08-Jul-13 21:42:38

She could wear shorts but she shouldn't have to.
The problem is his behaviour, not hers.

MrsRochestersCat Mon 08-Jul-13 21:43:23

That is not ok. Same thing happened at our school - it was dealt with as a safeguarding issue because the school has a duty to protect the children from sexual harassment (which is what this boils down to) - it can also be an indicator of sexual abuse for the child who is showing an interest in another's private area. It is taken very seriously. Speak to HT, not class teacher.

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