about my Boyfriends birthday & his mum

(203 Posts)
crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Sun 07-Jul-13 22:48:30

First AIBU but I really need to know if I am .

Its my Bfs birthday on Tuesday , he has just told me he is going for a meal with his mum & family Tuesday evening so will be busy from 4 - 8 .
I have not been invited despite us been together for 3 years (we don't live together) .
He is working Tuesday morning until 1pm & i have appointments Tuesday from 1-4 (several appointments) .
He says it is not fair that i can't see him on his birthday & expects me to palm my Ds off on my Dm on a school night so i can take him out hmm I have told him i won't do this as Ds comes first & i told him to ask his mum to make it later or for the day after & he can't as she will be upset (huge case of pfb) .
I thought i was his family but apparently not confused as he does everything his mum says even if it means cancelling our plans angry

Am I been unreasonable to think that after 3 years he would see me as his family as well as his mum & sometimes put our relationship first or should I just suck it up

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Sun 07-Jul-13 23:23:59

Clam Of course I put my Ds first don't most parents confused which is why I won't go out clubbing dure in the week .
Also if you read my post properly it says that I thought by now he would see me as family so I would of been invited to his family meal for his birthday instead of been an after thought .

Maddy Their are other children going (neices,nephews etc) & they have no problem with my Ds , also they are English very english

Three I don't have the confidence to meet anybody else

pigletmania Sun 07-Jul-13 23:24:12

And why are you with such a man who does not respect you or care for you hmm. He sounds like a knob, this old be a dealbreaker for me. Leave the fecking bastard!!!!!

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Sun 07-Jul-13 23:31:23

Myname its weird because it wasn't just a cuddle he was led on the sofa having cuddles & quit frankly yes I would find it a bit odd if my 30 yo Ds was to do this .

Tommy He didnt choose his mum told him & he won't say no to her .

Bella I know , just taking a while to work up the courage

Imade Yes but he is not 4 years old & doesn't have school in the morning

SavoyCabbage Sun 07-Jul-13 23:32:53

Nieces and nephews but not you. That's awful. Really it is.

To have a relationship with someone for three years and not to be invited to their birthday meal.

It's horrible.

McBalls Sun 07-Jul-13 23:33:46

His mum is not the problem, his relationship with his mum is not the problem.
The fact the he doesn't include you -after 3 years- in a family meal for his birthday tells you loud and clear how little he thinks of you.
Or is it maybe that he knows how much you dislike his mum and is avoiding awkwardness?

Tommy Sun 07-Jul-13 23:36:24

I go to my earlier question: how old is he?!
hmm

bellablot Sun 07-Jul-13 23:37:47

Why doesn't anyone else think that his mum leading him to the sofa for 'cuddles' at 30 fecking years old is not just plain weird? Men who have relationships like this with their mums are nothing more than wimps. Look, his mum is probably still wiping his arse so get out of the relationship now whilst you still can, you already have one DS to look after

SavoyCabbage Sun 07-Jul-13 23:39:51

Tommy 30 on Tuesday - she said

pigletmania Sun 07-Jul-13 23:40:07

Get yourself a grown up and dump the boy

Tommy Sun 07-Jul-13 23:41:21

yes - I know how old he is...... behaving like a 4 year old.
that is my point
hmm

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Sun 07-Jul-13 23:41:37

I don't dislike his mum , I just don't want to spend 4 days in a caravan with her .

I have just spoke to him & asked why me & Ds are not invited & he said he would ask his mum confused
I even offered to pay for me & Ds but tbh id rather not go now .
Also now I know this is not all in my imagination I will be trying to leave him as can't be in a relationship with him while he is still tied to the apron strings

littleginger Sun 07-Jul-13 23:41:58

I agree with others. Someone has said that it would be ott to ltb for this one thing but i think its very indicative of what he must be like and i cant imagine wanting to put up with that behaviour in the long term.
If 3 years is not established enough for you to be invited to these occasions then when would be?

SavoyCabbage Sun 07-Jul-13 23:43:55

Whoops! grin

"Trying to leave him" What do you mean? You don't live with him. Just dump him if that's what you want.

pigletmania Sun 07-Jul-13 23:44:21

He would ask him mum! How old I he 6 that he needs to get his mums permission and can't speak for himself shock. No op you need a man not a boy

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Sun 07-Jul-13 23:46:29

Savoy He is the type to do the guilt trip/suicide thing so need to try & do it lightly iyswim

McBalls Sun 07-Jul-13 23:46:40

He will ask his mum if he's allowed to invite you to his birthday meal???

Honestly, this tells you everything you will ever need to know about this man.

You can't say you haven't been warned what to expect.

You'd be fucking crazy to continue seeing him.

fabergeegg Sun 07-Jul-13 23:47:11

I'd be concerned. On the face of it, your boyfriend's family is not accepting your role in his life, and your boyfriend is not prioritising your role either. I have a fear of parents in law who aren't given a clear boundary line. Endless nightmare. If you're the only one with a small child, hard to see why the parents can't make it later.

Are you sure you've done everything you can to make things friendly between his parents and yourself? Do they know you'd happily come if asked?

I think maybe I would find a babysitter for one night of the year though. If it's something that really matters to him.

McBalls Sun 07-Jul-13 23:47:41

Oh bollocks, now you're sounding as juvenile as him.

If you want to dump him, dump him.

fabergeegg Sun 07-Jul-13 23:47:47

sorry, should have read the thread

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Sun 07-Jul-13 23:49:47

McBalls hmm thanks

bellablot Sun 07-Jul-13 23:50:58

What does this man do for a living?

SavoyCabbage Sun 07-Jul-13 23:53:19

I think McBalls is saying, you don't need to play his games. His guilt trip\suicide games. He's not your responsibility. He's going to kill himself because you dump him, but he doesn't want you at his birthday meal.

pigletmania Sun 07-Jul-13 23:55:42

Just dump him, he's not your responsibility, let mummy do it

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Mon 08-Jul-13 00:03:35

Bellablot he has just started his own buisness building Vivariums

MrsMook Mon 08-Jul-13 00:06:08

If you are not happy with the BF- mother triangle relationship. Leave him. Don't try. Don't think. Don't drag it out. Just do it. Get it over and done with. If you don't end it, what will the future be in a year, 5 years, 10 years.

It sounds like he already has a woman in his life- his mother. If he can't assert himself over his own 30th birthday plans, let her pick up the peices. Don't feel guilty. Free yourself to find someone worthy of you and DS to be a family with.

Sorry to be so blunt, but you won't be happy unless there's a major change to the relationship, and I can't see a relationship saving change about to happen in a hurry.

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