Family Celebration & 8 Months Pregnant(34 Posts)
This is my first post on AIBU so please be gentle with me. I have a little predicament that I would welcome your opinions on. I feel terrible/ guilty about my decision and would like to know if I am out of order and if I should change my mind.
My DH's sister is having her youngest christened 3 weeks prior to my due date. We live 2 hours away from DH family and would probably have to stay overnight due to the timings of the celebrations. This is my 2nd pregnancy and thus far it has been as horrible as the first (hyperemesis & PGP throughout).
I am reluctant to travel due to this being so close to due date and given the medical issues stated above. As soon as we found out about the christening we did inform family that there was a fair chance we wouldn't be able to go. They acknowledged this but I know are disappointed and are still a bit angry about it.
I have considered sending DH on his own but my first labour was very quick and he probably wouldn't get back in time, plus I was not "with it" during labour so really appreciated having him there for support and to make the important decisions on my behalf.
So am I BU in not going or am I being selfish?
No I wouldn't go. It's all very well for others to be miffed, they have nothing to lose whether you go or not. You potentially have a lot to lose - pain, discomfort, being on your own in labour. I don't suppose they'd practice what they are preaching in the same circumstances. Just ignore them and decline politely as many times as it takes.
They are being unreasonable to feel anything but understanding for your situation. Your health, your babies health and your husband being there if there's an early birth is far more important than a Christening. Don't let them guilt you for protecting yourself, if there's any problem with your absence, it's theirs.
And don't forget that handling ILs is good practice for handling your own two-year-olds!
Now, now, dearie. You are now a mother, which means you are old enough to learn how we handle these IL dramas.
Please start by approaching your nearest bathroom mirror and assiduously practicing your brave, sad smile. You know, the one that suggests you are deeply grieved, but keeping a stiff upper lip so as not to upset the dear people around you. Surreptitiously wiping away a tear is probably not necessary, but do throw in a dash of "oh these ILs who are always hurting my feelings -- I will put up with them because I so love their son/brother."
Next, still smiling bravely, rehearse some casual throwaway lines such as, "Of course my DH/your son/your brother isn't AT ALL hurt the christening is when we can't come, I reminded him how hard it is to book up the church and the hall and so on," "Of COURSE we understand you can't book DC's christening just to accomodate us, there are so many other guests to think of, really it's fine," "No, I really don't mind having to miss the party, but please please will you make sure to send me some of the photos?" Don't forget the killer: "I'm just so happy our DC will be so close in age, imagine what good friends they will grow up to be!" For dear SIL I suggest at some point a whispered "What are you going to wear -- I'm wondering if I will fit into my favourite pearl-studded ball gown in time for our own DC's christening..." For MIL you might try the thoughtfully furrowed brow: "Gosh, do you think we should already be planning DC2's ceremony, as we so want to make sure the timing will work for all of you?"
Oh, and if you want a christening present out of them for your DC you can endear yourself by asking SIL if there's anything in particular she'd like for her DC. No one ever resents a gift-giver!
I'd stay at home and "let" DH go but on the understanding that he drops everything to come back at the slightest whiff of labour.
Badguider & Backforgood, thanks for the comments. If I was breezing through pregnancy we would both be going but due to the hyperemesis & PGP I feel that it's just too much so late in pregnancy. My family are not in this country so that's not an option but a friend might be.
As for quick labour, yes it was less than 5 hours from start to finish and I was not in any fit state to make any decisions etc... DH did all that on my behalf for which I will be eternally grateful, he's fantastic in high pressure situations.
I wouldn't go, because of being uncomfortable in the car, but I would try to persuade my dh to go. Fairly unusual for a baby to be born in under two hours from the first signs <yes, I know it does happen, but am saying statistically >, and it's perfectly possible your lo won't arrive for about 5 weeks after that ~ always difficult to say.
Surely you must have a good friend or a relation who would come and stay with you for the day / weekend if that made you feel better ?
yanbu about not wanting to go yourself.
but are you really keeping your dh less than 2hrs away from 37 weeks?
I am 32ish weeks with my first but dh wasn't planning on trying to keep really close to home till pretty much 40 weeks. when you say 'very quick' how quick WAS your first labour??? ( bit worried now)
If ever there was a time to be selfish, it's now. You need to think about yourself. I travelled 200 miles to a reunion ten days before my due date with DC2. I went with my bag in the car, my notes and a vague idea of where the maternity hospitals were located in relation to the M1. As it happened DC2 was eight days early and arrived on the Monday morning, less than 24 hours after setting off home and it was a very quick delivery. I was just a little freaked out by this and I'd had a very straightforward pregnancy.
I wouldn't go. I actually think it is very selfish of them to expect you to travel so far so late in your pregnancy
You have every right to stay at home. It's selfish of them to try to guilt trip you at all.
As if your physical discomfort and the possibility of you going into labour are nothing to them!
Stay home. Look after yourself.
If they had really wanted you there they would have rearranged/delayed it. They vould have waited a few months. No way I would travel at 37 weeks - v uncomfortable
Im on another thread with a woman who has HG, and get travel much without heaving.
It wouldnt be very nice for you to be in a hot car for 2 hours, with a sick bowl just in case, sounds like hell.
Thanks for all your comments so far. I'm feeling much more positive about my decision to say thanks but unfortunately we will not be attending.
In answer to some questions, we did raise concerns over the proposed date but the majority of family can do the booked date so quite rightly they went with the majority.
I don't think DH would be happy with leaving me, just incase anything happens he would feel terrible about not being there especially as we're new to the area we live in and do not have any family on my side for support should anything happen while he was away.
My dc were both born at 37 weeks so I definitely wouldn't be going! Your family are being unreasonable to expect you to.
YANBU and if I was your DH I'd be having words with my sister to tell her she was out of order to be angry.
Angry? Seriously?! Any family member who even hinted at such an emotion would NOT be getting a visit from me!
YANBU. My sister didn't come to DC2 or DC3's christening and I didn't mind.
Oh god, no, don't go. MIL wanted us to go down to celebrate her birthday but it was around my due date. She was really put out when she arranged it for a couple of weeks earlier and we still said we weren't coming. I had terrible spd (had crutches) and they were 4 hours away (sitting in the car was agony for anything more than about 5 minutes). We pointed out that I could go into labour and be classed as being at term yet MIL insisted "That won't happen" which was particularly interesting from someone who had both her dc before 36 weeks.
OP, i didn't go to my cousins wedding when i was 20 weeks preg as i didn't quite have hyperemesis but was being sick 10 times a day. I had a DD aged 15 months and it was several hours journey and couldn't see how i could manage the journey and then looking after DD at a wedding. So we declined. They were fine about it. If you have both hyperemesis and PGP i think it's reasonable to say you can't do the christening but send a card and present apologising again.
normally I would say go at 37 weeks, but there are too many reasons in your case not to.
that maybe I could if.. feeling is horrible. where there is a little doubt and others have managed it but not quite in the same but similar circumstances..
what does your midwife say?
My best friend didn't come to my wedding as it was a few weeks before her due date with her 2nd child. As it turned out he arrived early a few days after the wedding!
Anyway, I did not for one second feel slighted or put out, or make her feel bad for not coming, and I hate it when people do this.
My In-laws treat every occassion as important for some reason even lunch! They can't invite you anywhere without it "meaning so much" to them and if you can't make it they want the reason why not and then "can I pass you over to explain to X as they'll be sooo disappointed" Argh!
You have a perfectly good reason to want to stay put so don't worry and don't feel the need to justify it to them over and over. I'm sure you would have gone if you were up to it I just don't get why people can't be more understanding.
They've no business being angry about it they need to get over themselves.
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