DH is being unreasonable [title edited by MNHQ]

(179 Posts)
expatbrat Sat 06-Jul-13 03:27:58

To think that it's bloody ridiculous how much research is going into which Doctor to go to for a vasectomy and how little (none on his behalf) it was for me to go on birth control?
I mean REALLY... Get over it and get it snipped!
Happily married, 2 grown kids, no plans for any more (fingers crossed) Time of life I would like to not be screwing up my hormones and reach menopause in some kind of natural state. All he has to do is pick which Dr he would like to go with and in/out Bobs your uncle.
IABU to think Google is a bugger and should be banned from all Husbands on a quest for vasectomy horror stories?

Should add he really does agree/want to get it done.

WeAreSix Tue 09-Jul-13 22:04:16

Well said lougle

lougle Tue 09-Jul-13 21:53:39

It's actually incredibly simple.

Special K - fine

'She thinks she's something special' -fine

'Mummy's special soldier' - a dig at someone who is deemed oversensitive by personality, not by any condition.

'Does this make me look 'Special'? -not fine. 'Special' indicates a classification, a shortening of 'Special Needs'.

'Does this make me look special?' -fine, if it's talking about a smart or pretty outfit which is different to your normal outfit.

'It was just me being 'Special'' - not fine. Even if the quote marks aren't there. It's saying 'Oh just for a moment there I was like one of those people.

'Something Special' - ok. Intended to highlight that the programme is a special programme for children with special needs.

See...it's not hard to use the word special in different contexts and still understand that in some contexts it's offensive.

BabsAndTheRu Tue 09-Jul-13 17:44:12

TheFuzz wishing you all the best for your op, I remember you from my thread about DP. Hope it all goes well for you.

MrsDeVere Tue 09-Jul-13 11:41:21

What?

Abra1d Tue 09-Jul-13 11:28:00

*That isn't irony or ironic
HTH*

Oh, it was just gratuitously offensive. That's OK then.

MrsDeVere Tue 09-Jul-13 11:13:12

But float would you have used it to infer that someone was acting in a way that suggested that they had learning difficulties or a mental health issue or that they looked as if they wore orthotic shoes?

I would be very surprised if you did given that you have a child with SN.

If you had not you would not be offending anyone apart from the person you were aiming your comments at.

For the record I have never heard the word used out of the above context. Not on its own. I have heard 'awww who is mummy's special soldier/flower etc' but never as an insult on its own unless its to do with SN.

I'm 46 tomorrow so have been around a while.
The term SN is relatively new and therefore so is the insult.

I had to pull a teenager up a while ago. She didn't know the context but when I explained it to her it made absolute sense. She had been parroting something without thinking about it.

float62 Tue 09-Jul-13 10:31:30

1) Using the word special in a derogatory way linked to people with additional needs - this must be a new thing because it has definitely and widely been used in the past as a humorously derogatory term in regard to people who thought they were a bit better at something than they actually were, and it would have been said with emphasis on the word 'special'. There was absolutely no link to people with 'special needs' which itself is a relatively new term now widely used and recognized for its meaning. I am a parent of a child with SN and could easily have used the word 'special' in a number of contexts associated with its several nuances in meaning and not realized I had upset somebody by doing so.

2) Vasectomy - YABU. A gentlemen's member is as dear to him as his own heart and they take interference with it very seriously indeed. Of course we need more research to develop male contraceptives that stop the forming of sperm and then they would have more choice than the snip or covering up.

MrsDeVere Tue 09-Jul-13 10:22:16

It wasn't ironic.
It was a weak joke.

I was pointing out that your use of 'ironic' was erroneous.

There is no irony in saying that Kellogg are changing the name of one of their cereals. This is not what irony means.

HTH

yamsareyammy Tue 09-Jul-13 10:03:41

curlew. I wish I had put my post at 8.59am as points
I think, and could be worng, that Britain is at point 3 "Then some others will realise and do the same". Not sure. I dont think it has got mainstream yet. Havent heard anything in the media yet for example, but I dont see as much of the media as I use to.
When it is all over the media, then yes those special words may well be revised.

curlew, can I ask,if it gets to the straggler point, would you then see a problem?

fwiw, I dont think addition will last as long without being mocked, as special did.

curlew Tue 09-Jul-13 09:53:30

I know the title has been amended, but as the debate is going on, can I remind people that the word "special" was in quotation marks. What possible explanation for those quotation marks could there be?

There is absolutely no problem with using the word special. Special offer, Special K, special day - fill your boots. There is, however, a big problem with using the word "speshul". Often with a "joey" face. Remember them?

Eyesunderarock Tue 09-Jul-13 09:33:28

We need more Awesomeness from people in all areas. grin
It only takes one encounter to give me a happy thought that lasts for a long long time.
I have a mental 'Avenue of the Righteous' with a tree for every person who has made a difference in our lives.

Pagwatch Tue 09-Jul-13 09:28:06

smile yeah I know eyesunderarock.
Still shocks the hell out of me everytime. I should be used to it.

The brilliant woman who ran my sons nursery would rip strips off any of her staff who became 'well I know all about what it's like dealing with ASD'.
She would say 'you don't. You don't live it. Your experience is the same as aholiday snap. You know nothing. Never forget that or you become worse than useless'
She is awesome.grin

Eyesunderarock Tue 09-Jul-13 09:23:04

It would be a better world all round if people only got insulted and marginalised because of things they had actively chosen to do that caused harm to others. Instead of just because they are different in whatever way.

Eyesunderarock Tue 09-Jul-13 09:06:08

Come on Pag, you know that people who work as professionals in the sector without personal experience can be dim unaware of the minutia.
Haven't you popped into the 'Goose and Carrot' ?
The name is not an accident.

Pagwatch Tue 09-Jul-13 09:05:11

Yamsareyammy

Yes. I agree.
The thing is if people stopped mocking people with SN , using them as the punchline or the insult, then the words themselves wouldn't matter. And we could just all get along fine calling each other buttheads or wankbadgers.

Eyesunderarock Tue 09-Jul-13 09:02:48

OK. Vasectomies.
OP still hasn't clarified how long her husband has taken from them deciding that a vasectomy was what should happen, up until the point where she's huffing down his neck sighing and grumbling about the time he's taken to research who and how and what.
Which to me is a pretty important factor in deciding if he's being unreasonable or not. Weeks, acceptable. Several months...pushing it. smile
But it's still his body and his decision, so he isn't being unreasonable to take as much time as he wants.
She is not being unreasonable if he's taken more than three months and is still faffing.
Perhaps condoms and diaphragms until they are both happy? Or no sex at all.

Pagwatch Tue 09-Jul-13 09:02:44

That's a pretty snippy response to a reasonable point.
Just because you have never seen special used in a mocking way may be down to luck or it may simply be that you are unaware or oblivious as you don't know experience living with a person with SN all the time.

And feel free to go back to vasectomies. People were talking about that when you made your hilarious breakfast cereal joke.

yamsareyammy Tue 09-Jul-13 08:59:21

These sorts of things go in waves dont they.

The new word on the block looks like it is probably going to be additional.

That will go fine for a while, eg 5 or 10 years? [Even 15 -20 years sometimes as in the word special.
When it first came out, I thought it was a good one. And as i thought, it lasted longer than some].

Then some people will start mocking the word additional.
Some other people will hear that and stop using the word additional.
Then some others will realised, and do the same
Next it becomes mainstream to start not using it.
[At this point, another word will be searched for].
Then there will be the stragglers who will not have heard that the word additional is now a mocking word.
And finally, the people who were using it nastily in the first place, will realise that they repeatedly get into hot water about it, and give up on the word.
Meanwhile, the new word will be being used.

[I feel like I have lived too long].

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Tue 09-Jul-13 08:55:19

No, I have not suggested any such thing. Please point out where I did so. I merely stated that until I joined MN this year I had never heard (or used) the word special being used in any derogative way. I can think of plenty of others, but never special.

Was the OP deliberately offensive in her heading? We can't be sure. Possibly. She could have just been naïve. Should there have been pages of flaming? No - a few comments and then MNHQ changed the heading. The thread about vasectomies became more about the use of the word special than the actual subject matter.

So, back to vasectomies, shall we.....?

Pagwatch Tue 09-Jul-13 08:49:04

Thats all very nice Jessica but I am honestly not sure how helpful.

You sem to be suggesting that because, in your limited and somewhat peripheral experience with some people with special needs you have not had negative experiences, that your experience must define that of others?

My best friend growing up had a brother with quite severe cerebral palsy. I helped at a mixed ability youth club. My parents worked and we lived within the grounds of a residential home for people with various mental health issue. I knew fuck all until I was living day in day out with my son. The experiences are not in the same ballpark.

It always shocks me how often people who know someone with SN, or who ave worked with people with SN are so blissfully unaware of problems. The woman who posted that hideous 'if I buy these shoes will they make me look 'special' haha' thread also worked with people with SN as I recall.

BabsAndTheRu Tue 09-Jul-13 08:47:34

Only after the op did we hear others experiences, not after research, sorry.

BabsAndTheRu Tue 09-Jul-13 08:44:56

YABVU. I have never felt so bad in all my life after encouraging DP to go for a vasectomy thinking it would be a quick snip and all would be well. I have never seen him in so much pain, swelling, bruising. I can't describe the agony he was in, he couldn't walk, stand up properly, lie down without pain and eventually had to be readmitted to hospital. A blood vessel had been cut during the procedure. To see him go through this pain was heartbreaking and seeing the kids frightened that daddy was in hospital. I encouraged him to go and he agreed, but it was discussed between us. If he hadn't wanted to do it I would have gone and I wish I bloody did, poor DP, just awful. Let your husband do all the research he wants, only after this did we start hearing of many other men who had had horrendous experiences as well. I still feel like I packed a bag for him and dropped him of at a butchers.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Tue 09-Jul-13 08:34:52

If you look on page 5 of this thread you will see assorted posters going off about how they feel it is getting to the point where you can't even use the word special without being jumped on. This is to what I was referring and I was being ironic.

Oh, and by the way, I have a cousin and a close friend who are wheelchair users and at primary school my best friend had Down's Syndrome and no one ever referred to him as special. Although if anyone had ever said anything nasty about him, they'd have had me to deal with (and did, I seem to recall). I also have worked at a college for young people with learning difficulties and SN. So I don't think I am totally insensitive to the issue, thanks.

Eyesunderarock Tue 09-Jul-13 08:25:33

'We tend to here'

We tend to hear

Need more coffee!

Eyesunderarock Tue 09-Jul-13 08:24:17

'Have to say, pre-MN, I had never used the term 'special' in the derogatory context. Seriously, I hadn't. Maybe it's a regional thing but I asked others and work and they had never heard it used in THAT way.'

Do you have a child with additional needs? We tend to here it more often than those not directly involved. It usually comes with air inverted commas. Or you can hear it used by numerous 'comedians' like Boyle and Carr.
Bit like me not having heard all the abusive terms for men pre-MN.
It wasn't in my RL experience.
The fact that you don't see it as an issue, and are giving the impression that you feel some people are over-sensitive, indicates your own lack of sensitivity IMO.

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