to expect a phonecall or even a text from my parents to check I'm ok

(25 Posts)
WafflyVersatile Sat 06-Jul-13 08:56:24

That does sound positive. And well done to your dad too for taking on things it must have been difficult to hear.

Graceparkhill Sat 06-Jul-13 00:16:26

Well done for being honest with your dad. I hope this is the start of better things for you.
I know you won't be keen to disclose your location but if you are anywhere in central Scotland I would happily meet you for coffee !

freemanbatch Fri 05-Jul-13 22:20:34

Thank you all so much smile

I have issues with my family and I have distanced myself from them a lot since the split because I have seen so many things in them that I recognise from my relationship. My mother has wanted to keep things secret as if its something I should be ashamed of but in a lot of ways the thing they have found hardest to deal with is that they have had to accept that some of the behaviours of their son and daughter, my brother and sister, towards them and towards me are not ok and should not be allowed to continue.

In splitting from my husband and standing up for myself I am also changing in the relationship I have with my parents and that is a very positive thing for my future.

My dad rang this evening, I've just got off the phone to him. He wanted to apologise for messing up and to say sorry for not being in touch yesterday. For the first time I didn't tell him it was ok and didn't matter I told him that I was disappointed that they had offered no support but that I was beginning to expect that and that I was no longer going to feel bad about telling them when they had done things I didn't like.

He took it well and gave no indication that he thought I should make him feel better about it so I felt like it was a positive conversation not just for today but for the future as well.

I am lucky I have some good friends and that mumsnet is here to put perspective in places when I need it smile

Thanks again.

WafflyVersatile Fri 05-Jul-13 21:30:33

Well done for doing that.

As for your parents who knows they might think you'd rather be left alone.

If you want to speak to them phone them and tell them how you are. Don't sit there making yourself feel worse.

JKSLtd Fri 05-Jul-13 21:15:48

Firstly - very well done to you.

Secondly - Hissy makes very valid points.

Thirdly - can I ask, are you the kind of person who downplays things going on in your life? Do you automatically say 'fine' when anyone asks you how you're doing?
Because if people think you're coping, they won't dive in there with offers of support & help.
I know this from when DS2 was in hospital.
It takes a lot to change that response, when someone ask how you are, think for half a second, how are you? then reply honestly - ok maybe not with every detail, but an honest summary. As people get to know the real you they will offer support when you need it.

I can't speak for your parents, you know them I don't. But I know lots of friends & family didn't support us much back then and when I think about it, they assumed we/I was coping because that's what I always do.

Hissy Fri 05-Jul-13 21:06:39

You did a bloody awesome thing today love.

You stood up for thé most wonderful person in the world; you.

You stated with clarity that what happened to you was not your fault and not something you deserved.

You should be very proud of yourself. Whatever the outcome, you won today!

Hissy Fri 05-Jul-13 21:04:45

My family used to push me back to him, pull rugs from under me, ever so lightly, so I had no soft place to fall.

My sister positively delighted in my misery.

So much so, when I clearly was blissfully ignorant as to how she'd deliberately ignored my 'cries for help' in thé shape of texts for conversation, she made it her absolute mission to tell me to my face that her radio silence had been on purpose.

I don't think I can ever forgive her for that.

My family somehow like to see me beaten/down/suffering.

Perhaps i'll have the photos I took of my bruises blown up for them as gifts for christmas.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Fri 05-Jul-13 20:24:28

YANBU to want them to contact you but based on their history it wasn't really going to happen, it doesn't mean it hurts any less though.

How are you today? You did a brave thing.

spiritedaway Fri 05-Jul-13 20:20:39

Well done OP. . many people just don't want to acknowledge it. Especially from the put up and shut up generation. I think my mum felt betrayed that i had pulled the plug when she had stayed put for the sake of the kids.

spiritedaway Fri 05-Jul-13 20:17:47

That makes so much sense Hissy. After my abusive ex was locked up i spoke to her the next day. She asked how I was and when i replied "fine"she barked "how can anyone in your position say they're fine." meaning pregnant, single mother of 3. . with it being my fault that the breadwinner was banged up.Thanks Mum.

LynetteScavo Fri 05-Jul-13 20:10:28

Where were they during the last 10 years?

Either they just aren't bothered, or they have tried and tried and they are now somehow immune to what you are going through.

Hissy Fri 05-Jul-13 20:06:07

Where are you?, I will bet there is a MNer that could meet for a coffee!

Hissy Fri 05-Jul-13 20:04:56

My mum, and actually my entire family fucked off to New --fecking Zealand the week MY abusive ex left. they made plans all year, and only told me 4 weeks before they were going. They left without so much as a phone call.

Let me give you a bit of a heads up.

The REASON you fell into this DV relationship, well, were targeted by the perpetrator and didn't have the tools to know to bin him, was BECAUSE of how you were raised.

they somehow taught you to be grateful for anyone to have you.

Please don't make the mistake I made, and make excuses for them. Trust your lovely friends and rely on them.

The ONLY people I had in my life when left by him, alone, unemployed, agoraphobic, and a single mum to a 5yo, were the few friends I have around the world, and Mumsnet.

No RL people.

2 years on, I have hardly any relationship left with them and actually am stronger than I have ever been. They hate me for that.

i don't care. My friends love me, cheer me on and that is all that matters.

Keep posting, you are on a journey to a much stronger you. Don't allow anyone in your life that doesn't CARE for you.

OK?

(((hugs)))

freemanbatch Fri 05-Jul-13 18:38:58

they have been hit and miss to be honest as far as support is concerned. I live away and to be honest I think they forget that I'm on my own now and don't want to think about what's happened in the past and I suspect they feel a bit rubbish that it happened and they were so taken in by him because they really thought the sun shined out of him!!

I have some amazing friends who have helped me through it all but they live all over the country and not near enough to see in person very often. They have all been amazing though so I know I'm not on my own without any support its just hard wearing a smile for the kids all the time with no physical support at all, not even someone to take them to the park for an hour or to call in for a coffee.

I'll get there and I just have to accept that my parents will be what they are and there is no changing that.

Triumphoveradversity Fri 05-Jul-13 18:37:59

Your probably in the odd place of having such a huge upset you feel everything and nothing all at the same Time. You could almost be shutting down to deal with it. Are you getting any help from Women's aid or any other organisation? I was helped by a DV charity in the past and had a befriender, it wasn't counselling but she helped me so much.

Well done for doing that I think your very brave.

Known people cared**

Well done for finally doing it. I know how horrible it is to be in those video interview rooms and would have liked to have none people cared.

There's no way that you should feel. Its what ever you feel. If that's how you feel then that's ok.

Hope you do get that support you want/need.

Graceparkhill Fri 05-Jul-13 18:28:10

Have they been supportive up until now? I am wondering if this is out of character for them or part of a pattern.
I hope you get support from somewhere and wish you all the very best for the future.

freemanbatch Fri 05-Jul-13 17:03:34

Thanks guys smile

The reason I was asking the question really was that I'm not sure if I am upset or not and I'm feeling quite confused about it. My emotions are all over the place at the minute and I'm really just trying to understand how I 'should' feel.

That probably makes no sense sorry.

Thurlow Fri 05-Jul-13 16:53:30

I can't say whether you are being U or not. It doesn't seem remotely appropriate in these circumstances. Huge well done to you for reporting him and giving you evidence today, it's so brave of you.

livinginwonderland Fri 05-Jul-13 16:50:05

YANBU at all. Well done for doing what you did. I've been in a violent relationship - I never reported him but I wish I had done. I hope things get better for you and that he gets handed the full force of the law.

Hopasholic Fri 05-Jul-13 16:48:42

YANBU

Well done for finding the strength to report him. Tell them you feel hurt when they do eventually get in touch and see what the response is rather than getting angry. They can't argue with how you feel.

freemanbatch Fri 05-Jul-13 16:45:12

The interview was yesterday but yes I suppose there's time for them to do something anytime in the future you're right.

I think I just thought they didn't know what to say before the interview and assumed that they would at least check I was ok after but I guess its no big deal to them and I shouldn't worry about that.

HeySoulSister Fri 05-Jul-13 16:40:08

Well if they weren't bothered the day before then yabu to expect them to be bothered now... But there is still time today to get a text or call isn't there?

freemanbatch Fri 05-Jul-13 16:37:40

on the day I've given a formal, videoed statement to the police about the 10 years of domestic violence I suffered at the hand of my husband?

I finally had the guts to report him last week, 11 months after he finally left and yesterday I had to attend one of those sofa and chair video rooms to give my formal statement and initial evidence for court should it get that far. They both knew it was happening although to be honest they didn't seem that bothered the day before and I've heard nothing from either of them since other than a text that said 'night night' from my mum last night.

All my family live miles away and I have no one here for support so I have been totally on my own having to keep a happy face on for the kids and I can't decide if I'm being unreasonable for being upset that neither of them has even sent a text to ask if I'm ok after the interview.

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