To tell DS he can't be friends with a naughty 'friend'

(49 Posts)
twinkletwinkle9 Fri 05-Jul-13 17:19:51

I really hope I don't sound like that horrible Katie Hopkins woman on This Morning, I'm really not.
But DS (4) has recently made friends with a little boy on our street (5) and he's really not a very nice boy but DS seems to idolise him a little, it's only fairly recently that I've really allowed him to play out with friends so it's all a bit of a novelty to him and I think he just likes feeling like a big boy playing out with his new friend.

The reasons I don't really like this boy are:
He is VERY bossy and quite cocky, he waltzes in this house (sometimes without knocking) like he owns the place, bosses DS around and he just goes along with it.
He is rude and uses no manners.
He doesn't share, he just takes over DS's toys and lets DS have an occasional turn.
DS has learnt words and phrases from him that I don't like, not so much swear words but just things which aren't very kind or nice.
We live at the end of an avenue and DS is only allowed to play on the grassy area or on the pavement on our side of the avenue (ie where I can see him), but his new friend keeps taking him across the road to his house because apparently he's old enough to cross the road. Luckily I've seen him because I'm always keeping an eye on him.
He is very cheeky to me and often argues or challenges me if I tell him that he can't have something or do something. For example, the other day he said to DS "come on lets play upstairs", I said "no the baby is in bed, play downstairs or outside please", he replied "but all his toys down here are rubbish, we want to play upstairs, we'll be quiet". I just can't believe the cheek of him, when I was a kid if a friend's parent told you "no" you listened to them, I would never have dared answer back like that.
I had to send him home yesterday because DS's friend from school had come to play and he ended up really upset because he was being mean to him, 5 mins later he came back again. Luckily DS's nice friend stood up to him and told him "I don't want to play with you because you're very mean to me". I wish DS would do the same!

I've never once seen his mother, she seems to just let him out without checking where he is or what he's doing. This worries me that a 5 year old is going in people's houses without their mother knowing where they are. Of course this isn't the boy's fault though.

DS goes to nursery-school and has made some lovely friends, his teacher commented on what a nice circle of friends he has. At school I don't think he'd pick this boy as a friend but I think he just likes having a friend to play out with at home.

It bothers me that DS doesn't stand up for himself and I've spoken to him about it, but at the end of the day he's 4, I don't think he even notices when he's getting bossed around etc.

At the moment DS is playing with him almost daily and I'm starting to see a serious decline in his behaviour and manners and I'm sure it's down to him playing with this boy.

I don't know whether to just let the friendship continue and hope that the novelty wears off or whether to tell DS that he can't be friends with him?

On one hand I think that DS needs to learn who is nice and not nice for himself, but on the other hand he is only 4 and so I wonder whether I need to make the decision for him?

Also, I worry that if DS tells the boy that "My mum says I'm not allowed to play with you anymore" that I'm going to get his Mum knocking on my door asking me why. I really don't want any trouble with any neighbours confused

JaffaMyCake Fri 05-Jul-13 17:23:46

YANBU.

I have no objections to my child playing with a child with a certain name, but I won't let my child play with someone who is frankly a little shit, and that stands whether there name is Tyler or Horatio.

Squitten Fri 05-Jul-13 17:27:47

I wouldn't put a ban on the friendship overtly. What I would do, however, is ensure that any backchat or cheek on his part was dealt with by a swift ejection from your house. Similarly, if your DS was playing where he shouldn't be, then he should be made to come inside.

That way, you're dealing with the behaviour that is troublesome rather than banning him entirely. Similarly, you say you want your DS to stand up for himself so set him a good example and deal with this behaviour, especially when it's in your own home.

halcyondays Fri 05-Jul-13 17:30:06

he'll only want to see him more if you try to ban him. it'll be hard to avoid him if he lives across the road. I think you'll just have to carry on being firm with both your ds and the other boy about what they"re not allowed to do.

twinkletwinkle9 Fri 05-Jul-13 17:37:05

squitten funnily enough DS is currently sat in the house on his own because I made him come in because he started having a tantrum when I wouldn't let him have another ice cream from the ice cream van.

You're right I do need to stand up to this boy's behaviour more, especially when it's in my home. I suppose I feel awkward telling another person's child off, especially when I don't even know their parents, but it is my home.

Moominsarehippos Fri 05-Jul-13 17:41:59

And its a long long summer holiday ahead...

Sorry nothing useful to add. We've had to wean DS off some friends - not really friends but bullies really who were just horrible to him, and he is too easy going and just goes along with things.

IdreamofFairies Fri 05-Jul-13 17:43:04

As squitten
suggests i would make sure they both follow your rules if the boy misbehaves or is rude you say if you cant be nice listen etc its time to go now ds will see you tom.
similarly if ds is rude or goes where he is not allowed you send the boy home.

they will both learn that if they want to play together they have to follow the rules.

if there ever was any comeback from the boys parent you could just say really nicely oh i had to send him home as ds was behaving badly although it doesnt seem likely they would ever knock

twinkletwinkle9 Fri 05-Jul-13 17:46:18

And tbh I find it all quite stressful, it's hard work having to watch them playing constantly.
If one of DS's friends from school comes round to play I know I can just let them play together without too much supervision, every now and again they'll have a little fall out but then they're best friends again a minute later. I just know that they'll play fairly and nicely (most of the time!).

But with this new boy I feel like I've got to keep an eye on them all the time and I'm CONSTANTLY having to intervene, reminding him to take turns etc. It can feel like DS is being bullied in his own home.
When I see his little head bobbing up the path to knock on our door my heart sinks sad

WorraLiberty Fri 05-Jul-13 17:49:14

You're blaming this child for waltzing in and out of your house uninvited, and yet you allow it. Why? confused

Also, why would you allow such a young child into your house without checking with his parents that it's ok?

Moominsarehippos Fri 05-Jul-13 17:49:54

It is good practise for when they get to school. Sometimes the biggest batrag is the most 'popular' child. Sighs.

Nanny0gg Fri 05-Jul-13 17:53:53

Limit the amount of time they spend together - an hour at a time on certain days?

Enforce your rules rigorously. Send him home if he argues/disobeys. Bring your DS in if he misbehaves

Have other friends round and don't let him in then. (unless his behaviour improves)

Are there other children that come out and play?

twinkletwinkle9 Fri 05-Jul-13 17:55:28

moomins yes I'm worried about the holidays, I'll have to plan lots of days out lol.

Your child is not yet ready to play out as he cannot reliably stay within given boundaries if he goes to mate's house.

Play in back garden/house.

Send home at first offence each time.

You are allowed to answer door and say not today thank you, bu bye now.

WorraLiberty Fri 05-Jul-13 18:02:53

And you shouldn't have to plan days out just to avoid this child

You're the adult here, it's time to take control of what goes on in your own home.

Moominsarehippos Fri 05-Jul-13 18:04:03

Make sure you have lots of playdates with his pals. Hopefully that keep him happy and busy. Have some things that he 'needs' to stay inside for (reading, sums whatever).

You need to lay down the law though. Send him home, be firm when he's cheeky, tell him that he needs to ask first (you and his mum) before coming over. It sounds like his mum is using you as a child minding service!

diddl Fri 05-Jul-13 18:08:09

You wish your son would stand up to this boy-but it doesn't sound as if you do!

It's up to you when, where, if, how long they play together.

Miamiami Fri 05-Jul-13 18:09:42

Your child is getting nothing out of this so called friendship, so if I were you I would call it a day. Have done similar myself, you have to put your childs needs first. Lifes too short....

twinkletwinkle9 Fri 05-Jul-13 18:10:03

Worraliberty I don't allow it, it feels like I'm constantly having to tell him "no you can't do that...you must do this", it just seems to go in one ear and out the other.

I have sent him home to check that it is OK for him to be in somebody's house (hoping he wouldn't come back!), I don't really want him in my house so I don't actively encourage it by going asking his Mum.

halcyondays Fri 05-Jul-13 18:11:35

are there any other children in the street around the same age?

WorraLiberty Fri 05-Jul-13 18:12:14

Yes you do allow it.

You allow him to enter your house when you don't want him there, don't you?

Or have I misunderstood entirely and he only comes in when you've actually invited him yourself?

WorraLiberty Fri 05-Jul-13 18:13:37

And regarding the sending him home to check it's ok to be in your house...

He's only 5yrs old.

If you're inviting him into your home, you should be speaking to his parents first.

twinkletwinkle9 Fri 05-Jul-13 18:14:03

You are all right, I really do not to be stronger in all this.

From now on I'll be stronger and send him home if I don't like his behaviour. I suppose I never have been very good at asserting myself, I'll start with kids and then move on to adults lol.

WorraLiberty Fri 05-Jul-13 18:15:39

That's the spirit grin

Otherwise it's going to be a very long Summer for you!

curlew Fri 05-Jul-13 18:15:47

I lose patience on any thread where somebody uses the expression "little shit" to describe a child of any age, particularly a 5 year old.

twinkletwinkle9 Fri 05-Jul-13 18:16:14

worral yes I suppose you're right, they usually start playing out together and then before I know it they're playing in the house.

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